Thursday, September 04, 2003

 

Dance Party: It's no Fast Forward

The camera pans the Max, which used to double as a disco where students come to try and study as we see the gang - gasp, separate booths – hunched over books. Max comes in and breaks up the party with one of his bootleg magic tricks. He reads a telegram from Dance Party that says that they want to hold a dance contest at the Max next Saturday. Yes! Another excuse for Zack and Slater to fight over Kelly. Slater tried to convince Kelly to be his partner by breaking out in a jerky hip-hop/ballet/jazz/most embarrassing display I’ve ever seen fusion. I think I saw the Roger Rabbit in there somewhere. For some reason everyone thinks they’ve just seen Wade Robson because they clap wildly. Zack challenges Slater to a real dance off for a time and location to be named later.

Later on, the gals are in the locker room getting ready for gym. I guess their gym uniforms include wearing gray hot shorts. Jessie’s freaking out, as usual. This time it’s because she’s afraid she’ll never stop growing. Um, I thought Jessie was supposed to be smart.

In music class, the most ragamuffin band I’ve ever seen has been compiled. At least they set up the groundwork for the Zack Attack early. No, seriously, I see orchestra and band instruments and a random guitar. The teacher announces that he has to teach two classes at the same time because Bayside has given up on substitutes. They begin to play and the synthesizers used to imitate sound are working on overload because it sounds like crap. When the teacher leaves the room the class turns into a bunch of A class musicians who jazz up the song. The teacher comes back and they go back to sucking. When the teacher leaves the second time, Elizabeth Berkley gets up and shows us why she didn’t make it as a dancer. Zack obviously had a seizure caused by Jessie’s twitching and spinning in her brightly patterned shirt because he proceeds to ask her for dance lessons.

The next day in Belding’s office Casey Kasem stops by and they take the opportunity to embarrass yet another cast member by having them attempt to dance. Belding re-enacts his award winning Twist impression in hopes that he’ll be able to dance on the show…too bad all Casey wants is a school banner.

But back to Zack and Jessie: they’re in her room dancing up a storm – or, at least, that’s what they’re supposed to be doing – when Jessie busts out with a move she just “invented.” Sorry Jessie, but I think those pesky aerobics instructors already beat you to that one. Anyway, Zack asks why she’s not in the dance contest and she admits that she’s a freak because she’s so tall. I always thought she was a freak, but not because of her height. Zack overlooks her freakish nature and he comes back for one more lesson. They get through a whole routine in which Jessie does all the real dancing. Here’s my question: If Zack can’t dance, and he’s only learned one routine that Jessie’s made up, then how does Kelly fit into the picture?

The day of the dance-off, Lisa hobbles in on crutches and her dance partner dumps her. Everyone’s so offended and the guys act like they’re gonna beat him up. Which I don’t get. It’s a dance contest. If she can’t even walk, how is she supposed to dance? Plus I don’t see either of them rushing to be her partner. Though Zack should have. He would have had a better chance with Lisa than with Kelly. I think Zack realized that as well, though a little late since Lisa already hobbled away. So when Kelly wants to start the dance-off, Zack declines because he wants to go with the only person who knows the only dance he knows.

During the Dance Party, Max comes out in a snazzy variation on his work uniform, complete with sequined lapels and introduces Casey Kasem. The three finalists come out to dance one more time, first of which, The Spandex Twins. I wonder what they’ll be wearing. You know, for Kelly to be so poor, she sure did produce a jazzy outfit. Lisa probably made it for her. Slater and Kelly do some generic dance that involves Slater picking her up numerous times. Jessie senses the competition, so when the Powerhouse Preppies dance, she grinds on Zack numerous times. Preparing for her Showgirls audition, no doubt. Screech and Lisa are introduced not by a name, but by the dance they’ll do – the Sprain. They hop around like idiots and the other two finalists encourage everyone to clap for them. They get the pity vote and win. Win what, exactly? The chance to see everyone in the Max hop like idiots, I guess.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
"You better start running now punk or there's gonna be a full moon!"
-Slater to Lisa's ex dance partner.

Grade
Kia: C+. Seeing everyone fall all over Slater and Jessie like they're actually good dancers is great. I don't really like the episodes that try and show Jessie's insecurities...because I don't care. Plus Max was in it; not so good.

8:08 PM

 

It's raining men (in drag)

Slater and Jessie are at the Max working on their science project, which is a good ol' baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano. Man, I love the science projects on this show! They're either completely implausible or something I did when I was very small and playing in my sandbox. Slater inadvertently pours too much vinegar in the volcano, causing it to erupt a little too much, and Jessie chases him out of the Max, yelling about how hard it is to get lava stains out of clothes. Dude, it's not real lava. No wonder they're all taking Incredibly Remedial Science for Four-Year-Olds.

