Thursday, May 01, 2003

 

Peace on earth, and goodwill to all the good-looking homeless people

Previously on SBTB: Zack met a homeless dude and a girl named Laura, and they turn out to be related. Surprise! Slater sucks at gift-wrapping. For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, Screech bought a doll that peed all over him.

Still at the hospital...Zack, Screech and Slater give Laura's dad some cookies that they stole from the kids downstairs. After Zack realizes that cookies are not an actual meal, he invites them to dinner at his house.

At Chez Morris, She of the Bad Perm (aka Zack's mom) offers Laura's dad a fourth piece of pie as she tells them patronizingly that Zack's dad would love meeting them because he enjoys meeting "different" people. Speaking of which, where is Zack's dad, and why is he missing Christmas? Anyway, this segues into the story of why Laura and her dad are homeless, which is that he got fired and they missed one rent payment. See, this is why you should have a) savings, b) a line of credit, c) an insurance policy you can borrow against or d) friends you can hit up for money. Apparently, Laura's dad, although he was an adult with a full-time job, didn't know about any of these things.

The next day, Kelly and Laura are at Moody's Store for Men, talking instead of working. Laura wants Zack, a sports coat for her father and to get time off to be in Zack's mom's production of A Christmas Carol. It looks like she's going to have to settle for just Zack, though, because Mr. Moody is not inclined to give her time off or the salary advance she'll need to buy the sports coat. That is, until her good friends Zack and Kelly step in! Zack convinces Mr. Moody to let Laura be in the Christmas play as long as they endlessly pimp his store in it, and Kelly puts the sports coat behind the counter so she can buy it for Laura later. Oh, and she also lets it slip to Moody that Laura's homeless, which turns out to be not such a great thing.

Time for the Christmas play, which is the one chance the gang has all year to showcase how bad their fake Cockney accents are! And this year's winner for Worst Cockney Accent in a Mall Christmas Play is...Zack Morris! It was a really close race, though.

Back at Moody's Store for Men, Mr. Moody notices that the sports coat is missing and automatically assumes Laura stole it. Which seems like a reasonable accusation, because she totally could have stolen it using her telepathic powers while she was starring in the Christmas play. Laura doesn't even try to argue this line of defense and instead just flees the scene. Good move, Laura.

Zack and his gigantic cell phone organize a campaign to track down Laura. He finally finds her at the Christmas tree lot, where Laura and her dad are living in their car. Zack is shocked that they're living in this small car and suggests that they take up residence in his cell phone instead, where they would have much more room. OK, not really, but it seems like a feasible solution to me.

The whole gang gathers at Chez Morris for Christmas Eve because apparently they don't have families that they should be spending Christmas Eve with. Forget homelessness--orphans are obviously Bayside's biggest problem! Kelly and Mr. Moody (who don't appear to have families either) stop by to give Laura's dad the sport coat. Then Zack tells them that he's talked to the Missing Mr. Morris, and Laura and her dad can stay at their house until they get back on their feet. Which must happen almost immediately because--you guessed it!--Laura and her dad are never mentioned again. I wonder if there's some sort of Bermuda triangle where SBTB guest stars end up. Anyway, for the big finale, everyone gathers around the piano to sing "Silent Night." Awww...doesn't it just warm your heart? Or turn your stomach?

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Oh, sorry...I forgot you were the sickly Tiny Tim." --Jessie, after she smacks Slater on the back for absolutely no reason during the Christmas play.

Grade
Clare: C-. The only thing that saved this episode from complete and utter failure was the hilarious Christmas play. I hate these warm and fuzzy Very Special Episodes, unless it’s a Very Special Blossom where someone’s doing drugs or losing their virginity to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

8:05 AM