Saturday, August 30, 2003

 

When Jessie's away, the pigs will play

Lisa's in the hall showing off pictures to everyone who passes by of Zack and Tori making out all weekend. I find it a bit disconcerting that Lisa's now turned into a stalker. Speaking of the wonder couple, the waltz in hand in hand, so blinded by love that they walk into a bank of lockers. I also find that disconcerting. Actually, what I find more disconcerting is the fact that Tori's wearing a leather jacket with the sleeves pushed up in southern California.

Everyone bemoans the fact that they have no money for their sports teams. Lucky for them an alumni just died, leaving the students $10,000. They're offered the opportunity to vote on how to use the money the next day. When Zack and Slater suggest that the money be used for sports, the girls jump on the bandwagon until the guys squash them by saying the money should be used towards guys' sports: the "real" sports of the school. Where's Jessie when you need her? Belding has the brillant, fair and simple idea of having a battle of the sexes to decide who gets the money. Followed by -- what else could it be -- a dance! I guess something like dividing it in half would have been too much. It's a good thing they didn't have anything important to do, like go to class.

The first round is a scavenger hunt for picture puzzle pieces. I guess the fact that they were made from left over Mother Goose illustrations made it easy for the guys to win. To celebrate, they make up some gay chants comprised of two words: "We bad, we bad, we we we bad." They also throw some references to choo choo trains in there after which Slater gives a diva snap. They have obviously abandoned their testosterone for awhile, which gives Tori the perfect advantage to win the next round: the rebuilding of a carburetor.

The stakes are now so high that Zack feels the need to cheat. He shares the fact that the next round will be a bake-off and that he has rigged the girls' oven. Zack and Lisa, the respective bakers for their teams, face off and Zack taunts Lisa with such harsh lines like, "Hey, Lisa! I thought you said you couldn't cook." She shoots back with, "I never said I couldn't, I just said I wouldn't." I don't know. I think I'm gonna have to side with Zack on this one. Anyway, time's up and they pull their cakes of out the ovens. Lisa's is a black crusty mutation and Zack's is perfect. Hey, he did help his mom bake gingerbread women. And it helps that the girls apparently cannot smell burning food.

The guys win, and the girls go to sulk at the Max. Screech stops by and lets it slip that all things baked in that oven will burn. The girls figure out that the guys cheated, and they make a pact not to go out with any guy from Bayside until they confess. This would be the equivilent of sex deprivation, I'm assuming.

The guys can barely hold in their composure at the dance when they see the girls in their sexy spandex dresses with geometric shapes. Tori and Lisa come in, and Zack tries to negoiate with them. He fails miserably when Tori fixes his tie and he gets all hot and bothered. When Belding tries to present the check to Zack, he admits that they cheated. When Belding tried to give the check to Tori, she takes the high road, claiming that no one would have known the outcome of the bake-off. There's only one way to settle this. You guessed it: They limbo! I think it's weird that Tori suggested a limbo contest as a tie breaker since she's, without a doubt, the stiffest person to grace the show. During the big showdown, we get to see Slater's unnatural dexterity. There's no way he shouldn't have won that. He definitely took a dive. Tori magically wins the contest, and the girls' team revamps the "We bad" chant to reflect that cheaters never prosper.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Ox: "Hey hey hey. She can't dress in here. She's a girl."
Slater: "Ox, those are coveralls. They go over your clothes."
Ox: "Well I'm still not watching. I'm a gentleman."

Grade
Kia: C-. I really don't like the Zack and Tori episodes. In fact, I hate them, but the "We bad" song is great. Coupled with the fact that they would put so much effort into money for sports teams that they never practice for.

4:38 PM

Thursday, August 28, 2003

 

Teen Line: Not as dirty as it sounds (Rap Room: Exactly as stupid as it sounds)

Zack walks into Belding's office to discuss the senior class community project with the rest of the gang while Screech knocks over everything that's not mounted down. Tori steals an idea from her old high school of a teen line and rap room. Naturally, every one thinks it's a great idea.

