Friday, September 19, 2003

 

You can call me Albert Clifford

The gang is gathered in Mr. Tuttle's science class. Honestly, is there a class at Bayside that Mr. Tuttle hasn't taught? I highly doubt it. Anyway, they're working on their science projects, and this time they all pretty much fall in the completely implausible category. Third place for complete implausibility goes to Zack and Jessie for their Bond-esque "micro listening device." Now, it is not the "micro listening device" itself I take issue with. In fact, I even own something similar--a pen with a built-in recorder that Kate got me for Christmas from Restoration Hardware. What I am completely unable to believe is the fact that Jessie appears to have constructed it by poking a pen with a screwdriver. I don't think so. Anyway, moving on. In second place for complete implausibility, we have Slater and Random Airhead Extra with gas-powered rollerblades. Um, I'm not even going to go there. And finally, the winner for complete implausibility is Kelly and Screech with The Love Machine! The Love Machine is basically one of those machines you see in malls where you put your hand on it and it lights up and tells you whether you're good in bed or not. You know, I always assumed those served no scientific purpose other seeing how much money they can cheat you out of, but hey, I could be wrong.

In the midst of the Compeltely Implausible Science Project Contest, Mr. Belding walks in with a new student. We can tell she's a Hot Girl because she is wearing the official Hot Girl uniform--a belted oversize T-shirt with a spandex miniskirt. But she's not just any Hot Girl--she's Jennifer, Slater's girlfriend from Germany. Man, what are the odds? Well, considering that the only places that exist in the SBTB universe are Bayside, Hawaii and, apparently, Germany, I'd say pretty damn good.

Out in the hall, Slater does his best to avoid Jennifer by walking over to her with his hand over his face. Pretty cunning, but unfortunately, Slater's trademark pleated pants (not to mention his mullet) give him away. Jennifer screams, "Albert Clifford?!?!" and Jessie's all like, "Albert?!" and Kelly's all like, "Clifford?!" and the rest of us are all like, "Dude. That's pretty unfortunate." Jennifer can't believe her luck that she and Albert Clifford have ended up at the same school. Obviously she is not aware of the limited scope of the SBTB universe. Before both Jessie and Jennifer can catch on the fact that Slater is now a polygamist, Zack whisks Screech, Jen and Albert Clifford off to the Max.

Of course, Slater first has to run home and change into a muscle T Jen gave him back in Berlin. Let me tell ya, it looks great with those pleated pants. Slater orders the guys to leave, but changes his mind when Kelly and Jessie suddenly show up. Apparently their student council meeting has been cancelled because Jessie "banged her gavel so hard on Ronald Geekman's hand that his retainer flew out and hit Mr. Belding in the head." That seems a bit...oh, I don't know, violent? Yet Jessie shows no remorse. What a psycho...little do we know, it's only a hint of what's to come. Anyway, the gang sits down, and it takes approximately thirty seconds for Screech to let it slip that Jessie is Slater's girlfriend. Upon hearing this, Jennifer gets up and storms out of the Max. Surprisingly, Jessie does not find this a bit odd. She must still be on a high from beating up nerds with her gavel.

Now I must take a brief break from this recap to tell you all an amazing but completely true story. In all the times I have seen this episode (including once few weeks ago), I have never until yesterday morning realized that Lisa is not in it. This fact distresses me greatly. I mean, I can deal with the random disappearance of Kelly, or especially Jessie. But where is Lisa? Has she been abducted by aliens? Did she join the merchant marines? I just do not understand. It's very alarming.

OK, back to the recap. Jessie is putting the finishing touches on the micro listening device (i.e. giving it a final screwdriver poke), so Zack recruits Screech to test it out. He takes it into the hallway, where Slater is unfortunately searching at that moment for a pen to write down Jennifer's phone number. Once Jessie hears what's going on, she goes ballistic and says she's going to "break his cheating heart." Dude. Chill. I mean, it's not like he's asking for some random girl's number at a club. They're at school, and it's his friend that he hasn't seen in awhile who just moved to town. Maybe he just wants her number in case he ever wants to call her and hang out. Of course, that's totally not true in this instance, but she doesn't know that.

