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Friday, May 02, 2003
What’s a fashion show without a drag queen?
The gang is gathered at the Max when Lisa runs in, blathering about how a recruiter from the Fashion Institute in New York is coming to Bayside to meet her. This can mean only one thing: It's the episode where Lisa and Zack hook up! Anyway, Lisa needs to do something to impress the recruiter, so Zack suggests having a fashion show. What a brilliant idea...a fashion show for a fashion recruiter. It's a wonder Lisa didn’t fall in love with him right then and there for his outstanding mental prowess!
Everyone is way excited about the fashion show. Well, Slater is mostly excited about seeing “hot women.” And Jessie is just excited because Slater said “women” instead of “chick” or “babe.” Screech is excited because Jessie’s adam’s apple sticks out when she gets excited. And I’m excited because we’ve just found out Jessie’s big secret: She's really a man! She (or should I say “he”) doesn’t even bother to point out to Screech that women don't have adam's apples; she just looks away nervously. The gang doesn't seem to notice this momentous piece of information...but I am on to you, Spano! This explains so much.
Anyway. Back to the fashion show. Zack is dividing up tasks for everyone. Kelly and Jessie are assigned to sewing. Naturally Jessie takes issue with this and asks why the men can’t do the sewing. Jessie, stop trying to foil us with your pseudo-feminist politics. We all know. Zack explains that those who have decided to keep their Y chromosome will be in charge of setting up the stage and interviewing the models. Which is to say, they're going to pretty much do nothing, since the stage consists of a platform and some gold streamers, and the models consist of Zack, Slater, Kelly and Jessie.
Later, Lisa is at some unspecified location, working on her designs. I guess this is supposed to be her bedroom, but it doesn't look like her bedroom as we’ve seen it before. Where’s the poster of the hunky exercise guy that she imagined had Screech’s head? Also, there doesn’t appear to be a bed anywhere, just one of those huge slanted art tables. So let’s just say this is her “atelier.” Personally, I’ve always wanted my own atelier, so I’m a little jealous.
Anyway, Zack comes out of...where? The bathroom? The closet? I think we’ve got enough LGBT issues to deal with in this episode already, so we’ll stick with bathroom. He’s wearing one of Lisa’s designs, which is an iridescent brown suit and quite possibly the most dizzying geometrically patterned shirt he’s ever worn—that’s quite a feat. Good job, Lisa! Lisa is obviously disoriented by the shirt (which, seriously, looks like one of those posters that when you stare at it for a long time, a 3-D picture pops out) because she kisses Zack. It's not that long of a kiss, but it is still long enough for the studio audience to get in a fair amount of “woooo”ing.
The next day, Lisa tells Jessie about the kiss as Jessie is busy sewing various things to herself, including a zipper to her thumb. Perhaps I have a low threshold for pain, but it seems to me that this would warrant more yelping than just one quick “Ouch!” Maybe Jessie is still under anesthesia from her sex-change operation. Anyway, Kelly comes waddling in wearing a dress that she’s stuck in because, she claims, Jessie sewed it incorrectly. To me, the fact that she’s stuck in the dress appears to be not so much Jessie’s fault as it is Kelly’s, because she has blatantly refused to put her arm through the armhole. And it's also Lisa’s fault because she designed this dress with a red-rose patterned bodice and a black-and-white flowered pattern for the sleeves. The dress was probably provoked to attack Kelly because it was ashamed that it was so ugly.
Finally, it is time for the fashion show at the Max. Maybe I’m wrong, but a greasy hamburger joint doesn’t seem like the best setting for a fashion show. Anyway, the gang is “backstage” in the kitchen, wearing outfits that look pretty good, but only because they’re not as ugly as the patterned terrycloth robes that are being worn over them. Before the fashion show can begin, however, Lisa and Zack have to talk about their kiss and of course, make out a little more. This time, the kissing lasts for so long that the audience gets through an entire cycle of “woooo” with nowhere else to go. Good thing Screech walks in and sees them kissing just as he's about to give Lisa flowers because then the audience can pick up with “awwww” once he gets hurt and storms out.
During the actual fashion show, Screech gets a little creative with the fashion commentary, using details such as “the finest Italian leather” and “100% Belgian wool” to segue into bitter diatribes against Lisa and Zack. After he stomps off, Mr. Belding takes over, but the best he can come up with is that Zack is wearing really long pants. Lisa is devastated because she’s sure the recruiter is going to reject her from the Fashion Institute on the grounds that her clothes were described badly. However, the recruiter is from a land far, far away from Bayside called The Planet Where Things Actually Make Sense (either that, or she was hypnotized by Zack's shirt), and she says that she liked Lisa's designs, so she has a spot at the Fashion Institute.
Screech confronts Zack in the hall and says he wants to fight him by the willow trees. When Zack points out that there are no willow trees, Screech changes the location of the fight to the oak trees. Finally, we’re going to get to see these mysterious oak trees! Or, actually not because as soon as school is out, Screech starts using his mystical ninja fighting powers (which is to say, he makes a lot of squealing noises and un-velcroes Zack’s supposedly button-down shirt) right there in the hall.
Fearing that Screech might un-velcro more of his clothes, Zack offers to stop seeing Lisa. It is at this point that Lisa steps in and tells Screech that he’s just going to have to get over his 10-year crush on her because she wants to indulge this little fling that started with Zack 20 minutes ago and is set to end in about 30 seconds. Zack and Lisa walk of hand-in-hand to deposit their relationship in the Bermuda Triangle of SBTB Guest Stars, a blissful paradise where the relationship can sip piña coladas with Laura the homeless girl, take a dip with Mr. Spano and the Aerobics Bimbo, and play shuffleboard with Denise Richards.
