Friday, April 25, 2003

 

I still haven't found what I'm looking for (at the mall)

The gang makes Screech camp out at the mall by himself to snag them a place in the line for U2 tickets. Of course, because they're the only people in the history of the world who have ever had this idea, Screech and his Pink Panther slippers are the first ones in line. After checking to make sure Screech wasn't eaten by wild security dogs, the gang heads off for some shopping, leaving him to do all their grunt work.

Soon after, the ticket window opens. Screech orders five seats, as close to the front as possible. Apparently this ticket seller has not been at this position for very long because he asks, "Orchestra or mezzanine?" Hello, doofus, "orchestra" is almost always closer to the front than "mezzanine." Screech is not well-versed in theater-seating lingo, either, so he asks the guy behind him to hold his place while he goes to ask Zack this challenging question.

Across the mall, Screech runs into Slater and Zack...and the guy who was supposed to be holding his place in line, who is now strolling around the mall, admiring his U2 tickets. Apparently the guy didn't save Screech's place because he speaks Spanish and didn't understand what Screech was saying. Because, you know, I'm sure all the English-speaking people in line would have been happy just to stand there while Screech searched the mall for his friends. Zack and Slater order Screech to go get back in line.

Elsewhere in the mall, Kelly sits on a bench and is quickly joined by Zack and Slater, who explain the flaw in their plan of trusting Screech to buy their U2 tickets, which would be that they trusted Screech to buy their U2 tickets. Lisa walks up with a shopping bag, and they all start dogging her about buying so many pairs of shoes, like God forbid she actually shop in a mall. Anyway, as soon as she sits down, she finds a bag containing a stack of incredibly fake money. However, the gang seems to think this money is real and starts arguing about who should get it. Of course, Kelly thinks they should give it back because she has to be the moral compass of the show since Jessie is mysteriously missing. Zack then comes up with a foolproof plan to use the money to buy lots of U2 tickets and then resell them at exorbitant prices. Foolproof, except for the fact that scalping is illegal, which doesn't seem to be of any concern to the show's producers. I guess on the Saved by the Bell Offical Scale of Things That Are Bad, scalping is several degrees of wickedness below caffeine-pill addiction.

To execute their plan, Zack and Slater must first get Screech to the front of the line. They bribe a boy nerd with ice cream and are able to seduce some girl nerds simply by winking and pointing at them. Lisa and Kelly walk by and drop some shopping bags, and three guys rush out of line to pick them up. Wow, these are some die-hard U2 fans! The real U2 fan in the crowd is an old black lady who never misses a U2 concert. She's not distracted by Zack and Slater's charms, but she can be bought off for a measly $200. Guess she wasn't that die-hard after all. Finally Screech reaches the front of the line again, just as the ticket seller puts up the "sold out" sign. Oh, the humanity!

As the gang is sitting in the food court, distraught, a voice over the P.A. announces that U2 has scheduled another concert. Apparently, Bono, the Edge, Adam C. and ol' Lar want to give Zack another chance to put his illegal moneymaking schemes into action. Zack decides that it would be a good idea for them all to stay at the mall overnight, and he whips out his trademark gigantic cell phone so they can all call their parents and tell them that they're spending the night at each others' houses. Then he decides that since they've got some time to kill, they should go ahead and go shopping with the fake money that's not theirs. However, as they're divvying up the cash, they notice two mob-looking guys staring at them. So Screech acts like a monkey to divert them while the rest of the gang runs away.

They meet up at the movie theater, where we find out what everyone bought with their fake stolen money that was supposed to be earmarked for illegal scalping, including a fake hand (Slater) and a superhero costume (Screech). Well, at least if they're breaking the law, they're purchasing some quality merchandise. As Zack and Slater are quite homosexually acting out a scene from the featured chick flick, the two mob guys walk in. The gang decides to make a smooth exit by all immediately getting up and running out of the theater.

