In Bayside, Christmas is coming early this year. About eight months early. Maybe they operate off of an alternate calendar. Who knows? Anyway, the whole gang goes to Zack’s house after school to talk about their Christmas vacation and eat cookies (gingerbread chicks) that Zack and his mom baked. We learn that Zack is just happy to be out of school for two whole weeks and that is the only present he really needs. Well, he needs a new sweater, too—those brightly colored, geometrically patterned sweaters need a break. Kelly wants to buy presents for her sisters, so naturally she gets a job in the men’s store in the mall. Slater is going to be wrapping gifts at the mall. Jessie will be working with the mall Santa, taking pictures. This job is a freaking goldmine, paying $8 an hour!! Seeing that this was like, ten years ago, and that $8 an hour is a respectable wage today, working at the Santa booth in the Bayside Mall must have been better paying job than most people with college degrees have today!! Lisa is going to be a candy striper at the hospital, because her family rich and she doesn’t need to earn money.
A few days later, we see Slater at the mall, wrapping gifts. He absent-mindedly forgets to tape the bottom of a package, and a customer’s wine glasses crash to the floor! She is irate, but Zack mends things by grabbing Slater’s wallet and giving the woman a wad of cash to replace the broken glasses. Slater is bummed because he is only making $4 an hour and with his incompetence at wrapping, it will take him way too long to turn a profit. He is probably also bummed because Jessie got the last job taking Santa photos. We see Jessie, working hard in her overly sexy Santa minidress. She is being annoyed by bratty kids, and is telling them that Santa isn’t going to bring them any presents and so on. Call me crazy, but I think that is probably grounds to be fired. Jessie better watch it or she will be thrown off the gravy train. Sometime during all of this working action, Zack bumps into a random blond girl, making her drop her lunch of an apple. She gets smart with him, and then totally is sincerely touched when he essentially tells her she has a hot bod and doesn’t need to be on the apple-for-lunch diet. She runs off, though, late for work, and Zack doesn’t get to try out any more of his smooth lines on her.
While at the mall, Screech winds up with some sort of peeing doll with a bladder the size of Montana. This doll proceeds to empty the contents of this gargantuan bladder all over Screech, and he and Zack go to the bathroom to clean up. While in the bathroom, they run into a homeless man, shaving. He gives Screech a tip on how to get his shirt dry—use the hand dryer. Not really a big secret, but Zack and Screech act like it is such a cunning innovation. Zack leaves some money for the man and they go on their way.
Zack meets up with the blond chick again, whose name is Laura and works with Kelly in the men’s store. They go and get their picture taken with Santa, where Laura proceeds to fall in love with Zack. Zack continues to talk about the homeless man, saying he might be a wino or a druggie or what have you. But Zack is still concerned about this guy. Zack and Laura also share a plate of potato chips, and Laura freaking inhales them like there is no tomorrow.
The homeless guy collapses in the mall about the same time that the gang was heading over to the hospital for Lisa’s Christmas Party. At the hospital, Lisa is chillin’ with some sick kids. She helps them decorate the tree, and then tells them Santa is coming. She also kissed a small child, which is probably not the best idea seeing as these children are too SICK to go home for Christmas! When Santa arrives, we see that the Bayside gang has gotten some costumes and dressed up like Santa, Mrs. Claus, Elves, and Rudolph. I don’t know why Kelly was Mrs. Claus, when Jessie’s work outfit would have made her a better choice. Maybe Jessie just wanted to be closer to a tights-wearing Slater. Anywho, Zack comes in, cheers up the kids, makes it snow, and then the gang decides to check on the homeless guy that collapsed in the mall. When they make it up to the room, Laura is in there already. As it turns out, the homeless guy is (gasp!) HER FATHER!!! To be continued…
Quote of the episode “Gift wrapping—isn’t that an MC Hammer Christmas song?”—Screech
Grade Bri: C-. This episode is entirely too sappy. The funny parts are few and far between, and every other line is something entirely too Christmasy-feel-goody, like helping sick kids, homeless people, blah blah blah. I think Christmastime is the only time this episode would be tolerable. Any other time of the year, not so much.