--Clare
Quote of the episode
Zack: “We'll be busy building the stage, putting up the lights, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”
Slater: “Whoa, preppy, I don't like that third et cetera.”
Zack: “That's where we interview the models.”
Slater: “Et cetera.”
Grade
Clare: A-. First of all, there’s Slater’s memorable “et cetera”, another oft-quoted favorite of the SBTBP/AS. Second, there’s Screech’s fighting style, which inspired us to create the “Screech Salute.” (If you don't know, don't ask.) Finally, there's the truth about Jessie’s past life as a man! And did I mention that Zack and Lisa hook up? All together now: “Woooooooo!”
Patterned Sweaters, Fake Hair, and Leafblowers: Senior Year at Bayside High
First Day of School, Senior Year, Bayside High. Zack is elated because the fact he is a senior means no more algebra. He also gets to pick on poor, unwitting freshman. Slater and Zack fool this ‘freshman’ (he looked about 23 years old) into buying an all-inclusive pass so he can go to the roof to use the restroom. Everyone meets up right around the stairwell, as always, and the topic of the convo is finding dates to the senior kickoff party. Zack and Slater act as if they are turning girls away in droves. Lisa spots a hottie (Darren) across the hall and fixes her date dilemma in an instant. He must go shopping at Sears, too. He is wearing the exact same green patterned sweater that Zack is wearing in one of his opening credits clips. Then everyone’s favorite principal walks in wearing a wig with a small ponytail in back.
AFTER the bell rings, everyone disperses and decides to go to class. Except for Zack, that is. He lingers out in the hall and runs into a new girl, Joanna. Not really that beautiful, but Zack thinks so and makes a move on her.
Zack goes to class and makes a fool of himself in front of the new, ridiculously hard teacher who gave a test on the first day. Slater also meets Joanna, and is instantly in love with her.
At the Max, Kelly finds out that Lisa’s dream date Darren is a FRESHMAN!!! Zack and Slater are both discussing the hotties they scoped earlier in the day, not knowing it was the same bland girl. They decide to double date to the senior party… Jessie and Kelly break the news to Lisa that she is dating a freshman in the place that bad dating news is always shared—in the girls’ locker room. Lisa is mortified that SHE is the loser senior girl dating a freshman.
Slater and Zack discover they are lusting after the same girl and get into a fight in the hallway. Zack ends up making the first move and makes a study date with her. While Zack and Joanna are hitting the books in his bedroom, Slater comes in to clean with a LEAF BLOWER!! This blower also sucked, because it sucked Zack’s homework up. Zack was all ticked off, like he would never be able to retrieve his work, when in fact it is sitting there, fully intact, in the leaf blower bag. Joanna, who obviously didn’t think she was on an exclusive date, invited Slater to join.
Sometime later, Slater and Joanna went on a date to the movies, where Zack has paid Screech to dress up like an usher and some random woman named Martha to pretend she’s Slater’s mom and crash their date. They see Darren there, waiting for Lisa. Darren asked Slater if he had seen Lisa, who had apparently stood poor Darren up. The boy had faith, though—it was almost 9:15 and he had been there waiting for her to see the 7:00 show. Faith, or maybe he just couldn’t find a ride home. Anywho.
At the party, which no parents, chaperones, or principals are allowed to attend, Lisa shows up with Darren. They must have gotten over the fact that they were carrying on a May-December romance. Zack and Slater get into another fight at the party and Slater pours red punch all over Zack’s gay white pants. Mr. Belding, who showed up to the party despite the fact he wasn’t invited, ends up having his fake hair thrown in the punch after all is said and done. Zack and Slater decide this mediocre looking girl shouldn’t come between them, and they make up, officially kicking off senior year for the Bayside crew.
--Bri
Quote of the episode
“Why is Mr. Belding dressed like Sinbad?” --Kelly
Grade
Bri: B. This episode, while it didn’t have many memorable lines, was good because it was set in the school and had all major characters. After all of these on-location shows, it was good to see ol’ Bayside high once again. And to see Slater cleaning Zack’s room with a leaf blower. Also, Joanna’s bodysuit/vest combo was a great flashback to early/mid nineties fashion!
Clare: B. Like Joanna's looks and personality, this episode was pretty average. Belding's new image was mildly amusing, but Slater's leaf-blowing antics were the only real standout.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Jingle Bells, Bayside smells
In Bayside, Christmas is coming early this year. About eight months early. Maybe they operate off of an alternate calendar. Who knows? Anyway, the whole gang goes to Zack’s house after school to talk about their Christmas vacation and eat cookies (gingerbread chicks) that Zack and his mom baked. We learn that Zack is just happy to be out of school for two whole weeks and that is the only present he really needs. Well, he needs a new sweater, too—those brightly colored, geometrically patterned sweaters need a break. Kelly wants to buy presents for her sisters, so naturally she gets a job in the men’s store in the mall. Slater is going to be wrapping gifts at the mall. Jessie will be working with the mall Santa, taking pictures. This job is a freaking goldmine, paying $8 an hour!! Seeing that this was like, ten years ago, and that $8 an hour is a respectable wage today, working at the Santa booth in the Bayside Mall must have been better paying job than most people with college degrees have today!! Lisa is going to be a candy striper at the hospital, because her family rich and she doesn’t need to earn money.
