Tuesday, May 13, 2008

 

Hate the playa and the game

The guys pull up next to some early-90s hotties in the Malibu Sands parking lot in Slater's convertible (which is now mysteriously black) as a Zack voiceover waxes poetic about gorgeous curves...but it soon becomes obvious he's not talking about the babes, but rather the cherry red Brandon Walsh-mobile sitting behind them in the parking lot. As Screech and Slater try unsuccessfully to flirt with the girls, Zack caresses the 'Stang and plucks the "For Sale" sign off of it. Um, I think you're supposed to write the number down, not just take the sign with you. Zack is probably one of those people who rips pages out of public phone books, too.

Meanwhile, at the front desk, Lisa tries to commandeer the phone for personal business, but Jessie swiftly cuts her off. Hey, maybe she actually learned how to be a conscientious employee as a result of her brush with being fired! Zack, on the other hand, clearly did not, as we see him greet Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi by calling him "Mr. Greasy," which is but one in a series of rude nicknames Zack will employ for seemingly no reason in this episode. After serving Big L his breakfast (swiped from a Mark Twain lookalike at the next table), Zack races off to the server's stand, where he pulls out his giant cell phone and calls the number on the "For Sale" sign...

Which, of course, rings directly to Carosi's giant cell phone. (Which is so giant, I might add, that it doesn't even resemble a cell phone. It looks like he just brought the cordless from his house to the Malibu Sands dining room.) Anyway, after some friendly banter between Zack and Big L about Zack's "jerk of a boss," which somehow neither of them are able to distinguish is coming from the same room even though they're like 20 feet away from each other, Big L lets his name slip, causing Zack to shriek, "Carosi!" and immediately hang up the phone. Big L apparently isn't deaf enough to have blocked out that, and so Zack's attempts to negotiate the price of the car down to $1,500 are quickly shut down: Big L won't budge a penny from his ludicrously exact asking price of $2,006.52.

That is, until the owner of rival club North Beach saunters in to make their annual $500 wager in the big inter-club volleyball match. It seems Malibu Sands is on a 10-year losing streak, like why does Carosi keep betting on these games if his team sucks so bad? Hearing that the exact price difference of the car (well, give or take $6.52) is on the line, Zack immediately pulls Big L aside and assures him that Malibu Sands can win the game this year, based on the evidence that Kelly is the school's volleyball team captain (solid), Slater is all-city in four sports (less solid, since I'm assuming volleyball isn't one of them, although I don't know what the other two that aren't wrestling and football might be), and Jessie and Zack are "really good" (totally weak). Carosi is equally unconvinced, until Zack assures him that they're undefeated.

But how can they be undefeated if they've never even played a game, you ask? Oh, because that means they've never lost one, as Zack explains to the equally confused gang. This twisted logic doesn't really matter, though, as Zack's already got Carosi and his apparent gambling addiction over a barrel, and demands afternoons off for practice, plus a lowered price on the car, both of which Carosi gives into. Awesome--now Zack can add blackmailing his boss to his resume, too! Man, this summer job is really expanding his skill set.

Later in the day, the gang is having one of their afternoon practice sessions when Stacey walks up to check out the famous "undefeated" team. She's pretty skeptical about their volleyball prowess, and even more so when Screech assures her they're going to "win by 10 touchdowns." They are soon joined by Tad and Todd, two surfer dudes from North Beach, the latter of whom has apparently been carrying a torch for Stacey for quite some time. After some truly painful trash talk (seriously, this Tad guy is easily the worst extra ever to appear on SBTB, if not in the entire history of television), the gang challenges T&T to an impromptu scrimmage. As they hit the court, Coach Kelly pep-talks, "Let's remember our strategy: Win!" Hey, great strategy! Why don't other teams ever think of that? Anyway, the scrimmage is cut short when Screech gets beaned so hard in the head with a volleyball that it gives him some sort of concussion that causes him to think Zack is Kelly and that they're playing football (although given that he thought the latter before, I'm not sure how bad the head injury really is).

Later, Slater and Zack are sitting on the lifeguard stand, moaning about how they're going to lose, when up walks a 6'10" young lad named Gary. Man, what are the odds?! Apparently Gary has a thing for Kelly, and so Zack wastes no time in pimping out his ex-girlfriend to nab himself a secret weapon for the volleyball game. The next day, he informs Big L that he's hired Gary--needless to say, Carosi is indignant about Zack's assumption of power, until he gets a load of ol' Gar in a comically small Malibu Sands uniform. Big L is so excited by Gary's height that he immediately decides to call the dude from North Beach and double--nay, triple!--the bet. What's that they say about pride going before a fall, Big L? Nah, never mind, it's probably not important.

In the employee lounge, Kelly and Gary are being all glowy about their upcoming date. I'm glad Kelly seems to enjoy being on the receiving end of Zack's continuous pimping efforts; God knows it won't be the last time. Big L and Stacey soon join the gang, and there's such an abundance of fate-tempting pride talk that fate can no longer hold out and sends in Screech to drop a huge water bottle on Gary's foot.

Later, the gang is all gathered in the reception area, acting like it's a doctor's waiting room because the show was too low-budget to actually spring for a doctor's waiting room set. Gary comes hobbling in on Kelly's shoulder with a cast on his foot (what, the show couldn't even afford some prop crutches? Come on!), which the gang tries desperately to hide from Big L. While they do manage to distract him with a pretty convincing game of "mind volleyball," Screech soon shatters the illusion by letting the truth about Gary's foot slip. Zack is forced to admit that the team isn't quite as great as their lofty reputation, so Carosi informs them that if they don't win the game, they'll all be fired. You know, given that Big L is consistently threatening termination over the most trivial, lawsuit-inviting matters instead of the approximately 52 legitimate offenses the gang serves up in each episode, I'm starting to think that he's just as bad an employer as they are employees.

Over at the girls' beach house, it seems that living with Jessie "Oscar Madison" Spano is getting on Lisa's last nerve. One by one, she picks up all the clothes that Jessie has left strewn all over the living room...and tosses them out the door. Go, Lisa! Can you shove Jessie out while you're at it? Zack and Slater were apparently standing down-wind of the clothing purge, and walk in the door with a mouthful of blouse, bearing pizzas. They're there to celebrate their imminent failure with a little cheese and pepperoni, but before they can dig in, Screech arrives with a few ringers for the volleyball team. These are: Ava, a five-year-old who's the best athlete in her class at Happy Valley Preschool; Ida, a spritely 80something who once played for the Olympic volleyball team; and Big Pete, a nerd who goes to their school whom they don't seem to recognize. Disappointed with the choices, Zack reluctantly picks big Pete as Jessie moans loudly that they're doomed. Uh, Jessie, your new teammate is standing right there. Also, they totally should have gone with Ida. I don't care how long ago it was, she was a freaking Olympian. Besides, the old girl still looks pretty damn spry.

The next day, the gang is in the employee lounge, combing the classifieds for new jobs (or, in the case of Slater, claiming to look for new jobs while actually reading the sports page). Just as Screech is reminiscing about his job the previous summer as a taster at Happy Kitty Cat Food (why are all the fake schools and businesses so cheerful this episode?), Zack walks in with a telegram that's ostensibly from the dudes at North Beach, calling the Malibu Sands crew "losers" and claiming they're going to "bury [them]" at the game tomorrow. Eh, seems pretty mild as far as trash-talking telegrams go (Tad was almost doing a better job in person), but Zack reads it with such an incendiary tone that it motivates Kelly to grab her Official Volleyball Coaching Clipboard and Yellow Pencil and hustle the gang back out to practice. I don't need to tell you that Zack sent the telegram, right? (I was beginning to wonder if mail doesn't actually exist in the Bayside/Malibu Sands universe, and therefore the only way to communicate is via telegram or giant cell phone, but since most of the telegrams on this show are fake and originate with Zack, maybe it's just that Zack somehow got his hands on a bunch of blank telegrams. The world will never know.)

