Friday, September 19, 2003

 

You can call me Albert Clifford

The gang is gathered in Mr. Tuttle's science class. Honestly, is there a class at Bayside that Mr. Tuttle hasn't taught? I highly doubt it. Anyway, they're working on their science projects, and this time they all pretty much fall in the completely implausible category. Third place for complete implausibility goes to Zack and Jessie for their Bond-esque "micro listening device." Now, it is not the "micro listening device" itself I take issue with. In fact, I even own something similar--a pen with a built-in recorder that Kate got me for Christmas from Restoration Hardware. What I am completely unable to believe is the fact that Jessie appears to have constructed it by poking a pen with a screwdriver. I don't think so. Anyway, moving on. In second place for complete implausibility, we have Slater and Random Airhead Extra with gas-powered rollerblades. Um, I'm not even going to go there. And finally, the winner for complete implausibility is Kelly and Screech with The Love Machine! The Love Machine is basically one of those machines you see in malls where you put your hand on it and it lights up and tells you whether you're good in bed or not. You know, I always assumed those served no scientific purpose other seeing how much money they can cheat you out of, but hey, I could be wrong.

In the midst of the Compeltely Implausible Science Project Contest, Mr. Belding walks in with a new student. We can tell she's a Hot Girl because she is wearing the official Hot Girl uniform--a belted oversize T-shirt with a spandex miniskirt. But she's not just any Hot Girl--she's Jennifer, Slater's girlfriend from Germany. Man, what are the odds? Well, considering that the only places that exist in the SBTB universe are Bayside, Hawaii and, apparently, Germany, I'd say pretty damn good.

Out in the hall, Slater does his best to avoid Jennifer by walking over to her with his hand over his face. Pretty cunning, but unfortunately, Slater's trademark pleated pants (not to mention his mullet) give him away. Jennifer screams, "Albert Clifford?!?!" and Jessie's all like, "Albert?!" and Kelly's all like, "Clifford?!" and the rest of us are all like, "Dude. That's pretty unfortunate." Jennifer can't believe her luck that she and Albert Clifford have ended up at the same school. Obviously she is not aware of the limited scope of the SBTB universe. Before both Jessie and Jennifer can catch on the fact that Slater is now a polygamist, Zack whisks Screech, Jen and Albert Clifford off to the Max.

Of course, Slater first has to run home and change into a muscle T Jen gave him back in Berlin. Let me tell ya, it looks great with those pleated pants. Slater orders the guys to leave, but changes his mind when Kelly and Jessie suddenly show up. Apparently their student council meeting has been cancelled because Jessie "banged her gavel so hard on Ronald Geekman's hand that his retainer flew out and hit Mr. Belding in the head." That seems a bit...oh, I don't know, violent? Yet Jessie shows no remorse. What a psycho...little do we know, it's only a hint of what's to come. Anyway, the gang sits down, and it takes approximately thirty seconds for Screech to let it slip that Jessie is Slater's girlfriend. Upon hearing this, Jennifer gets up and storms out of the Max. Surprisingly, Jessie does not find this a bit odd. She must still be on a high from beating up nerds with her gavel.

Now I must take a brief break from this recap to tell you all an amazing but completely true story. In all the times I have seen this episode (including once few weeks ago), I have never until yesterday morning realized that Lisa is not in it. This fact distresses me greatly. I mean, I can deal with the random disappearance of Kelly, or especially Jessie. But where is Lisa? Has she been abducted by aliens? Did she join the merchant marines? I just do not understand. It's very alarming.

OK, back to the recap. Jessie is putting the finishing touches on the micro listening device (i.e. giving it a final screwdriver poke), so Zack recruits Screech to test it out. He takes it into the hallway, where Slater is unfortunately searching at that moment for a pen to write down Jennifer's phone number. Once Jessie hears what's going on, she goes ballistic and says she's going to "break his cheating heart." Dude. Chill. I mean, it's not like he's asking for some random girl's number at a club. They're at school, and it's his friend that he hasn't seen in awhile who just moved to town. Maybe he just wants her number in case he ever wants to call her and hang out. Of course, that's totally not true in this instance, but she doesn't know that.

And so she's already on the rampage. While Zack and Slater are in Zack's room concocting a plan that involves Zack taking Jennifer out so Slater can avoid Jessie's wrath, Screech comes by to inform them that Jessie has spray-painted "Death to Slater" on his locker. One would think that this is an exaggeration, but no. We cut to the hallway, where Jessie has indeed written "Death to Slater" in black spray paint across about four lockers. In addition, she has Slater in a choke hold. Talk about psycho. Also, wouldn't she get in trouble for vandalizing school property and, you know, making death threats? I mean, I know this was before Columbine and all, but good Lord. Where is Belding in all this, anyway? Is he still recovering from his retainer injury?