A few days later, we see Slater at the mall, wrapping gifts. He absent-mindedly forgets to tape the bottom of a package, and a customer’s wine glasses crash to the floor! She is irate, but Zack mends things by grabbing Slater’s wallet and giving the woman a wad of cash to replace the broken glasses. Slater is bummed because he is only making $4 an hour and with his incompetence at wrapping, it will take him way too long to turn a profit. He is probably also bummed because Jessie got the last job taking Santa photos. We see Jessie, working hard in her overly sexy Santa minidress. She is being annoyed by bratty kids, and is telling them that Santa isn’t going to bring them any presents and so on. Call me crazy, but I think that is probably grounds to be fired. Jessie better watch it or she will be thrown off the gravy train. Sometime during all of this working action, Zack bumps into a random blond girl, making her drop her lunch of an apple. She gets smart with him, and then totally is sincerely touched when he essentially tells her she has a hot bod and doesn’t need to be on the apple-for-lunch diet. She runs off, though, late for work, and Zack doesn’t get to try out any more of his smooth lines on her.
While at the mall, Screech winds up with some sort of peeing doll with a bladder the size of Montana. This doll proceeds to empty the contents of this gargantuan bladder all over Screech, and he and Zack go to the bathroom to clean up. While in the bathroom, they run into a homeless man, shaving. He gives Screech a tip on how to get his shirt dry—use the hand dryer. Not really a big secret, but Zack and Screech act like it is such a cunning innovation. Zack leaves some money for the man and they go on their way.
Zack meets up with the blond chick again, whose name is Laura and works with Kelly in the men’s store. They go and get their picture taken with Santa, where Laura proceeds to fall in love with Zack. Zack continues to talk about the homeless man, saying he might be a wino or a druggie or what have you. But Zack is still concerned about this guy. Zack and Laura also share a plate of potato chips, and Laura freaking inhales them like there is no tomorrow.
The homeless guy collapses in the mall about the same time that the gang was heading over to the hospital for Lisa’s Christmas Party. At the hospital, Lisa is chillin’ with some sick kids. She helps them decorate the tree, and then tells them Santa is coming. She also kissed a small child, which is probably not the best idea seeing as these children are too SICK to go home for Christmas! When Santa arrives, we see that the Bayside gang has gotten some costumes and dressed up like Santa, Mrs. Claus, Elves, and Rudolph. I don’t know why Kelly was Mrs. Claus, when Jessie’s work outfit would have made her a better choice. Maybe Jessie just wanted to be closer to a tights-wearing Slater. Anywho, Zack comes in, cheers up the kids, makes it snow, and then the gang decides to check on the homeless guy that collapsed in the mall. When they make it up to the room, Laura is in there already. As it turns out, the homeless guy is (gasp!) HER FATHER!!! To be continued…
--Bri
Quote of the episode
“Gift wrapping—isn’t that an MC Hammer Christmas song?”—Screech
Grade
Bri: C-. This episode is entirely too sappy. The funny parts are few and far between, and every other line is something entirely too Christmasy-feel-goody, like helping sick kids, homeless people, blah blah blah. I think Christmastime is the only time this episode would be tolerable. Any other time of the year, not so much.
Peace on earth, and goodwill to all the good-looking homeless people
Previously on SBTB: Zack met a homeless dude and a girl named Laura, and they turn out to be related. Surprise! Slater sucks at gift-wrapping. For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, Screech bought a doll that peed all over him.
Still at the hospital...Zack, Screech and Slater give Laura's dad some cookies that they stole from the kids downstairs. After Zack realizes that cookies are not an actual meal, he invites them to dinner at his house.
At Chez Morris, She of the Bad Perm (aka Zack's mom) offers Laura's dad a fourth piece of pie as she tells them patronizingly that Zack's dad would love meeting them because he enjoys meeting "different" people. Speaking of which, where is Zack's dad, and why is he missing Christmas? Anyway, this segues into the story of why Laura and her dad are homeless, which is that he got fired and they missed one rent payment. See, this is why you should have a) savings, b) a line of credit, c) an insurance policy you can borrow against or d) friends you can hit up for money. Apparently, Laura's dad, although he was an adult with a full-time job, didn't know about any of these things.
The next day, Kelly and Laura are at Moody's Store for Men, talking instead of working. Laura wants Zack, a sports coat for her father and to get time off to be in Zack's mom's production of A Christmas Carol. It looks like she's going to have to settle for just Zack, though, because Mr. Moody is not inclined to give her time off or the salary advance she'll need to buy the sports coat. That is, until her good friends Zack and Kelly step in! Zack convinces Mr. Moody to let Laura be in the Christmas play as long as they endlessly pimp his store in it, and Kelly puts the sports coat behind the counter so she can buy it for Laura later. Oh, and she also lets it slip to Moody that Laura's homeless, which turns out to be not such a great thing.
Time for the Christmas play, which is the one chance the gang has all year to showcase how bad their fake Cockney accents are! And this year's winner for Worst Cockney Accent in a Mall Christmas Play is...Zack Morris! It was a really close race, though.
Back at Moody's Store for Men, Mr. Moody notices that the sports coat is missing and automatically assumes Laura stole it. Which seems like a reasonable accusation, because she totally could have stolen it using her telepathic powers while she was starring in the Christmas play. Laura doesn't even try to argue this line of defense and instead just flees the scene. Good move, Laura.
