Thursday, May 29, 2003

 

Jessie's about to lose control and I think I like it!

We open at the Max, where Jessie is downing coffee at an alarming rate. This can mean only one thing: it's the best episode of all time, the episode where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills!!!!! I'll try to contain my excitement.

Anyway, Zack and Screech join her as she complains about the taste of coffee and then orders a refill. Screech points out the discrepancy here, and Jessie says that she needs the coffee to stay awake so she can study for her geometry midterm. Slater joins them and tells Jessie that all her problems would be solved had she only been born a man, since men are naturally better at math. Oh, Slater. If you only knew.

Lisa and Kelly come in, put "I'm So Excited" on the jukebox and convince Jessie to sing along with them. Since when did the Max turn into a karaoke bar? Anyway, after they finish their spontaneous musical number, Zack tells them that his dad has a friend who just happens to be looking for a girl version of New Kids on the Block. Aren't we all? Kelly, Lisa and Jessie turn him down, saying that they just like to sing for fun in the locker room, which makes no sense because they just finished singing in a place that is clearly not a locker room.

Of course, the boundaries of privacy and general human decency have never stopped Zack before in his quest to pimp his girl friends in every manner possible, so he sends Screech, dressed as a janitor (an Irish janitor named Sinead O'Connor at that), into the girls' locker room to record them singing. Jessie is still freaking out about the C she got earlier that day on a geometry quiz and how if she doesn't do well on the midterm, her life will be ruined, etc., etc. The girls (along with the help of "Sinead O'Connor") convince her that the best way to de-stress is with another round of "I'm So Excited." Well, I know that's what I always do to relieve stress.

Later that night, Slater and Jessie are studying at her house when Zack climbs through the window to tell her that the record producer loved their demo tape. Jessie begins her usual diatribe of "How dare you violate our privacy" until Zack uses the tried-and-true method of appealing to her vanity to shut her up. He tells her that the record producer liked her best, but she shouldn't tell Lisa or Kelly because they'll get jealous. It's clear that her drug abuse has already begun because a non-drugged person never would have fallen for that load of crap.

Anyway, Jessie wants to get back to studying, but Slater points out that they've been studying for four hours. That's about the same amount of time I've spent studying geometry in my entire life. At some point you have to realize that you're just not going to learn any more and give up. Or, if you're Jessie, you can just pop some more caffeine pills. Slater points out to her that even though the pills are over-the-counter, the warning label says they "may be habit-forming." Ooh, scary! Jessie totally lies and says she'll stop taking them, then gives Slater a "woooo"-worthy good-night kiss. These pills are making her crazy!!!

Speaking of crazy...the next day, Jessie is sitting with Mr. Belding as he eats lunch at the Max. What the hell? Who eats lunch with just their principal? Or rather, who sits and watches their principal eat lunch? She has totally lost it. She tells Mr. B. how much she wants to go to Stanford, managing to say "Stanford" about 12 times in two sentences. OK, we get it, Chelsea Clinton. God, her drug use has really gotten out of hand. It's even causing her to have hallucinations that her bad grades will land her at Surf University with Zack, where she'll be utterly disappointed that there's no learning. If I were her, I'd be more disappointed that Surf University is located nowhere near the ocean, but rather in a small classroom back at Bayside.

Later, the girls out in the hallway, where Jessie is still studying for the test. If she gets this way over the midterm, I'd hate to see her at finals. What kind of drugs would she resort to then--speed? Crack cocaine? Anyway, Zack tells them that there are three other girl groups in the running for the ultimate honor of becoming the girl New Kids on the Block, one of which is named The Zit Hit Machine. Now there's a great name for a band! You know what's an even better name for a band? Hot Sundae! Not Hot Fudge Sundae, just Hot Sundae. Yeah, I'm sure we'll see that in lights someday. Zack tells the girls that they're going to beat out the others by making a music video. Was that necessary? Does it really take that much to beat The Zit Hit Machine?

And...cue the music video! The girls run around some random gym with a huge window and exposed brick wearing different variations of neon-colored gym wear and singing "Get Down and Go For It." It's a wonder MTV hasn't voted this the second best video of all time in one of its countdowns, right behind "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

The day before the test, Jessie and Slater are in the hallway where Jessie is (you guessed it) still studying for the test. Seriously, wouldn't it just be easier to cheat at this point? Slater asks to borrow a pen, but when he goes to get it, he finds the caffeine pills in Jessie's backpack. After arguing over the relative dangers of caffeine pills vs. geometry (both of which I'd say were pretty low, but no one asked me), Jessie storms off, presumably to down more caffeine pills and talk maniacally about going to Stanford in between insanely long intervals of studying.