They have to camp out in a sporting-goods store because apparently, in the past 24 hours, camping out in front of the ticket window has been forbidden. While Zack distracts the sporting-goods clerk with some thought-provoking questions about footballs, everyone else sneaks into a tent, where they all spend the night together, even though there are several other tents in the store. They must really love each other.

The next morning, they're the first ones at the ticket window, where they order $3,000 worth of U2 tickets. So that's like what, three tickets? When they go to get the money (hidden in Lisa's shoebox), it's gone! They decide the best way to find it would be to ransack the shoe store, which works out great because the people who work there don't seem to mind that the gang is throwing shoes all around the store. Just as Zack spies the one box they haven't torn apart, the old black lady returns again and makes a grab for it. Fortunately, Lisa is able to distract her by saying "Look, Kevin Costner! Hurry, while he still has a career!" OK, so I added that last part. The gang gets ahold of the money, but oh no, the mob thugs are back! Slater throws some shoe boxes at the thugs, and the gang is able to escape.

To hide from the thugs, they disguise themselves as totally believable mannequins in the window of a bridal store. They are so good at being mannequins that they fool not only the mall shoppers walking by, but also the owners of the store, who come into the window and carry Screech away.

Tired of pretending to be mannequins, the gang decides it's time to go to the police, which is of course always the very last thing you should do when you're being chased by possibly murderous thugs. But it turns out that the policeman and the thugs are working together--for Candid Camera! Or Candid Video, because I guess Candid Camera was on a rival network. The gang's prize for being such good sports? Front-row tickets to the U2 concert! Of course, Zack wants to scalp them. Why? Because scalping's cool! Try it at home, kids!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"I'll never get another letter from Ed McMahon again!" --Kelly, when she realizes she might be murdered

Grade
Clare: B+. All in all, a pretty good episode, but an actual appearance by U2 would have raised it to "A" level. Like that time on Blossom when Blossom and Six were waiting in line for tickets to C + C Music Factory and C + C Music Factory actually came up and sang for them and they did their little dance where they put their hands up and jump around in a circle. All I'm saying is, no one is above making a guest appearance on Saved by the Bell. Not even Bono.

Bri: B. A classic episode, but again, where's Jessie? Her absence is redeemed by Zack's crazy hijinks and the appearance of his behemoth cell phone.

8:35 AM

Thursday, April 24, 2003

 

Let's Stay Together Baby and be Friends Forever

This morning’s show opened with none other than Casey Kasem, meaning this was the episode that chronicled the rise and demise of the greatest band in the history of Saturday Morning high school shows--Zack Attack. Or is it THE Zack Attack? Who knows. Zack is getting ready to go onstage, but is kept from it by some adoring fans. As he starts his long walk down a narrow hallway to the stage, he is again assaulted by more fans. As he passes the dressing rooms of his bandmates, they join him. Lisa, Kelly, Slater, and then Screech--dressed as the Pope (to throw off all of his stalkers, of course). After Slater threatens Screech’s life, the pope duds are gone, and the Zack Attack takes the stage singing their smash hit “Friends Forever”.

Casey tells us, it wasn’t always like this--these kids had to struggle before they made it….well, they had to be practicing just was fate was running by. One day, during a practice in Zack’s garage, Brian Fate, major record producer, was jogging by and loved their sound. He was looking for a new act, now that the Beach Buddies “weren’t buddies anymore.” The band wasn’t sure, so they asked if he was truly serious. Brian Fate countered with, “Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?” Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, and Screech’s faces light up as if the answer to that question was yes. Apparently, in Bayside, they watch a different Simpsons than the rest of us because the real answer to that question is no, but nonetheless Zack Attack starts playing gigs and getting number one singles in Billbox magazine.