Zack and his gigantic cell phone organize a campaign to track down Laura. He finally finds her at the Christmas tree lot, where Laura and her dad are living in their car. Zack is shocked that they're living in this small car and suggests that they take up residence in his cell phone instead, where they would have much more room. OK, not really, but it seems like a feasible solution to me.
The whole gang gathers at Chez Morris for Christmas Eve because apparently they don't have families that they should be spending Christmas Eve with. Forget homelessness--orphans are obviously Bayside's biggest problem! Kelly and Mr. Moody (who don't appear to have families either) stop by to give Laura's dad the sport coat. Then Zack tells them that he's talked to the Missing Mr. Morris, and Laura and her dad can stay at their house until they get back on their feet. Which must happen almost immediately because--you guessed it!--Laura and her dad are never mentioned again. I wonder if there's some sort of Bermuda triangle where SBTB guest stars end up. Anyway, for the big finale, everyone gathers around the piano to sing "Silent Night." Awww...doesn't it just warm your heart? Or turn your stomach?
--Clare
Quote of the episode
"Oh, sorry...I forgot you were the sickly Tiny Tim." --Jessie, after she smacks Slater on the back for absolutely no reason during the Christmas play.
Grade
Clare: C-. The only thing that saved this episode from complete and utter failure was the hilarious Christmas play. I hate these warm and fuzzy Very Special Episodes, unless it’s a Very Special Blossom where someone’s doing drugs or losing their virginity to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Jessie is so, so scared....that her stepmom is an Aerobics Bimbo!!
The show opens up with beach scenery, but not that familiar aerial shot signifying Malibu Sands. This could only mean one thing—the episode where Jessie’s dad gets married and Jessie acts like a royal [bleep]!! YES!! The gang is getting off of a bus, discussing amongst themselves how cool it is that Jessie’s dad owns this resort and how great it was that they all got to spend time there for his wedding. Jessie is also pumped to be meeting her new stepmom. A blond chick in workout clothes walks by, and while the guys think she is superhot, Jessie calls her an aerobics bimbo.
The first place the guys go is the gym, to check out the hot bods. Screech is excited to test out the advice in his how to talk to girls book. Zack spots the same superhot workout chick, and immediately has to go talk to her. Now, I think that seeing a girl wearing a super-high-leg thong BACKWARDS over her leotard would warrant me making fun of her, but apparently at the Desert Springs Resort, it warrants guys drooling over and hitting on the wearer. To impress her, Zack tells her he is the captain of his school aerobics team. The aerobics bimbo then proceeds to make Zack look like a fool by challenging him to do some sort of Olympic level aerobics move, which is only lying on your back, putting your legs up in the air, and doing some sort of scissor leg motion. Zack is unable to master this move, and ends up lying on his back with his feet stuck over his head. Slater spies another hottie on a rowing machine. He claims the ‘boat’ next to her and strikes up a convo. A.C. learns this is no typical California hottie, but a European hottie named Kristina.
The gang meets up later at the restaurant to meet Jessie’s new stepmom. Jessie is overly concerned about her hair, her clothes, and her makeup. I would be concerned about the outfit, too. She is a high school girl meeting her new stepmom for the first time and is exposing a scandalous amount of cleavage. She obviously wants the stepmom to think she is a slut. But Kelly and Lisa tell her she looks fine, so maybe Jessie really IS a slut and this is just how she always dresses outside of school. When Jessie’s dad arrives, the gang takes their seats, waiting for his fiancée to arrive. When she finally arrives, the gang is shocked to see that Jessie’s stepmom is going to be….the aerobics bimbo!! Jessie is mortified that her dad is running around with this much younger bimbo (named Leslie), and eventually fakes a headache to get out of dinner. Later on, Jessie says she is feeling better, but once she finds out her fake headache did not break up the marriage, she fakes ANOTHER headache to get out of the boat ride Mr. Spano has arranged for everybody. Screech gets to the boat right before it leaves shore. He was late because he was following one of the tenets of the book—dress for the occasion. He did this by wearing white pants, a navy blazer, and a skipper’s hat. Obviously Screech understood the occasion of riding on a boat to require dressing like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.
It is while waiting for the boat that Kelly seems to be falling for Zack again. Also, Slater runs into Kristina, and he invites her on the Spano-sponsored excursion. After the ride, all of the kids couple off—Kelly and Zack, Slater and Kristina, and Screech and Lisa (by process of elimination, not by choice). Kelly is cold, and Zack gives her his sport jacket (which I am pretty sure he wore with a white dress shirt, tie, jeans, and ULTRA white high top sneakers). Screech tries to offer Lisa his coat—it IS what the book said to do. Lisa declines the offer, and Screech ends up walking right into the water. Slater and Kristina have a good time, and she feels it is the appropriate time to reveal to him that she is the Princess of some place in Liechtenstein (I could have sworn she said Liechtenstein here, but later she says she is the princess of a place called Liechtenberg.)
Sometime the next day, they are all swimming at the pool. Jessie is still mad, Kelly and Zack kiss, Screech is convinced his book says Zack and Kelly are going to be dating again, and Jessie vows to put a stop to the wedding. TO BE CONTINUED!!!
--Bri
Quote of the episode
“I hear ya, blood!”—Screech, using an expression from his how to meet girls book
Grade
Bri: B+. This was a great non-school set episode. It showed Jessie being a royal [bleep] and also showed Screech using the line (see above) that was used by both my brother and Clare’s sister for many years to come. Well, I don’t know if Margaret used it for years, but I know Bryan did. Even if it didn’t have anything else, the early nineties neon was enough to make this episode quality.
