The Saved by the Bell Blog

2011-09-13T15:20:00.003-05:00

Rage before booty

Zack walks into Bayside wearing Screech's Arabian Nights costume. But this time they haven't struck oil; he's trying to throw girls off his scent until he can determine who Kelly is asking to the "Girls' Choice" dance. (I guess the name Sadie Hawkins was trademarked or something.) After witnessing Zack and Slater's veritable pissing contest over her, Kelly seems to enjoy it and therefore decides to put her decision off for a little while longer.

Later in an empty classroom, Zack is plying Lisa with magazines and pumping her for intel. It seems current polling has Zack and Slater tied, with Rodney Carter ("if his face clears up") as the dark horse. Hmm, if I were Kelly, I think I'd skip the dance altogether rather than have to pick from these less-than-savory choices. Zack attempts to get more info out of Lisa with a bribe of Bon Jovi tickets, but quickly revokes them when that well turns out to be dry.

But all hope is not lost—later at the Max, as Zack and Slater are bragging about how many girls they've turned down (so I guess Zack has given up the disguises now?), Lisa waltzes in to let Jessie know that Kelly is in for their slumber party. Slater offers to turn up in his nightie, curlers and pimple cream (of course he does) and is quickly rebuffed, but Zack is not so easily deterred. He tries to get Jessie and Lisa to agree to out Kelly's secret (i.e., who she's taking to the dance) post-slumber party, but no dice. He should've coughed up the Bon Jovi tickets again—I bet Lisa would've gone for it.

So, onto Plan B: bugging Jessie's room. Good thing Zack has a 24-hour all-access pass via the tree outside her window. Screech is a bit hesitant about this plan (although it seems to me that the ideal time for hesitation would have been before they snuck into Jessie's room), but once he's reminded that he'll get to hear Lisa's innermost thoughts, all fears of revoked library cards are immediately quashed. While Zack sits on Jessie's loveseat stroking a gigantic rag doll (yeah, I don't know), Screech plants the bug. Unfortunately, Jessie starts up the stairs as he's putting on the finishing touches, and he gets tossed out the window, while Zack dives under the bed. He acquires a pantyhose hat, but is able to scurry out of the room undetected.

Later that night, Screech and Zack are listening in on the slumber-party conversation, as Lisa and Kelly wax poetic about their love for Michael Jackson and Dennis Quaid, respectively. Dude, seriously? I was like 9 when this came out, so I'm hardly an expert, but there HAD to be hotter guys to choose from in the late '80s. Anyway, Random Brunette Extra cuts to the chase and asks Kelly who she's taking to the dance. Kelly muses that "there's something mysterious about A.C. Slater, but Zack Morris is kind of cute in a playful way." Why is she using their full names? We all know who she's talking about. Anyway, Kelly says that if pressed, she'd probably pick Zack. This causes a celebration next door so excessive that the girls are immediately on guard. Zack tries to pass it off as cheering for the Lakers, but Lakers fan extraordinaire Kelly knows there's not a game that night, and therefore the girls aren't fooled...especially not when they find the wire for the bug.

After smothering the microphone under a pillow, Jessie gets up on her soapbox (because apparently we can't have an episode without Jessie's soapbox) about privacy violation. Dude, it's not Big Brother here, it's Zack freaking Morris. Lisa and Kelly seem to agree—Lisa thinks it's romantic (I wouldn't go that far), and Kelly thinks they should get even (that's more like it). After a quick pow-wow, the girls gather around the microphone and, in the most stagey way possible, reveal their deepest, darkest secrets. After Lisa's fake tale of shoplifting lipstick is dismissed as boring, Kelly "reveals" that she suffers from attraction-induced rage blackouts. Before she can detail exactly how she dismembers her intended, Jessie cuts the wire, leaving Zack freaking out. He says there's probably nothing to worry about, but Screech cites Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling and gives him a good-bye hug.

The next day at school, Screech has come dressed like Michael Jackson, breathy voice and all. (Opening line: "I'm not like other boys." Seriously, why is Michael Jackson still Lisa's dream man? I could maybe see it during the Thriller years, but we were veering into pedophile territory by this point.) Anyway, Lisa tells Screech to get lost, but as he moonwalks away, he's nabbed by Mr. Belding, who cites him for a dress-code violation. So I guess the Bayside dress code has a no-sequins clause?

Jessie appears in the hall and, after giving Random Redhead Extra a surreptitious thumbs-up for no discernible reason (since Random Redhead Extra doesn't appear to be involved in this scheme at all), she intercepts Zack and spins some yarn about how she had to spend the whole weekend taking care of Kelly after the fallout of her latest rage incident. Jessie takes her leave (giving another thumbs-up on the way out to Random Brunette Extra, who also appears to have no role in the scheme, so maybe Jessie just likes to play it fast and loose with the thumbs-ups), and Slater wheels up in a wheelchair, his entire leg in a cast. If I were Zack, I might be suspicious that the cast appears to have been applied over Slater's pants, but I guess he's too freaked out at this point to notice. Slater lets it slip that Kelly beat him up, then tells Zack to be careful, because Kelly likes him even more. Slater doesn't even wait until he's out of sight to start smirking, but again, Zack's too freaked out to notice.

Cut to Belding's office, where Zack is digging through his files to find dirt on Kelly. I'm surprised Belding leaves his door unlocked when he knows Zack Morris is afoot. Anyway, it seems Kelly's file contains a diploma from the Riverside Home for the Criminally Insane. Ruh-roh! Belding walks in, and instead of sending Zack straight to detention for being in his office unattended, he listens (albeit while laughing hysterically) as Zack begs him to save him from Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski. "It's like Fatal Attraction—she loves me, and she wants to kill me," Zack pleads. I think that's oversimplifying the plot of Fatal Attraction, but whatever. Belding assures Zack that there's probably nothing to worry about—unless, of course, she's been institutionalized. Dun, dun, dun. Wait, so is Belding in on this, too?

Later, in health class, Zack is distracted from today's lesson of "The Colon: Your Friend for Life" by a note from Kelly, telling him that he can run but he can't hide. (Zack also doesn't seem to notice Lisa openly smirking at him from the next seat, like seriously, could the gang be any less subtle about this? Geez.) As the bell rings, Lisa distracts him by shoving his books and papers off the desk, and soon, the only ones in the room are Zack, his wad of pink notebook paper (really?), Kelly and a Louisville slugger. Zack nervously backs away from Kelly, although I can't tell if he's more scared of the bat or her high-waisted plaid Hammer pants and raging split ends. She chases Zack around the room with the bat, declaring her love for him, but he manages to evade her. As soon as she gets one of her telltale headaches, he begs out of the dance and books it out of the room.

At the dance, we see that upon rebuffing Kelly, Zack has accepted a date with Rhonda, the shot-put record-holder who's been stalking him for most of the episode. By the way she's whipping him around the dance floor, it seems to me that Rhonda could do a lot more damage than Kelly "The Killer," but I guess Zack's willing to take his chances. Kelly arrives with Slater, whose cast is now over a different pair of pants, which I'd think would be an immediate tip-off, but it's not until Kelly pulls out the bug and comes clean that Zack realizes he's been had. Speaking of being had, it seems Rhonda's not quite done with him yet—she grabs him and plants a forceful good-night kiss on him. Hmm, I sense she has a future with the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: Mr. Belding, my life is being threatened by one of your students.
Belding: Just one? You're losing your touch.

Grade
Clare: A-. Not that I don't enjoy it when the tables are turned on Zack, but the gang has a few things to learn about running a proper scam. How Zack didn't pick up on their open smirking and needless "secret" signals is beyond me.

2011-08-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Hawaii lame-o

We begin with an unusually long establishing shot of a skeleton in biology class. Pay attention, kids—you know what they say about the skeleton introduced in the first act. Anyway, Lisa comes into class, all aflutter because local DJ "Rappin' Ken Kelly" is at the Max, and he's giving away two tickets to Hawaii to the tenth caller. Fortunately, Zack is armed with his giant cell phone (which is sitting out on the desk, presumably because it's too large to be stashed away anywhere), and he plans to warm it up by securing a date to Hawaii. Because what parent of a high-school-age girl wouldn't jump at the chance to send her halfway across the globe with a member of the opposite sex?

While Zack's chatting up "Gretchen," Belding walks in and announces he'll be substitute teaching today. Those budget cuts are rough, eh, Richie? Belding explains that the regular bio teacher is having emergency surgery, just as Zack is laughing hysterically at something his lady-friend has said. Belding is somehow unable to see the giant cell phone attached to Zack's ear and expresses shock at Zack's response. Zack helpfully clarifies that he was talking to the person on the phone, earning himself a terse reminder of the no-cell-phones-on-school-property rule. Zack doesn't care, though, because he's got a plan to win the trip to Hawaii.

Cut to the Max, where Zack and Screech are wearing hard hats and fake mustaches, pretending to be phone-company employees. Despite the less-than-professional phone logo adorning their yellow jumpsuits, Rappin' Ken Kelly assumes they are legit and gives them free rein to tinker with the phone lines. Of course, we're talking about a guy who talks in a DJ voice even when he's not actively DJing, so perhaps it's not surprising that he so easily fell prey to a Zack Morris scam.

Despite nearly shocking himself, Screech manages to get the phone lines intercepted so that they ring directly to him...crouched underneath a booth. Yeah, because that's not obvious. Also, I always assumed that there was a wall on the other side of the Max booths, but now we find out that's not the case. Is the Max actually much bigger than we ever imagined? I feel misled.

Anyway, Screech starts intercepting callers, dismissing everyone (including Lisa and Tori, and I assume Slater, since we saw him standing by a pay phone earlier) until Zack gets through. So I guess we're to assume that Ken & Co. have already taken calls one through nine, then? Yeah, that long pause before caller ten isn't suspicious at all. To his credit, Rappin' Ken Kelly does start to express some disbelief, but before he can check out the phone lines and uncover Screech's not-so-secret hiding place, Zack is patched through. He's caller number ten, but he's still got one more hoop to jump through—he's got to be at the Max at 4 to answer some trivia questions. Which could be a problem, since ol' Richie busts Zack talking on his cell phone on school property (why didn't he just take it across the street, since clearly no one is expected to be in class at this time?) and escorts him to detention.