Anyway, we're suddenly at the match, where Big L gives the team a rousing pep talk: "Remember, it's not how you play the game; it's whether you'll be working here next week or not!" I guess Pete doesn't really care about the job he's had for all of two days, because just as the team is about to take the court, he begs out, saying all the practice has given him blisters. I told you they should've gone with Ida! An Olympian would never be felled by measly blisters! Anyway, Stacey happens to show up at just that moment, attired in early-90s neon volleyball-wear, to say that she'll take Big Pete's place on the team. Gee, Stace, maybe you could have volunteered your skills at some point during all the Gary/Ava/Ida/Big Pete madness, you think? Whatever.

The game itself is your basic Juicy Fruit commercial montage (intercut with shots of Carosi clutching his hat in desperation and Lisa manning the scoreboard while also maybe getting a little too friendly with Gary) until we hit a 13-13 tie, at which point Stacey proves her usefulness to the team by agreeing to go on a date with Todd, gobsmacking him so much that Zack is able to serve the ball right into his shoulder. Match point! Cue the slow-motion sequence! Cue the dramatic music! Zack rears back for the serve, which Tad returns with a shot that goes up through the hole in the ozone layer, does a few loops around the international space station, then plummets back through the stratosphere (or so the dramatic music and dramatic shots of Zack and Kelly following the ball's progress would have us believe), at which point Zack spikes it back and wins the game! And the car! And the girl! (OK, not the last one, but he and Stacey do have a hug that lasts conspicuously a little too long.) Anyone else really want a piece of gum right now?

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Don't you know fat people are supposed to be jolly?" Screech, to Big L

Grade
Clare: C. It's not that this episode was badly done; it's just that 90210's volleyball-tournament episode was soooo much better. I mean, if Zack's going to ape Brandon Walsh's car choice, the least SBTB could do is attempt to live up to the glory that is "Sex, Lies & Volleyball." Plus, the gang's dismissal of Ida was totally ageist.

8:43 AM

Friday, April 27, 2007

 

Idiots, Incorporated

Zack walks into a classroom and informs us that for economics class, they were supposed to come up with an idea for a business. What kind of high school has an economics class? Anyway, apparently the gang failed to come up with an idea for their business, and now they're merely awaiting their eminent failure. Wow, Jessie seems surprisingly calm. Maybe she knows Zack is going to pull an idea out of his ass in the 11th hour. Which is exactly what he does, but first we get to see the ideas the other teams have come up with. After the surfer dudes present their foldable cardboard surfboard, Slater points out the flaws inherent in their prototype. But Mr. Tuttle tells them that if they believe in it, that's all that counts. Um, shouldn't your project actually being able to work count for something, too? The nerds are next with a pocket protector protector, designed to keep your pocket protector from getting messy with the ink it's protecting your pockets from. Yeah, but what's going to protect the pocket protector protector? I suspect they haven't entirely thought their idea through, either.

Unlike Zack, who has been thinking about his idea for all of 12 seconds before he presents on behalf of the gang, cutting Jessie off just as she's about to fess up to their failure. He grabs Kelly's arm, festooned with a friendship bracelet given to her earlier by Lisa, and proclaims that they'll be selling the bracelets. The rest of the classroom gasps in awe, I guess because it's the only marginally viable idea to emerge from this excercise. But seriously, everyone's acting like they've never seen a friendship bracelet before, even though those things were multiplying like rabbits in the early '90s. I alone must've made at least a hundred between the years of 1990 and 1993.

Based on the room's unusually excited reaction, Zack is already plotting the millions he's going to make off the friendship bracelets. I say "he" because apparently Zack has no intention to share the profits with his fellow business partners, instead casting them in a variety of demeaning roles in his life. (Well, except for Screech, who has re-donned his Geraldo Screech plastic wig to play Robin Screech, host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.) In Zack's made-up world, Slater is his factory foreman, Jessie is his secretary, Lisa's his sweatshop laborer, Kelly is his trophy wife, and Belding's his chauffeur.

Back in the real world, Zack continues to treat his friends like second-class citizens, refusing to pay the Fashion Club for their labor (have we learned nothing from Kathie Lee Gifford, people?) and unceremoniously ousting Jessie from her position as president of the business, saying he doesn't want her to screw it up. Too bad Zack couldn't use some of his rampant jackassery to veto the super lame name Slater comes up with for their business: Friendship Forever. They couldn't at least slap an "Inc." on there to make it halfway legitimate? Anyway, Slater, Jessie and Kelly recognize a power-hungry asshole boss when they see one, so they break off to form their own company. Considering that this is a school project, and that Mr. Tuttle gave each of the teams $100 in seed money, can they really make such an autonomous decision?

Apparently so--the next day in class, Mr. Tuttle seems fine with the splintering of Friendship Forever and allows Kelly, Jessie and Slater to introduce their product via a commercial. Said product turns out to be Buddy Bands: Even Lamer Than Friendship Bracelets! OK, so that's not the slogan they've gone with, but theirs ("Hey, they work!") isn't a whole lot better. What is pretty freaking awesome, however, is their commercial, which features Slater standing alone in a warehouse-like space, lamenting that he doesn't have any friends and can't get girls to go out with him. But once he slips a Buddy Band over his head, Kelly and Jessie suddenly emerge in sequined bras and dance all over him. Upon seeing the commercial, Zack knows he's doomed and pleads to Mr. Tuttle that the product is too similar to their friendship bracelets. Jessie informs him that his product is a "stupid bracelet" while theirs is a "clever headband." Oh, I only wish Jessie would tell us how, exactly, a dumb-ass piece of fabric wrapped around your head can be classified as "clever." But instead, Mr. Tuttle just points out that competition is essential to a free-market economy and sends them on their way.

Zack, Lisa and Screech are having an emergency business meeting at the Max to try to revive the friendship-bracelet market. Via one of his dumb magic tricks, Max suggests that they offer their customers some sort of premium. "What are we going to offer?" Screech jokes. "A free friend with every purchase?" But Lisa and Zack are getting the dollar signs behind their eyes, and the next thing you know, Screech has a sign that says "Friend" strapped around his neck and is being lent out to anyone who buys a friendship bracelet, including an amazon named Peggy, who apparently purchased an entire armful of bracelets just so she could dance around the Max with Screech for hours on end.

Back at Zack's house, an exhausted Screech can do little more than flop into Zack's beanbag chair and pant, so Zack informs Lisa that she'll be taking over the role of "Friend" the next day. Apparently, though, Lisa's finally had enough of being pimped out by Zack, and she and Screech defect to Buddy Bands, where they're pleased to learn that Jessie intends to pay her laborers a fair wage and treat her employees with respect. That is, until she sees that they've put Friendship Forever out of business and immediately assumes Zack's power-hungry ways, ordering Lisa to get her 300, nay 500! Buddy Bands immediately. Kelly points out the riskiness of investing their entire profit margin, but Jessie Trump is off and running and doesn't want to hear it.