The band starts doing press conferences, and Zack meets Mindy, their evil publicist. The group goes on to win a Grammy (that name must not have been licensed…) presented by Michael Jackson and Madonna and the ceremony is held on the set of America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget. At the Grammy after party (where they are the only famous people) at some random house, Slater and Screech try to hit on girls. Everything is going well for Slater, until Screech lures away all of the females by telling them of A.C.’s strange blue foot fungus. Kelly is asked to go sailing with some guy, who can’t believe she accepted his invite, and ends up walking away, much to her dismay. Lisa, for some reason, is not partying with everyone else--she is slaving away, designing costumes for their tour. When she shows these totally cool new designs to Zack and Mindy, she is shot down. Zack liked them, but Mindy told her they were big time now and Bob Mackie was designing their costumes now. Zack ended up siding with Mindy, and this was the beginning of the end for Zack Attack. She tells Zack that he doesn’t need them--the rest of the band is just back up singers. We see newspapers with headlines uncovering the dissent in the group, that the ‘friends forever’ were no longer friends.

Zack hands out a new song he wrote with Mindy at a studio recording session. Kelly, Slater, and Screech have also written a song, which they get to perform part of, but it is really crappy (Hit the beach, teach/we can learn while we burn), so Brian Fate forces them to stop bickering and record the Zack/Mindy song. The band amazingly plays it right and perfectly sings all of the weird harmonies the very first time, and Mindy and Brian think it is groovin’.

Before a concert, Zack angrily confronts the gang, asking who had been spreading the rumors. It turns out Screech told all, lured to spill his guts by free Disney World tickets. This was the straw that broke Zack Attack’s back, and the group split up. All went their separate ways. Slater became a race car driver. Screech went to India to consult with the high geek about finding true happiness. All Screech has to do in order to be truly happy is marry a cheerleader and live on the beach, which seems impossible at first but becomes totally fathomable after Screech is awarded the magic retainer. Next, we see Zack, who has become a HUGE star by dressing in ridiculously shiny clothes and Kid-N-Playing his hair. Mindy says he is phenomenal--the male Madonna--but Zack’s conscience is starting to get to him. It isn’t about his singing--it is about the lasers, the lights, and the smoke, according to Mindy (who was only his publicist, not his manager. Where was Brian Fate in all of this?). Zack gets a phone call telling him Slater is in the hospital, and this is the only motivation he needs to ditch Mindy and his life of fame.

Slater is laid up in a hospital bed with a broken leg, broken arm, and bandaged head. Kelly, dressed as a nun, is there by his side, telling him he looked great. But hey, who wouldn’t look great after missing a stop sign going 275 miles an hour? Lisa comes in, and we see that she has found a new career as a Gladiator. Not an American Gladiator, but a U.S. Gladiator. She is surprised that Kelly became a nun, but we later find out Kelly is only an actress on Santa Barbara. Screech comes in with his cheerleader wife, Linda. Lisa threatens to throw her out the ‘winda’ if she doesn’t stop acting like a cheerleader. Then Zack makes his entrance. After repeating the word friends over and over again, they magically become friends, and the band reunites, embarking on the reunion tour that is being documented by none other than Casey Kasem.

Isn’t it strange that the Bayside gang was able to do all of this in such a short time that they never aged? Didn’t they have any other songs besides “Friends Forever” and “Did We Ever Have a Chance”? Why did those voices not even fit the people whose mouths they were coming out? Where was Jessie? Well, some of these questions were answered when we see that this was all Zack’s dream--he had fallen asleep waiting for band rehearsal. So the real rehearsal finally begins, and Zack Attack works on their signature song for an upcoming bar mitzvah.

--Bri

Quote of the episode
"I know what it is like to be a fan--I once snuck into Paula Abdul’s dressing room." --Zack, to his adoring fans

Grade
Bri: B. I liked this episode because I was always a big fan of the original songs. Even the Zack and Mindy song is not that bad. And all of the costumes are great. I wish the days of full sequined get-ups would come back.

Clare: A-. I have to give this episode props for the multitude of late-80s/early-90s references: Paula Abdul, the Michael Jackson and Madonna impersonators (was it just me, or did Michael look more like Boy George), Bob Mackie, and American Gladiators. Plus, "Did We Ever Have a Chance" just sticks in your head. And didn't this episode inspire that other great Saturday-morning TV show, California Dreams?