Clare: B+. Actually, Margaret was more fond of mentioning the Bavarian cream cake. I think she only used this line once, at the dinner table, and my parents were like, “What are you talking about??” and we were just cracking up. Anyway, I agree that Screech’s book was a major plus for this episode.
Palm Springs II: Revenge of the Aerobics Bimbo
Previously on SBTB: Jessie's dad is engaged to the Aerobics Bimbo, and she's not too happy about it. Slater bagged a princess. Zack and Kelly kissed, but without any studio-audience "woooo"ing since we're on location.
Kelly and Lisa are at the health club, where Kelly is filling Lisa in on all of the spine-tingling details of her kiss with Zack. Just as Lisa's asking if it could be "the big L," Zack walks up and says, "Hi, Kelly." Kelly says, "Hi, Zack." Lisa gets all excited and acts like they're going at it like rabbits right there on the stationary bikes. They give her a weird look and walk away.
Elsewhere in the gym, Slater is lifting weights when Princess Kristina comes up and asks him if he'll join her for dinner with her father. He gets all nervous about seeing the king of Lichten-whatever again. Don't worry, Slater. If all else fails, I'm sure you can just toss out a few of the cheesy lines you used to pick up Kristina.
Jessie, wearing a leftover outfit from the "Get Down and Go for It!" video, hands a note to the aerobics secretary to give to Leslie. Moments later, Leslie walks up, pleased to see that Jessie has had a change of heart and is joining her next class. Ah, how little you know, Leslie. She finds the note from Jessie, which says that Jessie's father has to cancel their dinner plans. Hmm, good one, Jessie...I'm sure one cancelled dinner will be all it will take to get Leslie to call off the wedding.
Later, Jessie and her father are walking through the hotel hand-in-hand (paging Dr. Freud!), and she asks him if they can have dinner. He says he's having dinner with Leslie, but that she can join them. Jessie declines and then "reluctantly" accepts in the same breath.
The gang gathers for dinner elsewhere in the lobby, Lisa and Kelly wearing the exact same dresses they were wearing in the murder-mystery episode. Kelly says her dress is Zack's favorite. Then how come last time she wore it, he was more interested in hitting on the French maid? Lisa gives Slater a pep talk for his royal dinner, and he leaves. Screech makes some comment to Lisa about being the last two coconuts on the tree, to which she replies, "I hate coconuts," and walks off, presumably to hunt down a mango tonic with a kiwi twist.
Inside the restaurant, Slater's dinner with the royal family of Lichten-whatever is not going well. Actually, it's not really going that bad when you consider that the first time Screech met Violet's parents, he tucked the tablecloth into his pants and sent their fine china flying all over the floor. Anyway, Slater senses that His Royal Highness is not impressed with his athletic prowess, so he makes up a bunch of stories about how his father is a "major colonel general" (which, to me, just smacks of "The Pirates of Penzance") and how his grandfather owned half of California. Ah, yes, the American captians of industry: the Rockefellers, the Carnegies and the Slaters.
On the other side of the restaurant, Jessie's Electra complex is having a blast at an intimate dinner with her father. But then Leslie shows up, wondering why Mr. Spano is at the restaurant if he cancelled dinner plans with her. What I'm wondering is why Leslie is at the restaurant in full early-90s Palm Springs dinner garb if her dinner plans were supposedly cancelled.
The next day, Leslie is wobbling around on Mr. Spano's shoulders at the pool. The whole gang is watching them from some lounge chairs, talking about how in love they are. SBTB: Where love means always having a partner for the chicken fight. Kelly expresses her feelings for Zack by dragging him into the pool for a little chicken-fighting action. Everyone else hops into the pool but Slater. Evidently he was waiting for Kristina to drop by and invite him to tennis so he could blow her off for being too rich. Once that’s out of the way, he jumps into the pool as well.
Jessie's Electra complex once again rears its ugly head as she begs her “daddy” to race with her in the most four-year-old voice I’ve ever heard from someone who is not actually four years old. Somehow Leslie gets included in the race as well. Jessie's lagging behind until she uses the race-winning tips she picked up from Craig Strand and pushes Leslie out of the way so she can edge ahead. Again, Jessie, not going to stop the wedding unless you actually drown her.
The gang is having dinner next to a dance floor. You know, every time I've seen this episode, I got the impression that this was the wedding reception. But now it occurs to me that it can't be because the wedding hasn't even happened yet. Anyway, they are at some sort of random dinner/dance where they just happen to have a really hunky waiter. You know, one of those guys that when he smiles, there’s a little sparkle on his tooth and one of those “ding” sound effects. Only there’s actually not a sparkle and a “ding,” which is surprising because that’s such a SBTB thing to do. At any rate, the hunky waiter smiles and Kelly and immediately makes her start to question her rekindled romance with Zack.
Also at the dinner/dance, Kristina confronts Slater, telling him he can’t just “bury his head in the cement.” Even though Kristina’s English has been impeccable up to now, she apparently gets screwed up on those American phrases when she’s overcome with emotion, because as soon as they make up, she tells Slater how pleased she is to be dating “a real American cheesecake.”