In detention, Belding is going all Mr. Myagi on a bonsai tree while Zack watches. Zack excuses himself to go to the bathroom, but instead heads to the locker room, where he offers Slater a free trip to Hawaii in exchange for a favor. One would assume Zack is not giving up his own ticket to Hawaii, and therefore Slater will be joining him on this romantic vacation (presumably while wearing a mini grass skirt, if his enthusiastic reaction when Zack mentions them is any indication). All he has to do is pretend to be injured so that Zack can pretend to take him to the hospital and get out of detention. Unfortunately, Ox comes along and ruins the whole thing, outing Slater as a faker, which means he can say good-bye to his romantic trip with Zack and hello to detention.

Time for plan B: Zack sees Tori and Lisa walking by and, via paper airplane, makes them the same offer he made Slater. Wait, I thought there were only two tickets to Hawaii in this deal. How can Tori and Lisa both go? It doesn't really matter, because they are even worse scammers than Slater (next time you call the principal pretending to be someone's mom, Tori, I'd suggest not using the phone five feet away from him) and are also given detention for their trouble.

Fortunately, Zack remembers Belding's notoriously weak stomach and begins taunting him with the cow brains and frog intestines trapped in jars of formaldehyde at the back of the room, sending Belding racing for the bathroom. Zack retrieves his phone and calls Screech, giving him a "crash course on Hawaii" (how long was Belding in the bathroom, anyway?) so that Screech can pretend to be Zack for the trivia contest. You know what that means—break out the blond wig! Screech saunters into the Max, and we see that he has not gotten much more successful at being Zack Morris since his last attempt. Ken somehow ignores all the stares of disbelief from the random extras and asks Screech/Zack what's the first thing he'll do when he gets to Hawaii. This is enough to stump Screech, and he runs off to get the answer from the real Zack, who is listening incredulously on his Walkman.

In detention, Belding won't let Screech talk to Zack, so he calls Belding a doofus to earn the right to stay in the room. Zack is not amused, and points out to Screech the fallacy of his plan. Having exhausted his entire supply of friends, Zack turns to the only person left for help—his buddy Skeletor. While Screech distracts Belding with bonsai-trimming advice, the gang dresses up the skeleton in Zack's hoodie and Screech's blond wig. Meanwhile, the real Zack makes a break for the Max, where he proceeds to annoyingly answer Ken Kelly's trivia questions with way more information than necessary.

Back in detention, Screech has pruned the bonsai of all of its leaves, and Belding finally notices "Zack" dozing away in the back of the class. Despite the gang's pathetic attempts to dissuade him, Belding goes to wake "Zack" up and ends up dislodging Skeletor's head from his body, which causes Belding to scream like a girl. OK, that was pretty funny.

Back at the Max, it's time for Zack's final trivia question, which is convolutedly about bonsai trees. Because Zack spent most of his time in detention figuring out how to get out of it, he can't come up with the name of the trees, so Ken Kelly decides to award the trip to the next person who walks through the door and can answer the question...which of course is Belding. He's thrilled to have a replacement anniversary gift for Mrs. B (and I'm sure Mrs. B is thrilled to be getting a trip to Hawaii instead of some stupid miniature tree). Zack is less than thrilled that the only trip he ended up with is another all-expenses-paid vacation to detention.

–Clare

Quote of the episode
"What are you doing—landscaping for the Barbie mansion?" –Zack, to Belding

Grade
Clare: C+. This episode was basically a retread of Cut Day, and not a very entertaining one at that. (Who thought I'd actually miss Grahamdhi and his burnt-sienna pants?) It does get a plus, however, for the pure entertainment value of Belding's girly scream when he thought he'd beheaded Zack.

2011-08-16T13:08:00.002-05:00

Not so hot for teacher

Jessie welcomes us to a student assembly by announcing the cancellation of the talent show, due to the untimely death by termites of Muffin Sangria's ventriloquist dummy. Man, Muffin Sangria just cannot catch a break on this show! After everyone has laughed about this for way longer than is warranted, Zack (who, once again, despite having no discernible leadership role at Bayside, is helping to preside over the assembly) introduces Slater, who pimps the upcoming football championship with Valley.

Finally, it's Belding's turn to announce the winners of student-teacher week slots. Apparently the only classes at Bayside are foreign languages (clearly they're not picky about which ones), English, math, history, and gym. What about economics? Or drama? Or completely implausible science? Anyway, Kelly is named as the history teacher, which is handy because she's just decided that it's her life's calling to be a teacher. Screech and Lisa are put in charge of gym—based on what qualifications, I don't know. Seriously, why are the writers occasionally trying to make Sporty Lisa happen? Is it because Lark Voorhies loves wearing spandex so much? Zack, meanwhile, is being made to eat the words of his essay (verbatim: "Why be a teacher when you can be principal? It's the easiest job in the world; you don't do anything. Ask Belding."), and he and Richie are switching roles, Freaky Friday-style.

Later at the Max, after Kelly waxes poetic about the joys of teaching, Zack lays out his plan for effective principal-ing, namely enlarging the peepholes in the girls' locker room. Eh, I suppose it's no worse than blackmailing your students, although I am surprised that Kelly, Jessie and Lisa raise no objections whatsoever to the presence of locker-room peepholes.

The next day in class, Slater is at the blackboard, reviewing football plays with his teammates. I'll spare you the inane dialogue that ensues. Teacher Kelly enters and immediately gets her bitch on, telling Slater to call her Ms. Kapowski and take his seat. After an awkward introduction, she starts grilling the class on facts about World Wars I and II, during which she nearly gets slapped in the face by Jessie and her heil-Hitler-style hand-raising. Kelly finally tells Jessie to quit sucking up and asks Slater for the answers, which earns her nothing more than a couple of wisecracks. The other football players, Bull and Ox, don't know the answers either. What I don't know is why all the football extras are named after barnyard animals. Kelly's bitching...er, teaching is interrupted by an announcement from Principal Zack, who calls two bimbos from history class to his office.

In Belding's office, we see that Zack has wasted no time in plastering it with Paula Abdul and LL Cool J posters. Heh. Nor does he waste any time hitting on Heather and Gina, the two bimbos he's called into his office. Man, I think Heather's even dumber than Ox, if that's possible. Can someone fix them up and send them far, far away from here? Once the bimbos take their leave, Belding enters, wearing a Texas tuxedo (I figured he would've gone for a hideous JC Penney sweater for his Zack transformation), to get his date book. When he starts rifling through his desk, Zack sends him straight to detention.

Up next on the principal docket is Slater, who's come in to complain that Kelly has the audacity to give her class a test when the football championship is right around the corner. Call me crazy, but if this test was scheduled before Kelly took over the class, wouldn't Slater have already known about it and therefore already been studying for it? Anyway, at the very mention of the word "test," Zack calls Kelly into his office and feeds her some bull about how he wants students to be free to learn without the pressure of tests. Apparently Kelly learned nothing about Zack in all those years of dating him, and totally buys this load of crap. In fairness to Kelly, Zack was pretty convincing here, although I think that's due in large part to the suit he's wearing.

Case in point: Jessie, without the benefit of witnessing Zack in the suit, sees right through this whole no-test scam. However, Kelly (whose earnestness is really just off-the-charts annoying in this episode) continues to defend Zack—until Slater and the other football players, upon hearing about the cancellation of the test, let it slip about the scam. Pissed (but not too pissed to deliver her message in the form of a cheer), Kelly declares the test to be back on.

The next day in history class, we see that all of the football players have skipped the test. Big Pete asks why the rest of the class should have to take the test if the football players don't have to. Kelly says it's because they care more about their education. Wrong! The correct answer would be, "Because anyone who doesn't take the test gets an automatic F." Does Kelly know nothing about teaching?! Anyway, without the impending threat of failure looming over their heads, the rest of the class books, too—including Jessie, who cites the lack of a curve as her reason for leaving. Very few tests I took in school were actually graded on a curve, so this excuse seems flimsy at best. Belding, on the lam from detention, wanders into Kelly's class and sees that it is devoid of students. Instead of offering her a little advice on coercion, he simply tells her to take the matter up with Zack.

Already in the midst of an argument, Kelly and Slater storm into Zack's office, interrupting a rousing game of paddle ball (so it seems Zack's essay about principals doing nothing was at least partially correct). Anyway, once Zack hears that Kelly has violated his no-test policy, he immediately lays into her about how disappointed he is. She flips the script on him and says that she used to believe in him as a boyfriend, friend and principal, but it turns out she was wrong. Again, I'm not sure which Zack Morris Kelly has been acquainted with all these years, but it definitely isn't the master scam artist the rest of us know and love.

Zack calls Belding into his office and attempts to resign as principal, but Belding is having way too much fun rearranging pencils, mooning crossing guards and blowing straw wrappers at people to give up his week of being Zack Morris. Again, Richie is minimally helpful in the advice department, and merely tells Zack that being principal isn't about making friends. What happened to "the last three letters of principal are P-A-L?" I know I've heard him trot that one out before.

Later at the pep rally, Kelly, Jessie and Lisa are performing an unusually violent cheer that includes the phrase "Bite 'em in the head." I suspect Jessie is behind this one. When—and more importantly, why—did they let her back on the squad? Anyway, after Screech (who is also apparently the football coach now?) and Slater deliver some rousing words, Zack takes the mike and rains on everyone's parade by saying that the football players who cut the history test are suspended, effective immediately. Wait, aren't the nerds, bimbos and Jessie suspended as well? That seems unfair.

Post-suspension, Zack and Kelly are throwing a pity party in Zack's office when they're interrupted by an angry mob (led by Lisa and Screech) breaking the door down. Despite threats of violence from the football team, Zack stands firm on his position, telling Slater that his first duty at Bayside is to get an education. Unlike Zack, whose first duty is to run as many scams as possible in the span of four years. Anyway, Slater finally backs down and apologizes to Kelly, and the angry mob disperses. Kelly laments the fact that she was never able to give the test, since she bought little smiley-face stickers and everything. What grade does she think she's teaching here, exactly? Then again, given what we know of the oh-so-challenging nature of Bayside's history curriculum, perhaps smiley-face stickers are appropriate. Anyway, Zack hatches a plan for the players to make up the test during the game, which is starting in half an hour. Again, are the rest of the test-skippers not going to be held accountable for their actions? Whatever.