9:32 AM

 

Only users lose drugs

Zack starts out the episode by welcoming us to the mid-semester blues. You know, it is a testament to my level of obsession with this show that I knew he was going to say that before he even said it. Of course, Bri pointed out that we both used to own this Saved by the Bell behind-the-scenes book, in which they spent a week with the cast during the filming of this episode. According to her, there was a good deal of copy devoted to this opening line in said book. Which doesn’t really make any sense because this show has nothing whatsoever to do with the mid-semester blues.

Anyway, Lisa is all in a tizzy because Johnny Dakota, a Totally Made-Up Famous Movie Star, is strolling through the halls of their school. Apparently Johnny and his director Dean (whose vocabulary seems to be limited to the monosyllabic "Yo") were trolling the freeway looking for a place to shoot an anti-drug spot for NBC, and Bayside happened to be the first school that they saw. Mr. Belding is all impressed with the fact that they're from NBC, which seems kind of strange when you consider that later in the episode, Belding reveals that he is childhood friends with none other than the late great Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC.

The Bayside gang then tries everything in their power to get Johnny to pick their school as the scene for his PSA, including feeding him yummy cafeteria food and spontaneously breaking into a rap about how drugs aren't cool. But it's not until he meets Kelly, looking stunning in an orange unitard, that he agrees to stay at Bayside.

Zack naturally tries to capitalize on Johnny's sudden residence at the school by setting up a stand in the hallway to sell doorknobs once touched by Johnny. When Belding gets wind of the plan, however, he orders Zack to cease and desist, on the grounds that it's wrong to expoit their guest. Belding doesn't seem to care that Zack appears to have dismantled every single door at Bayside.

Their business shut down, Slater, Screech and Zack decide to head for the bathroom, where they find a joint, which they call a "roach." I never heard anyone call it a "roach" before this episode, and I haven't since. Of course, I'm not big into the whole drug scene, but still. Why can't they call it a joint like everyone else? I guess it's so Screech can make jokes about his pet roach, Herbert. Anyway, Johnny then comes in the bathroom and finds them holding the joint. OK, I'm about to give away the ending here, but I trust you've all seen this episode several hundred times. We all know the joint is Johnny's. So why was it there before he even came in the bathroom? Was he stowing it on the bathroom floor for safekeeping and just coming back for it??

The kids then decide it's probably a good idea to actually do some work on their PSA, so Johnny sits down and engages the gang in what can only be described as "rapping." A random extra dressed like Joan Jett tells everyone a sob story about her heroin-addicted brother. Slater and Zack bring up some famous people who died after overdosing on other hard drugs. Then Jessie decides to talk about her caffeine-pill addiction, which is just really funny because a) it reminds me of all the great moments from that episode and b) it seems totally out of place, considering that the rest of them are talking about actual drugs.

Johnny continues to hit on Kelly in an incredibly smarmy way until she finally gives in to going out with him. They go to the Max and share a romantic basket of fries. That is, until Lisa and Jessie crash their date. Lisa wants to interview Johnny for her gossip column with such hard-hitting questions as "Do you kiss on the first date?" and "Do you sleep in pajamas?" Funny how Lisa never had a gossip column until this episode, isn't it? Anyway, Zack, Screech and Slater also end up crashing the date, and Johnny invites them all to a Big Hollywood Party.

Why do all the Big Hollywood Parties on this show look like they take place in generic, low-rent suburban apartment complexes? Never mind. The gang is having a fab time at the BHP. Jessie got to dance with Luke Diamond! Lisa got to dance with Storm Sutherland! I just remembered that this episode came out the first time Keifer Sutherland was cool, and that makes me feel really old! Slater keeps trying to hit on girls, but with no luck. I would guess it's because of the way he bobs his head like a chicken when he says something he thinks is smooth. Screech, meanwhile, lands a babe by claiming he's Johnny's stunt double. However, when he tries to demonstrate a stunt from his latest movie, he throws his back out, and Zack and Slater have to carry him out of the party.