Tori lays out a few ground rules at the start of the teen line: never ask for last names, never ask for phone numbers and never never ask to meet. So I guess this means all three will be broken. Lisa gets the first phone call and doles out helpful advice like, "Don't wear white, or you'll look like Shamu at a wedding." Some kid wanders in to complain about his little brother, but when counselor Screech whines about being an only child, the kid offers his brother to Screech. What kind of dysfunctional family is this? Anyway, Zack gets a call from a girl with overprotective parents and immediately starts hitting on her. I think he took Jeff's "How to take Advantage of Girls Who Seek Your Help" seminar. Plus it's good foreshadowing of his manning of the suicide hotline in Dead Man on Campus. Anyway, he gives her some crap advice, telling her to set clocks back in her house so she can stay out later. I guess her parents don't have watches. He goes on to ask her name (Melissa), where she lives and invites her to meet him at the Max. Melissa for some reason doesn't catch on to the fact that the guy from the advice line shouldn't be asking you on a date and agrees to go out with him.

Zack goes to the Max the next day to meet her. He walks up to the usual booth, which now has a "Reserved" sign on it. I'm having a problem with this for a number of reasons: 1) You can't reserve a certain booth, 2) You definitely can't reserve a booth at a place like The Max, and 3) No one ever sits at that booth besides Zack & Co. But I guess the Max is making a lot of changes, like the neon yellow tablecloths now adorning the tables...like the one Melissa is sitting at. Zack introduces himself and invites her to check out the music on the jukebox because it changes every week. Personally, I've never heard anything but cheesy synthesized music, but whatever. Melissa rolls over to the jukebox and Zack discovers her dark secret: she's in a wheelchair. I don't really know how he could have missed it before since he was staring right at her for 15 seconds. Riddle me this: how did she get down the stairs of the Max?

The rest of the gang comes in and invites her to come to Bayside and watch them in action at the teen line. Which consists of them sitting in a room answering phones. They sure know how to entertain. It turns out that they did more than answer phones the next day. A freakishly tall (I'd say...oh, 5'9") not totally unattractive girl comes in to talk to Zack and Slater about how shy she is around boys, being so freakishly tall and all. I don't know. If I was so shy around boys, I think I'd call for advice instead of heading straight for two not totally unattractive guys and moan about my dumb insecurities. Melissa tells her to think of tall as beautiful. I'm going to think of her as not smart because she gushes like she just got directions to the Holy Grail. She then proceeds to bend down in her not totally long skirt right in front of Zack and Slater and give Melissa a hug. That girl has an agenda.

Zack is so smitten with the fact that Melissa can think that he demands a date. He then proceeds to turn their nice quiet evening at the movies into a PC rally, even going as far as asking the guy in front of her to slump down because she's in a wheelchair.

The next day Belding walks in to Teen Line HQ and tells them that the school's budget has been cut and that all nonessential school programs must go, i.e., the Teen Line (What does i.e. mean, anyway? Who cares; you got it). Call me crazy, but I don't think it'll break the bank for five kids to sit around answering phones after school. The gang (sans Slater, plus Melissa) gathers at the Max, totally crushed and indignant that their two-day project has been cut. Shy-but-not-modest girl comes up to them and goofily announces that she has a date for the weekend. Inspired by the one person they helped, they try and think of a way to raise money to keep the Teen Line open. When Slater comes in from basketball practice, Zack has the brilliant idea to have a wheelchair basketball game, to be followed by a dance. So let me get this straight: they're gonna raise money for an annual project that was somehow overlooked in the budget by throwing a dance that definitely was not budgeted for. Makes sense.

The game goes off without a hitch, making enough money to keep the Teen Line open. Then Zack feels the need to make a speech about Melissa being the true star because she's only one who has to stay in a wheelchair. Smooth one, buddy. Melissa blasts him about always calling attention to her handicap and rolls off angrily.

At the dance, Slater goes up to "I'm not really shy; I just wanted everyone to feel sorry for me" girl who's wearing an even shorter skirt and she tells Slater that he's the hunk she's after. What did I tell you? Zack, along at the refreshment table, spots Melissa, apologizes and promises to treat her normally for the last 12 seconds of the show. He then proves this by "dancing" with her. I don't know. It looked a lot like her just spinning around in a circle. Oh, bad Kia. If I've learning nothing else from this episode, it's that people in wheelchairs have the right to look just as stupid as people without any physical disability.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Slater: Oh, you play basketball?
Melissa: Every day in my driveway. You should see my hook shot.
Screech: Oh, can you dunk?
Melissa: Only doughnuts, but I still love to play.