During the test, Screech keeps running in with hints to test answers thinly veiled as game updates. Finally, after Kelly threatens his life (there sure is a lot of violence in this episode), he takes off for good. We see the football players huddled around Kelly's desk, waiting for her to grade the tests. Wait, I thought their playing in the game was only contingent upon them taking the test, not passing it. It seems unfair to make them hang around while Kelly doles out her smiley-face stickers, especially since Bayside is getting creamed by Valley in the meantime. It doesn't really matter anyway, since, as Zack tells us over some stock footage of, like, the San Francisco 49ers, once Slater and the other players rejoined the game, Bayside made a miraculous comeback and won, 28-21. Go Tigers?

—Clare

Quote of the episode
Belding: "I just came to get my date book."
Zack: "You shouldn't be dating; you're married."

Grade
Clare: C. Zack and Belding's Freaky Friday antics were somewhat amusing (well, until Zack started getting all serious about being a principal), but take that away and you're left with bitchy/earnest Kelly and a football-driven plot. I'll pass.

2011-07-13T21:36:00.002-05:00

Indian bummer

The gang and the requisite 12 extras—half of whom are wearing standard-issue Bayside tracksuits—burst into the Max, cheering for Zack, who has apparently just kicked ass at a track meet. Among the tracksuit wearers are Jessie, Lisa and Slater, which I guess means they're on the track team, too. Seriously? Well, I guess that at least explains how Lisa did so well in the Malibu Sands obstacle course, although it still doesn't answer the question of why Slater did so poorly.

Anyway, talk turns to the latest project for Miss Wentworth's class, which is researching your family tree. Lisa reveals that her great-great-great-great grandfather was a slave, which appears to shock the gang, even though I'm pretty sure they know Lisa is black. Slater's ancestors were bullfighters, which explains where he gets his penchant for flamboyant outfits. Jessie's ancestors are dead, and that's all she's saying. I wish that's all she'd say for the entire episode, but alas, we are not to be that lucky. Zack has no idea who his ancestors are (aside from Adam and Eve) because, predictably, he has not given a single thought to this project yet.

But he's in luck, because a giant antique trunk has mysteriously appeared at the foot of his bed, and in it is a photo of a Native American chief (or possibly Screech's Aunt Hannah, depending on who you ask). Based on something his mom might have mentioned once, Zack intuits that this must be his ancestor, and thus his project research is complete.

The next day in class, Lisa is giving a presentation about her ancestor, who helped free other slaves on the Underground Railroad. She even has a map of the Underground Railroad as a visual aid. Very impressive! Not so impressive is Jessie, who, under extreme duress, slurs that her ancestors were seafaring people who sailed around the world the end. With some prodding from Miss Wentworth, she finally admits that her ancestors were slave traders, and immediately starts genuflecting to Lisa, who's basically like, "Um, hello, idiot? I'm not a slave, and you're not a slave trader. Shut up!" Unfortunately, despite being reaffirmed by Miss Wentworth, this message doesn't quite get through to Jessie the first time. (Or the second or third or 10th or 20th. Dear God, here we go.)

Next up is Zack, who uses Screech as his visual aid, painting him in lipstick warpaint and giving him a tomahawk that he uses to chop up Miss Wentworth's apple. Unsurprisingly, Miss Wentworth is not too happy with Zack's totally offensive presentation (though, blantant racism aside, it really wasn't that much worse than Jessie's), especially when he tries to claim that Burbank is the ancestral home of the Cherokee tribe. She keeps him after class and chides him for being disrespectful, then orders him to go see a friend of hers so that he can prepare a real presentation by Friday, or else the big track championship against Valley is off the table.

Said friend turns out to be Chief Henry, an aging Native American surfer dude who, as far as I can tell, lives in Zack's garage, which the producers have attempted to disguise with some bookshelves, a couch, and a desk. Zack cuts right to the chase: He only needs enough info on the dude in the photo to make Miss Wentworth happy, and he doesn't have time to chat. Chief Henry loads him up with a stack of books randomly pulled off his bookshelf, one of which I'm pretty sure is a dictionary, and sends Zack on his not-so-merry way.

Zack has toted the stack of books all the way to Belding's office, I guess for dramatic effect, which seems like a whole lot of unnecessary effort to me. However, it appears to have the desired effect on Belding, who, for the first and only time in recorded history, takes Zack's side without being scammed into it and calls Miss Wentworth into his office to ask her to give Zack an extension. Considering that Zack's project was due yesterday, hasn't he already gotten an extension? Oh, and apparently he already had a month to work on the project in the first place. Miss Wentworth points this out, and lays down the law again: No project, no track meet.

Zack has no choice but to crack the books, which he's doing the next day at the Max. Having already finished their projects, Slater, Jessie, and Lisa decamp to another booth, where Jessie offers to buy Lisa a soda and a salad to make up for her ancestors' slave-trading. Because nothing says reparations like lettuce and an ice-cold Coke! Geez, at least spring for a burger and a milkshake. As Jessie continues to try to apologize for something she didn't do, Slater tries to work the groveling to his favor and is told, "Mind your own business, bull killer." He corrects Jessie that it's "bullfighter." What exactly does Slater think happens at the end of a bullfight? Anyway, Lisa agrees to let Jessie take her to the mall, although she doesn't seem sold on Jessie's proposed idea that she carry Lisa on her back. Yeah, I'd say that's going to be awkward for everyone involved.

Zack has located the photo of his ancestor in one of Chief Henry's books, so he heads back to his garage...er, Chief Henry's apartment to get the full scoop. Chief Henry tells Zack that the story of his ancestor isn't in any book. So why'd he give Zack half of his bookshelf, then? Also, how do we know Chief Henry's not just pulling this story out of his ass? Anyway, he spins some tale for Zack about his mighty warrior ancestor and his battles with the white man. Zack wonders why we can't all just get along. Tell it to Rodney King, dude. Anyway, apparently Chief Henry, using the mad beading skillz he picked up at UCLA, has made a special beaded headband for his buddy "Running Zack." Zack is touched, and blows off track practice to head with Henry to the beach and hear more about his ancestors.

The next day in class, Screech has donned his terrible Italian accent to tell us about his ancestor, a "dashing, debonair Italian lover and spy." Uh-huh. This goes on for way too long, so let's just say that Screech's attempts to hit on Lisa and another random extra during his presentation make it clear that none of his ancestor's skills with the ladies were passed down to this generation (though he does seem to make some inroads with Miss Wentworth...but I'm not sure that counts, since we all know how desperate she is).

Zack is up next, but he's not in his seat, which no one seems to have noticed until now. However, that's just because he's making another dramatic entrance, this time in full Native American chief regalia, which elicits a bunch of eye-rolls from his fellow classmates. However, by the end of the presentation, they are totally enraptured by Zack's tale of Chief Whispering Wind and how he surrendered to the white man to save his people. Also enamored is Miss Wentworth, who gives Zack the green light to go forth and run. Unfortunately, when Zack calls Chief Henry to give him the good news, he is informed by Chief Henry's...uh, social secretary (I have no idea who this person on the phone might be, given that the Chief is divorced and appears to live alone in Zack's garage) that Henry kicked the bucket that morning. You know, despite the fact that he was healthy enough to boogie board the day before. Perhaps it was a shark attack that did him in?

Later, everyone's at the Max for a pep rally, during which all the members of the gang who are on the track team get to make a speech, including Slater in a pair of way-too-short shorts and Lisa "Flo Jo" Turtle (whatever), who has ditched the tracksuit for an outfit from the Get Down and Go For It video for the occasion. Lisa also gets her own special cheer from Kelly, the lone cheerleader holding it down at this meager excuse for a pep rally. I thought Zack was the star of the track team, not Lisa? Alas, Zack is nowhere to be found, a fact that, again, no one notices for an inexplicably long time.

It turns out Zack is still in Miss Wentworth's class, mourning the death of his "close friend," Chief Henry. Uh, Zack, I hate to be the one to point this out, but you met the man two days ago and have spent a grand total of a couple of hours in his presence. Still, he is shaken enough that he tells Kelly he can't run in the track meet the next day.

That is, until Chief Henry visits him from the afterlife in a dream. I have to say, death really agrees with Chief Henry, or at least with his wardrobe—his standard ratty T-shirt and leather vest have been replaced with a white suit. (I'm willing to overlook the turquoise bolo tie; the guy is dead, after all.) After some chit-chat about the perks of death and the outcome of Zack's project, Chief Henry leaves Zack with the cryptic message that the answer to his problem (i.e., whether to run in the track meet or not) is in his hands. Hey, good thing Zack happened to fall asleep clutching his beaded headband, as it seems to tell him what he needs to know.

The next day in the hall, Jessie again is attempting to make up for her ancestors' wrongdoings, this time offering to pave Lisa's parents' driveway. Personally, I'd like to see that, but Lisa's holding out for a car. When Jessie says that's crazy, Lisa's all, "And you offering to carry me to the mall on your back wasn't, nutcase?" Finally, when Lisa threatens her with physical violence if she doesn't back off, Jessie blessedly shuts up.

Meanwhile, Belding is attempting to rally the troops, who are none too happy that their star runner has gone AWOL. Ah, but Zack's not finished with his dramatic entrances for this episode, and he makes one more in his tracksuit behind Belding, which elicits a loud cheer from the group. As they all file off to the meet, Kelly asks Zack what changed his mind. He shows us the back of his headband, which Chief Henry embossed with the words "Beat Valley." God, that guy must be a trip in the SBTB Bermuda Triangle!

Quote of the episode:
Zack: My ancestors? Adam and Eve!
Screech: I didn't know Adam and Eve's last name was Morris!

Grade
Clare: C-. Look, it's bad enough when Zack has to learn a Very Important Lesson, but it's even worse when someone has to DIE for him to do it. Wouldn't another dance have sufficed? Also, it's a high threshold to meet, but I think Jessie may be at her most annoying in this episode.

2011-03-08T11:08:00.001-06:00

Teenagers & Tiaras

The students of Bayside are gathering in a heretofore-unseen auditorium for an assembly that's being led by...Zack? Did I miss something? Was he reinstated as student-council president? Mr. Belding and Jessie are also on stage, but it's Zack who kicks off the assembly with the results of the principal-popularity poll; apparently, Belding's stock is plummeting. Despite the fact that this claim is not backed up with data of any kind, but rather just a red line that Zack has drawn on some enlarged graph paper, Belding seems rather upset about his dwindling popularity. But we don't have time to dwell on that, because Belding soon introduces the real purpose of this episode: the Miss Bayside pageant. Predictably, Jessie wastes no time hopping up on her soapbox, decrying pageants as sexist, but no one wants to hear it. Including me.