Before the wedding, Lisa (who appears to be the official wedding photographer, which makes sense because, for all we know, she has never picked up a camera before in her life) is taking pictures of Leslie and Jessie, who is wearing an unnecessarily poufy bridesmaid’s dress. Jessie figures this is her last chance to break up the wedding, so she calls Leslie a gold-digging bimbo, among other choice words. (Well, not too choice—this is a family show, after all.) Leslie basically tells her that a couple of faked headaches, a cancelled dinner, an attempted drowning and Jessie acting like a royal [bleep] cannot keep her away from the love of her life, Mr. Spano. So Jessie does the mature thing and runs away.
The gang gathers for the wedding in The Official Hotel Lobby for Getting Dressed Up and Gathering. It is here that Zack and Kelly make a quick, painless and totally mutual decision to just be friends. How Zack came to feel this way is beyond me, since the last time he said anything about it, he was head over heels for Kelly. Perhaps he fell for the charms of the hunky waiter as well. Or perhaps we’ve just wasted too much time on this subplot already and need to get back to the main issue at hand, which is…
Jessie Poppins, stomping across the golf course, her dyeable bridesmaid shoes in one hand and a huge carpet bag in the other. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! (My spell checker totally just allowed that word, in case you’re interested.) Anyway, Zack pulls up on a golf cart and somehow, in 10 seconds, makes Jessie see what a royal [bleep] she’s been and gets her to go back to the wedding. They tear across the golf course as fast as possible, which is at about 15 miles an hour. Still, Jessie screams like they’re on the autobahn or something.
Back at the hotel, the gang is taking the priest on a wild goose chase in search of Mr. Spano. Finally, they have no choice but to take him to the actual wedding, which seems to be being held in the lobby. No sooner does the wedding start than someone yells, “Wait! Stop the wedding!” because it is totally against the Official Sitcom Rules to have a wedding at which someone does not yell “Wait! Stop the wedding!” Jessie and Zack come running up; Jessie shoves on her Dyeables and runs up to the altar to tell Leslie that she doesn’t think she’s a gold-digging bimbo after all. And they all live happily ever after. At least we assume they do, because the wedding doesn’t actually take place before the credits roll and, in true form, Mr. Spano and Leslie the Aerobics Bimbo are never mentioned again.
--Clare
Quote of the episode
“I’ll have a Diet Lips.” –Kelly, to the hunky waiter
Grade
Clare: B-. The first half of this episode was so much better than the second half. I blame this on the sudden absence of Screech’s how to meet girls book, not to mention the total lack of neon gym wear and backwards high-cut thongs. Plus, Jessie’s royal [bleep] act really starts to grate on my nerves, possibly because of the scarily incestuous way she keeps fawning over her father.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Summer dreams, ripped at the seams, but oh! those summer niiiii-iiiiiights
Everyone is gathered on the deck of the Malibu Sands Beach Club for a special announcement from Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi. Kelly thinks it might be that they're getting a raise. Considering that they only have a couple more days at the beach club, I'm sure a raise would really help out in Kelly's efforts to support her humongous family. However, Mr. Carosi just wants to announce the end-of-the-season luau and sand sculpture contest. He also wants to let them know that they have to give 10 percent of their end-of-season tips to him. That is, until Stacey gets all schmoopy with him and he totally drops that rule. Which is just as good because it's probably illegal anyway.
Later, in the employee lounge, Stacey storms in and starts yelling at Zack about selling some woman mayonnaise sunscreen so she would get attacked by seagulls. Wouldn't she realize it was mayonnaise and not sunscreen when she started slathering it on? It doesn't matter because it didn't actually happen. Stacey just made it up so the other employees would leave the lounge and she and Zack could make out. (SBTB studio audience: "Wooooooo!") Unfortunately, Big Leon chooses this moment to storm into the lounge, where he catches Zack and Stacey making out and totally flips. OK, how could he not have known they were together?? I got the impression that their relationship was pretty serious. She even dumped her Ivy-league boyfriend Crrrrrraig STRAND! for him. So how is Big L in the dark about this? Whatever. He's not in the dark now, and he orders Zack to stay away from Stacey.
Meanwhile, at the beach, Kelly and Slater are talking about how bored they are because no one's drowning. Thank God. If I were drowning, Kelly and Slater are the last two people I would want to rescue me. Besides Zack and Jessie, that is. And Lisa and Screech. And Pam Anderson and David Hasselhoff. OK, so I guess Kelly and Slater are the first two people I would want to rescue me. Anyway, an old woman comes up to the lifeguard stand and asks Slater to flex for her. Kelly makes him do it, reminding him of the end-of-the-year tips. So if Slater is selling his body for money and was going to be forced to give 10 percent to Mr. Carosi, would that have made Mr. Carosi Slater's pimp? It's best not to think about it.
As soon as Mrs. Robinson (no, that's actually her name) leaves, a kid named Billy runs up and yells that there's a fight at the snack stand. Slater runs to break it up because obviously that's too tough of a job for whoever is employed by the snack stand. Actually, there is no fight, eleven-year-old Billy just wanted to hit on Kelly. Perhaps he should join Mrs. Robinson at the next meeting of Age-Inappropriate Lifeguard Scopers Anonymous.
Back at the beach club, Jessie shows Zack and Stacey the ingenious idea she's come up with for the sand sculpture contest: a sand castle. There's a reason she's the valedictorian, folks! Stacey then suggests they get all the members to band together and build one huge castle. An even better idea, considering this is supposed to be a contest and if they all join together they'll have no one to compete with other than time and the elements! Zack and Stacey sit down to discuss this mind-bending project, when who should walk up but Big Leon. He again goes ballistic when he sees them together, prompting Stacey to invite herself to move in to the girls' beach house so she can continue seeing Zack.