Finally, Slater acquiesces and agrees to continue seeing Jessie after she cuts off his air supply. Precious. But Jessie is still not satisfied. She wants Zack to go out with Jennifer so she can make sure Slater is over her. Well, doesn't this just work out perfectly for Zack? In addition, Screech has once again spilled the beans (honestly, why do they keep telling Screech stuff?), so now Jennifer is going to get back at Slater by being extra flirty with Zack. She even dances with him at the Max. Whoa, this is serious. Because you know the only time people dance at the Max (other than when Casey Kasem is there) is when they want to make other people jealous. However, Slater is able to convince Jessie that Zack and Jennifer's "romance" doesn't bother him.

But you know Jessie. She's a freaking crazy psycho and still doesn't believe it. So when Kelly and Screech need volunteers to test their Love Machine in Mr. Tuttle's class, Jessie immediately offers up Jennifer and Zack. Of course, this proves to be a big mistake when the oh-so-scientific machine reveals that Jennifer and Zack are somewhat hot for each other. And it bites Jessie in the ass even further when Slater grabs the machine's handle and it goes crazy! (Surprisingly, it is Jennifer holding the other handle, not Zack.) Once Jessie sees this, she storms out of the room in tears. Kelly gives Slater a dirty look and runs after her. Slater gives Zack a dirty look for stealing his woman. I can't believe they're all getting so emotional based on what the freaking Love Machine says!

Kelly and Jessie are in the locker room (naturally), where Kelly is convincing Jessie that she needs to drop the psycho routine and agree to let Slater go out on a date with Jennifer so he can realize what he'll be giving up. (One really starts to yearn for those choke holds and death threats, apparently.) So Jessie, sniffling by the Locker of Doom, tells Slater he needs to go out on a date with Jennifer--but that if he picks her, Jessie gets to keep his letterman's jacket. That's a pretty reasonable request, considering that we've never seen her wear it before, ever.

If you thought Jessie's psycho antics were going to stop there, think again! Quite to the contrary, she's just warming up. She's somehow coerced Zack to dress up with her like an elderly couple to spy on Slater and Jen's date at the movies. (No doubt a choke hold was involved somewhere.) Of course, Zack is dressed like the woman while Jessie is the man. She claims it's because the support hose were killing her, but we all know it's because she sometimes gets nostalgic for her former body. Anyway, when Jessie sees Jennifer start to massage Slater's neck (which is understandably still sore from the choke hold), she freaks and bolts out of the theater. Well, at least she had a bit more substantial evidence than the Love Machine this time.

Meanwhile, Slater and Jennifer are discovering all sorts of things about each other, like the fact that Jennifer no longer likes to sit in the back of the theater and that she prefers Kevin Costner over Mel Gibson. Obviously, these are the kind of things that make or break a relationship, as Jen and Slater decide to call it quits based solely on these trivial differences--and the fact that Jennifer is due back at the SBTB Bermuda Triangle right after her obligatory 30 seconds of flirting with Zack.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Contrary to popular belief, peanut butter and jelly have no visible feelings for each other." --Screech, testing out the Love Machine

Grade
Clare: B-. I have always suspected Jessie was a bit, well, mentally unbalanced, but in this episode she's about one boiled rabbit away from Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. My GOD. And to think, it was all because of the Love Machine. The Love Machine! I can barely even grasp the utter stupidity of basing your entire romantic future on a completely implausible SBTB science project.

7:49 AM

Thursday, September 18, 2003

 

Lisa Turtle: The thing malpractice suits are made of

Zack's at the Max trying to do a math take-home test very unsuccessfully (He's using his fingers. Hey, Zack! We have these things called calculators. Or even an abacus would do) when Slater, Kelly and Jessie come in looking for him. Jessie’s obviously trying to be sexy with her shirt knotted in the front to expose a bit of tummy. In her attempt, she’s really annoying me. When Slater tells him the pep rally starts in a few minutes, Zack tells everyone that he’s not going, even though he’s the team captain, because he needs to finish his take home test. Uh, when did Zack become captain of any team? Lisa wanders in wearing a candy striper uniform as opposed to the cheerleading outfit she's supposed to don. She, also, cannot go to the pep rally because he parents are making her volunteer at the hospital. Gee, these two are dependable. It would be helpful if you told your teammates that you weren’t going to make it.

Zack got his test done in time for the game, however, because he and his teammates are in the locker room waiting to receive a pep talk from their coach, who can barely reach the door handle. What happened to Mr. Rizzo or whatever his name was who was there to witness Slater’s breakdown over loosing Artie? But I digress. Belding, not satisfied with the three-word pep talk, starts babbling about basketball metaphors for life. This apparently pumped Zack into such a frenzy that he felt the need to mold himself to Mr. Belding, so when Belding whipped around to mention one more thing, there was Zack…in the way. Unfortunately for Belding, Zack doesn’t stop or jump back a little like a normal person. No. He falls to the floor, clutching is knee in agony.