Oh, but we're going to hear it, as Jessie is holding court on the same topic later at the Max. Although Kelly sagely points out that even Geraldine Ferraro and Sandra Day O'Connor have to wear bathing suits to go swimming (Ruth Bader Ginsberg is debatable), she manages to be convinced by Jessie's pseudo-feminist rant and agrees not only to not enter the pageant but also to help Jessie make picket signs. Lisa is not having it, though, because she's a smart girl and knows this is her chance to shine with both Kelly and Jessie out of the way. She resists the advances of Stage Mom Extraordinaire Zack Morris, whose pageant expertise amounts to having every beauty pageant ever televised on tape, including "Miss U-Haul." Um, can we please watch that instead of Jessie and her tiresome attempts at "politics"? Slater expresses doubt about Zack's pageant-mom abilities, saying, "You know as much about beauty pageants as I do about wearing pantyhose." So...a lot? Zack bets him $50 that he can turn anyone into Miss Bayside, and agrees to let Slater pick the contestant. Rookie mistake, Morris. Slater does a once-over of the Max and comes up with...Screech.

Zack is less than thrilled, but a bet is a bet, so he's got to make the most of it. While studying in Screech's room, Zack breaks the news to him that he's the next Miss Bayside. Screech lets Zack in on the fact that he's a guy, but Zack, clutching a copy of the Miss Bayside rules, says there's nothing in the rules that says a guy can't enter the pageant. I'd think the word "Miss" might imply it, but even Kevin, Screech's robot sidekick, finds merit in Zack's case. Gender aside, Screech thinks there's no way he can get the kids at school to vote for him. Wait, so the students determine the results of this pageant? Not a panel of judges whose votes are certified by a Big Four accounting firm? What kind of sham pageant is Belding running here? Anyway, Zack thinks that Screech will have no problem getting votes as long as his fellow students can see his many good qualities, although he neglects to name what those are. Instead, he tells Screech that he'll "go where no man has gone before." Screech agrees to sign up for the pageant, but I suspect that may only be because he thinks it will somehow involve him going into outer space.

The next day, Kelly and Jessie are picketing (or in Kelly's case, picket-cheerleading) outside Belding's office. He's none too happy about it, but he's even less happy when Zack comes in to register Screech for the pageant. Belding is attempting to explain the whole "Miss" concept to Zack and Screech when Jessie, who had stopped picketing to blatantly eavesdrop on the conversation, bursts in and says excluding a man from the pageant is discrimination. I think your buddies Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg might disagree with you there, Jessie. But Belding, sensing a way to put an end to the inane picket line, agrees to let Screech into the pageant.

Belding's not the only one who's not pleased about the latest Miss Bayside contestant—Lisa claims that Screech's entry is making a mockery of the pageant. Jessie disagrees, and Slater, who has popped out of nowhere to witness this conversation, senses his opportunity to stack the deck against Zack and Screech. He eggs Jessie on until she marches into Belding's office and enters the pageant herself. Then he hightails it to the Max to let Kelly know that Judas Spano has done a complete 180. Kelly's all, "Over my dead swimsuit-wearing body!" Slater's overly gelled mullet is thrilled at this turn of events. Zack, not so much, especially when Kelly informs him that he's not getting any until the pageant's over.

In the locker room, Kelly, Jessie and Lisa should probably be getting ready for gym, but instead they're standing around glaring at each other. When Jessie asks for her towel (which Kelly is folding for some reason), it provokes Kelly to throw it in her face and then lay into her for being a traitor. Damn straight! Kelly doesn't get to sit on her high horse for long, though, before Lisa's letting her have it about always stealing everyone's thunder. Catfight! My money's on Lisa. Kelly and Jessie start slapping at each other, but before we can get to any really juicy action, Lisa breaks it up by reminding them that they're all competing against Screech. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't change the fact that they're competing against each other. But apparently the absurdity of the situation is enough to get them to kiss and make up.

The next day in the auditorium, it's time for talent rehearsal. An extra named Jennie Tyler (whither Muffin Sangria?!) does a baton-twirling routine in some fierce gold boots. She's followed by Lisa, who plays a pretty sweet violin sonata. Who knew Lisa had a hidden talent? Unfortunately, she's the only girl in the gang who does. Jessie follows with some insipid performance-art piece about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly that makes my eyeballs bleed just thinking about it. Then there's Kelly, singing an off-key version of "Blue Moon." Guess she must've taken some voice lessons before she joined Hot Sundae. Screech is up next, doing a pretty decent magic show with the help of Kevin. But he's soon upstaged by the pageant's latest contestant: Slater, rocking it out on the drums. Apparently Slater realized somewhere between Butterfly Spano and Pitchy Kapowski that he was backing the wrong horses, so he decided to take advantage of the new men-welcome policy and enter the pageant himself.

Screech is a bit distraught at this latest turn of events. Moping in his room, he's consoled by Kevin, who inadvertently gives him a black eye in the process. Guess that's a hazard of having a robot as your best friend. Screech is even more dismayed now that his face has been mangled, but Zack senses a golden opportunity. The next day at school, he starts a rumor that Slater gave Screech the black eye. By the time the rumor works its way through all 12 extras, Screech is in the intensive care unit on life support.

And yet, miraculously, he's still able to make it to the Miss Bayside pageant. We start with everyone's favorite—the swimsuit competition—where the ladies model some fetching neon fashions. Well, except for Jessie, who has covered her swimsuit with a trench coat in order to make a "statement." Yawn. Slater's up next, wearing a pair of way-too-short swim trunks. He's met with a frosty reception from the audience, and no amount of muscle-flexing can sway them, so he slinks off the stage. Next up is Screech in a wresting onesie, who gets a standing ovation.

We move on to the final four (once again: Why not final five? Although I can't say I'm too upset this time, since it means Jessie and Slater have mercifully been eliminated) and the question round. After Jennie breezes by her turn (mistaking Belding's "Are you ready?" for the actual question), Kelly's up next, advocating cheerleading as a solution for world peace. I say let's send her to the Gaza Strip and see what happens. Lisa is asked whether beauty pageants are out of date, and she gives Jessie a big eff you, saying that pageants are just a way to have fun. Screech gets the final question, which is what he learned by entering the Miss Bayside pageant. For some reason, his answer is accompanied by sappy piano music, which helps to stir the heartstrings as Screech says that being cheered for by hundreds of his fellow students was awesome ("hundreds" is a bit generous, I think), but that he'll never go on to win Miss High School California, so the students should vote for someone else. It's OK, Screech! Miss High School California isn't a real pageant anyway!

The other students seem to realize this, because the next thing you know, Belding is announcing Screech as the winner, much to Kelly and Lisa's shock. If I were them, I'd also be shocked that they don't even get the courtesy of a runner-up prize. I guess that's just so Mr. Belding has time to croon the Miss Bayside anthem as Screech takes is victory lap around the stage in a fur-trimmed robe and tiara. As for Zack and Slater's bet, Slater's ready to pay up, but Zack comes clean about the rumor and waves away his money. I guess seeing Slater in short-shorts was reward enough for him.

–Clare

Quote of the episode:
Belding: You can't enter a man in the pageant!
Zack: I'm not entering a man; I'm entering Screech.

Grade:
Clare: A-. Not even Jessie's grandstanding can ruin the splendor of seeing Slater shamed off the stage while Screech is crowned Miss Bayside. Plus, that locker room kerfuffle was nothing short of magnificent—it's about time someone called Jessie on her bullshit, and I'm always a sucker for sassy Lisa.

2011-03-07T08:24:00.002-06:00

Pimp my niece

Zack is in the hallway, slurping down a Big Gulp and admiring his latest detention sentence. He's surprisingly chipper about it, but that's only because he's been chosen as Kelly's date for her birthday party that weekend. Kelly's party is apparently the social event of the season, as everyone is all a-twitter about lining up dates for it. Jessie tells us that since this is the '90s, it's acceptable for women to go to a party alone. Yes, because unescorted women were unheard of in the '70s and '80s. Slater responds to this statement with one of his usual rant-baiting sexist remarks, then comments on how cute Jessie looks when she's being all pseudo-feminist. Get a room, you two. Oh, but not yet, because Lisa's got her eye on a date for Jessie, in the form of her neighbor, Brett. (Sadly, Lisa is not neighbors with Brett and Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, which would have made this storyline much more palatable.)

Speaking of dates, Mr. Belding is cruising the halls, trying to sucker any warm body into taking out his niece, Penny, on Friday night. After most of the extras literally run away from him, he hits up Slater. Slater asks what Penny looks like, and Richie responds, "She's a Belding." Yeah, I'm not sure I'd lead with that, especially considering that, thanks to Slater's brief fantasy sequence, we can officially award Dennis Haskins the dubious honor of Least Attractive SBTB Cast Member in Drag. (And considering what we've seen of Mark-Paul Gosselaar, that's quite a feat.) Anyway, Zack and Slater bow out of the date with Penny, and while Screech is willing, Belding basically tells him, "Only if you're the last man standing." Screech runs off to buy a pager in preparation for that eventuality.

While they're chatting, Zack asks Belding to sign his detention slip, which elicits a crow from Belding about how one more detention will equal suspension. Zack quibbles with the tally, but Belding reminds him of his last infraction, which was trying to sell the school to the Japanese. Since when do foreign investors take meetings with high-school students? Anyway, Zack swears his ninth trip to detention will be his last. He seems pretty confident for a guy who was bragging about how much he gets sent to detention not five minutes before.

Cut to biology class, where Lisa starts to fill Jessie in on Brett, but gets cut short by the bell. Zack strolls in just as Mr. Hudson (who seems to enjoy talking like Daddy Warbucks for some reason) to introduce today's lesson on dominant and recessive genes. Meanwhile, Lisa's writing Jessie a note about Brett, which Zack gets caught passing. Daddy Warbucks puts him on the spot, asking what color eyes the offspring of one brown-eyed and one blue-eyed parent would have, like how is Zack supposed to know this when Daddy Warbucks never mentioned which gene was dominant and which was recessive? He advises Zack to check his notes, so Zack reads from Lisa's note: "A really cute babe with brown eyes who goes to private school." Good thing Lisa included the totally irrelevant fact of Brett's eye color in that note! We'll just assume the private-school gene is also dominant, as Daddy Warbucks lets that pass without comment. He moves on to blood type, and again catches Zack in the act of note-passing, but unfortunately Jessie is not as helpful as Lisa and has neglected to weave in any information about Brett's blood type in her response. Instead, Zack's answer to the result of combining O with AB is "I won't go out with him unless I meet him first," which earns him his 10th trip to detention.