Jessie's brilliant sand castle plans come to fruition as the entire beach club (meaning the gang and about three extras) rallies to build a not-that-complicated sand castle. Zack and Stacey have claimed that they came up with the idea and have totally taken over the project. Big Leon walks up and totally disses it. I'm with you, Big L. Billy stops by to ask Kelly to his Little League banquet, but she turns him down on the grounds that he's "just a little kid." Billy doesn't do much to prove her wrong when he runs away in tears. Jessie comforts Kelly by saying he'll get over it…after years of therapy, that is. Yeah, you're one to talk, Spano.
Later, on that very same beach, Zack and Stacey are parked in Stacey's Jeep. Is it just me, or are you not supposed to drive on the beach? I guess you can when your father owns the beach club. Anyway, Zack tries to woo Stacey by slow-dancing with her to some cheesy SBTB Muzak. However, Stacey's mind is with Big Leon. Zack then realizes he's going to have to get Big L and Stace back together stat if he wants to get some action before the summer is over.
Cut to that fine dining establishment, the Malibu Sands Restaurant, where Zack is executing his latest scheme. Screech is keeping Big L occupied in the kitchen (where he's inspecting some meat and potatoes, the purpose of which is unclear since Zack seems to have cleared out all the actual dining patrons so he can work his magic). Anyway, Big L and Stacey both get up on some risers Zack has set up for a staff picture. Zack then rearranges everyone in a way that is totally not obvious so that Stacey and Big L are standing next to each other. Then, in a way that is even more not obvious, the staff vacates the picture, leaving just Stacey and Big Leon standing there. Somehow, this gets them to make up, even though the last few times they were standing within two feet of each other, all they did was fight.
Time for the sand castle contest! Oh, except it's not a contest. And the castle doesn't really appear to be made out of sand; rather, it looks like sand-covered particle board. Anyway, just as the guests are oohing and aahing over all of the features of the particle-board castle, someone screams from the ocean. Oh, no, a girl is drowing 10 feet from the shore! Actually, it's not just a girl, it's Denise Richards. Only Denise Richards would be dumb enough to drown 10 feet from the shore. OK, so she's not really drowning. She cooked up this whole drowning thing as an excuse to talk to Slater. Hey forget that Billy kid--she's the next Zack Morris! Slater agrees to finish rescuing her, even though they've just spent five minutes standing around talking in knee-deep water and everyone probably knows by now that she wasn't really drowning. Then again, they could have been too mesmerized by the particle-board castle to notice.
Everyone's partying down at the end-of-season luau. Slater introduces Denise to everyone and tells them she'll be going to Bayside next year. That's interesting, considering we never see her again. Kelly spies Billy sitting in the sand and goes over to give him the can-we-just-be-friends line. He asks if he can call her when he's 17, to which she replies, "You'd better." Right, because then she'd be 23 and that would be totally OK, except for the fact that it's illegal in most states.
Elsewhere, Big Leon and Zack make their peace with one another, as Big L gives Zack a wad of cash ("for all those breakfasts I stiffed you on"--why does he even have to pay for breakfast in his own club??) and Zack gives Big L a big ol' bear hug. Now it's time for Zack to say good-bye to Stacey (sniffle, sniffle). They promise to visit each other on holidays and write every day. As Stacey walks off, Zack looks into the distance and contemplates the lies he just told her, because he knows full well that this will be the last time Stacey Corosi will ever be mentioned on this show, save the clip show they do to kick off the next season because the writers don't know how to handle the fact that Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen have left SBTB.
The next day, Zack is sitting on the beach, still in his denim shirt, blue jeans, yellow tie and glaringly white Air Jordans. His friends come and scrape his sorry ass off the sand, and they walk down the beach, Slater with his arm around Zack. Ah, how quickly one forgets Denise Richards.
--Clare
Quote of the episode
"Whoa, it's a chick! Kelly, I've got this one." --Slater, on the drowning victim
Grade
Clare: B-. With the schmoopy scenes between Zack and Stacey, Stacey and Mr. Carosi, and Mr. Carosi and Zack, this episode is just a little, well, schmoopy for me. But the pre-Wild Things (not to mention pre-eyebrow-maintenance) Denise Richards guest spot redeems the schmoop factor somewhat.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Craig Strand: No Longer Stacey’s Bread and Margarine
This morning’s show opened with that familiar aerial shot of the California coast, signifying that this was a Malibu Sands episode. Zack and Stacey are sneaking into the kitchen of the Malibu Sands dining room. She took Zack to the kitchen because she claimed to know where they kept the really good food. This good food turned out to be buttered bread. Because we all know that rich people love some bread with butter on it. Well, Zack tries to tell Stacey he loves her, but only can manage to say he loves the way she butters bread. The butter turns out to be margarine. Okay, so maybe rich people prefer bread with margarine on it. They kiss, and the SBTB studio audience commences with their obligatory “woo"ing.
The next day, Mr. Carosi drives up to the staff meeting in an ATV to promote the upcoming charity ATV race. Slater is totally psyched about the idea of an ATV race. Jessie automatically accuses Slater of being sexist. Mr. Karosi tells the gang they have to get sponsors, and then proceeds to wreck the ATV. He blames the fact that the ATV was in reverse on a terrorist. Zack wasn’t wearing a shirt, which I feel was unnecessary, and probably against some Malibu Sands rule for a waiter to be running around topless. It is also at this meeting that Zack tells Slater and Screech (much to Screech’s horror) that he has gotten a case of the big ‘L’.