Clearly, Jessie is too blinded by greed to remember that it's Zack she's dealing with here. He sets his retaliation plan in motion by visiting Belding in the locker room, where he's pumping weights. It just now occurs to me as strange that people (well, Slater and occasionally Belding) are always lifting weights in the locker room. Don't they have a weight room for that? Anyway, Zack gives Belding a Buddy Band, spreading on the bullshit pretty thick. Apparently Belding is new to the ways of Zack, too, and he gets all emotional, bumbling on about how they're no longer student and principal, detentioner and detentionee; they're Richie and Zack! More like pawn and...uh, chessmaster? No, wait, that's Screech. Anyway, when word hits the halls (facilitated by Zack, of course) that Belding's sporting a Buddy Band, everyone immediately demands their money back...just as Slater walks up with 500 more bands. The irony does not appear to be lost on Kelly and Jessie.

Later at the Max, the gang, minus Zack, is sulking in their usual booth. When Zack walks in, he gives them a brief glance before choosing a table across the room. Luckily for the estranged gang, Max is here to fix everything with another one of his dumb magic tricks. He produces five friendship bracelets out of thin air, claiming they're from Zack, and suddenly all is right with the world again. Oh, except the gang is totally going to fail their econ project tomorrow because they vindictively drove each other out of business. However, Zack thinks there's still time for them to come up with a new idea, even though thinking of ideas for econ projects has historically not been this group's strong suit.

The next day in class, after we learn that the nerds bought out the surfers' cardboard surfboards and turned them into window visors, Zack introduces his team's brand-new product: Love Cuffs, Even Lamer Than Friendship Bracelets and Buddy Bands Combined! Hey, they didn't come up with a slogan, so they're going to have to live with that one. Love Cuffs, for those who have never been to an adult entertainment emporium, are basically handcuffs made out of fabric. Kinky! Yet the gang seems to be marketing them as a way to hold hands without any of that silly hand-holding business. Lame! Zack explains that they sold enough Love Cuffs to break even (uh...when?) and gave the rest of their inventory to the nerds, who are now using the Buddy Bands to hold their books together. Man, how many dumb-ass ideas can these nerds save in one episode?! Mr. Tuttle isn't too happy to hear about the inventory donation, but Zack claims they'd rather be friends than run a successful business. Because, as anyone who's ever watched The Apprentice knows, it's not possible to be both. Anyway, despite the fact that they failed to complete the one and only requirement of the assignment, Mr. Tuttle gives them all A's anyway, along with a motivational speech about how it's better to be a nice person than good at business, which for some reason the class accompanies by humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." Man, that's dumb. And yet it still doesn't come anywhere near the threshold of stupidity reached by the Love Cuffs.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"President Bush called; he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head." --Jessie, as Zack's dream-sequence secretary

Grade
Clare: C+. I loved friendship bracelets as much as the next person, but Buddy Bands? Love Cuffs? I can't support that kind of nonsense. This episode gets a "plus" only on the merit of the awesome Buddy Bands commercial, which rivals the "Get Down and Go For It" video in its production values.

8:10 AM

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

 

Girls Gone Mild

We open at the Max, where Screech is perusing the used-car ads for Zack. He finds a Ferrari for a cool $185K, but even after his weekly $10 allowance, Zack will still be in debt to his dad for $11. Kelly comes up with the genius suggestion of asking his dad to raise his allowance, like I'm so sure that a bump up from $10 will be enough to allow Zack to afford a car. (Much more plausible is Screech's suggestion that Zack get himself 20,000 more dads.) Then again, this is the universe in which Slater once bought a car despite having no discernible source of income, so I guess anything's possible.

Before Slater can share his magical car-buying secrets with Zack, however, Jessie flies into the Max, on a tear because Mr. Belding is expecting her, as head of the yearbook committee, to come up with a kick-ass theme for this year's yearbook. Side note: This whole "oh dear, whatever will the yearbook theme be?" is a common plot point on high-school shows, and I've never understood where it comes from. If our yearbook had a theme, it was "These are pictures of people who go to this school." And everyone bought one, because that's what you did. Of course, I went to a tiny school where everyone knew everyone else, so maybe it's different at larger schools--but Bayside, having approximately 20 students, is even smaller than my high school, so I feel it should be the same case.

But it's apparently not, as the focus of the yearbook committee meeting is how to move more yearbooks. So far, the only idea the committee has come up with is Black Gravelly-Voiced Nerd's idea to make each person's picture a hologram. Jessie dismisses this as too expensive. Not to mention impossible to execute. Zack saves the day with his suggestion to do a video yearbook, based on the fact that no one reads any more. But what is there to read in a yearbook, other than people's names? Ah, whatever. Video yearbook it is!

Apparently to film your segment of the video yearbook, you are required to dress in a costume representative of your one-dimensional high-school personality. Slater arrives in his football uniform and totally bombs out. Then Kelly shows up in her cheerleader outfit and, after wowing us with her laundry list of extra-curricular activities, spends the rest of her video message time flirting with Zack. Before she leaves, she mentions that his parents will have to chauffeur them to the movies this weekend. This appears to be the last straw for Zack, although he and Kelly have been dating for what--a year? This can't be the first time their parents have taken them to a movie. But anyway, he sits down to work out how he can turn an $11 debt into enough money for a car, leaving Screech to film Lisa's segment. Lisa is up in arms because the background clashes with her outfit. Considering that her outfit is a gold lame skirt with a Bedazzled tank top, and the background is several squares of pastel-colored sky, there's a pretty good chance nothing will match either of them. Lisa tells the camera that she's the founder of the Fashion Team and the Shopping Squad. Not only did she just make both of those clubs up, but any member of the Fashion Team who wore that outfit would be immediately disbanded. Also, Lisa's hobbies are "dating, guys, and dating guys." Nice to know she's well-rounded.

After Lisa leaves, Screech opines that every guy at Bayside will want to date her after seeing her video, and the hey-this-is-how-I-can-pimp-my-friends-this-week lightbulb goes off over Zack's head. They'll turn the yearbook into a video dating tape! Cut to Zack and Screech asking the girls of Bayside a variety of yearbook-inappropriate questions. Possibly Slutty Airhead says in a breathy voice that she wants a man who will spend all his money on her. Hey, she really knows what guys like to hear! Anti-Establishment Rocker Girl (possibly the same one whose brother was addicted to heroin) says her idea of the perfect date is Jon Bon Jovi lighting her hair on fire. Jon Bon Jovi? Really? That's your example of a bad-ass rocker? He's been married to the same woman for like 20 years. That's not very rock 'n' roll.

Sometime in the near future, Screech and Zack are at Valley, selling the tape. They're standing under a banner that reads, "Girls! Girls! Girls!" Classy. I suppose Zack can add "amateur pornographer" to his resume now. Say, do you think it's possible that Joe Francis got the idea for "Girls Gone Wild" from this episode of Saved by the Bell? Because that would be mildly awesome, even though I think Joe Francis is quite possibly the most vile human being on the planet. Anyway, Zack and Screech are raking in mad cash at Valley, and they still have several more schools to hit, including St. Murray's Reform School.

Before we continue, let's pause for a moment to examine the flaws inherent in Zack's plan. One: Aren't the girls going to wonder why all these random guys have their phone number? I mean, wouldn't at least one of them ask, and then be able to trace the tape back to Zack? And two, what girl is going to go out with some strange guy she's never met or even seen before? Or does that really matter to Zack once he's gotten the money from the tape sales?

Apparently, the answers are: no; no; plenty of them, as it seems Bayside girls are kinda slutty; and no. In fact, Zack's practically making an appointment to test drive a Corvette (wow, how much are they charging for these tapes?) until he finds out that Screech put the spoken-for Kelly and Jessie on the tapes. (In all fairness to Screech, his only instruction from Zack was to include "the pretty girls," and Kelly and Jessie are considered pretty in some circles. Well, Kelly is.) Anyway, why this is a big deal, I'm not sure, since it's not like Kelly and Jessie are going to go out with any of these guys, but as we well know, trusting his girlfriend is not Zack's strong suit. He drags Screech back to the yearbook room by his ear and demands to see the tape of Kelly.

