Zack walks down the steps of Bayside with bodyguard Jessie as people console him as if his mom died. Something equally morbid has happened, though: Kelly dumped him the other night. Lisa takes this opportunity to suggest that he might meet someone at her Sweet 16 party. Someone like who? The 7 extras milling about? Zack convinces everyone that Kelly was just another chick, but when he opens his locker it’s apparent that he stole all of Kelly’s modeling proofs back when she was an international star. What kind of guy has GlamourShots of his girl in his locker, anyway?
Later, in English class, Lisa hands Kelly an invitation to her party and Kelly gushes over what a great opportunity it’ll be for everyone to get to know Jeff. Good one, Kelly. When Lisa doesn't know how to respond, Kelly asks her if he can come in a distressed voice. Or how about you just leave him at home since he wasn’t invited? Our favorite deaf teacher, Miss Simpson shuffles in and class begins. Since they’re studying romantic poetry, I’ll bet she’ll have Zack and Kelly recite a poem. Awkward situation #1. Later that evening, Slater and Screech take Zack to the movies to get his mind off things. It worked until Kelly and Jeff sauntered in. Screech and Slater try to communicate with each other and disturb every other moviegoer in the process except for Jeff and Kelly. Actually, Kelly glances at Screech but I guess it doesn’t trigger any kind of recognition. Someone gets shot in the movie and Kelly screams in the silent theater about 4 seconds after it happened. Zack turns, sees them and bolts. Awkward situation #2. Too bad Slater and Screech don’t feel the to follow him out.
The next day Zack tells Lisa that he can’t come to her party because Kelly and Jeff will be there. Kelly walks up and Zack and Screech walk off, but not before Screech growls at her. Jessie and Lisa confront Kelly about going out on a date with her boyfriend. Ooh, scandalous. Kelly blows them off, and rightfully so.
Zack is in his room trying to get his mind off Kelly so he starts to study. Too bad the book cover is filled with epitaphs like “Kelly Morris” and “I Heart Kelly.” You know, I really hope Kelly did that because that’s really on the little girl tip. In fact, I think I did that with Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s name when I was in the 6th grade. When every form of media he tries to occupy his time with turns to Kelly, the rest of the gang comes a-knockin’. Lisa is holding a list “a mile long” of girls that want to go out with Zack. Apparently they have to submit a resume and application to her before they can talk to Zack. He finally caves in and takes a date that each friend suggested to the same movie he walked out on. Zack strikes “gold” when he goes out with Screech’s cousin, Kimberly. She comes from the tribe of the orange scrunchie and looks about 42. Zack brings her to the Max and flaunts her in front of Kelly. She gets really mad for some reason and stomps off. When Zack and Kimberly dance to A-12 – Zack and Kelly’s song – everything hits the fan. Kelly’s so mad that Zack is dancing to a song that was theirs that she slaps him. I mean, but they’re not together anymore, right? I’m sure Zack was mad that Jeff was dating a girl that was his, but you don’t see him beating Kelly.
The next day, the girls ask Kelly’s forgiveness, then turn around and blast Zack for going out with a girl like they told him to. When Zack tells Lisa to choose who’s coming to her party, she chooses Kelly and he goes all ballistic, opening his locker and throwing out Kelly’s sweater, volleyball, pom poms, pictures and other assorted things that really don’t belong in a boyfriend’s locker. I see now that she was just using him for storage space.
Zack’s finally calmed down a bit and is sitting in his room holding a present when Screech walks in. He tries to convince Zack to go, but Zack declines. And maybe it’s all for the best as we see Lisa’s party in full swing, including Jessie and Slater practicing for their audition for Dirty Dancing 2. If you’re gonna act like you can dance, at least dance on beat. You know, Lisa’s house looks suspiciously like Screech’s. And her outfit, while obviously ugly and way too formal, reminds me of a ballerina’s costume. Suddenly, the lights dim and Jessie brings out Lisa’s birthday cake. Lisa covers her mouth in shock. Did she not know this whose party this was? When the lights come up, Zack magically appears and after giving Lisa his birthday wishes, he goes to “settle something”. What is this? The Wild West? He apologizes to Kelly and they agree to be friends. As Zack congratulates Jeff on his “conquest,” Slater is in the background, visibly trying to rape Jessie. I mean, seriously. She pushes him away and tries to run for her life. Zack relays the moral of the story and a redhead – even older than Screech’s cousin – waltzes by and asks if he believes in love at first sight…then walks away. I’ll tell you what I believe in: waiting for the answer of a question you just asked.
Quote of the episode: Lisa: “Honey, if I was Kelly, you’d still be pulling a hairbrush out of your ear. Now don’t get me started.”
Grade: Kia: B-. I like Zack and his Mrs. Robinson complex and I was so glad that the Kelly fiasco finally came to a close. Too bad he married her. But the best thing was Slater and his abusive nature coming to light. I’d never seen that before, but I'm so glad I did.