Belding's in his office, scraping the bottom of the nerd barrel in an attempt to come up with a date for Penny when Zack walks in with his detention slip. When Belding realizes what it is, the Hallelujah Chorus echoes through the room (no, really) as he rejoices at the thought of a whole Zack Morris-free week. The jubilation is cut short by his wife, who calls to bemoan the fact that he still hasn't found a date for Penny. Why, exactly, Penny needs to be pimped out so hard by her relatives, we will never know. Anyway, it seems Zack is starting to rub off on Belding, because the next thing you know, Belding's blackmailing Zack into taking Penny out. Zack at least manages to get Belding to cough up $20 for the date. Things seem to be going pretty well for Zack until Kelly saunters up to him in the hall and breaks the news that the Max was booked on Saturday night, so the party's been moved to Friday. Ruh-roh! Also, the Max was booked? With what? Since when is it in such demand for private parties?

The next day, Zack limps in to Belding's office on crutches, his leg in a cast, and his head in some sort of...cast headband? Yeah, I'm not sure that's how they treat head injuries. Belding knows a phony cast when he sees one, and calls Zack out for running the skateboard-accident scam before. He tells Zack to pick up Penny at the mall, and to carry a red rose so he'll know who he is. How You've Got Mail of him. Perhaps Zack should carry a copy of Pride and Prejudice as well. Also, why wouldn't Belding just show Penny Zack's yearbook picture so she'd recognize him?

Meanwhile, in the girls' locker room, Jessie is still unsure about this whole blind-date thing, envisioning that Lisa might set her up with the likes of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees or Donald Trump. While I appreciate the fact that the Donald is being lumped into the same class as horror-movie villains, I'm disappointed that they failed to spring for a Trump wig for Screech in the fantasy sequence. Anyway, Jessie reaffirms that she needs to meet Brett first before she'll go out with him. I fail to see how meeting a guy for lunch is any less of a date than going with him to a party, but whatever. Lisa drops off Jessie at Brett's table at the Max, where the two commence with some of the most inane first-date banter I've ever heard. However, it seems to frost Jessie's cupcakes, because after about 90 seconds, she's inviting him to Kelly's party. He accepts, and the two start undressing each other with their eyes for an uncomfortably long time. Everything's hunky-dory until Brett gets up to leave, and we find out that he's about eye level with Jessie's boobs. Seems like a win-win for ol' Brett, but Jessie's less than thrilled and tells Lisa the date is off. Didn't we already cover Jessie's Height Issues in the Casey Kasem dance party episode? Do we really have to go through this again?

Zack drags Screech into the boys' bathroom to hatch his latest scheme, which is that Screech will pretend to be Zack and go out with Penny instead. Considering how eager Screech was to date Penny a couple days ago, it's kind of surprising that he puts up resistance to this, but he eventually acquiesces. Unfortunately, Zack still has not learned that you should always check the stalls before you do sort of any secretive plotting in the bathroom, and after he and Screech leave, Slater pops up and tells us, "It's incredible what you can hear standing on a toilet." He neglects to tell us why he was standing on the toilet in the first place.

Cut to Zack's bedroom, where he's giving Screech a lesson in Being Zack 101. Apparently, being Zack is a lot like being a Brooks Brothers runway model, as the lesson involves wearing khakis, a blue blazer and Docksiders, and walking while snapping your finger, followed by a dramatic jacket take-off and pose. Screech masters it all until the big open-the-door-and-lean-against-the-door-frame finale, which sends him careening down the stairs. This is probably a good time to wonder why, exactly, this scheme has to involve Zack and Screech dressing in matching outfits.

The next day in the hall, after an intervention by Lisa and Kelly to make Jessie realize what an idiot she's being about Brett (which involves Lisa telling Kelly she can't come to her country club because of the new "rich people only" rule, like isn't that always the rule at country clubs?), Slater sets his own scheme into motion, convincing Screech that Kelly would be heartbroken if he didn't bring Penny to the party.

At the party, Kelly and Zack are twirling around on the dance floor, while Slater's standing by the requisite bowl of red punch, already gloating over what's about to happen. Which is that Screech is going to walk in with Penny Belding who, by the way, is totally cute. Screech has embellished his standard-issue Zack outfit with a blond wig for "that extra bit of Zack-osity." We can only assume that the wildly patterned red tie he also added is for extra "Screech-osity." Anyway, Zack makes a beeline for Screech and tells him to scram.

Meanwhile, Jessie's been glued to her booth all night, refusing to dance with Brett. He's finally had enough, and goes to dance with Lisa. Using her magical matchmaking abilities, Lisa gets them to dance together. Blah, blah, blah, Jessie's tall, Brett's short, Jessie's a jerk, Brett's nice. All you really need to know is that they make up and slow dance awkwardly. Now let's get back to the real story!

Despite being told by Zack in no uncertain terms to get lost, Screech and Penny are still at the party, tango-ing away. Slater cuts in and tells Screech that Zack needs to talk to him. With Screech out of the way, Slater points out Kelly to Penny and tells her Kelly would love it if Penny told her how much fun she was having with Zack. Which she does, even slipping in her plans to take "Zack" back to Belding's house and have her way with him. Hmm, it seems our Penny is a little bit of a tart. Maybe Belding should lead with that the next time he's trying to get high-school boys to go out with her. Kelly rears up to insult Penny, but is apparently unable to come up with any of the various synonyms for "slut" that girls have been hurling at one another since time began, and finally settles on "un-nice girl." Oh, Kel. Still, it's enough to stop the party in its tracks, after which Penny and Screech beat a hasty retreat.

Kelly realizes there's something fishy going on (I can't believe the matching outfits didn't tip her off earlier) and confronts Zack, who tries to lie about it for some reason instead of just coming clean about the Belding blackmail. Finally, Kelly asks him point blank, "Did you tell Belding you'd go out with his niece?" Zack admits that he did, although he omits all of the details about blackmail and making Screech his doppelganger. Kelly's basically like, "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." You mean accepting a date with another girl on your birthday? Man, Kelly really needs to raise her standards. Or are we supposed to believe that the same girl who couldn't come up with a better insult than "un-nice girl" worked out all of the stuff Zack left out by herself? That seems about as plausible to me as Screech getting lucky at Belding's house, but according to Penny, that's exactly what's happening right now, so...okay.

—Clare

Quote of the episode
Belding: I've got a real problem, guys.
Zack: Just wear a hat, sir.

Grade
Clare: B+. Although it was totally unnecessary, the sight of Screech dressed like Zack was pretty humorous. If only it hadn't been for Jessie and her stupid insecurities, this episode would have been a solid A.

2011-03-03T08:44:00.001-06:00

Karma chameleon

Zack kicks off the episode with some exposition about this week's speech-class assignment, the topic of which is "My Best Friend." Substitute teacher Coach Rizzo (a possible relative of Coach Sonski, judging by his over-the-top Brooklyn accent) intros Slater, who starts his speech with, "Okay, check it!" Fine oratory technique. Using approximately 27 cliches in the span of three sentences, Slater introduces us to his best friend—his chameleon Artie, whom he pulls out of his shirt pocket for the grand finale. Slater must have this chameleon well-trained, since most of the lizards I've ever seen would not be content to just hang out in a shirt pocket for an indefinite amount of time.

At the Max, Slater is demonstrating more of Artie's talents, such as how he can raise his head long enough for Slater to give him an Eskimo kiss. The gang is enchanted, minus Zack, who thinks it's ludicrous (word) and Lisa, who thinks it's disgusting (double word). Slater happens to be skipping town for the weekend, so he asks Screech to watch Artie. Why doesn't he just cart him along in his shirt pocket, if Artie's so happy in there? Anyway, as Slater and Screech skip off to scour some windshields for Artie's dinner (and Lisa leaves to vomit upon hearing about Artie's diet), Kelly attempts to reconfirm with Jessie their plans to work on Kelly's speech that night. But no dice: Jessie's off to chain herself to a gas pump with her mom, presumably as practice for later chaining herself to an oil derrick. (Where's Franklin when you need him?) Fortunately, Zack knows nothing says "booty call" like "study date," so he jumps right in to help.

Later at his house, Zack is admiring his cardboard cutout of Kelly (Sporty Volleyball Model) in advance of their date when Screech shows up with Artie. Turns out the rest of Screech's pets find Artie pretty tasty, so he needs to find a new home for him, stat. Zack reluctantly agrees to take over chameleon-sitting, and manages to shove Screech out the door just as Kelly arrives. Kelly immediately grabs Artie's shoebox and commences with the baby talk. Zack tells her to give it a rest so they can work (read: so he can hit on her), so she tosses the shoebox cavalierly on the desk. Zack has just started to work his mojo on Kelly when Jessie comes careening through his window (nearly trampling poor Artie in the process; I'm not entirely sure that wasn't what led to his ultimate demise), explaining that she and her mom ran out of gas on the way to the gas protest, and her mom refused to fill up. That doesn't explain how they got back so fast, but let's just assume they ran out of gas in their driveway. Anyway, Kelly and Jessie beat a hasty retreat, leaving Zack with nothing but a chameleon and a cardboard cutout for company.

The next day in the hall, the gang notices that Artie is starting to resemble said cardboard cutout—stiff and inanimate. In other words, dead. Which is really bad timing, since Slater's just gotten back from San Diego and is dying to see his BFF. Zack and Screech shove poor dead Artie in a locker (it appears to be Lisa's, which is NOT going to be pretty when she opens it again) and manage to put off Slater until they have time to procure an Artie replacement. Unfortunately, the girls have done the same thing, and Slater is presented with two Arties at the Max. Although the gang really needs to do a better job of coordinating their chameleon substitution, I am impressed that they managed to also find two shoeboxes identical to the one Slater originally had Artie in. Despite Zack's attempts to pass off the duplicate chameleon as Artie's new girlfriend Artesia, Slater knows something's up. Unfortunately, he just thinks it's that Artie's lost in Zack's room, and promises to come over and look for him after wrestling practice.