Before we can find out how exactly that will make things better, the gang rushes into the room, demanding a sneak preview of the yearbook. Somehow, in taking the tape out of the VCR, Zack knocks both the dating tape and the yearbook tape (neither of which had been labeled; good one, Ace) onto the floor. With barely a cursory glance at the tapes, and without even attempting to stall the gang until he can figure out which tape is which, Zack hands one off to Jessie and escorts Screech out of the room. In the hallway, they run into Belding, also anxious to see the yearbook, so Zack directs him to the room where he knows the gang is possibly viewing the dating tape. Zack! These are rookie mistakes! I'm disappointed in you. And I'm sure Joe Francis would be, too.

Sure enough, back in the yearbook room, we're being treated to Jessie "Legs" Spano's video dating message. While most of the gang and Mr. Belding react to the video by getting mad, Kelly has been dating Zack for too long, and therefore suggests they get even instead. And so it begins.

Getting Back at Zack, Part the First: Screech and Zack are strategizing in the locker room when Slater comes in, threatening to pluck the nose hairs of whomever gave out Jessie's phone number. No, that's really his threat. Why doesn't he tweeze their eyebrows, too? Maybe throw in a bikini wax. Talk about inflicting pain! We then cut to Getting Zack Back, Part the Second: Jessie and Lisa are looking all forlorn in the hallway. Lisa's upset because her dad took away her phone because she was getting so many calls, and Jessie's bummed because Slater dumped her. Oh, and also because the guys are no longer calling her, either because they've heard about her penis, or because Slater's pretty much beating up every guy we see. We're supposed to believe it's the latter, I guess, because right on cue, the bell rings, and the men of Bayside come stumbling out into the hall, groaning like extras in an Alan Thicke zombie movie, with black eyes and cast-bound limbs. So wait, now the whole school is in on the joke? I'm so sure.

Before Zack can realized how incredibly fake all the "injuries" are, he's paged to Belding's office for Getting Back at Zack, Part the Third. Just as Zack is marveling over the black eye Slater has ostensibly given Belding, Kelly walks in with some leather-clad dude, hair teased out to the edge of oblivion and wearing a leather jacket and matching leather bra that she embossed with metal studs using Lisa's Bedazzler. She immediately starts mouthing off to Belding and making out with her new guy (Vince Montana--hey, I wonder if he's Johnny Dakota's cousin?) and giving Zack the boot with little more than a shrug. Zack, getting more gullible by the second, seems to buy that her unwitting Girls Gone Wild moment has turned Kelly into a hardcore slut, and so he uses his amazing time-stopping powers to buy him a few minutes to figure out how to get out of this jam.

And his solution is? Dress up like a really ugly and possibly pregnant woman! All right, so that's not the actual solution. What he's really done is use the money he made from the dating tapes to buy everyone copies of the yearbook. He's also given Kelly back the friendship ring she gave him (only, um, he was the one who gave her the friendship ring, but whatever) and enrolled himself in military school. In keeping with this episode's video-obsessed theme, Zack has recorded all of this on a video--and yet, as he addresses each person, he turns his head to look at them. Wow, how did he know when filming the video exactly where in the room each person would be standing and/or sitting? Is there no end to Zack's miraculous abilities?

Apparently, yes. As we all know, they end with his ability to dress in drag. And so Zack strolls into the yearbook room, looking like the homeliest possibly-knocked-up woman this side of the pregnancy test aisle at Wal-Mart. Unsurprisingly, his cover is immediately blown, as the gang begins to whisper and point at him. Somewhat surprisingly, Zack doesn't appear to notice this obvious display, possibly because he's too busy contemplating who the father of his unborn child might be. (My money's on Slater.) As Video Zack bids his final farewell, the gang spontaneously enacts Getting Back at Zack, Part the Fourth by cheering at the news. Disgusted, Drag Zack rips off his disguise, and now, it seems, the balance of power has once again shifted into the correct hands--the gang, hopelessly inept plotters that they are, can leave the scheming to Zack, and Zack can leave the skeevy filming of unsuspecting young girls to Joe Francis.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: You are the stupidest person ever to walk the Earth.
Screech: Well, you hired me; what does that make you?

Grade
Clare: B-. Look, I realize he was desperate for a car and all, but Zack really screwed the pooch on this scheme. And yet he still managed to turn in a more respectable effort than Mr. Belding and the gang. Plus, video yearbooks are stupid. So there.

7:55 AM

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

 

Wrestlemania!

A sign in the gym lets us know it's time for wrestling tryouts. Oh, great. As a rule, I hate all episodes that deal with wrestling because they are automatically about Slater and, by extension, Jessie. For some reason (plot contrivance, maybe?), said tryouts are being broadcast by Zack and Screech on KKTY. After Zack has interviewed Slater and Slater has performed on some passing dork what is ostensibly a wrestling move but actually looks more like some bizarre gay mating ritual, a girl with the biggest mall bangs I've ever seen (not to mention split ends from here to next Tuesday) walks in, looking for the coach. Zack hits her with the obligatory pick-up line, which she deftly ignores, then inquires why she wants to see the coach. When she says she wants to try out for the team, Zack responds with an eloquent, "But you're a girl." "Gee, you're quick!" snaps Mall Bangs (hereafter known as Kristy, for that is her name). As far as sarcasm goes, she's no Stacey Carosi, but she'll do.

Before Zack can embarrass himself further, Coach Sonski walks in. No wonder he was late, since he apparently came all the way from either New Jersey or the set of The Sopranos. He and his ill-placed Joisey accent inform Kristy that her gender prevents her from trying out for the team; or, in his words, "This is a gym, not a jane." What does that even mean? He thinks she should go work for the women's magazine? Anyway, Zack immediately jumps in an defends Kristy's honor, as if he weren't arguing the same line himself two minutes ago. When Coach Sonski fails to be swayed by Zack's sudden enlightenment, Zack promises Kristy that he'll find a way to help her.

Which apparently involves dragging her down to the KKTY studio in the basement so he can alert Jessica Spano, pseudo-feminist extraordinaire, to the situation. Upon hearing the news, Jessie proclaims it "sexist piggism of the worst kind." Jessie, haven't I already told you that piggism isn't a word? Vocabulary issues aside, Jessie is sure that if they take their case to Belding, he'll help Kristy out. Speak of the devil--here's Belding now, laughing his ass off as he walks into the studio about some girl who wanted to try out for the wrestling team. Just a thought, Belding: Next time you want to have a good chuckle about the girl who tried out for the wrestling team, you might want to have it with someone other than the girl standing right in front of you, wearing wrestling shorts.

Later at the Max, Kristy, who has for some reason changed into a different wrestling-tryout outfit, is lunching with Lisa and Screech (who, speaking of odd fashion decisions, is wearing a shirt with, like, cellos all over it). Kelly brings Kristy and Screech their orders, and when Lisa asks about hers, Kelly responds rudely, "Why don't you just dig for it in the dirt like you do everything else?" before stomping off. Um...what the hell is up with that? Was there a scene missing here somewhere? We don't have a chance to find out, because Zack comes rushing in with his little transistor radio, which is tuned to KKTY just in time for "Spano Speaks." All over Bayside, everyone is crowded around their transistor radios (I am so sure) to hear Jessie deliver her scathing editorial about the Kristy situation, most of which just involves her using a lot of pig sound effects, which nonetheless draw plenty of gasps from the crowd.