The next day in geometry class, Jessie seems to have moved on from caffeine pills to the hard stuff. How else do you explain her overly enthusiastic recitation of the Pythagorean theorem? I highly doubt there's any drug in the world that could make me that excited about the Pythagorean theorem. Jessie is the first to finish her test and starts yelling to Mr. Dewey about how she aced it. Way to be considerate of the other test-takers, druggie.

After the test, Slater stops Zack in the hallway to tell him about Jessie's drug problem. Zack refuses to believe it on the grounds that Jessie's his friend. Well, that is an infalliable excuse right there. I mean, isn't Slater Jessie's boyfriend? Does Zack think that Slater is getting his kicks by telling people his girlfriend is addicted to caffeine pills? Zack is probably her dealer or something.

Later at the Max, either the haven't worn off yet or she's taken more of them because Jessie is carrying on with her crazy loud-talking ways at the girls' practice. Either that, or she really is genuinely excited about singing with Hot Sundae for the record execs. Seriously, though, how could someone be that excited about being part of a girl group that calls itself Hot Sundae? They'd be better off if they were named Pythagorean Theorem.

Jessie finally comes down from her high, and she's passed out on her bed when Zack comes to get her for the big performance. She's disoriented when Zack wakes her up and remembers nothing about the performance or the fact that she's already taken her midterm. I guess we're supposed to assume that this memory loss is a result of her drug overdose and not of her having just woken up. She immediately goes for the pills, but Zack wrestles them out of her hand. Then she starts singing and screaming and crying and just generally overacting all at once until Zack manages to calm her down with some story about how they snuck out to see E.T. when they were little. Why did they have to sneak out? What kind of overbearing parents wouldn't let their kids see E.T.?? I think we're getting to the root of the problem right here.

Meanwhile at the Max, the gang has recruited Screech to take Jessie's place in Hot Sundae. Why didn't they just make like TLC and do it without Jessie? I'm sure the record execs couldn't tell which fake voice was supposed to go with which girl. I never can.

Later, the gang gathers at Jessie's to talk about her crippling addiction. She tells them that her mom is taking her to the doctor for counseling. Good Lord, she took caffeine pills for two days! Does it really warrant counseling? Then again, maybe the counseling will be a good thing, as it could help her finally admit the truth about her transsexual past to her friends.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Slater: "Jessie, these pills are dangerous!"
Jessie: "Yeah, well so's geometry!"

Grade
Clare: A+. This episode has it all: drama, romance, humor and plenty of musical numbers. Not to mention Mr. Dewey with an American Gladiators reference, Screech in drag and Elizabeth Berkley's trademark overacting. What more could you want??

Bri: A+. Here's the message that I'm sending to you--you can do what you want to do. And what I want to do is LOVE THIS EPISODE!! I concur wholeheartedly. I love the lip synching, the totally awesome workout clothes, and Screech's emmy worthy performance as one Sinead O'Connor and as an integral ingredient in Hot Sundae. This episode is the best episode of all time, hands down.

10:34 AM

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

 

You better work, cover girl!

Kelly is at her job at the school store. What, so she has to work here and at the Max? Doesn't anyone else in her humongous family work? Oh, that's right--world peace broke out and her father got laid off, so it's up to Kelly to provide for the Kapowski clan by hawking shell clocks and framed pictures of Mr. Rogers.

The gang comes by to visit Kelly and invite her for lunch at the Max, but she can't go because she has to work at this job now. Before they head off to lunch, the gang pauses to browse through some of the fine school store merchandise, such as the shipment of fluorescent pocket protectors that has just arrived! Zack laments the sorry condition of the store and, naturally, decides it's up to him to turn it around.

He takes his case to Mr. Belding and offers a pretty convincing sales pitch by way of a blank notebook, i.e. last year's sales figures. Uh-huh. But it doesn't take much to convince Belding, so he's sold!