Knowing they can't keep up the ruse for long (although I feel they could at least try letting one of the replacement Arties loose in Zack's room for Slater to find), the gang imagines what will happen to them if Slater finds out about Artie. Which is that he will dress up in a crocodile costume, talk in a weird raspy voice with an indeterminate accent, and give his tongue a Gene Simmons-worthy workout while meting out their punishments. Which are: Screech must grow old playing Solitaire (with actual cards—that is punishment!), Jessie will wear a ridiculously high-cut bathing suit while sitting on a block of ice, Kelly will jump around in a frying pan with some eggs (what, no bacon?), and Lisa will be forced to dress like a suburban grandma. I guess Zack doesn't get a punishment, or his is too awful to show (actual prison?), because we cut out of the fantasy sequence as he's crying to Sheriff Belding that they didn't mean to do it.

Later that day at Chez Morris, Slater is on a rampant hunt for Artie, from which not even the discovery of the Kelly cardboard cutout can distract him (though it did slow him down for at least a few seconds). The gang shuffles guiltily in while Slater's in the closet (heh), and when he sees them all standing around avoiding his gaze, the jig is up. Kelly offers up the shoebox containing the actual Artie (maybe it was in her locker?), and Slater is surprisingly glib, quipping, "It's just a dead lizard."

Ah, but a river of pain runs beneath his tough-guy facade, as we learn the next day in speech class. Kelly gets up to talk about her German shepherd (seriously, do none of these kids have actual human best friends?), which prompts some relentless heckling from Slater. Coach Rizzo sends him to the principal's office, where Belding puts on his therapist hat and attempts to get Slater to open up. His method of choice appears to be a staring contest, which is surprisingly ineffective, so it's a good thing Zack walks in and gives Belding the dirt. Belding finally breaks Slater down by telling him the story of his parakeets Sonny and Cher, and how Cher flew the coop one day when Belding left the cage open. Yeah, but she went on to win an Oscar for Moonstruck, whereas all Artie's going to get is a poorly attended funeral in a Bayside classroom. Eh, better than nothing.

Artie's shoebox has been all tarted up in red fabric and a pink rose for the funeral, over which Zack is presiding. After less-than-comforting eulogies from Lisa and Coach Rizzo (which basically amount to "At least he was color-coordinated" and "I'm sure he was great, but I don't really know"), Screech and Jessie deliver a rousing rendition of the soon-to-be-classic "Oh Artie Boy," complete with Carnegie Hall-worthy vibrato and Casio keyboard accompaniment. Following this fine musical interlude, Slater comes through with the only touching tribute of the service, telling Artie what a good friend he was, but not to worry because now he has other good friends. Yeah, so good they'll kill your chameleon.

—Clare

Quote of the episode
Lisa: Get that thing away from me! The only time I get this close to lizard skin is when Anne Klein puts a buckle on it.

Grade
Clare: B-. You guys know how I feel about Slater-centric episodes, but this one is kind of a classic. I still can't listen to "Oh Danny Boy" without mentally changing the lyrics to "Oh Artie Boy."

2008-05-13T08:43:00.001-05:00

Hate the playa and the game

The guys pull up next to some early-90s hotties in the Malibu Sands parking lot in Slater's convertible (which is now mysteriously black) as a Zack voiceover waxes poetic about gorgeous curves...but it soon becomes obvious he's not talking about the babes, but rather the cherry red Brandon Walsh-mobile sitting behind them in the parking lot. As Screech and Slater try unsuccessfully to flirt with the girls, Zack caresses the 'Stang and plucks the "For Sale" sign off of it. Um, I think you're supposed to write the number down, not just take the sign with you. Zack is probably one of those people who rips pages out of public phone books, too.

Meanwhile, at the front desk, Lisa tries to commandeer the phone for personal business, but Jessie swiftly cuts her off. Hey, maybe she actually learned how to be a conscientious employee as a result of her brush with being fired! Zack, on the other hand, clearly did not, as we see him greet Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi by calling him "Mr. Greasy," which is but one in a series of rude nicknames Zack will employ for seemingly no reason in this episode. After serving Big L his breakfast (swiped from a Mark Twain lookalike at the next table), Zack races off to the server's stand, where he pulls out his giant cell phone and calls the number on the "For Sale" sign...

Which, of course, rings directly to Carosi's giant cell phone. (Which is so giant, I might add, that it doesn't even resemble a cell phone. It looks like he just brought the cordless from his house to the Malibu Sands dining room.) Anyway, after some friendly banter between Zack and Big L about Zack's "jerk of a boss," which somehow neither of them are able to distinguish is coming from the same room even though they're like 20 feet away from each other, Big L lets his name slip, causing Zack to shriek, "Carosi!" and immediately hang up the phone. Big L apparently isn't deaf enough to have blocked out that, and so Zack's attempts to negotiate the price of the car down to $1,500 are quickly shut down: Big L won't budge a penny from his ludicrously exact asking price of $2,006.52.

That is, until the owner of rival club North Beach saunters in to make their annual $500 wager in the big inter-club volleyball match. It seems Malibu Sands is on a 10-year losing streak, like why does Carosi keep betting on these games if his team sucks so bad? Hearing that the exact price difference of the car (well, give or take $6.52) is on the line, Zack immediately pulls Big L aside and assures him that Malibu Sands can win the game this year, based on the evidence that Kelly is the school's volleyball team captain (solid), Slater is all-city in four sports (less solid, since I'm assuming volleyball isn't one of them, although I don't know what the other two that aren't wrestling and football might be), and Jessie and Zack are "really good" (totally weak). Carosi is equally unconvinced, until Zack assures him that they're undefeated.

But how can they be undefeated if they've never even played a game, you ask? Oh, because that means they've never lost one, as Zack explains to the equally confused gang. This twisted logic doesn't really matter, though, as Zack's already got Carosi and his apparent gambling addiction over a barrel, and demands afternoons off for practice, plus a lowered price on the car, both of which Carosi gives into. Awesome--now Zack can add blackmailing his boss to his resume, too! Man, this summer job is really expanding his skill set.

Later in the day, the gang is having one of their afternoon practice sessions when Stacey walks up to check out the famous "undefeated" team. She's pretty skeptical about their volleyball prowess, and even more so when Screech assures her they're going to "win by 10 touchdowns." They are soon joined by Tad and Todd, two surfer dudes from North Beach, the latter of whom has apparently been carrying a torch for Stacey for quite some time. After some truly painful trash talk (seriously, this Tad guy is easily the worst extra ever to appear on SBTB, if not in the entire history of television), the gang challenges T&T to an impromptu scrimmage. As they hit the court, Coach Kelly pep-talks, "Let's remember our strategy: Win!" Hey, great strategy! Why don't other teams ever think of that? Anyway, the scrimmage is cut short when Screech gets beaned so hard in the head with a volleyball that it gives him some sort of concussion that causes him to think Zack is Kelly and that they're playing football (although given that he thought the latter before, I'm not sure how bad the head injury really is).

Later, Slater and Zack are sitting on the lifeguard stand, moaning about how they're going to lose, when up walks a 6'10" young lad named Gary. Man, what are the odds?! Apparently Gary has a thing for Kelly, and so Zack wastes no time in pimping out his ex-girlfriend to nab himself a secret weapon for the volleyball game. The next day, he informs Big L that he's hired Gary--needless to say, Carosi is indignant about Zack's assumption of power, until he gets a load of ol' Gar in a comically small Malibu Sands uniform. Big L is so excited by Gary's height that he immediately decides to call the dude from North Beach and double--nay, triple!--the bet. What's that they say about pride going before a fall, Big L? Nah, never mind, it's probably not important.

In the employee lounge, Kelly and Gary are being all glowy about their upcoming date. I'm glad Kelly seems to enjoy being on the receiving end of Zack's continuous pimping efforts; God knows it won't be the last time. Big L and Stacey soon join the gang, and there's such an abundance of fate-tempting pride talk that fate can no longer hold out and sends in Screech to drop a huge water bottle on Gary's foot.

Later, the gang is all gathered in the reception area, acting like it's a doctor's waiting room because the show was too low-budget to actually spring for a doctor's waiting room set. Gary comes hobbling in on Kelly's shoulder with a cast on his foot (what, the show couldn't even afford some prop crutches? Come on!), which the gang tries desperately to hide from Big L. While they do manage to distract him with a pretty convincing game of "mind volleyball," Screech soon shatters the illusion by letting the truth about Gary's foot slip. Zack is forced to admit that the team isn't quite as great as their lofty reputation, so Carosi informs them that if they don't win the game, they'll all be fired. You know, given that Big L is consistently threatening termination over the most trivial, lawsuit-inviting matters instead of the approximately 52 legitimate offenses the gang serves up in each episode, I'm starting to think that he's just as bad an employer as they are employees.

Over at the girls' beach house, it seems that living with Jessie "Oscar Madison" Spano is getting on Lisa's last nerve. One by one, she picks up all the clothes that Jessie has left strewn all over the living room...and tosses them out the door. Go, Lisa! Can you shove Jessie out while you're at it? Zack and Slater were apparently standing down-wind of the clothing purge, and walk in the door with a mouthful of blouse, bearing pizzas. They're there to celebrate their imminent failure with a little cheese and pepperoni, but before they can dig in, Screech arrives with a few ringers for the volleyball team. These are: Ava, a five-year-old who's the best athlete in her class at Happy Valley Preschool; Ida, a spritely 80something who once played for the Olympic volleyball team; and Big Pete, a nerd who goes to their school whom they don't seem to recognize. Disappointed with the choices, Zack reluctantly picks big Pete as Jessie moans loudly that they're doomed. Uh, Jessie, your new teammate is standing right there. Also, they totally should have gone with Ida. I don't care how long ago it was, she was a freaking Olympian. Besides, the old girl still looks pretty damn spry.

The next day, the gang is in the employee lounge, combing the classifieds for new jobs (or, in the case of Slater, claiming to look for new jobs while actually reading the sports page). Just as Screech is reminiscing about his job the previous summer as a taster at Happy Kitty Cat Food (why are all the fake schools and businesses so cheerful this episode?), Zack walks in with a telegram that's ostensibly from the dudes at North Beach, calling the Malibu Sands crew "losers" and claiming they're going to "bury [them]" at the game tomorrow. Eh, seems pretty mild as far as trash-talking telegrams go (Tad was almost doing a better job in person), but Zack reads it with such an incendiary tone that it motivates Kelly to grab her Official Volleyball Coaching Clipboard and Yellow Pencil and hustle the gang back out to practice. I don't need to tell you that Zack sent the telegram, right? (I was beginning to wonder if mail doesn't actually exist in the Bayside/Malibu Sands universe, and therefore the only way to communicate is via telegram or giant cell phone, but since most of the telegrams on this show are fake and originate with Zack, maybe it's just that Zack somehow got his hands on a bunch of blank telegrams. The world will never know.)

