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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Welcome to the meat market

A student council meeting is in session and Zack interrupts Kelly’s request for new cheerleading uniforms with a dumb joke about girls in bikinis. A high-pitched giggle is emitted from a girl who found Zack’s joke funny. I was laughing because Kelly asked for money from the student council. Don’t cheerleaders have boosters for that reason? A student council officer who looks like he just transferred from Bel-Air Academy lends his full support to the cheerleaders but giggling girl, aka Wendy, reveals that they don’t have any money. With quite an attitude I might add. Keep that up young lady, and you won’t be on any future episodes. Mr. Bel-Air really wants to get some new uniforms and Kelly suggests a date auction because Zack and Slater would bring in a lot of money. So…Zack and Slater are the only two guys in the school, or what? Jessie’s opposed to the auction and I tend to agree. What kind of desperate loser would bid money to date someone? The motion passes, however, and the fun ensues.

After the meeting, Mr. Bel-Air, whose name is Brian, breezes past Lisa and Kelly down the hallway. Lisa takes this as a sign that he likes her. When Kelly points out that he ignored her completely, Lisa exclaims that she loves it when they play hard to get with a really weird, maniacal look in her eyes. As Zack and Slater come down the steps, Slater bets Zack that he can bring in more money at the auction. Only from the flamboyantly gay crowd by the looks of his outfit: a neon orange blouse and some acid washed Aladdin pants with a disturbingly narrow waist and some buckles on the back. Smooth.

Lisa goes to the Max to try to get to know Brian better and…wait! Is that Bailey I see in the background? Oh, yeah. Scott Wolf back for a repeat performance as an extra. Anywho, Lisa bumbles around, trying to flirt and sounding like an idiot. Now I know the writers haven’t developed Lisa’s character in any type of way, but why’d they have to make her sound so dumb? I was embarrassed for her. Later, Jessie gathers all of the female extras in the locker room and lets her testosterone fly by marking her territory and telling everyone not to bid on Slater, slamming lockers to accentuate her point. Kelly and Lisa try to calm her down by saying stuff like “This is for a good cause” and “The guys want to do it, so it’s not sexist, it’s sexy.” A good cause, huh? I thought replacing Timmy’s lung was a good cause, but now I see it’s buying Kelly and Lisa new cheerleading uniforms. Jessie opens another locker just to slam it shut on her way out.

At the date auction Lisa gets into a bidding war with another black girl over Brian. Because, of course, no one else would be interested in the black man. You know, I’m delving way too deep into this. Stupid college courses. They mess with your mind, man. I can't enjoy any of the mindless stuff the same way I could before. Anyway, when Slater comes up there’s an embarrassing silence as Jessie stares down every female with a menacing look in her eyes and her books at her side, ready to throw at anyone who steps out of line. Why does she have books there anyway? Well, a good boy scout is always prepared. Kelly feels bad for Slater and bids on him. Everyone gasps in horror and Jessie retaliates by bidding on the next guy without knowing his identity. Big surprise, it’s Screech. Mr. Belding tosses a card aside, declaring that the next participant needs no introduction because he’s Zack Morris. Shoot. I wanted to know what the card said. You know it couldn’t have been anything positive. Zack comes out and the studio audience screams like they’re really getting a chance to go on a date with him. The bidding on Zack gets intense. Just as it looks like he’s gonna go to random blonde of the episode, Wendy rushes up with $100. Oh, did I mention that Wendy…well, she’s not the smallest thing I’ve seen. So everyone gasps in shock and some giggle hysterically as Zack has to be visibly forced off the stage to his date.

