Tuesday, March 08, 2005

 

RADD: Recappers Against Drunk Dummies

I guess it's homecoming time because there are shots of, like, 15 tacky signs, including a "Vote for Lisa Turtle: Homecoming Queen." Lisa and not Kelly? This must be a Tori episode. My suspicions are confirmed as Lisa bounces down the hallway steps to suck up to Tori and Zack for their votes. After they tell her that she already has their votes, she does what any sane canidate would do: asks why she's wasting her time with them and chases after the random bimbo of the episode. Let's just call her Teri. Because that's what Lisa called her. Slater, Screech and Ox come around the corner discussing the "big party." Slater has to remind Ox that they party's at his house because his parents are out of town. Giggles all around.

Later, Tori runs into the Max all hopped up on something and annouces Lisa's arrival. After Lisa comes through the door, Tori actually throws petals at her feet. This girl has some serious gender issues. They join Zack at the booth and soon after, Slater sulks over from the party planning table to complain about his cohorts. Tori sees them drinking ketchup and giving noogies and suggests a toga party since they're such animals. I could see a jungle themed party, but I don't really see how animals and toga parties are connected, unless it's a reference to Animal House. Which it is because the monkeys at table 2 start chanting "Toga," which they apparently cannot stop shouting as the screen flips and they're at the party, still shouting. Zack walks up to blonde bimbo - let's call her Tammy - and tried to look sexy with his bird chest. Let's call her Teri saunters up and Zack's the meat in a whore sandwich. Ox and some other guy bring in a tub full of beer and Slater is the first to succumb to peer pressure. He lures Zack with the rationale that they're seniors. Lisa - sitting on the foulest looking couch ever - is given her beer in a champagne glass on a tray with the phrase "Long live the queen," which is all she needs. Screech and Tori are the only ones who don't fool with this debauchery. Later, let's call her Tammy passes out on Tori and Tori leaves, knowing that her friends are obviously drunk, without offering to drive anyone home or take their keys. I'm now assigning blame to her for everything that happens after this point. Lisa tells Zack that she wants to leave as well, and they all try to ass off driving duty. When Screech - the sober one - offers to drive, they dismiss him. Zack, with beer still in hand, says that he'll drive and they all agree. Drunk logic, gotta love it. They drive down a pitch black road, drunkenly singing "Wild Thing" until Zack runs them off the road. And they all die. Man, wouldn't that be a crazy way to end the show?

But no. It ends up Tori gave them some money to tow the car to Zack's house. As they all mull over what happened to Dr. Turtle's car, Zack's dad shuffles in. They tell him that Lisa was driving and she swerved to miss a dog and they hit a telephone pole. That's feasible. Mr. Morris tells Lisa that he's going to call her mom to tell her that they're OK. She freaks out because her mom isn't home. That's not unlikely, her mom being a doctor and all, but drunk logic tells Zack to have Lisa call his dad, pretending to be her mom.

The next day, Zack and Lisa are at Zack's locker complaining about their hangovers. Dude, didn't they have, like, 2 beers? Whatever. Slater tells them that it'll cost $1000 to fix the car, but if they could steal a waterpump from the autoshop, it would cut the cost in half. They're on a roll. When trying to figure out a way to raise the other $500, they see Sylvester coming down the steps and convince him to buy a message proclaiming his love for someone named Agnes that will be displayed on Slater's jersey. Lisa then realizes that she forgot to call her mom and asks to use Zack's brick. She obviously lies her way through the entire conversation and her mom - who looks like she could really be Lark's mom - is none the wiser. Screech comes down the steps and offers to get the waterpump because he was no real purpose in this episode.

As Screech goes bumbling through an empty hallway, he has apparently succeeded at his mission. Belding catches him and inquires about his procured waterpump and discovers that there's something wrong with Lisa's mother's car. He chases after Screech to find out exactly what it is and Zack, Lisa and Tori come around another corner admiring the stitching handiwork that some girls did. He displays Slater's jersey, which is doubling as a billboard for nerd love. Those letters are pretty small; how is anyone supposed to read that? But they've got bigger problems as Slater joins them, arm in sling, and announces that he whacked his shoulder in the accident and won't be able to play. They walk Slater to his locker as Belding strides to his office. He tells Lisa that Screech told him about the accident - which involved bananas on the freeway and the apparent massacre of monkeys. Belding then asks Slater what happened to his arm, to which Zack replies that he threw his shoulder during practice. What is up with these elaborate lies? Just say you were in a car accident and leave out the drinking part. I knew this when I was, like, 12.

The next day at the pep rally, Belding announces that Slater won't be playing and then goes on to announce Lisa as homecoming queen. She enters from the back of the Max, apparently still using the makeshift dressing room she had for her fashion show. Her dress is very beauty pageant. In fact, I thought she was wearing a sash for the longest time until I figured out that it was actually part of her dress. She is crowned by a cheerleader who was popped up out of nowhere and her mom sneaks in and claps for an absurdly long time before Lisa notices her. She gives a really crappy speech and the crowd disperses. Zack panics until Slater and Tori tell him that they finished fixing the car. Sylvester demands his money back. Zack tells him that he doesn't have it and in the most gangster move ever, Sylvester just snatches Zack's phone. Priceless. Zack laments that he's had that phone since junior high and he asks what he did to get into this situation. "You drove drunk and ran into a telephone pole. Remember?" harps Tori. Rhetorical question, my friend. Rhetorical question. Lisa and her mom come over and Zack tells Dr. Turtle that the car is at his house because they washed and waxed it for her.

In Zack's garage, Lisa and Dr. Turtle and in the car while Zack and Slater look on. Why is Slater there? The engine won't turn over and the Turtles get out. Zack says that the wax must have clogged the fuel injection, which makes no sense. Have you been drinking again, Zack? Just as Dr. Turtle suggests that they leave, Zack's dad saunters in. Zack tries to hustle him out, but as he's leaving, he tells Slater that they car doesn't look like it's been in an accident. Dr. Turtle questions "accident" and Zack supplies that it's the accident with the wax. Mr. Morris questions the wax and he's caught. He admits the entire story. Dr. Turtle tells Lisa that she can forget about homecoming and they walk home. Zack's dad sends Slater home so he can tell Zack how disappointed he is in him. He tells Zack that it scares him that he could be so irresponsible. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys must not have met. Mr. Morris, this is your son. Think about it. Then Zack's dad takes away his car keys for a long while because he loves him and they walk off together.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Let's call her Teri: Zack, did you forget about me?
Zack: Et tu brunette?

Grade: A. This episode is classic. After fighting their struggles with drugs and Johnny Dakota, it took very little for them to get sloppy drunk. I also appreciate the fact that I was watching this as a pre-teen and knew I could easily lie my way out of this situation 10 times better than they could.

8:55 AM