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Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Never trust those accents

Zack is in the Max talking to Screech about big ideas and big money when Jessie, Slater and Lisa come in. Jessie’s quizzing Lisa, comparing her advice to that of an advice columnist. Jessie’s amazed that Lisa & Dear Donna always give the same answers. I’m amazed that anyone actually writes to those magazines when you can guess the answer they’ll give you. Zack tells us that he’s just found his gimmick as a 75-watt flashes over his head. Kelly walks in with Nicki, her little sister who begins shooting the major starry eyes at Zack. She fantasizes about the girls waiting for a prince at the Max in their prom dresses (except for Kelly, who’s wearing a dress made of foil) while she’s forced to scrub the floor. Hey! I wonder if this is a play on Cinderella. Slater, Screech and Zack come in looking and sounding like Run-DMC rejects searching for the girl who can wear the gold sneaker. Just like in Cinderella, it’s the lowly 7th grade sister of the prom queen that he’s dating that the prince really wants.

Later, Zack and Screech discuss how rich they’re going to be while doing a variation on the tango. After Lisa walks in and embarrasses them, Zack reveals his plan to launch a Teen Line. Now, this wouldn’t be the same Teen Line where Zack picks up handicapped girls, would it? No. This one makes money I see, as Lisa requests half of the profits in cash. Once again, the Pandora’s box of bad accents is opened as Zack and Lisa “disguise” their voices to the Teen Line callers as a descendant of Crocodile Dundee and a southern belle, respectively. Various members of the cast call, including Jessie because she’s all about Slater and Nicki, because she’s all about Zack.

The next day, Nicki waltzes through Bayside in her prom dress (since when did Bayside include middle school?) and brazenly tries to steal Zack from her sister. When Nicki demands a kiss, Zack throws her in his locker just as Kelly walks up – overly tanned – and gushes because Nicki has her first crush and they finally have something they can share. What a loser. Jessie walks down the stairs and sees Nicki grab Zack and hug him as he looks disgusted and immediately assumes they’re dating.

Because Lisa’s solved everyone’s problems, Zack fires Lisa and he and Screech get the idea to give out bad advice. Soon the Teen Line is buzzing again. Zack gets simultaneous calls from both Kelly (she’s worried about the possibility of Zack and Nicki dating) and Nicki (she’s…bored, I guess) and he accidentally gives each sister the advice meant for the other. Maybe it’s me, but if I have multiple people on the phone, I check to see who’s who before I relay an entire message.

In an art class that’s filled with some Nickelodeon type figures, the tension between the girls and boys comes to a climax when everyone sprays silly string all over each other. Belding comes in and takes all of the students to his office when someone throws clay in his face. When it becomes apparent that the Teen Line is to blame for all of the students’ woes he figures out that Zack and Screech are behind it. He tells them to fix the students’ attitudes or else. Or else what? Quit acting like you can do something Ritchie.

Zack recruits Lisa to help him calm the school down and to help him with Nicki and Kelly. She agrees and finds Kelly sitting forlorn on the steps, dressed like she’s ready for the battle of the sexes to get some of that money for the volleyball team. No, wait; she’s not even in those episodes. Anyway, she and Kelly go to the Max later that evening. Kelly, for some reason, is dressed like a prostitute on a cold night in a platinum blonde wig and an oversized pearly pink raincoat. Zack comes in dressed like Screech and begins playing the “dork” role a little too well. He meets Nicki and tries to gross her out by bringing out pet spiders and talking about the insect rodeo, but she’s really turned on by that stuff. You’d think he’d know she was weird like that since he’s dating her sister, but whatever. He finally tells her the truth about his feelings for her and her sister while Kelly listens – totally inconspicuous – in the adjoining booth. After Nicki leaves, Kelly gets into her prostitute role and tries to seduce Zack by suggesting that they go make a Kodak moment. Whew. Pretty racy talk, there. Zack turns down her advances, however, claiming he’s a one-woman man.


Quote of the episode:
Zack: You know every person in here made a fortune before they were 20. And you know what they have in common with me?
Screech: Nothing. That's why you're not in there.

Grade: Kia: B-. You gotta give props to any episode from which they pull scenes to put in the opening credits. And that rap fantasy was great.

6:29 PM

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