As soon as they leave, Kelly and Johnny promptly start making out, and the audience responds with an appropriate level of "woooooooo"ing. Then someone brings out a joint, and the audience responds with an appropriate level of "ohhhhhhhh"ing. Johnny passes the joint to Kelly, who just sits there looking at it like it might be a Trick Exploding Joint. Then everyone starts making fun of her for not taking a hit, which is just so unrealistic. I mean, in my experience, people who smoke pot are generally pretty mellow and couldn't care less whether you're smoking pot or not. Well, except for the time Krithika chased me around the dorm, trying to get me to smoke up with her. But I think that might have been one of the few times she wasn't high.

After Zack finds out that their anti-drug spokesman is (gasp!) using marijuana, he tells the rest of the gang, and they all bitch at Johnny until he gets fed up and leaves. After they tell Mr. Belding what's going on, he calls in a favor to his good buddy Brandon Tartikoff, who comes to Bayside to shoot the anti-drug PSA ("There's no hope for dope!") with the gang. When they're done, the late great BT muses on the possibility of doing a show about a bunch of high-school kids and their principal...but then says that probably no one would watch it. Wow, it's like meta-Saved by the Bell! Hilarious!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"I had a problem drugs that were legal." --Jessie

Grade
Clare: B+. The entire episode seemed like a PSA, and it would have gotten a lower grade, if not for Jessie's reference to her caffeine-pill addiction and the appearance by the late great Brandon Tartikoff, the man responsible for getting SBTB on the air in the first place.

Bri : B+. I agree that if not for a few saving graces (mainly the almost real but actually fake movie star names) this episode would have gotten a lower grade.

8:21 AM

 

Murder, mayhem & a mango tonic with a kiwi twist

Woo hoo! It's the murder mystery episode! What would an early-90s sitcom be without one?

The gang gathers at a swanky mansion for a murder-mystery weekend. All the usual suspects are there. The butler. The maid. The piano player. The host in the smoking jacket with the ability to summon a roll of thunder whenever he says something dramatic. Upon arrival, Lisa orders a mango tonic with a kiwi twist, which prompts Kelly to say, "Are you actually going to drink that?!" You know, mangoes happen to be one of my favorite fruits, so this doesn't sound that bad to me. It's not like she ordered a seaweed tonic with a shot of horseradish. At any rate, Lisa's not going to drink it, she just ordered it because it matched her neon-colored early-90s outfit.

Jessie gets all cozy with the piano player, but her bliss is short-lived because zee French maid with zee really bad fake accent dumps her drink on Jessie's lap. Jessie threatens to beat on the French maid's ass, but fortunately Mr. Jameson saves the day just in time by offering the piano player his drink. However, once the piano player takes a sip, he drops dead right on the piano. Now, wouldn't you immediately suspect Mr. Jameson as the killer at this point? I would. But we've still got 20 minutes to go, so no one says anything. Actually, Zack says, "Finally! Someone's dead!" which is just really stupid because they've been there for all of five minutes.

At dinner, Screech has changed into a full Sherlock Holmes getup, and the group discusses who the possible suspect could be. After they all piece the clues together, Zack gets up and tries to claim the prize money all for himself by declaring that he's solved the mystery. Wonder if he was planning on sharing the 500 bucks with his buddies. It doesn't matter, because just as Zack declares that the butler did it, said butler staggers in with a knife in his back.

Things are getting serious now, so zee French maid brings in an inspector from "the Yard." I assume that's supposed to be as in "Scotland," not as in "back." Which is funny, because I didn't realize they had the Scotland Yard in southern California. The inspector is just about to tell us whodunit when the lights go out and he gets several arrows in the back. OK, now I'm starting to suspect that David Copperfield is the killer because I can't figure out how in the hell the inspector supposedly got these arrows in his back when he's standing so close to the wall that there's not even room for anyone to stand behind him, much less draw back an arrow and fire it into his back. But let's not analyze it too much.