Screech wheels Zack through the hospital frantically as Mr. Belding follows. They come upon Lisa who gets a whole sentence out before seeing that Zack’s in a wheelchair. Can no one see wheelchairs on this show?!? Lisa totally rebukes the idea of wheeling Zack anywhere, but offers to go find her mother. Everyone sits around, fretting as if he’s getting a heart transplant. Hey! John Q this is not, people. Dr. Turtle reveals that Zack will live (Thank goodness. I was really worried there for a second), but he hurt his knee pretty badly. Lisa starts whining about all the work she has to do around the hospital and her mom reminds her, “We’re not here just to have fun.” I hope she means “here” as in “on this earth” and not “here” as in “at the hospital.” ‘Cause I know no one who pops by the ER for a rave. Anywho, Dr. Turtle gives Lisa a whole list of things to do after she checks Zack in. I’m assuming that she did none of those things since she jetted as soon as her mother left, leaving Zack in the care of Screech and Mr. Belding. You know, if she’s leaving patients in the middle of the hall, maybe she’s not the best person for the job. But that’s just me.

Some competent person has gotten Zack to his room and into some nice comfy flannel PJs. Kelly and Jessie have formed his harem as they give him massages and hold his sippy cup for him. Suddenly a groan is emitted from the bed on the other side of the curtain. Kelly goes to check and it’s Lisa, exhausted from all of her patient neglect. But I’m confused. Was she there the whole time, just eavesdropping? And how did she get into the room without Zack knowing she was there? I think she was waiting to rape him and she was interrupted by the visitors. It’s always the quiet ones. Some stripper looking nurse comes in, gives Zack a half-assed massage and tells everyone that visiting hours are over. Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack that he’s gonna need surgery, but Zack freak’s out like his leg’s getting amputated. Well Zack, a little coordination in the locker room would have saved all this pain.

The next day at the Max, Mr. Belding is slaving over all of the schoolwork that Zack conned him into doing. Why wouldn’t he just tell the teachers to give him an A? Or change the grades or something? But this is why I’m not a principal. Everyone rushes in and Lisa tells everyone that Zack needs surgery. Because of this momentous occasion, they all chip in and buy him an electronic black book, which they present to him at the hospital. I think they should have brought him the “Coping With Mortality” book that they’ve all apparently read because everyone’s acting like he’s on his deathbed. Especially Kelly. What a basketcase. After they fill Zack’s head with thoughts of death he falls asleep and, surprise, dreams that’s he’s died. I know this is a dream because of the white border around the screen, as opposed to the pink, fantasy border. Incompetent Lisa must have mixed a hallucinogen with his medication because he dreams that the entire school actually cares enough to hold a mandatory memorial service for him. The best part: Kelly and Lisa come out in their cheer uniforms – black, of course – and do a special death cheer for him. Wow. This frightens Zack so much that he wakes up and decides to hobble out of the hospital but Lisa’s mom catches him. Lisa, having nothing better to do in the middle of the night, comes down to chide Zack’s actions. Yet another idiotic “We were both scared before” childhood story ensues: this time Zack talks with Lisa about the time they were rushed to the hospital after they fell ice-skating. Now was this when they lived in Indiana…? ‘Cause I didn’t know ice-skating was all the rage in southern Cali. Zack finally calms down when his medicine kicks in and Lisa says a prayer for him while he’s knocked out.

Dr. Turtle has Zack wheeled into the hall where she explains the procedure. You know, I think I’d want by surgeon scrubbing up. Lisa walks off the elevator, apparently upgraded from candy striper to surgeon, donned in a replica of her mother’s outfit. She and Zack share a tender moment; he extends his hand for hers as she says that she wants to be with him. Be with him where? In the op room? C’mon. The cord needs to be cut some time.

With the success of the surgery, Zack’s back in his room, wearing his PJs under the cast. Wow. Me thinks the cast is a phony. Probably the same one Slater wore when Kelly “beat him up.” Slater brings in a b-ball hoop from the b-ball team because they want him to keep practicing. You know, they’re doing too much. It’s not like he’s recovering from chemo. Zack, determined to get another stripper nurse to come in, chucks the ball into the hall, but he gets Lisa instead. When Zack asks her to sign his cast, she brags that she helped make it. Oh! So that's why it's not a functioning cast. Zack thanks her for everything and Lisa proceeds to kick everyone out. I’m thinking she wants to finish her botched rape attempt from earlier. The world will never know.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
“Z-A-C-K/Since he’s gone the sky turned gray/He hurt his knee, went under the knife/Who’d a-thought he’d loose his life/Yay, rah” - Kelly & Lisa’s death cheer

Grade:
Kia: B. I thought this episode was pretty decent. It was a little cheesy with the whole "Zack's gonna die" mentality, but at least there was no Very Important Lesson to learn. And Lisa's started the process of developing a personality.

