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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Even puppies need trainers

Zack walks into the Max, steals a Coke and informs us that he has tickets to the Dodgers-Mets playoff. Unfortunately, it’s during school. Story of his life. He walks up to Screech and Slater, discussing excuses he can give to attend the game. When a burned house, measles and a grandmother’s death don’t pass the test, the conversation moves on to a more “interesting” topic when Jessie – flanked by an inquisitive Kelly and Lisa – comes in, gushing about her mother’s wedding. Lisa expositions that Jessie just got off the plane. Wait, what does her mother do that would allow her to meet and marry someone who didn’t live in “Palisades?” I thought she was an oil derrick-chaining hippie. Anywho, Jessie says that it was wonderful, but her new stepbrother didn’t say much at the ceremony. Oh, Lord. Jessie’s got a stepbrother. She asks Kelly of A Million Siblings for advice. Kelly emphatically warns against the dangers of toilets seats that aren’t down. Jessie gasps as if she’s said the most indecent thing in the world. Calm down, stripper. Jessie informs the gang that her stepbrother decided to spend a few more hours in New York City with his friends. Kelly reminds everyone that they really have to make him feel welcome.

Later Lisa and Kelly take cookies to Jessie’s room that they made for the stepbrother. Lisa tells Jessie which kinds they baked while putting her grubby little paws on and taking a bite out of each of them. Kelly and Jessie grab them from Lisa and put them back in the container. To give to Eric. As if their dirty hands and saliva weren’t all over them. Gross. Jessie’s mom calls from downstairs to let her know that they’re back. Instead of, you know, going down herself, she screams at her mom to tell Eric to come up. Eric breezes through the door and, hey, he’s not entirely uncute. He deposits his life’s belongings - contained in two duffel bags - in the middle of Jessie’s room and makes a dumb comment about the 3 girls being sisters. The girls introduce themselves with extended hands. Eric grabs Lisa’s, yanks her toward him and begins harassing her. Lisa is less than flattered by lines like “Let’s dump these two and make nice in the sand.” She manages to tear herself away from Eric and makes no secret of the fact that she’s disgusted. Kelly curtly reminds Eric that the ocean is on the left (Is the ocean really always on the left? Wouldn’t it be on the right if you’re going south?), shoves the cookies in Eric’s gut and leaves with Lisa in tow.

The next day at school, Zack brainstorms with Slater about more excuses to get out of school while Kelly tells Jessie that her stepbrother’s behavior was not rude at all. She ends by giving the example of her 19-year-old brother blowing out his birthday cake with a mouthful of Diet Coke. Gotta get that product placement in there. When Lisa asks Jessie where she was earlier that morning, Jessie explains that she was drying off from falling in the toilet. Yeah…there are so many things wrong with that statement. Kelly and Lisa walk off while Zack and Slater walk up and ask where Eric is. He’s in Belding’s office getting his schedule. I guess this school has no advisors, no academic counselors. Nothing. Great. We soon hear Eric on the P.A. making a Zack Morris-type announcement about school letting out early. After Eric leaves the office, Zack lets him know that he’s impressed. Eric tells Zack that at his school he would be a puppy. Slater chuckles and Eric asks if he’s Zack’s trainer. Ha! This guy is great. Eric is thoroughly unimpressed when Zack tells him that they have math class together and walks off to class where he sees Lisa and takes the stalker bit a little too far: chasing her around the room asking for a date. Class finally starts and the teacher announces that since he’s Jewish, he’ll be celebrating Rosh Hashanah the next day. He wants all of the Jewish students to raise their hands so he can excuse them. A menorah goes off over Zack’s head. The Dodgers-Mets game is the next day. You get the idea.

The next evening, Eric and Screech settle into Jessie’s room to watch a tape of the baseball game. Just as Screech asks if it’s alright to be in Jessie’s room, she breezes in with a towel on her head and around her body. So…she doesn’t have a robe? She complains about them being in her room, but she eventually just snatches some pink t-shirt looking thing and leaves. While watching the game, Screech points out Zack catching a fly ball and proceeds to tell the story of Zack’s pseudo-religious conversion. Eric says, with a smirk, that he won’t let the tape fall into the wrong hands.

At school, Zack strolls down the steps tossing around his baseball. He sees Eric at his locker and tells him to move. With some bass in his voice, I might add. Well as much bass as Mark-Paul Gosselaar could muster. The bass quickly fades when Eric blackmails Zack out of his locker and ball in return for his silence about the game. In the Max, Jessie’s complaining about Eric and Kelly tells her to get over it. Geez, Kelly. Not everyone was born into a ready-made football team. Get a grip. The guys come in and Slater asks Jessie if he should still come over later to study. She says yes blah blah blah the guys leave blah blah Screech tells Slater what happened with Zack, Eric and the videotape blah blah blah who cares.