So during the two seconds that lights are out, not only is the inspector killed, but the random old woman extra's diamond necklace is stolen right off her neck, apparently also by David Copperfield. Jameson starts freaking out and saying this is not in the script. Then he almost gets hit by a wayward battle axe. See people, this is why you should not leave your battle axes propped up against the wall! Lisa saves him and brushes it off as no big deal until her friends go on and on about how she was almost killed. Then suddenly, she starts freaking out. Jameson abruptly calls off the game and tells everyone to start packing. However, he promises Lisa and Zack free vouchers if they come by his office.

Upstairs, Zack is packing way more brighly colored clothes than were absolutely necessary for one weekend into his suitcase. Lisa thinks she sees someone at their second-floor window and freaks out, flinging all of Zack's clothes on the floor. Her friends, totally unsympathetic, start bitching at her for delaying them. She tells them to go on down to the car, and she'll help Zack finish packing. If Lisa's so scared to be in the house, shouldn't she be the one hightailing it to the car? Once the others leave, Zack remembers that he has to get the free vouchers from Jameson, so Lisa tells him she'll stay and pack while he goes down to Jameson's office. Because I know the first thing I do when I think I see a murderer is tell all my friends to go away so I can be alone with him.

Downstairs, Jameson gets the vouchers out of the wall safe hidden behind a large oil painting (naturally), and then the lights go out and David Copperfield abducts Jameson. Seriously. Because there is no freaking way he could have gotten all the way from behind his desk into the secret passage across the room in such a short amount of time and without Zack noticing. At any rate, because everyone knows by this time that when the lights go out, it means someone's getting killed, they all rush into the office and find Zack holding not vouchers, but the prize money. Gasp!

The French maid calls "the real police," one of whom looks suspiciously like Mr. Jameson in drag. And also a little like Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur Jameson and her cohort try to sweat a confession out of Zack by interrogating him and his friends (who totally sell him up the river), but he remembers just in time that Lisa can vouch for him. They go upstairs, but Lisa is missing. Naturally, the rest of the gang assumes that Zack did away with her, especially when BAJ's cohort finds Lisa's watch in Zack's pocket and the old woman's necklace in his suitcase. Strangely, the necklace is now pearl, although I swear to God she said it was diamond when it got stolen. Must be that wily David Copperfield again!

For some reason, BAJ and her cohort decide to leave Zack in his room with Slater and Screech, because it's always a good idea to leave a murder and robbery suspect unguarded. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they weren't real detectives! Anyway, the boys find the secret passage leading to Jameson's office, where they spy a half-drunk mango tonic with a kiwi twist. Hmm, I wonder whose that could be? It can't be Lisa's--she already said that she doesn't drink them, but instead just carries them around to match her outfit.

Zack calls everyone into the parlor, where he announces that he's figured out the mystery. It was Jameson! He killed the butler and the piano player and the inspector! Then kidnapped Lisa and dressed up as Bea Arthur to throw us off his trail! Oh, and he also had a little help from the butler. Not to mention David Copperfield.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Bea Arthur Jameson: "Zack, the game is over."
Zack: "I think we have time for one more game."
Screech: "Great! Can we play Monopoly?"

Grade
Clare: A. This episode is such a classic that I referenced it in my review of Gosford Park for Vox. Plus, the plethora of twists and turns inherent in any murder-mystery episode ensures that there will be gaping holes in the plot that are just to humorous to ignore.

Bri: A. This is probably one of the best murder mystery episodes from the days when EVERY show had their own murder mystery. And ever since I saw this episode the very first time ages ago, I have always wanted to order a mango tonic with a kiwi twist. And learn to bake a Bavarian cream cake. But that's another episode.

8:11 AM

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

 

Chesski Victorynovich

The show opens with the whole school (all 20 of them) at a chess match, cheering a beret-wearing Screech on to victory. Along with warranting cheerleaders, this chess match is also being broadcast live on KKTY by Jessie and Zack. The incessant cheering, rustling of pom poms, and radio broadcasting do not phase Screech, who is easily victorious. His win qualifies him to move on to the championship round, where he will inevitably face Valley.