Apparently that wasn't enough to convince The Powers That Be, though, so Jessie has also organized a picket line at wrestling tryouts. From their signs, I can see that I've been spelling "pigism" incorrectly. Funny how my spellcheck didn't catch that, isn't it? I guess to annoy me, the protestors are also shouting, "Stop macho pigism!", which only makes me want to shout, "Stop using fake words!" back at them. When Coach Sonski walks in, Zack rushes up and asks him what it feels like to be hated. Coach Sonski says he doesn't really give a rat's, because "I have pets at home that love me." Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude. Then Belding, "the second most hated man at Bayside," walks in, and I guess he doesn't have pets or something, because once he finds out that all the girls hate him, he caves and says Kristy can try out for the team. Of course, Zack is there to capture every bit of the drama, including the pre-match trash talk, for the listners of KKTY, although it appears to me that everyone who might listen to KKTY is actually already in the gym. Anyway, Kristy pins the guy in about a second, the coach says she can join the team, and we all live happily ever after. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.

But Jessie's involved, so of course it's not. At the Max, everyone is basking in the glow of their success in convincing people that pigism is an actual word, and Slater and Kristy get to talking shop. He asks her where she learned the hold she used in tryouts, and she said she remembered him using it at some big match the previous year. Upon hearing this, Jessie looks concerned, and understandably so, since apparently Kristy is stalking her boyfriend. While Kristy and Slater scamper off to practice wrestling moves, Jessie begins referring to herself in the third person, which is just never a good sign.

Later, Zack shows up in the girls' locker room toting some radio equipment, ostensibly to interview Kristy for KKTY, but he actually just hits on her until she agrees to go out with him. I'd suspect that the radio equipment isn't even real (since when does KKTY have field reporters?), but it appears that Belding has picked up a transistor radio of his own and has tracked Zack to the locker room. He attempts to catch him with one hand over his eyes, which is about as successful as you might imagine. He ends up grabbing the arm of some random girl in a bathing suit, who screams bloody murder because...uh, she doesn't like the way she looks in a bathing suit? I guess I have to admit that if I ran into my high-school principal in the girls' locker room, I'd be a little freaked out, too, no matter what I was wearing.

Lisa, who has witnessed the whole thing, is now sharing the scene with KKTY listeners on her gossip show. Apparently on a previous show, she broke the news (and I use the term "news" loosely) of Kelly's big zit at prom, which might explain why Kelly was so bitchy to her early. What it does not explain, however, is why Kelly is now so nonchalant as Lisa seems to be implying that Slater and Kristy are dating. In fact, Kelly just stands there and laughs at Jessie as she freaks out about it, then tries to disown Jessie to the random extras when Jessie storms off. If it were me, I'd be trying to disown those high-waisted denim shorts Kelly has unwisely chosen to pair with her midriff top.

Later that night, Zack is on his date with Kristy, who is wearing a JC Penney bedspread that some enterprising young Maria Von Trapp has turned into a dress. As they're making eyes at each other across a plate of Max fries, in walks a Valley thug, who immediately starts trash-talking Kristy. When Zack makes a feeble attempt to appear threatening, Random Valley Thug puts him in a choke hold, which Kristy gets him out of by giving the thug a noogie. Wow, these are Bayside's prize-winning wrestling moves? Noogies?

The next day, it's once again time for "Spano Speaks." When is it time for "Spano Shuts Up"? Jessie retracts her earlier editorial, saying that women shouldn't wrestle because "the poor dears could get hurt." That's her entire argument, which leads me to believe that she's even worse at radio commentary than she is at protesting. Over at the Max, Kristy is distraught by Jessie's sudden change of heart (which Screech blames on her too-tight barrettes, like that's the least of her problems), and she's 0 for 2 when Zack walks in and breaks up with her.

Somehow, Zack and Jessie manage to run into each other at the radio station, where they realize what idiots they've been, and Zack, in a very after-school-special moment in the girls' locker room, convinces Kristy to rejoin the team. She does so just in time for the big Valley meet, where we are forced to watch Slater in a blatant display of homoeroticism. Fortunately, his match, which Zack promises will be "long and grueling," is predictably over in about 1.5 seconds, and it's blessedly Kristy's turn. She gets into trouble pretty quickly, and when Jessie "Mike Tyson" Spano's screams of "Bite him, Kristy!" fail to have an effect, Zack yells, "Kristy, use the hold you used on the guy at the Max!" In response, Kristy does not use the hold she used on the guy at the Max, but rather a hold Slater showed her earlier. She does give the guy a noogie for good measure, though. When Zack walks up to congratulate her on her victory, she pins him and plants a big kiss on him. Now that's hot. I just hope while we were watching Zack and Kristy make out, someone was giving Jessie a noogie off-camera.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Slater: "Why would I want a girl like Kristy when I can have a nutcake like you?"
Jessie: "Don't try flattering me! It won't get you anywhere!"

Grade
Clare: C+. There were so many bad things about this episode (Jessie's pseudo-feminism and use of the word "pigism," Kelly's ugly denim shorts, Slater in a wrestling jersey), but Kristy, despite her horrendous mall bangs, is a pretty good match for Zack. Then again, given that her competition is the likes of Danielle and Ginger, that's not saying much.

11:10 AM

Thursday, July 07, 2005

 

The Bullshit Aptitude Test

We open in the gym, where the gang and the requisite 12 extras are sitting at tables, No. 2 pencils at the ready. This is because, as Zack helpfully explains to us, they are about to take the SATs. Zack acts as if he, along with the rest of the viewing public, has never heard of the SATs before, which is merely the beginning of the complete and total bullshit that will plague us throughout this episode.

Mr. Belding paces around the room, lecturing the kids that this is the most important test they'll ever have to take. I personally think the SAT comes in second to the driver's test, but no one asked me. Incidentally, I hate how TV shows act like you can only take the SAT once, when everyone knows you can take it as many times as you want to keep improving your score. I guess that doesn't really convey the same level of dramatic tension, but whatever. It's still bullshit.

Cut to the test-taking. Jessie is filling in her answer sheet with vigor while thinking about how much she wants to go to Stansbury. Hey, what happened to Stanford?! Guess the caffeine pills must have affected on her short-term memory. Kelly, meanwhile, is staring at Jessie in horror, aghast that she's already on the third page when Kelly is still on the third question. Hmm, that does make me wonder if perhaps Jessie isn't employing the patented Andie McPhee standardized test-taking method. Then again, perhaps if Kelly spent less time staring at Jessie in horror and more time actually taking the test, she'd be a little further along. A few rows back, Slater is reminiscing about his oh-so-healthy breakfast of Twinkies and Ding Dongs, while Zack has become mesmerized by none other than Mrs. Ben Stiller herself, Christine Taylor, who is sitting at the desk in front of him.

Several weeks later (according to the captioning, although it would not be outside the realm of possibility in the SBTB universe for the test scores to have come back the next day), the gang is gathered at the Max to reveal their scores. Well, this just seems like a fabulous idea. To cut to the chase, the first four scores revealed are: Screech, 1220; Kelly, 1100; Lisa, 1140; Slater, 1050. Everyone obviously thinks Slater's score is embarrassingly low, which makes no sense at all because it's only 50 points lower than Kelly's. Next, we come to Zack, and the gang is amazed to learn that he has a score of 1502. Hey, now we know who the real Andie McPhee here is! Everyone assumes that since Zack got such a great score, Jessie's must be even higher, which it most decidedly is not, at 1205. While Jessie freaks out, I would like to take this moment to point out that I got a higher SAT score (1240) than 5 out of 6 of these people.

