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Sunday, September 14, 2003

Lisa Turtle: Honor Roll Student, Lime Green Lover, Able to Add...well, not so much

It is report card time, so that means it is time for everyone's parents to shower them with gifts. Jessie got all A's, so her parents gave her flowers. Kelly got all B's, so her parents bought her ice cream. Lisa has made the honor roll, and for all of this hard work, she was given her dad's credit card to go to the mall and buy something nice. Not really such a great idea on Lisa's dad's part, but without his stupidity this episode would not exist...moving on. Everyone is waiting at the booth in the Max, anticipating the debut of Lisa's great new outfit. Thanks to Max's magic--which consisted of Lisa crawling out of a box with a curtain on it that had seconds before housed Max burgers--Lisa makes a grand entrance, wearing a lime green atrocity, complete with a non-matching multicolored patchwork purse and different-color-lime green hair bow. The outfit--a lime green bolo jacket over a black bodysuit paired with lime green walking shorts--plus accessories, including Maneater perfume, totaled almost $400. Lisa never would have known unless her friends hadn't been so pragmatic as to prompt her to add up all of her purchases on Screech's watch calculator. Lisa had no idea she had spent so much think an honor roll student would be able to keep track of this stuff. But anyway. Her oh-so-practical friends persuaded her to keep one item, and take back the rest.

Fast forward to sometime later, we find out that--shock!--the store wouldn't take back any of the hideous crap that Lisa had bought and ALREADY WORE. Big surprise. Lisa doesn't know what to do to stay out of trouble now. Kelly and Jessie try to convince Lisa to tell her father the truth, but Lisa has a horrible vision of the consequences--her father turns into some sort of devil character, Screech is the Grim Reaper, naming Lisa as the worst daughter ever, and Lisa turns into some sort of 80's punk girl, complete with orange sparkley wig and nose ring. Because of this vision, she decides honesty is not the best policy-- but trusting Zack Morris to solve your problems is. Again, this logic from an honor roll student? What kind of academic standards is Bayside holding itself to? Oh wait, I forgot--it is a public high school in California, where learning practical knowledge comes second. Second to what, I don't know yet, but it definitely is not their first priority.

Zack's plan is to sell opportunities to kiss Lisa during Ms. Wentworth's biology class. True to Ms. Wentworth form, she is teaching a class about reproduction, and getting a little too into it, making really bad jokes and imitating the mating noises of frogs. It is during this class that Lisa gets kisses from a number of random SBTB extras. This really makes her angry, but it is all part of the Zack Morris plan to get Lisa out of Debt, so she goes with it for a little while. When she can't take the kissing anymore, they decide to sell all of Lisa's clothes. During school. Out of the lockers. Screech rigged up the lockers to open simultaneously, which he does only when the coast is clear of Belding. They sell some of Lisa's lingerie. Lingerie, for a high school freshman? Seriously, what 14-year-old needs lingerie? Screech buys it--of course--and they go on to sell tacky cowboy boots, hideous bathing suits (as modeled by Kelly), and other supposedly fashionable clothes.

Belding does walk in at one point, and suspects Zack is up to something--even though the lockers are closed. Thank goodness Slater is there to distract Belding with his supposed cross dressing crisis. Slater asks Mr. B's opinion of whether or not one of Lisa's dresses would be okay for him to wear the next day at school. Belding escorts Slater to his office, and it is revealed that Slater is a size 6. Belding thought A.C. would have been a 12, and I would too--there is no way a size 6 dress would have fit Slater's upper body. But I digress. The meeting turned into a pity party for Mr. Belding, thus buying more time to peddle Lisa's clothes in the hallway.

Eventually, Belding emerges from his office to find the sale of the century going on in the hallowed hall of Bayside. Coincidentally, there is a clothing drive going on at the same time, and Mr. Belding assumes all of the clothes--strategically displayed in every locker--are here to be donated, thus ending the Dress Like Lisa sale.

Still on a mission to earn the money she blew on an outrageously ugly outfit, Lisa has turned to waiting tables at the Max, which proves to be a daunting task for her. She can't balance the tray, so Max glues everything down. A good idea, until Lisa tries to give the food to the customers. Lisa gets fed up and quits, but the gang pitches in to help her out. Slater thinks it is a good idea to take food away before people get a chance to even eat it. Call me crazy, but I think a better way to make tips is to ACTUALLY LET THE PEOPLE EAT THE FOOD THEY ARE PAYING FOR. But, the SBTB gang thinks that quantity over quality will make them enough money to pay off Lisa's debt.

Lisa FINALLY decides to tell her dad the truth. So she does. And her dad is so understanding about it, he wants to take her to Sizzler! Lisa is appalled by this gesture, and tells her dad what all she has been through--being kissed by nerds, selling all of her clothes, becoming--gasp--a waitress!!! Her dad cannot believe this last one. Lisa gave him the $150 she has made so far, and her dad punishes her by making her earn the remainder of the money to pay him back. Zack and Jessie come over to give Lisa some money everyone donated, but she won't take it. Anyway, it is a happy ending--Lisa learns the value of money, Lisa's dad isn't mad, and we get famous words of wisdom from Zack Morris. The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it.


Quote of the Episode
"The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it!" --Zack (so I mentioned it already--too bad. It IS the quote of the episode.)

Bri: B-. This episode was okay--I mean, it had a dream sequence and all--but it just isn't as funny as other episodes. Plus, the fact that Lisa's clothes are SO ugly but everyone thinks they are fashionable really gets to me.

11:25 PM

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