1:07 PM

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

 

Welcome to the meat market

A student council meeting is in session and Zack interrupts Kelly’s request for new cheerleading uniforms with a dumb joke about girls in bikinis. A high-pitched giggle is emitted from a girl who found Zack’s joke funny. I was laughing because Kelly asked for money from the student council. Don’t cheerleaders have boosters for that reason? A student council officer who looks like he just transferred from Bel-Air Academy lends his full support to the cheerleaders but giggling girl, aka Wendy, reveals that they don’t have any money. With quite an attitude I might add. Keep that up young lady, and you won’t be on any future episodes. Mr. Bel-Air really wants to get some new uniforms and Kelly suggests a date auction because Zack and Slater would bring in a lot of money. So…Zack and Slater are the only two guys in the school, or what? Jessie’s opposed to the auction and I tend to agree. What kind of desperate loser would bid money to date someone? The motion passes, however, and the fun ensues.

After the meeting, Mr. Bel-Air, whose name is Brian, breezes past Lisa and Kelly down the hallway. Lisa takes this as a sign that he likes her. When Kelly points out that he ignored her completely, Lisa exclaims that she loves it when they play hard to get with a really weird, maniacal look in her eyes. As Zack and Slater come down the steps, Slater bets Zack that he can bring in more money at the auction. Only from the flamboyantly gay crowd by the looks of his outfit: a neon orange blouse and some acid washed Aladdin pants with a disturbingly narrow waist and some buckles on the back. Smooth.

Lisa goes to the Max to try to get to know Brian better and…wait! Is that Bailey I see in the background? Oh, yeah. Scott Wolf back for a repeat performance as an extra. Anywho, Lisa bumbles around, trying to flirt and sounding like an idiot. Now I know the writers haven’t developed Lisa’s character in any type of way, but why’d they have to make her sound so dumb? I was embarrassed for her. Later, Jessie gathers all of the female extras in the locker room and lets her testosterone fly by marking her territory and telling everyone not to bid on Slater, slamming lockers to accentuate her point. Kelly and Lisa try to calm her down by saying stuff like “This is for a good cause” and “The guys want to do it, so it’s not sexist, it’s sexy.” A good cause, huh? I thought replacing Timmy’s lung was a good cause, but now I see it’s buying Kelly and Lisa new cheerleading uniforms. Jessie opens another locker just to slam it shut on her way out.

At the date auction Lisa gets into a bidding war with another black girl over Brian. Because, of course, no one else would be interested in the black man. You know, I’m delving way too deep into this. Stupid college courses. They mess with your mind, man. I can't enjoy any of the mindless stuff the same way I could before. Anyway, when Slater comes up there’s an embarrassing silence as Jessie stares down every female with a menacing look in her eyes and her books at her side, ready to throw at anyone who steps out of line. Why does she have books there anyway? Well, a good boy scout is always prepared. Kelly feels bad for Slater and bids on him. Everyone gasps in horror and Jessie retaliates by bidding on the next guy without knowing his identity. Big surprise, it’s Screech. Mr. Belding tosses a card aside, declaring that the next participant needs no introduction because he’s Zack Morris. Shoot. I wanted to know what the card said. You know it couldn’t have been anything positive. Zack comes out and the studio audience screams like they’re really getting a chance to go on a date with him. The bidding on Zack gets intense. Just as it looks like he’s gonna go to random blonde of the episode, Wendy rushes up with $100. Oh, did I mention that Wendy…well, she’s not the smallest thing I’ve seen. So everyone gasps in shock and some giggle hysterically as Zack has to be visibly forced off the stage to his date.

Lisa finds Brian at the Max and tries to hook up with him before the dance and he basically tells her that she’s too stupid to live. He rushes out – with his briefcase – as Zack and Slater come in. Wendy ambushes Zack and drags him to a table. It’s here that she blabs about being so excited about their date that she hasn’t been able to eat, but she guesses that’s a good thing. 1) Don’t tell that to a guy 2) Please don’t tell that to a guy 3) It’s been, oh, 6 minutes since the date auction ended. Does she eat every 30 seconds or something? Zack bails on lunch by clutching his back, citing an old track injury. At the regular booth, Lisa asks Slater what he thinks of the real her and he runs down a list of shallow traits. She realizes that she is an airhead and runs out.

At the next student council meeting Lisa walks in late with pearls, glasses, a power suit, books and a new vocabulary. Brian is extremely impressed by her newfound intellect and he takes her to a quiet little nook in the library so he can ravish her. OK, so that’s not what he said but it’s what he meant. Wendy finds Zack in the hall and he tries to fake another injury, but she’s onto him. She gives him this grand speech about how he’s avoiding her because she doesn’t look like random blonde girl or Kelly or Elle McPherson and she thought he was different (which is why she felt the need to pay for a date, right?) and how if she goes to the dance alone she’ll be with someone who’s honest. All the while, Zack tries to deny it. Indignantly, I might add. Like he’s offended that she actually figured out the truth.