Later in the hall, Christine Taylor is congratulating Zack on his high score. In this scene (and a couple of subsequent ones), Christine Taylor is wearing flowered leggings with a matching oversized flowered sweater. I like to imagine that Ben Stiller sometimes gives her shit about having worn this outfit when they're hanging out at home. You know he does. Anyway, Zack takes advantage of his newfound genius to invite Christine Taylor over for a study date. Meanwhile, a random bimbo-ish extra comes up to Jessie, babbling that she made a 1280 on her SATs. OK, now I don't feel so proud of my score, if random bimbo-ish extra beat me. But hey, I got a 30 on my ACTs! Take that, random bimbo-ish extra! And what is up with everyone announcing their SAT scores at the drop of a hat? Who does that? What bullshit.

Conveniently, a college fair has been set up in the gym on the same day everyone received their test scores. Zack, Jessie and Christine Taylor are all in line to talk to the Stansbury rep. As Christine Taylor fawns all over Zack, Jessie makes pukey faces in the background, which may be the one thing Jessie has ever done that I think is awesome. Belding comes into the gym and starts making a big deal over Zack's test score, calling him "Mr. SAT" and introducing him to Mrs. Billingham, the Stansbury rep. He also introduces Jessie, pointing out her straight-A average and spate of after-school activites. However, when Mrs. Billingham finds out Jessie's SAT score, she tells her condescendingly that there are plenty of other colleges that would take her as she fawns over Zack, whom she has not asked about his grades and/or after-school activites, I might add. Which is why I will now be referring to her as Mrs. Bullshit.

That night, Zack is wearing one of his more elaborate geometrically patterened sweaters (which you just know Ben Stiller often makes fun of, too) and getting ready for his date with Christine Taylor by breaking in his beanbag chair, turning on the Muzak and spraying some Binaca in his mouth. Whatever happened to Binaca? Do they still make it? Or did it get eclipsed by those new-fangled breath strips? Anyway, Christine Taylor arrives and lets Zack convince her that both dimmed lights and a massage are conducive to studying. His grand seduction plan fails, however, when Bob, Christine Taylor's 40-year-old boyfriend shows up for some study help, too.

Meanwhile, Jessie is moping at the Max. Kelly points out that they shouldn't be worried about college stuff because they're only juniors, apparently not realizing that junior year is pretty much the crucial one when it comes to college decisions. Anyway, Mrs. Bullshit walks in, and Jessie pipes up a little too quickly and a little too loudly with "I knew you'd change your mind," which makes it all the more embarrassing when Mrs. Bullshit reveals that she's there to talk to Slater. When Jessie finds out that Mrs. Bullshit is recruiting Mr. 1050 to play on Stansbury's football team, she goes...well, apeshit and storms out of the Max. Slater says it's a good thing Jessie didn't find out Stansbury had offered him a car. A car?! Wow, that's like in the 99th percentile of bullshit.

Zack arrives at the Max, fresh from his non-date with Christine Taylor, as does James, fresh from an audition for Julius Caesar, which he apparently screwed up by yelling "With or without anchovies?" Since when does a caesar salad come with anchovies in the first place? As the gang frets over what to do about Jessie, Zack gets one of his ingenious ideas and tells James he's about to play the role of a lifetime. I'm thinking it might not be such a great idea to cast in a starring role an actor who can't even get through a freaking Shakespeare audition without messing up (not to mention a waiter who doesn't know what's on a caesar salad), but maybe that's just me.

Cut to the hallway, where Slater is stalling Jessie as Zack sneaks James into the gym, where he is posing as a Hhhhharvard rep. I would wonder how Harvard got into the show whereas Stanford obviously had to be cut out, but it's pretty clear that they stipulated their name could only be used if everyone pronounced it in an incredibly obnoxious manner. Which is why James is waxing poetic to Mrs. Bullshit (whom he calls Mrs. Billy-Goat-Cheese-Ham) about Hhhhharvard's presence at Bayside (which he calls Bay-Dock-View-Side). You'd think an actor would be able to remember things like names and places, but I believe we've already demonstrated that James is not exactly skilled at his craft. After a few minutes of this nonsense, Zack escorts James out of the gym, beating him over the head with his Hhhhharvard sign on the way out, a gesture which Mrs. Bullshit would have to have been blind not to notice. In fact, the only person not blind in this scene is apparently Jessie, who bumps into James and sees through the whole ruse at once. This causes her, and the rest of the gang, to tell Mrs. Bullshit where she can shove it. Which is pretty easy to do when you're dealing with a fake university. Otherwise? Bullshit.

Meanwhile, James is in Belding's office, posing as Stanley Alan Taylor, president of the SAT board. For no other apparent reason than to provide a sight gag when it begins to fall off, James has donned an extremely fake beard for his new role. Mr. Belding must have somehow fallen victim to the same random bout of blindness as Mrs. Bullshit, because he totally fails to notice the falling-off beard as James lectures him to stop challenging Zack with difficult classes. (How Dennis Haskins kept a straight face during this scene is beyond me, since apparently Mark-Paul Gosselaar and the guy who plays James couldn't manage.)

Having been freed from his schedule of nerd classes, Zack (wearing a blazer and glasses he must have received from the same Department of Unnecessary Costuming that provided James with his beard) exits Belding's office and gives all of his advanced calculus and college-level Russian books to Jessie. Someone must have given her a long-overdue dose of Valium, because she tells Zack that it doesn't matter that he got a 1500 and she got a 1200. Zack wastes no time pointing out that his score was a 1502. And with that, it's official: Bullshit is to this episode as stink is to a monkey.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Man, Zack's smarter than Doogie Howser!" --Screech

Grade
Clare: B+. This is a notable episode (who among us hasn't compared our SAT scores to Zack Morris's?) but one that, in the post-high school era, ultimately requires too great a suspension of disbelief if one is ever to get past all the bullshit. Besides, haven't the ACTs made the SATs obsolete by now?

10:01 AM

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

 

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of really hideous clothing

We open at the Malibu Sands Beach Club, where the staff is gathered for the obligatory morning meeting. This time, Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi is preparing them for the upcoming Fourth of July weekend, detailing all of the activities that will occur therein, such as the Staff vs. Member Games and the Miss Liberty Pageant. Zack offers up the suggestion that, instead of barrel jumping, they leap over girls in swimsuits and call it bikini jumping. Unsurprisingly, neither Jessie nor Big L is too keen on this idea, although the random extra standing behind Zack and Jessie seems to like it.

Talk then turns to the Miss Liberty Pageant, specifically the lack of participants. When Carosi mentions that there's a $500 savings bond in it for the winner, Kelly naturally jumps all over the chance to rake in more cash to put toward the management of her humongous family. Screech also tries to get in on the action, but Big L puts a stop to that. And really, was being Miss Bayside not enough for him? He has to be Miss Liberty, too? When did Screech become the Jon-Benet Ramsey of SBTB? Anyway, Big L tells Zack that, as the ambiguously titled "social director," it's his job to convince girls to sign up for the pageant.

Zack, of course, takes this as an opportunity to hit on even more of the beach club's neon-clad female population by telling them they'll get dates with him if they sign up for the pageant. He makes no such promise to Stacey to get her to sign up, but he does tell her, "If I were a judge, I'd vote for you." Hey, Zack, better put some salt on those words, because you're going to be eating them later.

Meanwhile out on the beach, Slater is attempting to set up the obstacle course, but he's getting some criticism from last year's obstacle-course champion, Miss Lisa Turtle. Since when is Lisa, the prissiest girl at Bayside, an obstacle course champion? Whatever. Slater informs her that, in fact, he will be winning the obstacle course this year. Screech then shows up in a "Muscle Beach" sweatsuit to try his hand at the obstacle course and promptly gets stuck in the cardboard tube. Lisa and Slater walk away, totally unconcerned that their friend appears to be rolling toward his ultimate demise in the ocean.