Later, at the Max, Slater and Zack decide to capitalize on Bayside’s love for all things chess, exploiting their dear friend Screech by selling t-shirts. Violet buys twelve of the Screech shirts, blaming her exorbitant spending ($120) on the fact that she is a fool in love when in reality it is just Tori Spelling wasting more of her dad’s money. Enter Vinnie and Guy Guy, the Valley thugs that arrived via garbage truck. They decide to bet on the chess match with Zack and Slater to the tune of $100. This wager seems to be no problem until they feed Screech a huge dose of confidence and he tells Vinnie and Guy Guy to ‘double—nay, TRIPLE’ the bet, even though he will be facing Peter Russian-last-name (possibly Breshnik, but who really cares?), the nephew of the Spasky Bishop Block originator.

This sends Zack and Slater into exploitation overdrive, and the newest money making ploy is Polaroids with Screech. At the same time Slater and Zack are crashing chess practice, in walks Alyson (she turns out to be from Valley, and that is how I think her name would be spelled), a not-that-pretty girl with a freakishly small waist. Zack tries to make a move on her, but she doesn’t take the bait from Blonde Tom Cruise. She has her sights set on Screech, who she wants to interview for Chessboy Magazine.

Alyson and Screech meet at the Max for the interview and Alyson is fawning all over Screech, much to Zack’s dismay. Violet also is rather huffy about the fact this girl is interested in Screech, but returns to her jovial snorting self once she realizes this girl is a reporter. Once Screech lets Alyson know his beret is his source of luck, she makes her intentions to steal it painfully obvious by coaxing Screech into letting her wear the hat. She almost escapes with it, but Zack saves the day by returning it to Screech, who then tells everyone he is going to hide it in his locker with the false bottom.

Violet got angry about Alyson again and stormed off to the girls locker room, the place all Bayside girls go to cry about their boyfriends. When Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa convince her that Screech is too dumb to realize Alyson actually is trying to flirt with him, she is elated and goes to apologize to Screech. Unfortunately, Screech screws it up by trying his swim trunks on in the hallway. This is the point where Screech discovers, with the help of Zack and Slater, that his beret is missing, and there is no way he can win the chess match against Peter Russian. We know that Alyson has stolen the beret, proven by the scene where she is on the pay phone with Vinnie and Guy Guy after pulling a used piece of gum out of her nonexistent cleavage. Apparently, in Valley, gum is a rare commodity, as evidenced by Alyson’s gum conservation attempt.

When the ploy to replace Screech’s beret failed Zack and Slater moved to plan B: dress up like the Russian. This works out perfectly, because Zack and the Russian could be long lost twins, and Zack always has a spare white guy afro wig and fake superthick Russian eyebrows. They convince Peter Russian to go take a pregame picture and then beat, gag, and strip him. Zack goes to play the chess match as the Russian, mysteriously beating Screech at the beginning, then surrendering. Screech almost had the championship…then the Russian hops out on stage in his underwear. The truth comes out, and Zack and Slater admit to gambling. They call off the bet, at the request of Belding (Vinnie and Guy Guy seem to have no problem following the orders of the principal from another school), and the chess match goes on. Screech ends up winning on his own accord, after Violet comes in and reignites the nerd love affair. Alyson leaves Vinnie and Guy Guy because they have no money, and with the exception of Zack and Slater having to go visit Mr. B.’s office later on to deal with the gambling, assault, robbery, and kidnapping, everything is well once again in the land of Bayside.

--Bri

Quote of the episode
Slater: Kick that Commie’s butt!!
Jessie: Slater, in this age of glasnost, you do not say ‘Kick the Commie’s butt!!’
Slater: Okay, kick that Commie’s hiney!!!

Grade
Bri: B-. Although it had its moments, this show is too other-character-oriented to be great. I mean, Vinnie, Guy Guy, Alyson, and Violet??? I do, though, feel this role is the only one Tori Spelling has ever been able to play convincingly...

Clare: B-. I agree. Alyson's double-agent act kept things exciting, but were we really supposed to believe that such a "hot" girl was legitimately hitting on Screech?