Later, in Jessie’s room, Slater tells her that she didn’t need help with her homework. Jessie knows, but she just wanted to be kept from the “teenaged terrorist.” Uh. How about you just go elsewhere. Or close the door. Slater decides he has to go and as Jessie closes her door after him to reveal a pair of framed jeans. What the hell? Jessie twirls around like an idiot and is unaware of Eric entering her room until he throws a jacket in front of her. Eric announces that he’s moving into her room since he’s audiotaped Jessie and Slater’s “study” session, which included Slater urging Jessie to stay away from his neck. Jessie has Eric cornered, but is somehow unable to get the tape from him. He tells her that he’ll play the tape on the P.A. if she doesn’t give up her room. Jessie concedes, but only for the night, telling Eric he’s gonna be in big trouble the next day. Now, I’m thinking she’s gonna tell her parents, but no. She tells Slater, who is roughing Eric up the next day for the tape. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can be expelled for physical threats. Good one, Slater. Eric gives Slater the tape, but then smirks about having 20 more copies. In exchange for his silence, he wants to borrow Slater’s car for the hot date he’s working on. Slater agrees, but takes his frustration out on a locker. Zack and Kelly come around the corner just in time to witness Slater punching school property. Kelly’s disgusted by the way everyone’s treating Eric. Hey, if memory serves me correctly, she was more than a little frosty herself. As Kelly flounces off, Belding comes up and takes Zack and Slater to see the sports car he bought for his wife. Outside, we see that Mr. Belding is obviously a pimp or a drug lord because there’s no way he could afford that on a principal’s salary. In fact, there’s no way Dennis Haskins could afford that on his SBTB salary. Anywho, Mr. B. wants Slater to install a CD player. When Slater starts to decline, Zack throws in one of those long lost “time-out”s. Oh, God. You gotta love this show. Zack says…something…I guess and then times-in and accepts on Slater’s behalf. Later at the Max, Zack offers Lisa front row tickets to the MC Hammer concert if she goes out with Eric. Wait. MC Hammer. MC!!! Ha ha. OK, I’m done. Lisa agrees and the next time Eric sees Lisa he asks her to the movies. I’m sorry, but this kid is cute. Why was Lisa giving him such a hard time? Lisa agrees, as I would have awhile ago.

The next evening, Slater gives Eric Mrs. Belding’s car keys and instructions on dropping the car back off at the school. Later at the Max, Lisa is clearly enjoying herself with Eric, discussing the movie they’ve just seen, Casablanca. Lisa has never seen it and neither have I. And I’m not itching to after hearing these horrible accents Eric is using to quote the movie. Eric tries to be smooth by asking Lisa to wear his class ring while imitating Bogart. Or whoever’s in the movie. Um…he moves pretty quickly. Lisa does a spit take and laughs nervously as Eric moves from the seat across from her to the one beside her. Lisa expresses that he’s different from what she thought. Eric explained that he’d never met anyone like her and he thought he had to come on strong. So…he’d never met a black chick before? ‘Cause that was the only thing he could gather from her before he started harassing her. OK, maybe I wouldn’t have gone out with him. Then Eric sweetens up and tells her that this was the first time he hadn’t missed New York. Aww.

Cut to Screech, Zack and Slater talking behind some bushes. They pop up and Zack explains to Screech that all he has to do is get a clear shot of Eric driving Mrs. Belding’s car. Great. Cut to Lisa driving Mrs. Belding’s car with Eric pressed up on her. Lisa asks if he’s sure that his friend doesn’t mind her driving his car. Eric tells her to relax because nothing could really happen in an empty parking lot…except him kissing her goodnight. She doesn’t think that would be so bad. In her giddiness, she forgot to ask, “And exactly how am I supposed to get home after we leave this car in the parking lot?” As Lisa pulls into the lot, the flash from Screech’s camera startles her and she crashes. But I really don’t see how that could have happened. Instead of braking, she put her foot on the gas? That doesn’t even make sense. But now we know Lisa’s a sucky driver. What happens next? Oh, this sordid story is only beginning…


Quote of the episode:
Zack: Nice stunt on the P.A.
Eric: Who are you?
Zack: I'm Zack Morris. You can say when it comes to scams I'm top dog.
Eric: In my school you'd just be a puppy.
Slater: Oooh.
Eric: And who's this? Your trainer?

Kia: B-. This episode focused a bit too much on Jessie for my taste, but Eric is great. I love the witty comebacks. Plus, Zack has tickets to the M.C. Hammer concert. Just think about that for awhile.

2:40 PM

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