Up at the dining room, Stacey finally agrees to sign up for the pageant. Big L happens to be within earshot when Stacey makes her big announcement and immediately erupts with paternal pride. He then grabs Zack and introduces him to his buddy, Mr. Edgewater. When Carosi reveals that Stacey will be competing in the pageant, Mr. Edgewater responds with, "Well, I say, old man, that's fantastic!" So apparently they plucked Mr. Edgewater right off the set of Mary Poppins. Anyway, Big L recuses himself from judging due to the obvious conflict of interest, putting Zack in his place instead. Yeah, I'm not sure making the guy who's trying to romance Stacey a judge is any less of a conflict of interest, but whatever.

Suddenly, now that Zack's a judge, every single one of his friends has come out of the woodwork to enter the pageant, including Jessie (what, no grandstanding about pageants being sexist and degrading to women?) and Lisa (won't she be too busy with the obstacle course?). However, it seems that the scales are beginning to tip in favor of Stacey, who for some reason is modeling her pageant dress for Zack in the employee lounge. She's complaining that the dress, which appears to have sequined firecrackers on it, makes her look like a firecracker. Well, what did she expect? Zack takes the hook of this obvious compliment-fishing and goes in for the kiss, only to be rudely interrupted by Slater, who walks in and sticks his head between Zack and Stacey in what I can only assume is an attempt to get in on the action. Because seriously? Normal people don't act that way when they walk into a room and see two people about to kiss. Anyway, after Zack kicks Slater out of the lounge, he asks Stacey to the big Fourth of July dance. She agrees, but unfortunately, Slater seems to have ruined the almost-kiss moment, so you'll have to hold those "wooo"s for later.

The next day, it's time for the big Fourth of July celebration, for which everyone is dressed in colonial garb, and Jessie is playing the fife and walking as if she has a wooden leg. Don't ask me why. Screech has come dressed as his own uncle Sam, although to the casual observer, he might also be Willy Lowman from Death of a Salesman. The games kick off at the obstacle course, where Slater does an exceptionally bad job on nearly every obstacle, causing Lisa and her questionable athletic ability to totally smoke him. Hey, didn't he set the obstacle course up? You'd think he would've practiced doing it at least once.

Next we're off to the wheelbarrow race, where Big L and Edgewater use some of Craig Strand's race-winning tips to knock Kelly and Jessie over. Jessie cries foul, yelling, "Illegal use of a big body!" Whatever, Spano. Let she who has not sinned cast the first stone. Finally, everyone gets even by throwing each other into a random pit of dirty water at the tug-of-war. Oh, and Lisa and Slater call a truce and agree to go to the dance together. But who cares about this crap? Let's get on to the real drama--the Miss Liberty Pageant!

Hey, remember Stacey's sequined firecracker dress? It's actually the most tame outfit here. Kelly appears to be dressed as a cross between Minnie Mouse and Laura Ingalls Wilder, wearing something polka-dotted with puffy sleeves and a pinnafore, which she's paired with some fetching granny boots. Jessie is dressed as the Statue of Liberty. No, really. Her entire body is cloaked in loose gray fabric. Thankfully, we are spared an explanation of the outfit's political motivations. Lisa, in a red bikini top, a hideous flag-emblazoned leather jacket, and a sequined...uh, policeman's hat, looks like the love child of RuPaul and one of the Village People. Hey, no wonder Slater wanted to take her to the dance!

Somehow, these four fashion victims make it to the final round (whoever heard of a top four? Where's Muffin Sangria when you need her?), which means they each have to say what the Fourth of July means to them. Lisa says it means "fun, fireworks, and 50 percent off at all major department stores." Hey, she's got my vote! Jessie starts blathering about...I don't know, Manifest Destiny or something, until Carosi shoos her off the stage. Stacey says, "I would buy everyone a puppy so that they can feel the love that I feel right now." All right, not really, but she says something equally affected and simpering. Kelly actually says something really articulate and insightful about freedom that I'm too lazy to write out word for word.

Time for the results! Instead of the sort of super-secret tabulation that accompanies, say, the Miss America Pageant, Carosi simply walks over to the judges' table and takes each of their votes one by one, reading it out loud so everyone knows who voted for whom. Nice. Of course, this is really just to create dramatic tension when Zack votes for Kelly instead of Stacey. Which it does, first when Big L fires him (oh, so setting up a competing business while wearing his company uniform is within bounds, but this he gets fired for?), and then when Stacey breaks off their date to the dance after hearing from Screech that Zack voted for Kelly to try to win her back.

Later at the dance, Stacey is sulking at the refreshment table, looking fetching in a polka-dotted slipdress worn over lace-edged bicycle shorts. I would make fun of her outfit, but I'm pretty sure that at the time, I either owned those shorts or desperately wanted to. Anyway, Kelly comes up to congratulate her on the whole first runner up thing, and Stacey fires back a sarcastic comment about Kelly's relationship with Zack. When Kelly learns that Screech is the source of the misinformation, she tells Stacey, "Screech thinks Elvis runs a daycare center for the Muppet Babies." Hey, in Screech's defense, "Nanny" was a very ambiguous character whose face was never shown. It totally could have been Elvis!

Stacey goes to find Zack and runs into her dad, who lets it slip that he tried to rig the Miss Liberty Pageant. After chewing him out, Stacey discovers Zack on the beach, where he's sitting with a bag and his glaringly white Air Jordans next to him. So what, is he waiting for someone to pick him up by boat? I guess it doesn't matter, because Stacey and Zack make up and head back to the dance hand-in-hand, much to the delight of the gang, plus some random tall guy who appears to be Jessie's date. Big L, on the other hand, is not so delighted to see his recent firee. He changes his tune, though, when Zack and Stacey convince him that Zack could sue him for unfair dismissal. They make it seem like they're totally bullshitting him, but really, I bet Ally McBeal would've taken on their case. And won, provided she didn't get distracted by, say, dancing babies or having sex with strange men in car washes.

But before Zack and Stacey can ring up Cage and Fish or whatever the hell that sham of a law firm was called, everyone gets distracted by the fireworks starting outside. Zack and Stacey decide to stay inside, presumably so they can kiss without Slater trying to get in on it, which seems to work pretty well. As they lock lips, we fade into a shot of the fireworks. Wow, that metaphor was almost as subtle as Lisa's Miss Liberty outfit.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"You're a Carosi! Like yeast, we rise to the occasion!" --Big L, to Stacey, upon learning that she's entering the Miss Liberty pageant

Grade
Clare: C+. What can I say? Beauty pageants on this show are really only fun when Screech is in them. But at least we were finally relieved of the sexual tension that had been building between Stacey and Zack for a whole two episodes.

9:19 PM

Thursday, April 28, 2005

 

All we are saying is give chocolate-covered grasshoppers a chance

The gang, except Kelly and Slater for some reason (possibly because they're not relevant to the plot yet), is gathered for a student-council meeting, at the start of which Zack appears to be trying to shove some random nerd out of the door. We soon find out that this is because of his disdain for the nerds' (actually, four nerds, two dorks, and a dweeb) petition for a day of mourning on account of the cancellation of Gilligan's Island.

When the nerds' motion fails to pass, heretofore-unseen extra Graham (or, as I shall call him from now on, Grahamdhi), jumps up and starts yelling about plastic foam cups. Let me just say at the outset that I don't find Graham entirely unattractive. But he'd be a lot easier to take if he didn't seem so pretentious. And if he didn't yell every single thing he says in an attempt to convey "passion." And if he weren't wearing pants in that particular shade of burnt sienna.