Lisa finds Brian at the Max and tries to hook up with him before the dance and he basically tells her that she’s too stupid to live. He rushes out – with his briefcase – as Zack and Slater come in. Wendy ambushes Zack and drags him to a table. It’s here that she blabs about being so excited about their date that she hasn’t been able to eat, but she guesses that’s a good thing. 1) Don’t tell that to a guy 2) Please don’t tell that to a guy 3) It’s been, oh, 6 minutes since the date auction ended. Does she eat every 30 seconds or something? Zack bails on lunch by clutching his back, citing an old track injury. At the regular booth, Lisa asks Slater what he thinks of the real her and he runs down a list of shallow traits. She realizes that she is an airhead and runs out.

At the next student council meeting Lisa walks in late with pearls, glasses, a power suit, books and a new vocabulary. Brian is extremely impressed by her newfound intellect and he takes her to a quiet little nook in the library so he can ravish her. OK, so that’s not what he said but it’s what he meant. Wendy finds Zack in the hall and he tries to fake another injury, but she’s onto him. She gives him this grand speech about how he’s avoiding her because she doesn’t look like random blonde girl or Kelly or Elle McPherson and she thought he was different (which is why she felt the need to pay for a date, right?) and how if she goes to the dance alone she’ll be with someone who’s honest. All the while, Zack tries to deny it. Indignantly, I might add. Like he’s offended that she actually figured out the truth.

In the Max, Lisa’s blabbing away about what art is ("What is art? Are we art? Is art art?") when Kelly pulls her aside, chastising her for not being herself. Lisa reminds Kelly that the old Lisa didn’t have a boyfriend. And the new Lisa does? Call me crazy, but he just started tolerating her 20 seconds ago and now he’s her boyfriend? She’s pretty easy. Jessie complains to Zack about Screech and wonders what everyone will think when they’re seen together. Why is everyone acting as if they’ve entered into a legally binding commitment contract? It’s just one dance. Geez, there’ll be another one the next day. Anyway, the whole point of that conversation was to make Zack feel bad that he blew Wendy off.

At the dance, Jessie and Screech do some kind of chicken dance while Zack sits on the bleachers with the nerds. Why does Zack always come to these dances after the “I may be fill-in-the-blank, but I’m self-reliant” girl dumps him? But anyway, Wendy comes in and Zack tells her that he feels guilty for dumping her. Exact words. I can see why he’s a ladies man. She gives him a mini speech this time and marches off. Maybe it’s me, but if I paid $100 for a date, I’d get all I could out of that investment. In other news at the dance, Slater is so consumed by his emotions for Jessie that he calls everyone in sight by her name. Then when people ask how he’s doing, he acts like she just died or something and he’ll never see her again. Jessie comes to rescue her man and he hugs her like he didn’t just see her 5 seconds ago. Lisa, seeing that Jessie and Slater are “back together” from their 18 minute split wants to go congratulate them. Brian, however, commences to bashing all of her friends, even calling Jessie a “pseudo-intellectual neurotic.” Ha! That was pretty on-point. Lisa gets really fired up when he talks about Zack, though. So much so that she starts stripping into a more Lisa-type outfit and dumps him. I’m glad she had that extra set of clothes on underneath. You never know when you’ll need it. Kelly comes out and does a cheer in the new uniform, which includes a skirt that has the nifty habit of twirling all the way up over her butt whenever she spins around. Slater must have found this exciting (either that or he didn’t know he was on camera) because he made up his own little cheer to go along.

But it’s last dance time. As people pair off, Zack goes up to Wendy and begs for a dance, but as soon as the start, random blonde asks to cut in. Wendy tells him it’s alright, but Zack declines and even asks Wendy out after the dance. Random blonde gets an attitude, Wendy is speechless and I’m upset because she’s paid $100 for one dance and some fries at the Max.


Quote of the episode:
Lisa: “If I think not, am I not? I think not. Don’t you think?”

Kia: C-. I find this episode so demeaning, even for Saved by the Bell standards. Maybe it’s because when I was younger, I was a little porker and I was offended that Wendy acted so stupid. And Lisa! Oh, my goodness. I can’t even talk about it. This Very Important Lesson went oh-so-very wrong.

1:14 PM

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