Grade
Kia: C. The fact that Zack was made a peer counselor is hilarious. Other than that, there was nothing exceptionally notable about this episode...except for Zack and Lisa sitting together in the booth on two occasions. But that's another story.

Clare: C-. I have never been fond of the whole Zack-helping-those-less-fortunate-than-him schtick (witness the horrible homeless Christmas debacle). Especially since the message always seems to be, "Help people, but only if they're pretty." Don't average-looking or even ugly people deserve some Zack Morris love, too?

4:10 PM

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

 

Jessica Myrtle Spano: Gone, but somehow still annoying us

Zack walks into the hall wearing a wallpaper-inspired shirt and all in a tizzy because someone parked in his parking space. As Screech describes the perpetrator of the crime -- a big bad biker dude -- a girl wearing a black leather jacket full of zippers walks through. Zack gives her attitude about parking in his space and she give him attitude back, thus signaling that Zack has met his match. I guess. Zack goes to Belding and whines about his space while the Fall Ball dance committee has a meeting. Mr. B. shows his complete faith in Lisa as chair by telling her that he hopes she can make it as good as last year's dance. Since there wasn't one last year, I'm thinking Lisa's cool. Lisa, however, has adapted Jessie's aggresive personality, snapping at her committee calling them stupid nerds.

Later, in class, the same teacher who assigned a test on the first day of school gives out an ad campaign project to be done with a partner. Amazingly, Zack gets stuck with Tori. While meeting at the Max to go over their computer datebook project, they trade ruthless insults like, "That way you don't get Candi mixed up with Bambi" and "If it was your datebook, it would be empty." In the end, they decide to split up the project. Meanwhile, Lisa's turned into some Hitler-like personality, telling her committee that they're not allowed to eat. Finally, after being called incompetent, Slater gets fed up and quits as the rest of the committee follows suit. Lisa spots Tori, begs for her help with the dance, and she agrees.

It's the next day; it's presentation day, and Tori is a no-show. Zack begins to demonstrate his half of the project duties with cue cards and a shirt that looks like bacteria cells. He tries to stall by presenting a scenario of a missing partner who is costing the other partner a grade -- I mean job -- when Tori dashes in, right on cue.

After class, Tori meets Lisa in the hall and they talk about how tired they are for staying up all night and decorating for the dance. Tori has developed a new appreciation for Zack after seeing how resourceful he was. Later, Tori walks into the Max, spots Zack sitting at a dirty booth (two half full glasses, neither of which Zack seems to be interested in) and tries to cozy up to him, which only ends in a shouting match. She storms out of the Max and goes to the girls' locker room, kicking lockers. When Lisa guesses that Tori has a crush on Zack, she suggests that Tori soften her image.

At the dance, Zack tries to make conversation with his date, Ginger [Sampras], and fails. Tori makes her grand entrance wearing a variation of Lisa's mystery mansion dress and all of her hair in a poof on the side of her head. As Tori plays up her feminine (?) side to Zack, Lisa keeps walking by in the background, grinning like the Cheshire cat. When Zack blows Tori off for Ginger, Lisa cuts in and tells Zack that Tori was late because she was helping with decorations. Zack finds Tori pouting in the hall, apologizes and they agree to start over. Tori's a bit disappointed when Zack walks off after calling her pal. I can see the determination in her eyes, though. She'll make him hers for at least... 2.5 episodes.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Tori: "So how are things going with you and that bimbo Ginger?"
Zack: "She is not a bimbo! She's not a bimbo. She's just...happy."

Grade
Kia: C+. The fact that it's a Tori episode counts for the majority of the deductions, but the fact that Pete and Ox are beginning to get played up is great. Can't forget Zack and Lisa dancing. That's what gets the plus.

3:56 PM

 

Punky-a! Power-a!

Well, it's senior year, and that means time is winding down for the good ol' Bayside High gang. Until Tori comes along, that is. But I digress. The twelve students of Bayside are gathered in a classroom filled with A/V equipment and Punky Brewster. Zack walks in, sees Ms. Brewster and is so shocked that he must give us a wink. It turns out that Punky's name is Robin and she is quite unreceptive to Zack's charm, as it does not come with a Rockefeller-size bank account.