Anyway, no one wants to talk about plastic foam. They want to talk about Cut Day, which is, according to Zack, the only reason he goes to school. Word. Unfortunately for Zack, he's already taken nine personal Cut Days this year, and, as Belding kindly points out, if he has one more unexcused absence, he'll get suspended. I would say that was harsh, but at my high school, if you had, like, two absences (even if they were excused), they practically kicked you out of school. Anyway, this threat from Belding doesn't stop Zack from making a $100 bet with Slater that he'll be able to cut anyway. Kind of like the fact that Zack is a heterosexual doesn't stop Slater from caressing Zack's face with his hand.

The next day in class, the only students there are Jessie and Grahamdhi , who are there for the big plastic-foam protest, and Zack, who is there to escape Belding's wrath. Once Belding has verified Zack's precise geocoordinates inside the hallowed halls of Bayside, and once Grahamdhi has yelled a little about female world leaders (nearly causing Jessie to jump him right there in class), Franklin--otherwise known as the "dweeb" on the Gilligan's Island Mourning Day Petition--comes in with some bogus story about how Zack owes $86 in overdue library books and must report to the library immediately. Right. Are we really supposed to believe that uber-slacker Zack Morris has ever been in the library, let alone enough times to rack up such a hefty fine? I certainly don't, but Random Teacher We've Never Seen Before and Will Never See Again apparently does. As does Jessie, which...isn't she supposed to be smart? Whatever.

Over at the Max, the usual booths have been removed and replaced with one of those games where the animals pop out and you whack them with a foam mallet (foam! Where's Grahamdhi when you need him?), as well as a bumper pool table. Maybe it's just me, but that seems like a lot of trouble to go to just for Cut Day. And especially when you consider that the only purpose of it (well, the pool table, at least) is so Slater can put the moves on Kelly. Hmmm. I suspect he's only using her to get to Zack. And it works--here's Zack now, ready to collect on his bet before he rushes back to class! Slater puts the brakes on this plan, however, when he says that Zack can only get the money if he shows up everywhere they go. Since when does Slater get to make up all the rules of the bet? That hardly seems fair.

Zack hurries back to Bayside just in time to escape the Wrath of Belding. Jessie still has not caught on to the whole library scheme, so Zack fills her in. Yet another random teacher (seriously, where were Mr. Dewey and Mr. Tuttle?) says that since no one's in class, they can have a free period. So what was the point of Zack coming to school, then, since he's obviously not going to learn anything? Whatever. Jessie and Grahamdhi decide to use their free time to make posters for the plastic-foam protest. I would like to point out that Graham's poster-making supplies include a yellow can of paint to go on his yellow posterboard. Good one, Einstein. Jessie is excited about her super-catchy protest slogan: "Plastic foam: The choice of idiots." Yeah, that might be the worst protest slogan I've ever heard. That's not catchy at all. Talk about idiots. These two are supposed to be the intellectuals of Bayside? Lord help us all.

However, even though Zack has stolen their can of red paint to paint Mr. Belding's car into a fire zone, they manage to still make signs with red letters on them, so maybe I should give them credit (for being able to perform magic, if nothing else). Plus, they now have much catchier slogans, like "Go home, plastic foam," which still isn't great (does plastic foam have a home?), but it's better than the one Jessie suggested. Meanwhile, Zack tracks the rest of the gang to the theater, where Kelly and Slater are getting cuddly to a zombie flick (which may or may not star Alan Thicke), and Screech is offering Lisa some of his chocolate-covered grasshoppers imported from Afghanistan. Afghanistan? I certainly hope Screech isn't supporting international terrorism with these chocolate-covered bugs.

Zack arrives back at Bayside just as Jessie and Grahamdhi are gearing up to protest the big plastic foam delivery. When he runs smack into Belding in the hallway, he pretends to be part of the plastic-foam protest, yelling along with Jessie and Grahamdhi at the delivery man, who is carrying what is quite possibly the smallest box of plastic foam cups I have ever seen. Seriously, there can't be more than like 100 cups in there, so even if the protest had been successful, it's not like it would have made that much of an impact. Not that that matters, because Belding shuts down the protest in about two seconds, telling them that they'll all get detention if they don't move aside. Apparently Jessie and Grahamdhi have never heard of civil disobedience, because they quickly acquiesce. They are the worst protesters EVER.

Meanwhile, over at the fakest beach ever, Kelly and Slater are getting down in the sand. Ew, not like that. They're dancing, because that's what people do at a beach. They dance. Yeah. As Slater continues to hit on Kelly by rubbing suntan lotion on her back, Zack shows up in a blue jumpsuit, explaining that Ernie the custodian is wearing a blond wig and taking his French test. I'm not sure I'd trust my French grade to the school janitor, but it's Zack, so it's not like his grades can get any worse. Anyway, Slater goes to get some sodas, and Kelly confesses to Zack that she kinda has the hots for Slater. OK, I assume that this episode occurs after Zack and Kelly have broken up (since Zack didn't fly into one of his trademark jealous rages upon seeing her with Slater), but still, isn't it a bit odd for him to be giving her advice about her love life? Especially when said love life involves his best friend/homosexual love interest?

Back at Bayside, Zack's last task of the day is sneaking out of Mrs. Culpepper's class, which doesn't seem to present much of a challenge, as Mrs. Culpepper appears to be blind, even with her Coke-bottle glasses. Of course, things get a bit trickier when Mr. Belding comes in and announces that he's just received a telegram that Mrs. Culpepper has won $2 million in the lottery, and Mrs. Culpepper is all like, "Screw this lousy job!" and runs out of the room. Uh, since when are lottery winners notified via telegram? Furthermore, who even sends telegrams anymore, other than the characters on Saved by the Bell? At any rate, Belding says he'll be taking over the class and dismisses everyone but Zack.

When a weary Belding reveals that he hasn't eaten lunch, Zack offers him one of Screech's chocolate-covered grasshoppers. Once Belding is safely ensconced in one of the men's room stalls, puking his guts out, Zack makes for the exit. However, he runs into Jessie and Grahamdhi, who are headed for the Max. When Zack points out that they're supposed to be saving the world, Jessie's all, "Yeah, well we tried, and now we're taking the rest of the day off." See? Worst protesters ever. As Zack is trying to prevent Jessie and Grahamdhi from colliding with Kelly and Slater, Belding emerges from the bathroom. Zack explains that he was just concerned about Belding's welfare and offers him a caramel caterpillar. OK, where did he get those? Is Zack part of this terrorist-supporting candy ring, too?

Somehow, Zack manages to make it to the Max before Jessie and Grahamdhi (perhaps they stopped along the way to weakly protest something), but not in time to keep Slater from seeing them...laughing together. This doesn't exactly look incriminating to me, but apparently it's enough for Slater to initiate The Talk about how they need to see other people. After a vague freak-out from Jessie about Slater's equally chaste interaction with Kelly, they announce to the gang that they've decided to see other people. One would assume that this would mean they would start dating the people who caused their break-up, but no, Grahamdhi and his burnt-sienna pants are on their way to the SBTB Bermuda triangle. And as for Kelly? I told you Slater was just using her to get to Zack.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Belding: Good morning, Zack.
Zack: That's easy for you to say, sir; they pay you to be here.

Grade
Clare: B+. A classic episode, yes, but I have to deduct a few points for the fashion violation that is Grahamdhi's burnt-sienna pants. (Didn't he know neon colors were in during the early '90s?) To say nothing of the points that are automatically deducted anytime Slater tries to hit on someone (other than Zack).

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