In the Max, Lisa’s blabbing away about what art is ("What is art? Are we art? Is art art?") when Kelly pulls her aside, chastising her for not being herself. Lisa reminds Kelly that the old Lisa didn’t have a boyfriend. And the new Lisa does? Call me crazy, but he just started tolerating her 20 seconds ago and now he’s her boyfriend? She’s pretty easy. Jessie complains to Zack about Screech and wonders what everyone will think when they’re seen together. Why is everyone acting as if they’ve entered into a legally binding commitment contract? It’s just one dance. Geez, there’ll be another one the next day. Anyway, the whole point of that conversation was to make Zack feel bad that he blew Wendy off.

At the dance, Jessie and Screech do some kind of chicken dance while Zack sits on the bleachers with the nerds. Why does Zack always come to these dances after the “I may be fill-in-the-blank, but I’m self-reliant” girl dumps him? But anyway, Wendy comes in and Zack tells her that he feels guilty for dumping her. Exact words. I can see why he’s a ladies man. She gives him a mini speech this time and marches off. Maybe it’s me, but if I paid $100 for a date, I’d get all I could out of that investment. In other news at the dance, Slater is so consumed by his emotions for Jessie that he calls everyone in sight by her name. Then when people ask how he’s doing, he acts like she just died or something and he’ll never see her again. Jessie comes to rescue her man and he hugs her like he didn’t just see her 5 seconds ago. Lisa, seeing that Jessie and Slater are “back together” from their 18 minute split wants to go congratulate them. Brian, however, commences to bashing all of her friends, even calling Jessie a “pseudo-intellectual neurotic.” Ha! That was pretty on-point. Lisa gets really fired up when he talks about Zack, though. So much so that she starts stripping into a more Lisa-type outfit and dumps him. I’m glad she had that extra set of clothes on underneath. You never know when you’ll need it. Kelly comes out and does a cheer in the new uniform, which includes a skirt that has the nifty habit of twirling all the way up over her butt whenever she spins around. Slater must have found this exciting (either that or he didn’t know he was on camera) because he made up his own little cheer to go along.

But it’s last dance time. As people pair off, Zack goes up to Wendy and begs for a dance, but as soon as the start, random blonde asks to cut in. Wendy tells him it’s alright, but Zack declines and even asks Wendy out after the dance. Random blonde gets an attitude, Wendy is speechless and I’m upset because she’s paid $100 for one dance and some fries at the Max.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Lisa: “If I think not, am I not? I think not. Don’t you think?”

Grade:
Kia: C-. I find this episode so demeaning, even for Saved by the Bell standards. Maybe it’s because when I was younger, I was a little porker and I was offended that Wendy acted so stupid. And Lisa! Oh, my goodness. I can’t even talk about it. This Very Important Lesson went oh-so-very wrong.

1:14 PM

 

Let's take a trip to the Wild West, Bayside style

Zack walks down the steps of Bayside with bodyguard Jessie as people console him as if his mom died. Something equally morbid has happened, though: Kelly dumped him the other night. Lisa takes this opportunity to suggest that he might meet someone at her Sweet 16 party. Someone like who? The 7 extras milling about? Zack convinces everyone that Kelly was just another chick, but when he opens his locker it’s apparent that he stole all of Kelly’s modeling proofs back when she was an international star. What kind of guy has GlamourShots of his girl in his locker, anyway?

Later, in English class, Lisa hands Kelly an invitation to her party and Kelly gushes over what a great opportunity it’ll be for everyone to get to know Jeff. Good one, Kelly. When Lisa doesn't know how to respond, Kelly asks her if he can come in a distressed voice. Or how about you just leave him at home since he wasn’t invited? Our favorite deaf teacher, Miss Simpson shuffles in and class begins. Since they’re studying romantic poetry, I’ll bet she’ll have Zack and Kelly recite a poem. Awkward situation #1. Later that evening, Slater and Screech take Zack to the movies to get his mind off things. It worked until Kelly and Jeff sauntered in. Screech and Slater try to communicate with each other and disturb every other moviegoer in the process except for Jeff and Kelly. Actually, Kelly glances at Screech but I guess it doesn’t trigger any kind of recognition. Someone gets shot in the movie and Kelly screams in the silent theater about 4 seconds after it happened. Zack turns, sees them and bolts. Awkward situation #2. Too bad Slater and Screech don’t feel the to follow him out.

The next day Zack tells Lisa that he can’t come to her party because Kelly and Jeff will be there. Kelly walks up and Zack and Screech walk off, but not before Screech growls at her. Jessie and Lisa confront Kelly about going out on a date with her boyfriend. Ooh, scandalous. Kelly blows them off, and rightfully so.