Anyway, we're suddenly at the match, where Big L gives the team a rousing pep talk: "Remember, it's not how you play the game; it's whether you'll be working here next week or not!" I guess Pete doesn't really care about the job he's had for all of two days, because just as the team is about to take the court, he begs out, saying all the practice has given him blisters. I told you they should've gone with Ida! An Olympian would never be felled by measly blisters! Anyway, Stacey happens to show up at just that moment, attired in early-90s neon volleyball-wear, to say that she'll take Big Pete's place on the team. Gee, Stace, maybe you could have volunteered your skills at some point during all the Gary/Ava/Ida/Big Pete madness, you think? Whatever.

The game itself is your basic Juicy Fruit commercial montage (intercut with shots of Carosi clutching his hat in desperation and Lisa manning the scoreboard while also maybe getting a little too friendly with Gary) until we hit a 13-13 tie, at which point Stacey proves her usefulness to the team by agreeing to go on a date with Todd, gobsmacking him so much that Zack is able to serve the ball right into his shoulder. Match point! Cue the slow-motion sequence! Cue the dramatic music! Zack rears back for the serve, which Tad returns with a shot that goes up through the hole in the ozone layer, does a few loops around the international space station, then plummets back through the stratosphere (or so the dramatic music and dramatic shots of Zack and Kelly following the ball's progress would have us believe), at which point Zack spikes it back and wins the game! And the car! And the girl! (OK, not the last one, but he and Stacey do have a hug that lasts conspicuously a little too long.) Anyone else really want a piece of gum right now?

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Don't you know fat people are supposed to be jolly?" Screech, to Big L

Grade
Clare: C. It's not that this episode was badly done; it's just that 90210's volleyball-tournament episode was soooo much better. I mean, if Zack's going to ape Brandon Walsh's car choice, the least SBTB could do is attempt to live up to the glory that is "Sex, Lies & Volleyball." Plus, the gang's dismissal of Ida was totally ageist.

2007-04-27T08:10:00.000-05:00

Idiots, Incorporated

Zack walks into a classroom and informs us that for economics class, they were supposed to come up with an idea for a business. What kind of high school has an economics class? Anyway, apparently the gang failed to come up with an idea for their business, and now they're merely awaiting their eminent failure. Wow, Jessie seems surprisingly calm. Maybe she knows Zack is going to pull an idea out of his ass in the 11th hour. Which is exactly what he does, but first we get to see the ideas the other teams have come up with. After the surfer dudes present their foldable cardboard surfboard, Slater points out the flaws inherent in their prototype. But Mr. Tuttle tells them that if they believe in it, that's all that counts. Um, shouldn't your project actually being able to work count for something, too? The nerds are next with a pocket protector protector, designed to keep your pocket protector from getting messy with the ink it's protecting your pockets from. Yeah, but what's going to protect the pocket protector protector? I suspect they haven't entirely thought their idea through, either.

Unlike Zack, who has been thinking about his idea for all of 12 seconds before he presents on behalf of the gang, cutting Jessie off just as she's about to fess up to their failure. He grabs Kelly's arm, festooned with a friendship bracelet given to her earlier by Lisa, and proclaims that they'll be selling the bracelets. The rest of the classroom gasps in awe, I guess because it's the only marginally viable idea to emerge from this excercise. But seriously, everyone's acting like they've never seen a friendship bracelet before, even though those things were multiplying like rabbits in the early '90s. I alone must've made at least a hundred between the years of 1990 and 1993.

Based on the room's unusually excited reaction, Zack is already plotting the millions he's going to make off the friendship bracelets. I say "he" because apparently Zack has no intention to share the profits with his fellow business partners, instead casting them in a variety of demeaning roles in his life. (Well, except for Screech, who has re-donned his Geraldo Screech plastic wig to play Robin Screech, host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.) In Zack's made-up world, Slater is his factory foreman, Jessie is his secretary, Lisa's his sweatshop laborer, Kelly is his trophy wife, and Belding's his chauffeur.

Back in the real world, Zack continues to treat his friends like second-class citizens, refusing to pay the Fashion Club for their labor (have we learned nothing from Kathie Lee Gifford, people?) and unceremoniously ousting Jessie from her position as president of the business, saying he doesn't want her to screw it up. Too bad Zack couldn't use some of his rampant jackassery to veto the super lame name Slater comes up with for their business: Friendship Forever. They couldn't at least slap an "Inc." on there to make it halfway legitimate? Anyway, Slater, Jessie and Kelly recognize a power-hungry asshole boss when they see one, so they break off to form their own company. Considering that this is a school project, and that Mr. Tuttle gave each of the teams $100 in seed money, can they really make such an autonomous decision?

Apparently so--the next day in class, Mr. Tuttle seems fine with the splintering of Friendship Forever and allows Kelly, Jessie and Slater to introduce their product via a commercial. Said product turns out to be Buddy Bands: Even Lamer Than Friendship Bracelets! OK, so that's not the slogan they've gone with, but theirs ("Hey, they work!") isn't a whole lot better. What is pretty freaking awesome, however, is their commercial, which features Slater standing alone in a warehouse-like space, lamenting that he doesn't have any friends and can't get girls to go out with him. But once he slips a Buddy Band over his head, Kelly and Jessie suddenly emerge in sequined bras and dance all over him. Upon seeing the commercial, Zack knows he's doomed and pleads to Mr. Tuttle that the product is too similar to their friendship bracelets. Jessie informs him that his product is a "stupid bracelet" while theirs is a "clever headband." Oh, I only wish Jessie would tell us how, exactly, a dumb-ass piece of fabric wrapped around your head can be classified as "clever." But instead, Mr. Tuttle just points out that competition is essential to a free-market economy and sends them on their way.

Zack, Lisa and Screech are having an emergency business meeting at the Max to try to revive the friendship-bracelet market. Via one of his dumb magic tricks, Max suggests that they offer their customers some sort of premium. "What are we going to offer?" Screech jokes. "A free friend with every purchase?" But Lisa and Zack are getting the dollar signs behind their eyes, and the next thing you know, Screech has a sign that says "Friend" strapped around his neck and is being lent out to anyone who buys a friendship bracelet, including an amazon named Peggy, who apparently purchased an entire armful of bracelets just so she could dance around the Max with Screech for hours on end.

Back at Zack's house, an exhausted Screech can do little more than flop into Zack's beanbag chair and pant, so Zack informs Lisa that she'll be taking over the role of "Friend" the next day. Apparently, though, Lisa's finally had enough of being pimped out by Zack, and she and Screech defect to Buddy Bands, where they're pleased to learn that Jessie intends to pay her laborers a fair wage and treat her employees with respect. That is, until she sees that they've put Friendship Forever out of business and immediately assumes Zack's power-hungry ways, ordering Lisa to get her 300, nay 500! Buddy Bands immediately. Kelly points out the riskiness of investing their entire profit margin, but Jessie Trump is off and running and doesn't want to hear it.

Clearly, Jessie is too blinded by greed to remember that it's Zack she's dealing with here. He sets his retaliation plan in motion by visiting Belding in the locker room, where he's pumping weights. It just now occurs to me as strange that people (well, Slater and occasionally Belding) are always lifting weights in the locker room. Don't they have a weight room for that? Anyway, Zack gives Belding a Buddy Band, spreading on the bullshit pretty thick. Apparently Belding is new to the ways of Zack, too, and he gets all emotional, bumbling on about how they're no longer student and principal, detentioner and detentionee; they're Richie and Zack! More like pawn and...uh, chessmaster? No, wait, that's Screech. Anyway, when word hits the halls (facilitated by Zack, of course) that Belding's sporting a Buddy Band, everyone immediately demands their money back...just as Slater walks up with 500 more bands. The irony does not appear to be lost on Kelly and Jessie.

Later at the Max, the gang, minus Zack, is sulking in their usual booth. When Zack walks in, he gives them a brief glance before choosing a table across the room. Luckily for the estranged gang, Max is here to fix everything with another one of his dumb magic tricks. He produces five friendship bracelets out of thin air, claiming they're from Zack, and suddenly all is right with the world again. Oh, except the gang is totally going to fail their econ project tomorrow because they vindictively drove each other out of business. However, Zack thinks there's still time for them to come up with a new idea, even though thinking of ideas for econ projects has historically not been this group's strong suit.

The next day in class, after we learn that the nerds bought out the surfers' cardboard surfboards and turned them into window visors, Zack introduces his team's brand-new product: Love Cuffs, Even Lamer Than Friendship Bracelets and Buddy Bands Combined! Hey, they didn't come up with a slogan, so they're going to have to live with that one. Love Cuffs, for those who have never been to an adult entertainment emporium, are basically handcuffs made out of fabric. Kinky! Yet the gang seems to be marketing them as a way to hold hands without any of that silly hand-holding business. Lame! Zack explains that they sold enough Love Cuffs to break even (uh...when?) and gave the rest of their inventory to the nerds, who are now using the Buddy Bands to hold their books together. Man, how many dumb-ass ideas can these nerds save in one episode?! Mr. Tuttle isn't too happy to hear about the inventory donation, but Zack claims they'd rather be friends than run a successful business. Because, as anyone who's ever watched The Apprentice knows, it's not possible to be both. Anyway, despite the fact that they failed to complete the one and only requirement of the assignment, Mr. Tuttle gives them all A's anyway, along with a motivational speech about how it's better to be a nice person than good at business, which for some reason the class accompanies by humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." Man, that's dumb. And yet it still doesn't come anywhere near the threshold of stupidity reached by the Love Cuffs.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"President Bush called; he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head." --Jessie, as Zack's dream-sequence secretary

Grade
Clare: C+. I loved friendship bracelets as much as the next person, but Buddy Bands? Love Cuffs? I can't support that kind of nonsense. This episode gets a "plus" only on the merit of the awesome Buddy Bands commercial, which rivals the "Get Down and Go For It" video in its production values.