1:03 PM

 

Is that an oil derrick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

The gang is studying something in science class that requires them to go to a pond, capture some hapless wild creatures and then trap them in an aquarium in their science class. Why they couldn't just study these animals in their natural habitat is beyond me, since apparently the pond is located quite close to Bayside High. Why they are even doing such a sixth-grade science-class exercise in 11th grade is even more beyond me. But whatever.

Each member of the gang gets their very own animal. None of the random extras get their own animals, of course. Lisa gets a turtle. How clever. Screech and Jessie get frogs. Slater gets a salamander, but strangely, this does not trigger any painful memories of the sad time when his chameleon, Artie, passed away. Kelly gets a crawfish because apparently we're going for alliteration now. Zack gets a duck, who we later learn is named Becky and happens to be intimately acquainted with Mr. Belding. Hmmm. Wonder if Mrs. Belding knows about this.

The gang is hanging out with Becky at the Max (Whoa! Health-code violation!) when Slater comes in covered in oil because they hit a pipeline when drilling for a new goal post at the football field. The gang starts to imagine what it would be like if they struck oil and were suddenly rich. Lisa would get the mall to come to her, which means when she rings a bell, a couple of random girls wearing ugly early-90s dresses will come in and Slater will flirt with them. Kelly would be "the richest waitress in the world" because she is apparently too stupid to realize that once you become rich, you no longer have to be a waitress. Jessie would actually be effective in her attempts to save the world. For some inexplicable reason, Screech would suddenly become Arabian.

Screech jolts them out of their fantasy by announcing that they really did strike oil. As usual, Jessie is the only one who cares about what impact this has on the environment. In what could conceivably be viewed as a predictor for Elizabeth Berkley's future career moves, she decides to chain herself to an oil derrick in protest. She convinces Kelly and a semi-random nerd (Franklin) to join her. Franklin reveals that he just wanted to be chained to the student body president and head cheerleader. I'm not sure what Kelly's motivations were. Perhaps Jessie threatened to force-feed her caffiene pills. At any rate, Belding and the other kids refuse to heed their protest.

Of course, everything changes when there is an oil spill and the animals at the pond are threatened! Zack valiantly tries to save Becky by wiping her off with his standard-issue Bayside sweatshirt, but this is surprisingly ineffective. Enraged, Zack and the others confront Mr. Belding, who seems to have forgotten all about his torrid affair with Becky and tells them there's little he can do.

Later, there is an assembly with the school board so that a man wearing a string tie who looks a little like Chris Noth (It's not him; I checked) can tell them all about their pretty new school. Zack interrupts him to give an impassioned presentation about why they don't want the new school. He complains that the new school will take away the oak trees where they used to have class when it was hot, and it is at this point I have to wonder just what the heck he is talking about. Oak trees? I mean, they never even go outside, due to the low-budget nature of SBTB set design! So are they really going to miss these "oak trees" that much? Zack then pulls several miniature oil derricks out of his pocket and begins setting them up on the model as the audience gasps. I assume this is because, like me, they are amazed that Zack just happens to be carrying around miniature oil derricks in his pocket. Seriously, where are these kids getting these fake oil derricks in various shapes and sizes? Is there some sort of store? Anyway, Zack squirts some oil on Chris Noth (I can only assume he also got his oil can at the Oil Derrick Store) and wraps up his speech to the sound of thunderous applause, which is kind of strange considering there are like 12 people in the room. Good acoustics, I guess. Belding steps in to give a tear-inducing speech about how they already had a better Bayside and just didn't know it, and then tells Chris Noth to take a hike.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Why go to the hounds when the foxes are right here? Tally-HO!" --Slater

Grade
Clare: C+. The whole Beverly-Hillbillies-meets-Exxon-Valdez thing just doesn't work for me. But the fantasy sequence did give us a line that has been much-quoted by members of the SBTBP/AS (see above).

Bri: C. This is one of my least favorite episodes. I just am not a sucker for impassioned Zack Morris speeches about real life issues. Well, I am not unless it is an impassioned speech on the dangers of No Doz addiction!!

12:41 PM