And so she's already on the rampage. While Zack and Slater are in Zack's room concocting a plan that involves Zack taking Jennifer out so Slater can avoid Jessie's wrath, Screech comes by to inform them that Jessie has spray-painted "Death to Slater" on his locker. One would think that this is an exaggeration, but no. We cut to the hallway, where Jessie has indeed written "Death to Slater" in black spray paint across about four lockers. In addition, she has Slater in a choke hold. Talk about psycho. Also, wouldn't she get in trouble for vandalizing school property and, you know, making death threats? I mean, I know this was before Columbine and all, but good Lord. Where is Belding in all this, anyway? Is he still recovering from his retainer injury?

Finally, Slater acquiesces and agrees to continue seeing Jessie after she cuts off his air supply. Precious. But Jessie is still not satisfied. She wants Zack to go out with Jennifer so she can make sure Slater is over her. Well, doesn't this just work out perfectly for Zack? In addition, Screech has once again spilled the beans (honestly, why do they keep telling Screech stuff?), so now Jennifer is going to get back at Slater by being extra flirty with Zack. She even dances with him at the Max. Whoa, this is serious. Because you know the only time people dance at the Max (other than when Casey Kasem is there) is when they want to make other people jealous. However, Slater is able to convince Jessie that Zack and Jennifer's "romance" doesn't bother him.

But you know Jessie. She's a freaking crazy psycho and still doesn't believe it. So when Kelly and Screech need volunteers to test their Love Machine in Mr. Tuttle's class, Jessie immediately offers up Jennifer and Zack. Of course, this proves to be a big mistake when the oh-so-scientific machine reveals that Jennifer and Zack are somewhat hot for each other. And it bites Jessie in the ass even further when Slater grabs the machine's handle and it goes crazy! (Surprisingly, it is Jennifer holding the other handle, not Zack.) Once Jessie sees this, she storms out of the room in tears. Kelly gives Slater a dirty look and runs after her. Slater gives Zack a dirty look for stealing his woman. I can't believe they're all getting so emotional based on what the freaking Love Machine says!

Kelly and Jessie are in the locker room (naturally), where Kelly is convincing Jessie that she needs to drop the psycho routine and agree to let Slater go out on a date with Jennifer so he can realize what he'll be giving up. (One really starts to yearn for those choke holds and death threats, apparently.) So Jessie, sniffling by the Locker of Doom, tells Slater he needs to go out on a date with Jennifer--but that if he picks her, Jessie gets to keep his letterman's jacket. That's a pretty reasonable request, considering that we've never seen her wear it before, ever.

If you thought Jessie's psycho antics were going to stop there, think again! Quite to the contrary, she's just warming up. She's somehow coerced Zack to dress up with her like an elderly couple to spy on Slater and Jen's date at the movies. (No doubt a choke hold was involved somewhere.) Of course, Zack is dressed like the woman while Jessie is the man. She claims it's because the support hose were killing her, but we all know it's because she sometimes gets nostalgic for her former body. Anyway, when Jessie sees Jennifer start to massage Slater's neck (which is understandably still sore from the choke hold), she freaks and bolts out of the theater. Well, at least she had a bit more substantial evidence than the Love Machine this time.

Meanwhile, Slater and Jennifer are discovering all sorts of things about each other, like the fact that Jennifer no longer likes to sit in the back of the theater and that she prefers Kevin Costner over Mel Gibson. Obviously, these are the kind of things that make or break a relationship, as Jen and Slater decide to call it quits based solely on these trivial differences--and the fact that Jennifer is due back at the SBTB Bermuda Triangle right after her obligatory 30 seconds of flirting with Zack.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Contrary to popular belief, peanut butter and jelly have no visible feelings for each other." --Screech, testing out the Love Machine

Grade
Clare: B-. I have always suspected Jessie was a bit, well, mentally unbalanced, but in this episode she's about one boiled rabbit away from Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. My GOD. And to think, it was all because of the Love Machine. The Love Machine! I can barely even grasp the utter stupidity of basing your entire romantic future on a completely implausible SBTB science project.

7:49 AM