Zack is in his room trying to get his mind off Kelly so he starts to study. Too bad the book cover is filled with epitaphs like “Kelly Morris” and “I Heart Kelly.” You know, I really hope Kelly did that because that’s really on the little girl tip. In fact, I think I did that with Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s name when I was in the 6th grade. When every form of media he tries to occupy his time with turns to Kelly, the rest of the gang comes a-knockin’. Lisa is holding a list “a mile long” of girls that want to go out with Zack. Apparently they have to submit a resume and application to her before they can talk to Zack. He finally caves in and takes a date that each friend suggested to the same movie he walked out on. Zack strikes “gold” when he goes out with Screech’s cousin, Kimberly. She comes from the tribe of the orange scrunchie and looks about 42. Zack brings her to the Max and flaunts her in front of Kelly. She gets really mad for some reason and stomps off. When Zack and Kimberly dance to A-12 – Zack and Kelly’s song – everything hits the fan. Kelly’s so mad that Zack is dancing to a song that was theirs that she slaps him. I mean, but they’re not together anymore, right? I’m sure Zack was mad that Jeff was dating a girl that was his, but you don’t see him beating Kelly.

The next day, the girls ask Kelly’s forgiveness, then turn around and blast Zack for going out with a girl like they told him to. When Zack tells Lisa to choose who’s coming to her party, she chooses Kelly and he goes all ballistic, opening his locker and throwing out Kelly’s sweater, volleyball, pom poms, pictures and other assorted things that really don’t belong in a boyfriend’s locker. I see now that she was just using him for storage space.

Zack’s finally calmed down a bit and is sitting in his room holding a present when Screech walks in. He tries to convince Zack to go, but Zack declines. And maybe it’s all for the best as we see Lisa’s party in full swing, including Jessie and Slater practicing for their audition for Dirty Dancing 2. If you’re gonna act like you can dance, at least dance on beat. You know, Lisa’s house looks suspiciously like Screech’s. And her outfit, while obviously ugly and way too formal, reminds me of a ballerina’s costume. Suddenly, the lights dim and Jessie brings out Lisa’s birthday cake. Lisa covers her mouth in shock. Did she not know this whose party this was? When the lights come up, Zack magically appears and after giving Lisa his birthday wishes, he goes to “settle something”. What is this? The Wild West? He apologizes to Kelly and they agree to be friends. As Zack congratulates Jeff on his “conquest,” Slater is in the background, visibly trying to rape Jessie. I mean, seriously. She pushes him away and tries to run for her life. Zack relays the moral of the story and a redhead – even older than Screech’s cousin – waltzes by and asks if he believes in love at first sight…then walks away. I’ll tell you what I believe in: waiting for the answer of a question you just asked.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Lisa: “Honey, if I was Kelly, you’d still be pulling a hairbrush out of your ear. Now don’t get me started.”

Grade:
Kia: B-. I like Zack and his Mrs. Robinson complex and I was so glad that the Kelly fiasco finally came to a close. Too bad he married her. But the best thing was Slater and his abusive nature coming to light. I’d never seen that before, but I'm so glad I did.

10:07 AM

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

 

Rod Belding: Rogue Substitute and Romancer of Flight Attendants

As Zack walks into history class, he informs us that it's time for the annual class trip. But first it's time for midterms. Break out the caffeine pills! But this time the hardest midterm in school is not geometry, it's history, which is being taught by the maniacal Mr. Dickerson, who's basically Mr. Testaverde without the Micro Machine schtick. Mr. Not-Testaverde grills the class on some very basic 3rd-grade history questions, such as who assassinated Lincoln. Then he laughs maniacally as he tells the class that none of this will be on the test. Well, of course not. This is 10th grade, not 3rd!

Fortunately, the gang is saved by the intercom (has anyone ever been saved by the actual bell on this show?) when Mr. Belding calls the class trip committee to his office. Apparently, this is the day they get to pick their destination. Jessie wants to picket a nuclear power plant. Naturally. Zack wants to go to Vegas, like what the hell are a bunch of 16-year-olds going to do in Vegas? Besides see Wayne Newton, of course. Belding says since they can't agree, he'll pick a neutral place.

Later that night, the entire gang is frantically studying in Zack's room. I can only suspect that Jessie must have given them all drugs because they soon start to hallucinate Mr. Not-Testaverde's face in everything from their school books to Zack's Magic Johnson poster. They decide it's time to take a break from studying to plug a show for NBC...er, I mean, watch "Fresh Prince." However, when they turn on the TV, there is Mr. Not-Testaverde in an argyle sweater, rapping about how they're all going to fail the test. Man, those pills are dangerous!

The next day it's time for the midterm, but Mr. Not-Testaverde is nowhere to be found, so Zack invokes the five-minute rule. You know, I invoked the five-minute rule in this exact same situation once. Freshman year of college, I had this English professor who was, I swear to God, on LSD. On the day of our midterm, she just didn't show up, so I said, "Let's invoke the five-minute rule." And no one even said, "What's the five-minute rule?" Why? Because they had seen this episode of SBTB. Anyway, with 5 seconds to go, Belding walks in and puts and end to the fun. He introduces the class to their substitute teacher, a man named Rod who we're supposed to believe is Belding's brother. But the class isn't buying it, and neither am I, based largely on the fact that they look nothing alike. Good job, casting. And do I even need to bring up the fact that brother Rod has never, ever been mentioned before? I didn't think so.

