Saturday, August 30, 2003

 

When Jessie's away, the pigs will play

Lisa's in the hall showing off pictures to everyone who passes by of Zack and Tori making out all weekend. I find it a bit disconcerting that Lisa's now turned into a stalker. Speaking of the wonder couple, the waltz in hand in hand, so blinded by love that they walk into a bank of lockers. I also find that disconcerting. Actually, what I find more disconcerting is the fact that Tori's wearing a leather jacket with the sleeves pushed up in southern California.

Everyone bemoans the fact that they have no money for their sports teams. Lucky for them an alumni just died, leaving the students $10,000. They're offered the opportunity to vote on how to use the money the next day. When Zack and Slater suggest that the money be used for sports, the girls jump on the bandwagon until the guys squash them by saying the money should be used towards guys' sports: the "real" sports of the school. Where's Jessie when you need her? Belding has the brillant, fair and simple idea of having a battle of the sexes to decide who gets the money. Followed by -- what else could it be -- a dance! I guess something like dividing it in half would have been too much. It's a good thing they didn't have anything important to do, like go to class.

The first round is a scavenger hunt for picture puzzle pieces. I guess the fact that they were made from left over Mother Goose illustrations made it easy for the guys to win. To celebrate, they make up some gay chants comprised of two words: "We bad, we bad, we we we bad." They also throw some references to choo choo trains in there after which Slater gives a diva snap. They have obviously abandoned their testosterone for awhile, which gives Tori the perfect advantage to win the next round: the rebuilding of a carburetor.

The stakes are now so high that Zack feels the need to cheat. He shares the fact that the next round will be a bake-off and that he has rigged the girls' oven. Zack and Lisa, the respective bakers for their teams, face off and Zack taunts Lisa with such harsh lines like, "Hey, Lisa! I thought you said you couldn't cook." She shoots back with, "I never said I couldn't, I just said I wouldn't." I don't know. I think I'm gonna have to side with Zack on this one. Anyway, time's up and they pull their cakes of out the ovens. Lisa's is a black crusty mutation and Zack's is perfect. Hey, he did help his mom bake gingerbread women. And it helps that the girls apparently cannot smell burning food.

The guys win, and the girls go to sulk at the Max. Screech stops by and lets it slip that all things baked in that oven will burn. The girls figure out that the guys cheated, and they make a pact not to go out with any guy from Bayside until they confess. This would be the equivilent of sex deprivation, I'm assuming.

The guys can barely hold in their composure at the dance when they see the girls in their sexy spandex dresses with geometric shapes. Tori and Lisa come in, and Zack tries to negoiate with them. He fails miserably when Tori fixes his tie and he gets all hot and bothered. When Belding tries to present the check to Zack, he admits that they cheated. When Belding tried to give the check to Tori, she takes the high road, claiming that no one would have known the outcome of the bake-off. There's only one way to settle this. You guessed it: They limbo! I think it's weird that Tori suggested a limbo contest as a tie breaker since she's, without a doubt, the stiffest person to grace the show. During the big showdown, we get to see Slater's unnatural dexterity. There's no way he shouldn't have won that. He definitely took a dive. Tori magically wins the contest, and the girls' team revamps the "We bad" chant to reflect that cheaters never prosper.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Ox: "Hey hey hey. She can't dress in here. She's a girl."
Slater: "Ox, those are coveralls. They go over your clothes."
Ox: "Well I'm still not watching. I'm a gentleman."

Grade
Kia: C-. I really don't like the Zack and Tori episodes. In fact, I hate them, but the "We bad" song is great. Coupled with the fact that they would put so much effort into money for sports teams that they never practice for.

4:38 PM