Screech wanders in with an entry in the completely implausible category--a huge pile of wires attached to some old-time photo flashbulbs, which he has given an incredibly long name consisting of about four vaguely scientific suffixes strung together. For our purposes, let's call it a transmogrifier. But instead of changing the cartoonal Calvin into worms or clones or what have you, Screech's transmogrifier does something much more useless. (I'm not sure what--you try making sense of completely implausible science projects first thing in the morning.)

Screech soon forgets the transmogrifier when Lisa walks into the Max. I don't blame him--she looks quite fetching in a black acid-washed miniskirt, white turtleneck, black bolero jacket and Boy George hat. (The sad thing is, I used to try to dress like that.) They do the whole running-across-the-meadow-to-embrace thing until we see that Lisa's actually running to embrace some random guy we've never seen before who ends up chewing her gum (which is especially strange when you consider we never see them kiss).

Dejected, Screech tells Zack he can no longer concentrate on the transmogrifier because he's obsessed with the fact that girls (especially Lisa) don't like him. Apparently forgetting that we already covered this whole plot line during the Miss Bliss season, Zack sets off to find Screech a woman. First target: Man-o Spano. At first, Jessie is receptive to the idea of going out with someone others find repulsive, likening it to Beauty and the Beast. But once she finds out the "Beast" is Screech, she turns Zack down flat. Desperate, Zack has only one place to turn: his giant cell phone.

From the men's room, Zack calls Screech on the hallway pay phone, pretending to be a Southern lass named Bambi. However, Zack soon learns that the men's room is not the best place to pretend to be a girl, as Belding happens to be in the stall and mistakenly thinks Bambi is hitting on him. (I should mention that Belding took a newspaper into the stall with him, so I'm a little surprised Zack wasn't immediately alerted to his presence.) Anyway, Slater walks in in the midst of Belding's conversation with Bambi and shamelessly eavesdrops. Hilarity ensues, naturally.

The next day, Screech is bragging to all of the girls about Bambi--until it dawns on him that he's never met her face-to-face. He then becomes obsessed with the idea of meeting her, and when Zack tells him it's impossible, he goes into the hall and handcuffs himself to his locker. OK, 1) Did he just have a set of handcuffs lying around at school? and 2) Geez, Screech, you've only talked to the girl once! What are you, a contestant on The Bachelor??

In Belding's office, Belding is trying to get Screech to un-handcuff himself from the locker. That's right--Screech is still handcuffed to the locker, and his locker and the adjoining one have been moved into Belding's office. During his conversation with Screech, it becomes abundantly clear that Screech will not un-handcuff himself until Zack agrees to let him meet Bambi, so Belding keeps paging his mysterious secretary "Jenny" to call maintenance. First of all, who the hell is this "Jenny" character? And second of all, I would think that if Belding and Screech managed to physically remove two lockers from an entire row of lockers and transport them into Belding's office, they could surely pick the lock on some handcuffs. Finally, Belding calls Zack into his office and threatens his life if Zack doesn't produce Bambi the next afternoon at the Max.

So Zack calls for reinforcements, namely Lisa...and Jessie. Lisa makes up some convoluted story about why Jessie's tagging along that involves a color wheel (why Lisa even has a color wheel, and why she would need one in order to dress Zack as a woman, is beyond me), but we all know the real reason why Jessie's there--if you're going to dress in drag, you might as well get the advice of a pro.

Although Jessie has done a fine job turning herself into a woman, her efforts on Zack leave a little to be desired. "Bambi" sort of reminds me of my grandmother. I think it's the huge tinted glasses. However, Screech seems to think she's quite a catch--as does Slater, who doesn't waste any time giving her the once-over. After Bambi admonishes him for being "fresh," Slater catches on to her true identity and once again gives Zack the once-over, along with a "Nice legs!" Hmm. Screech insists on introducing Bambi to the gang. Jessie and Lisa can barely contain their mirth. Kelly is completely daft and can't recognize Zack under a teased wig and tinted glasses. Slater cops a feel, and no one seems to notice that but me.

Finally, Bambi realizes that things are getting too serious when Screech puckers up for a kiss, so she gives him a bunch of insane Nazi dating rules and gets him to break up with her. As Screech leaves the Max brokenhearted but with the knowledge that at least one woman likes him (even if it is Zack in drag), Jessie commends Zack for his efforts on Screech's behalf. Slater, on the other hand, tries to get his digits.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"I understand. Actors, rock stars, principals...we excite people." --Mr. Belding, to "Bambi"

Grade
Clare: B. I'm not usually a fan of episodes featuring Angry Screech (I much prefer Happy-Go-Lucky-And-Kind-Of-Stupid Screech), but this one was worth it just to see Slater get to second base with Zack.

8:55 AM