Belding walks in and announces that everyone must be wondering why he's teaching communications and asks Slater to explain. Slater, like the rest of the world, has no idea. I thought it was because the show blew all of its money on the fancy shrubbery, velvet curtains and former child stars that decorated the room, so they couldn't afford Mr. Tuttle. Anyway, Mr. B. tells the class that their class project will be to create a show for cable. I must note that while ideas are being thrown out, I see Lisa giggling at Zack, who is off camera. She obviously forgot about the SBTB Bermuda Triangle because she's still acting somewhat attracted to him. Anywho, after some debate, the class decides on a "Today Show"-for-teens format.

A few seconds later, the show is magically in production. Slater's the director, I assume, because he's shouting commands and wearing a nifty headpiece. Robin catches his eye and he proceeds to ask her on a date. Again, a Bayside man's advances are thwarted. But the show must go on. And it did. Anchors Zack and Lisa bring the breaking news, including Jessie bringing Belding to tears for asking him about missing money and not talking about his pet turtle, as well as Kelly's weather report in which she's wearing a down jacket with no pants. Or skirt. Or any kind of visible bottom. Hey, this is for cable.

There's also a segment called Chef Screech's kitchen, and we see Slater doing double duty as both the director and the kitchen help. I guess they were too impatient to wait until the cameras were rolling because they're already three-fourths of the way through. When it's revealed that the spaghetti sauce they've made is so good, everyone in the crew eats from the pot that Slater has quadruple dipped from. Zack and Slater have the wild and crazy idea to sell Screech's sauce. Meanwhile, Robin sets her sights on Screech, a nerd with great earning power. Which I don't really get since they haven't sold anything yet.

After a messy start in the production of the sauce, the gang decides it would be better to shoot a commercial full of horrible Italian stereotypes and accents. In it, Slater plays the brother of the family named Mario and he utters the phrase, "Hey! We're saved by the bell!" All by accident, I'm sure. I don't give the writers that much credit.

Using her job at the Max, Kelly scores a prime spot to both sell and promote the sauce. Or maybe they're at the Max because there is no other place in the world. After some fantastic cheers about the sauce, Kelly immediately starts doing her real job. Where's Jeff when you need him? Those employees have gone wild.

Screech & Robin enter and order some fancy lobster meal from Kelly, who takes their money without any intention of getting the food. She does, however, promptly go back and tell the gang that Screech is buying Robin expensive gifts, like a watch. Lisa uses this opportunity to grope Zack as she asks if it's a nice watch. Not sly at all. Everyone appoints Zack to tell Screech about Robin. Just as he's about to, he and Screech are interrupted by a Betsy Crocker rep who informs them that Screech's sauce is actually a copyrighted sauce that's been in their cookbook for 20 years. He tells them to stop selling it or they'll be sued. I don't know. Something tells me that it wouldn't quite happen like that.

Everyone is so mad at Screech that they refuse to talk to him. When Zack finally gets around to telling Screech about Robin, Screech claims he's jealous, but then overhears Robin bragging to her friend about her rich nerd. Meanwhile, while everyone's packing up the remaining sauce, Mr. B. tells Zack that they need to come up with $1500 for inappropriate use of school supplies or they'll all be suspended. Again, probably not the way it would really happen.

When Screech reveals that he spent all of the profits on Robin (how did he get the money in the first place?), Zack comes up with a brilliant idea that involves him dressing as German wealth and bidding on the recipe for Screech's sauce, which has been put up for auction, in front of Robin. She opposes the acquisition of the sauce by the "foreign creep" and offers to buy it for 2g's. And that's the moral, guys. Get out of a scam with a scam. You'll get the snobs back and even make a profit.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Belding: "Zack! You must think I'm pretty dumb."
Screech: "We're not the only ones!"

Grade
Kia: B+ If for nothing else, because of that horrible commercial. Zack with a huge beer belly and Lisa screaming out indecipherable lines in what's supposed to be an Italian accent is classic. Points for my boy Sly in a strong supporting role and seeing Berkley as one of the Macaroni Mamas.

12:52 PM