Kelly earns sponsorship for the race by saving some random kid from playing too close to the water. Screech tries the same tactic, but delivers a kid to the wrong parents. The kid kicks Screech in the shin, and then the other shin. Lisa is making fun of Screech’s Mexican Dork Dance, and refuses to sponsor Screech in the race. But, the Turtle Family would be proud to sponsor Zack. Sometime during all of this rescuing and sponsorship, we get our first glimpse of Craig Strand!!! Stacey’s hunky boyfriend from Yale has come to visit! Later, Mr. Carosi introduces Craig Strand to the gang minus Zack as Stacey’s ‘steady’, a sophomore at Yale. Only a sophomore?? This guy looks to be at LEAST 25 years old. And who says ‘steady’?? But whatever. Ol’ Leon also gives Lisa, Jessie, and Kelly permission to drool over Mr. Strand. Craig Strand tells Mr. Carosi that he wants to give Stacey his fraternity pin, and Mr. Carosi assures him he will plan a wonderful ceremony, but they must keep it a secret.
Jessie and Slater are arguing at the front desk about the ATV racing. Jessie is convinced that she would be just as good as Slater at racing those ATM’s, uh, AT&T’s or whatever they are called. Apparently Jessie is a really crappy driver, and that is why Slater thinks she will suck at the race. In another scene, Craig Strand is taking Stacey to the fine dining establishment that is the Malibu Sands restaurant, presumably to eat some bread with margarine. Stacey resists, but Craig Strand bosses her into it. Screech sees them come in, and tries to prevent Zack from seeing them. This does not work, Zack sees Stacey and Craig Strand, and he gets angry and leaves. Because Screech has shown his competence at waiting tables by serving bread he dropped on the floor, I am sure it will be no problem for Screech to take over all of the table-waiting duties.
Zack decides since Stacey has a boyfriend, there is no reason whatsoever for him to stay at Malibu Sands and work, so he is packing to go home. Screech offers his advice, which is to date her in his mind. Lisa (only mildly disgusted that Screech is mind-dating her) convinces Zack to stay, telling him to show Stacey what she is missing. So of course, he stays. Later that night, Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie wake to their doorbell ringing. Jessie has a bat, which is to ward off any burglars. Kelly and Lisa tell her she can just nag him to death, but nobody points out the fact that a burglar would most likely not be ringing the doorbell to gain entry. The late-night visitor turns out to be Zack, and he is up just thinking about Stacey. The girls explain to him in five minutes that Stacey probably likes him more, and this is enough to appease Zack and he leaves.
Now we find everyone at the pinning ceremony, except no one knows what is going on except Mr. Carosi and Craig Strand. Kelly is put in charge of the gong, which she bangs excessively. Craig presents Stacey with his fraternity pin, telling her she will be his forever. Because we all know that the fraternity pin ceremony is legally binding and there is no going back on it. Craig and Stacey forever!! Zack gets majorly PO’d at this, and Stacey doesn’t really look all too excited either.
At the ATV race, the only racers are Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, and Craig Strand. The race starts off, and everything is going okay. Until Jessie loses control of her ATV and drives straight into the water. I can see why she might have failed her driving test—the concept of steering is pretty essential to automobile operation, and she obviously hasn’t mastered that skill as of yet. Slater, Kelly, Zack, and Craig are racing around a ridiculously small course. Zack is in the lead until right at the end of the last lap, when Craig Strand pushes him off of the course. Craig doesn’t care that he cheated on a charity race, but everyone else does. But so what? It wasn’t against the rules, according to Craig Strand. He pulls Stacey off to the side so they can go and celebrate. He also tells her later on that he asked if she could have the next day off so they could have some private time together. Stacey gets mad at him for doing this, because she really loves her job of bossing everyone around and does not want to miss a day of it for any reason.
Eventually, Zack and Stacey end up on the beach, Zack wearing an early nineties patterned sweater from Sears and Stacey wearing a purple sports bra and a super high waisted skirt. Zack finally tells her he loves her, and—gasp—Stacey says she loves him too!! At first Zack did not hear her reply over his telling her to go be happy with Craig Strand, but he finally gets the message. She apparently did not like Craig bossing her around, because she is the one that is supposed to do the bossing in her romantic relationships. Craig Strand was on his way back to the East Coast along with his fraternity pin. So despite their differences—Zack being a gnarly California dude and Stacey being a stuck up East Coast snob--they kiss (woooo!!!) and gaze out into the ocean, and live happily ever after.
--Bri
Quote of the Episode
“I need the money…my cat needs braces!!” --Screech, trying to convince Zack to let him wait his tables
Grade
Bri: B. I love the way Mr. Carosi announces Craig Strand’s name in the ATV race. But you would think that someone going to Yale would have a better name. Something like Haydon Southland. Or Brock McVey. The Malibu Sands episodes were all pretty quality, though. Plus, Jessie was there. Along with Leon Carosi. And they all got to wear those totally cool white and green uniforms.
Clare: B+. The + is because in 7th grade G/T, John Cundiff had to recite the same Robert Burns poem that Crrrrraig STRAND! so melodramatically recites to Stacey at the pinning ceremony. Mrs. Bowen chose him to recite it because he was the "ladies' man" of our G/T class. To my knowledge, John Cundiff does not even have a fraternity pin and would never try to force it on some unsuspecting girl in an elaborate ceremony at her father's beach club while Kelly Kapowski excessively bangs on a gong.
