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Thursday, September 18, 2003

Lisa Turtle: The thing malpractice suits are made of

Zack's at the Max trying to do a math take-home test very unsuccessfully (He's using his fingers. Hey, Zack! We have these things called calculators. Or even an abacus would do) when Slater, Kelly and Jessie come in looking for him. Jessie’s obviously trying to be sexy with her shirt knotted in the front to expose a bit of tummy. In her attempt, she’s really annoying me. When Slater tells him the pep rally starts in a few minutes, Zack tells everyone that he’s not going, even though he’s the team captain, because he needs to finish his take home test. Uh, when did Zack become captain of any team? Lisa wanders in wearing a candy striper uniform as opposed to the cheerleading outfit she's supposed to don. She, also, cannot go to the pep rally because he parents are making her volunteer at the hospital. Gee, these two are dependable. It would be helpful if you told your teammates that you weren’t going to make it.

Zack got his test done in time for the game, however, because he and his teammates are in the locker room waiting to receive a pep talk from their coach, who can barely reach the door handle. What happened to Mr. Rizzo or whatever his name was who was there to witness Slater’s breakdown over loosing Artie? But I digress. Belding, not satisfied with the three-word pep talk, starts babbling about basketball metaphors for life. This apparently pumped Zack into such a frenzy that he felt the need to mold himself to Mr. Belding, so when Belding whipped around to mention one more thing, there was Zack…in the way. Unfortunately for Belding, Zack doesn’t stop or jump back a little like a normal person. No. He falls to the floor, clutching is knee in agony.

Screech wheels Zack through the hospital frantically as Mr. Belding follows. They come upon Lisa who gets a whole sentence out before seeing that Zack’s in a wheelchair. Can no one see wheelchairs on this show?!? Lisa totally rebukes the idea of wheeling Zack anywhere, but offers to go find her mother. Everyone sits around, fretting as if he’s getting a heart transplant. Hey! John Q this is not, people. Dr. Turtle reveals that Zack will live (Thank goodness. I was really worried there for a second), but he hurt his knee pretty badly. Lisa starts whining about all the work she has to do around the hospital and her mom reminds her, “We’re not here just to have fun.” I hope she means “here” as in “on this earth” and not “here” as in “at the hospital.” ‘Cause I know no one who pops by the ER for a rave. Anywho, Dr. Turtle gives Lisa a whole list of things to do after she checks Zack in. I’m assuming that she did none of those things since she jetted as soon as her mother left, leaving Zack in the care of Screech and Mr. Belding. You know, if she’s leaving patients in the middle of the hall, maybe she’s not the best person for the job. But that’s just me.

Some competent person has gotten Zack to his room and into some nice comfy flannel PJs. Kelly and Jessie have formed his harem as they give him massages and hold his sippy cup for him. Suddenly a groan is emitted from the bed on the other side of the curtain. Kelly goes to check and it’s Lisa, exhausted from all of her patient neglect. But I’m confused. Was she there the whole time, just eavesdropping? And how did she get into the room without Zack knowing she was there? I think she was waiting to rape him and she was interrupted by the visitors. It’s always the quiet ones. Some stripper looking nurse comes in, gives Zack a half-assed massage and tells everyone that visiting hours are over. Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack that he’s gonna need surgery, but Zack freak’s out like his leg’s getting amputated. Well Zack, a little coordination in the locker room would have saved all this pain.

The next day at the Max, Mr. Belding is slaving over all of the schoolwork that Zack conned him into doing. Why wouldn’t he just tell the teachers to give him an A? Or change the grades or something? But this is why I’m not a principal. Everyone rushes in and Lisa tells everyone that Zack needs surgery. Because of this momentous occasion, they all chip in and buy him an electronic black book, which they present to him at the hospital. I think they should have brought him the “Coping With Mortality” book that they’ve all apparently read because everyone’s acting like he’s on his deathbed. Especially Kelly. What a basketcase. After they fill Zack’s head with thoughts of death he falls asleep and, surprise, dreams that’s he’s died. I know this is a dream because of the white border around the screen, as opposed to the pink, fantasy border. Incompetent Lisa must have mixed a hallucinogen with his medication because he dreams that the entire school actually cares enough to hold a mandatory memorial service for him. The best part: Kelly and Lisa come out in their cheer uniforms – black, of course – and do a special death cheer for him. Wow. This frightens Zack so much that he wakes up and decides to hobble out of the hospital but Lisa’s mom catches him. Lisa, having nothing better to do in the middle of the night, comes down to chide Zack’s actions. Yet another idiotic “We were both scared before” childhood story ensues: this time Zack talks with Lisa about the time they were rushed to the hospital after they fell ice-skating. Now was this when they lived in Indiana…? ‘Cause I didn’t know ice-skating was all the rage in southern Cali. Zack finally calms down when his medicine kicks in and Lisa says a prayer for him while he’s knocked out.

Dr. Turtle has Zack wheeled into the hall where she explains the procedure. You know, I think I’d want by surgeon scrubbing up. Lisa walks off the elevator, apparently upgraded from candy striper to surgeon, donned in a replica of her mother’s outfit. She and Zack share a tender moment; he extends his hand for hers as she says that she wants to be with him. Be with him where? In the op room? C’mon. The cord needs to be cut some time.

With the success of the surgery, Zack’s back in his room, wearing his PJs under the cast. Wow. Me thinks the cast is a phony. Probably the same one Slater wore when Kelly “beat him up.” Slater brings in a b-ball hoop from the b-ball team because they want him to keep practicing. You know, they’re doing too much. It’s not like he’s recovering from chemo. Zack, determined to get another stripper nurse to come in, chucks the ball into the hall, but he gets Lisa instead. When Zack asks her to sign his cast, she brags that she helped make it. Oh! So that's why it's not a functioning cast. Zack thanks her for everything and Lisa proceeds to kick everyone out. I’m thinking she wants to finish her botched rape attempt from earlier. The world will never know.


Quote of the episode:
“Z-A-C-K/Since he’s gone the sky turned gray/He hurt his knee, went under the knife/Who’d a-thought he’d loose his life/Yay, rah” - Kelly & Lisa’s death cheer

Kia: B. I thought this episode was pretty decent. It was a little cheesy with the whole "Zack's gonna die" mentality, but at least there was no Very Important Lesson to learn. And Lisa's started the process of developing a personality.

1:07 PM

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