Anyway, Rod hands out the midterm and then takes a look at it, commenting that it looks pretty hard. So what, is it on a 5th-grade level? 6th? Oooh. Rod says instead of "taking history," they're going to "make history." Then he instructs the class to rip up their tests and yell "Wahoo!" Yeah, it's a veritable Boston Tea Party. Then he tells the class that they can give themselves whatever grade they want. Well, he says it's "whatever grade they think they deserve," but you know they don't all deserve the A's they give themselves.

With the strenuous business of "teaching" out of the way, Rod decides to spend the rest of class making paper airplanes and telling everyone his life story, like how he gave up being a pilot to be a substitute so he could "have summers off to follow his dreams." Uh, and what dreams would those be? I think he really just wanted to be a big slacker and mooch off his brother. Speaking of which, Belding comes on the P.A. and tells everyone that he's decided the class trip will be camping at Yosemite National Park. The gang is pumped, but Rod warns them about going camping with "Richie" since he once got lost in their backyard.

After school, Rod, Zack and Screech are watching some sporting event on a TV that has miraculously appeared in Mr. Belding's office. Conversation comes around to the class trip, and Rod tells the guys about his class trip when they went whitewater rafting. Rod heartily recommends whitewater rafting, which, according to him, pushes you to the limit and lets you really find out what you're made of. Dude, it's whitewater rafting; you're not joining the freaking Marines here.

The next day, Zack convinces everyone to back the whitewater-rafting plan. The only problem: Belding, who is up to his ears in brochures about Yosemite National Park and babbling on about waterfalls and deer. The gang can't figure out how to break it to him, but finally Screech just blurts it out. Belding is hurt that they'd rather go on the trip with Rod, but he agrees to it. I'm not sure why Rod going means he can't go, but whatever.

Later, the gang is preparing for the trip, meaning they've got an inflatable raft in the gym, and Rod is bouncing it up and down as the gang pretends to see deer. As Rod really starts jerking the raft, he tells them to hold on. I think he means to the raft, but Kelly and Zack seem to think he means to each other, as do Pete and Sylvester. Oh, well. At least they'll all drown together.

After the thrilling ride, it's time to practice CPR. Kelly and Jessie lie on their backs, and Rod instructs Zack and Slater to tilt their heads back and then says, "Go for it!" Um, what about closing off their nasal passages? What about chest compressions? I'm not exactly CPR certified, but I think there's a little more to it than "Go for it!" Belding walks in in the middle of the makeout session and orders everyone back to class. Zack stays behind to get his digs in, telling Belding he's just jealous because Rod is the best teacher they've ever had. Um, what exactly has he "taught" them, other than slacking off and making out? I'm assuming they already knew how to do those things anyway.

The next night, it's time to leave for the trip. Everyone is gathered in the gym, but Rod is nowhere to be found. Zack goes to look for him and overhears Rod and Mr. Belding having an argument about Rod ditching the kids for his weekend fling with a stewardess named Inga. Um, boys? It's "flight attendant," OK? Anyway, Belding tells Rod he's not going to cover for him anymore and orders him out of his school. Rod storms out of the office and somehow fails to notice Zack standing a few feet away from him.

Back at the gym, Belding breaks the news to the gang about Rod, but at the last minute decides to lie and tell them he has the flu. Everyone assumes the trip is off and gets ready to go home, but then Belding offers to take them instead, even though he knows nothing about rafting. That's what guides are for anyway. Everyone is excited that the trip is back on, especially Kelly, who gives Belding a kiss as she makes her way to the bus. What is going on here? Who kisses their principal? Anyway, as the gym empties, Zack confronts Belding about the truth about Rod. Belding says he's sorry Zack had to find out because he knows how much the kids idolized Rod. Zack says they got "the better Belding," and then the two embrace. Awwww. But back off, Zack, he's Kelly's man!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Wow...a building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!" --Screech

Grade
Clare: B. I've always hated Rod Belding. He swaggered into Bayside with his long blond hair and tales of his exotic life as a substitute teacher and totally made the kids dis Mr. Belding. And in the end, only Zack learned what an ass he really was. I hope he rots in the SBTB Bermuda Triangle.