Zack goes about de-nerding the school store, stocking it with a bunch of brightly colored Bayside athletic wear and a couple neon backpacks. Apparently in the aesthetic of the early '90s, this is much better. However, the stench of nerd still lingers, and the gang is having a hard time convincing their fellow 12 students to shop at the store. But Kelly, Jessie and Lisa don't care because they're late for swim practice. Good Lord, I'm beginning to think there must be 5 identical Kelly Kapowski clones, because how else could she participate in all these jobs and extra-curricular activities? Then again, since neither the school store nor the swim team are ever mentioned again, maybe there is just one of her and she has ADD. At any rate, Screech is also late for photography club. Hmm...girls in bathing suits...photography...we're witnessing a Zack Morris idea in the making here, people!

Screech, half-dressed in scuba gear, flops up to Zack in the hallway and says he was able to take pictures of the girls without their knowledge. Zack plans to use the pictures for a Girls of Bayside calendar. I'm sure the girls will never find out about this calendar, which is being sold at the school store where they now work and/or hang out all the time. Good thinking, Zack!

The next day, the girls are excited to see so many customers in the school store, although they do think it's strange that they're all guys. And as the sea of males parts, they see why: Zack has made cardboard cutouts of Kelly, Jessie and Lisa to promote the calendars. I can only imagine that Zack must get some kind of discount at the cardboard-cutout store, given the frequency with which he produces these things. At any rate, the girls are outraged. I say if you stand by the side of the pool and strike model-esque poses after swim practice, you get what you ask for. Because that's obviously what's happened here.

The girls lodge a complaint with Mr. Belding (aka Miss December), but before he can take any action against Zack, in walks photographer/teen model scout Adam Trask. Funny how fake famous people always seem to be turning up at exactly the right moment, isn't it? They should really rename this show Saved by the Fake Famous Person. Anyway, Trask tells them that he wants to use three of the girls from the calendar for a photo shoot in Teen Fashion magazine. The girls allow Zack to keep exploiting them via the calendars as long as he'll tell Trask that they're the ones he should use for the photo shoot. Why a fashion photographer should respect the opinion of Zack Morris is beyond me, but he does.

Cut to the hallway, where the fashion shoot is going on. Jessie comes down the stairs in full sexy-librarian mode, complete with the glasses-off, hair-down move. She's one stripper's pole away from Showgirls right here. Kelly and Lisa are a bit more wholesome. Some guy points a big fan at them. It's all very glamorous. They do the same thing at the Max and the school store. Trask is yelling, "You're a lemur! You're a lemur!" No, actually he's yelling things that are meant to be serious, but all I can think of is Austin Powers.

Sometime in the near future, the girls are at the Max, waiting for some big news from Trask. I guess we're supposed to believe that this is the next day, but it can't be because the magazine with their pictures in it is already out. I suppose in the land of SBTB, a magazine can go from conception to completion in a matter of about two days. Anyway, Trask's big announcement is that one of the girls gets to be Teen Fashion's next cover model and shoot in Paris...and that girl is Kelly! Everyone, being the good friends they are, gets totally bent out of shape about this--Lisa and Jessie because they weren't chosen, and Zack because he's the jealous paranoid boyfriend type.

Yes, Zack is afraid that Kelly will run off to Paris and fall prey to the charms of a cute waiter named Jean-Luc, and all she'll want to do when she gets home is drink General Foods International Coffee and reminisce about her French beau. Naturally he must put a stop to this, so he goes around convincing Kelly and the rest of the gang that things will fall apart at Bayside without her. Considering that she pretty much participates in every extra-curricular activity and works every available job, that's probably not far from the truth.

In the end, Trask points out to Zack what a jerk he's being for screwing Kelly out of an opportunity that could ensure she doesn't have to work 17 after-school jobs to support her destitute family. Zack apologizes to Kelly, but she doesn't really care because she's already decided to go anyway--but not without a little kissing and "wooo"ing first. Zack anticipated that Kelly would double-cross him and had the gang waiting outside with a cake, balloons and confetti for a bon voyage party. Of course, we're not actually saying bon voyage to Kelly, but rather to her career as a fashion model, which has just set sail for the lovely SBTB Bermuda triangle.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Trask: "And the best part is...the theme of the issue is American Girls in Paris!"
Screech: "Whoa...Paris, Texas! The big time!"

Grade
Clare: A-. Another classic episode. And one that makes you wonder--with all those cardboard cutouts of Kelly that Zack has, will he really miss her if she spends a month in France?

8:26 AM