7:38 AM

Sunday, September 14, 2003

 

Lisa Turtle: Honor Roll Student, Lime Green Lover, Able to Add...well, not so much

It is report card time, so that means it is time for everyone's parents to shower them with gifts. Jessie got all A's, so her parents gave her flowers. Kelly got all B's, so her parents bought her ice cream. Lisa has made the honor roll, and for all of this hard work, she was given her dad's credit card to go to the mall and buy something nice. Not really such a great idea on Lisa's dad's part, but without his stupidity this episode would not exist...moving on. Everyone is waiting at the booth in the Max, anticipating the debut of Lisa's great new outfit. Thanks to Max's magic--which consisted of Lisa crawling out of a box with a curtain on it that had seconds before housed Max burgers--Lisa makes a grand entrance, wearing a lime green atrocity, complete with a non-matching multicolored patchwork purse and different-color-lime green hair bow. The outfit--a lime green bolo jacket over a black bodysuit paired with lime green walking shorts--plus accessories, including Maneater perfume, totaled almost $400. Lisa never would have known unless her friends hadn't been so pragmatic as to prompt her to add up all of her purchases on Screech's watch calculator. Lisa had no idea she had spent so much money...you think an honor roll student would be able to keep track of this stuff. But anyway. Her oh-so-practical friends persuaded her to keep one item, and take back the rest.

Fast forward to sometime later, we find out that--shock!--the store wouldn't take back any of the hideous crap that Lisa had bought and ALREADY WORE. Big surprise. Lisa doesn't know what to do to stay out of trouble now. Kelly and Jessie try to convince Lisa to tell her father the truth, but Lisa has a horrible vision of the consequences--her father turns into some sort of devil character, Screech is the Grim Reaper, naming Lisa as the worst daughter ever, and Lisa turns into some sort of 80's punk girl, complete with orange sparkley wig and nose ring. Because of this vision, she decides honesty is not the best policy-- but trusting Zack Morris to solve your problems is. Again, this logic from an honor roll student? What kind of academic standards is Bayside holding itself to? Oh wait, I forgot--it is a public high school in California, where learning practical knowledge comes second. Second to what, I don't know yet, but it definitely is not their first priority.

Zack's plan is to sell opportunities to kiss Lisa during Ms. Wentworth's biology class. True to Ms. Wentworth form, she is teaching a class about reproduction, and getting a little too into it, making really bad jokes and imitating the mating noises of frogs. It is during this class that Lisa gets kisses from a number of random SBTB extras. This really makes her angry, but it is all part of the Zack Morris plan to get Lisa out of Debt, so she goes with it for a little while. When she can't take the kissing anymore, they decide to sell all of Lisa's clothes. During school. Out of the lockers. Screech rigged up the lockers to open simultaneously, which he does only when the coast is clear of Belding. They sell some of Lisa's lingerie. Lingerie, for a high school freshman? Seriously, what 14-year-old needs lingerie? Screech buys it--of course--and they go on to sell tacky cowboy boots, hideous bathing suits (as modeled by Kelly), and other supposedly fashionable clothes.

Belding does walk in at one point, and suspects Zack is up to something--even though the lockers are closed. Thank goodness Slater is there to distract Belding with his supposed cross dressing crisis. Slater asks Mr. B's opinion of whether or not one of Lisa's dresses would be okay for him to wear the next day at school. Belding escorts Slater to his office, and it is revealed that Slater is a size 6. Belding thought A.C. would have been a 12, and I would too--there is no way a size 6 dress would have fit Slater's upper body. But I digress. The meeting turned into a pity party for Mr. Belding, thus buying more time to peddle Lisa's clothes in the hallway.

Eventually, Belding emerges from his office to find the sale of the century going on in the hallowed hall of Bayside. Coincidentally, there is a clothing drive going on at the same time, and Mr. Belding assumes all of the clothes--strategically displayed in every locker--are here to be donated, thus ending the Dress Like Lisa sale.

Still on a mission to earn the money she blew on an outrageously ugly outfit, Lisa has turned to waiting tables at the Max, which proves to be a daunting task for her. She can't balance the tray, so Max glues everything down. A good idea, until Lisa tries to give the food to the customers. Lisa gets fed up and quits, but the gang pitches in to help her out. Slater thinks it is a good idea to take food away before people get a chance to even eat it. Call me crazy, but I think a better way to make tips is to ACTUALLY LET THE PEOPLE EAT THE FOOD THEY ARE PAYING FOR. But, the SBTB gang thinks that quantity over quality will make them enough money to pay off Lisa's debt.

Lisa FINALLY decides to tell her dad the truth. So she does. And her dad is so understanding about it, he wants to take her to Sizzler! Lisa is appalled by this gesture, and tells her dad what all she has been through--being kissed by nerds, selling all of her clothes, becoming--gasp--a waitress!!! Her dad cannot believe this last one. Lisa gave him the $150 she has made so far, and her dad punishes her by making her earn the remainder of the money to pay him back. Zack and Jessie come over to give Lisa some money everyone donated, but she won't take it. Anyway, it is a happy ending--Lisa learns the value of money, Lisa's dad isn't mad, and we get famous words of wisdom from Zack Morris. The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it.

--Bri

Quote of the Episode
"The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it!" --Zack (so I mentioned it already--too bad. It IS the quote of the episode.)

Grade
Bri: B-. This episode was okay--I mean, it had a dream sequence and all--but it just isn't as funny as other episodes. Plus, the fact that Lisa's clothes are SO ugly but everyone thinks they are fashionable really gets to me.

11:25 PM