2006-12-20T07:55:00.000-06:00

Girls Gone Mild

We open at the Max, where Screech is perusing the used-car ads for Zack. He finds a Ferrari for a cool $185K, but even after his weekly $10 allowance, Zack will still be in debt to his dad for $11. Kelly comes up with the genius suggestion of asking his dad to raise his allowance, like I'm so sure that a bump up from $10 will be enough to allow Zack to afford a car. (Much more plausible is Screech's suggestion that Zack get himself 20,000 more dads.) Then again, this is the universe in which Slater once bought a car despite having no discernible source of income, so I guess anything's possible.

Before Slater can share his magical car-buying secrets with Zack, however, Jessie flies into the Max, on a tear because Mr. Belding is expecting her, as head of the yearbook committee, to come up with a kick-ass theme for this year's yearbook. Side note: This whole "oh dear, whatever will the yearbook theme be?" is a common plot point on high-school shows, and I've never understood where it comes from. If our yearbook had a theme, it was "These are pictures of people who go to this school." And everyone bought one, because that's what you did. Of course, I went to a tiny school where everyone knew everyone else, so maybe it's different at larger schools--but Bayside, having approximately 20 students, is even smaller than my high school, so I feel it should be the same case.

But it's apparently not, as the focus of the yearbook committee meeting is how to move more yearbooks. So far, the only idea the committee has come up with is Black Gravelly-Voiced Nerd's idea to make each person's picture a hologram. Jessie dismisses this as too expensive. Not to mention impossible to execute. Zack saves the day with his suggestion to do a video yearbook, based on the fact that no one reads any more. But what is there to read in a yearbook, other than people's names? Ah, whatever. Video yearbook it is!

Apparently to film your segment of the video yearbook, you are required to dress in a costume representative of your one-dimensional high-school personality. Slater arrives in his football uniform and totally bombs out. Then Kelly shows up in her cheerleader outfit and, after wowing us with her laundry list of extra-curricular activities, spends the rest of her video message time flirting with Zack. Before she leaves, she mentions that his parents will have to chauffeur them to the movies this weekend. This appears to be the last straw for Zack, although he and Kelly have been dating for what--a year? This can't be the first time their parents have taken them to a movie. But anyway, he sits down to work out how he can turn an $11 debt into enough money for a car, leaving Screech to film Lisa's segment. Lisa is up in arms because the background clashes with her outfit. Considering that her outfit is a gold lame skirt with a Bedazzled tank top, and the background is several squares of pastel-colored sky, there's a pretty good chance nothing will match either of them. Lisa tells the camera that she's the founder of the Fashion Team and the Shopping Squad. Not only did she just make both of those clubs up, but any member of the Fashion Team who wore that outfit would be immediately disbanded. Also, Lisa's hobbies are "dating, guys, and dating guys." Nice to know she's well-rounded.

After Lisa leaves, Screech opines that every guy at Bayside will want to date her after seeing her video, and the hey-this-is-how-I-can-pimp-my-friends-this-week lightbulb goes off over Zack's head. They'll turn the yearbook into a video dating tape! Cut to Zack and Screech asking the girls of Bayside a variety of yearbook-inappropriate questions. Possibly Slutty Airhead says in a breathy voice that she wants a man who will spend all his money on her. Hey, she really knows what guys like to hear! Anti-Establishment Rocker Girl (possibly the same one whose brother was addicted to heroin) says her idea of the perfect date is Jon Bon Jovi lighting her hair on fire. Jon Bon Jovi? Really? That's your example of a bad-ass rocker? He's been married to the same woman for like 20 years. That's not very rock 'n' roll.

Sometime in the near future, Screech and Zack are at Valley, selling the tape. They're standing under a banner that reads, "Girls! Girls! Girls!" Classy. I suppose Zack can add "amateur pornographer" to his resume now. Say, do you think it's possible that Joe Francis got the idea for "Girls Gone Wild" from this episode of Saved by the Bell? Because that would be mildly awesome, even though I think Joe Francis is quite possibly the most vile human being on the planet. Anyway, Zack and Screech are raking in mad cash at Valley, and they still have several more schools to hit, including St. Murray's Reform School.

Before we continue, let's pause for a moment to examine the flaws inherent in Zack's plan. One: Aren't the girls going to wonder why all these random guys have their phone number? I mean, wouldn't at least one of them ask, and then be able to trace the tape back to Zack? And two, what girl is going to go out with some strange guy she's never met or even seen before? Or does that really matter to Zack once he's gotten the money from the tape sales?

Apparently, the answers are: no; no; plenty of them, as it seems Bayside girls are kinda slutty; and no. In fact, Zack's practically making an appointment to test drive a Corvette (wow, how much are they charging for these tapes?) until he finds out that Screech put the spoken-for Kelly and Jessie on the tapes. (In all fairness to Screech, his only instruction from Zack was to include "the pretty girls," and Kelly and Jessie are considered pretty in some circles. Well, Kelly is.) Anyway, why this is a big deal, I'm not sure, since it's not like Kelly and Jessie are going to go out with any of these guys, but as we well know, trusting his girlfriend is not Zack's strong suit. He drags Screech back to the yearbook room by his ear and demands to see the tape of Kelly.

Before we can find out how exactly that will make things better, the gang rushes into the room, demanding a sneak preview of the yearbook. Somehow, in taking the tape out of the VCR, Zack knocks both the dating tape and the yearbook tape (neither of which had been labeled; good one, Ace) onto the floor. With barely a cursory glance at the tapes, and without even attempting to stall the gang until he can figure out which tape is which, Zack hands one off to Jessie and escorts Screech out of the room. In the hallway, they run into Belding, also anxious to see the yearbook, so Zack directs him to the room where he knows the gang is possibly viewing the dating tape. Zack! These are rookie mistakes! I'm disappointed in you. And I'm sure Joe Francis would be, too.

Sure enough, back in the yearbook room, we're being treated to Jessie "Legs" Spano's video dating message. While most of the gang and Mr. Belding react to the video by getting mad, Kelly has been dating Zack for too long, and therefore suggests they get even instead. And so it begins.

Getting Back at Zack, Part the First: Screech and Zack are strategizing in the locker room when Slater comes in, threatening to pluck the nose hairs of whomever gave out Jessie's phone number. No, that's really his threat. Why doesn't he tweeze their eyebrows, too? Maybe throw in a bikini wax. Talk about inflicting pain! We then cut to Getting Zack Back, Part the Second: Jessie and Lisa are looking all forlorn in the hallway. Lisa's upset because her dad took away her phone because she was getting so many calls, and Jessie's bummed because Slater dumped her. Oh, and also because the guys are no longer calling her, either because they've heard about her penis, or because Slater's pretty much beating up every guy we see. We're supposed to believe it's the latter, I guess, because right on cue, the bell rings, and the men of Bayside come stumbling out into the hall, groaning like extras in an Alan Thicke zombie movie, with black eyes and cast-bound limbs. So wait, now the whole school is in on the joke? I'm so sure.

Before Zack can realized how incredibly fake all the "injuries" are, he's paged to Belding's office for Getting Back at Zack, Part the Third. Just as Zack is marveling over the black eye Slater has ostensibly given Belding, Kelly walks in with some leather-clad dude, hair teased out to the edge of oblivion and wearing a leather jacket and matching leather bra that she embossed with metal studs using Lisa's Bedazzler. She immediately starts mouthing off to Belding and making out with her new guy (Vince Montana--hey, I wonder if he's Johnny Dakota's cousin?) and giving Zack the boot with little more than a shrug. Zack, getting more gullible by the second, seems to buy that her unwitting Girls Gone Wild moment has turned Kelly into a hardcore slut, and so he uses his amazing time-stopping powers to buy him a few minutes to figure out how to get out of this jam.

And his solution is? Dress up like a really ugly and possibly pregnant woman! All right, so that's not the actual solution. What he's really done is use the money he made from the dating tapes to buy everyone copies of the yearbook. He's also given Kelly back the friendship ring she gave him (only, um, he was the one who gave her the friendship ring, but whatever) and enrolled himself in military school. In keeping with this episode's video-obsessed theme, Zack has recorded all of this on a video--and yet, as he addresses each person, he turns his head to look at them. Wow, how did he know when filming the video exactly where in the room each person would be standing and/or sitting? Is there no end to Zack's miraculous abilities?

Apparently, yes. As we all know, they end with his ability to dress in drag. And so Zack strolls into the yearbook room, looking like the homeliest possibly-knocked-up woman this side of the pregnancy test aisle at Wal-Mart. Unsurprisingly, his cover is immediately blown, as the gang begins to whisper and point at him. Somewhat surprisingly, Zack doesn't appear to notice this obvious display, possibly because he's too busy contemplating who the father of his unborn child might be. (My money's on Slater.) As Video Zack bids his final farewell, the gang spontaneously enacts Getting Back at Zack, Part the Fourth by cheering at the news. Disgusted, Drag Zack rips off his disguise, and now, it seems, the balance of power has once again shifted into the correct hands--the gang, hopelessly inept plotters that they are, can leave the scheming to Zack, and Zack can leave the skeevy filming of unsuspecting young girls to Joe Francis.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: You are the stupidest person ever to walk the Earth.
Screech: Well, you hired me; what does that make you?

Grade
Clare: B-. Look, I realize he was desperate for a car and all, but Zack really screwed the pooch on this scheme. And yet he still managed to turn in a more respectable effort than Mr. Belding and the gang. Plus, video yearbooks are stupid. So there.

2005-11-01T11:10:00.000-06:00

Wrestlemania!

A sign in the gym lets us know it's time for wrestling tryouts. Oh, great. As a rule, I hate all episodes that deal with wrestling because they are automatically about Slater and, by extension, Jessie. For some reason (plot contrivance, maybe?), said tryouts are being broadcast by Zack and Screech on KKTY. After Zack has interviewed Slater and Slater has performed on some passing dork what is ostensibly a wrestling move but actually looks more like some bizarre gay mating ritual, a girl with the biggest mall bangs I've ever seen (not to mention split ends from here to next Tuesday) walks in, looking for the coach. Zack hits her with the obligatory pick-up line, which she deftly ignores, then inquires why she wants to see the coach. When she says she wants to try out for the team, Zack responds with an eloquent, "But you're a girl." "Gee, you're quick!" snaps Mall Bangs (hereafter known as Kristy, for that is her name). As far as sarcasm goes, she's no Stacey Carosi, but she'll do.

Before Zack can embarrass himself further, Coach Sonski walks in. No wonder he was late, since he apparently came all the way from either New Jersey or the set of The Sopranos. He and his ill-placed Joisey accent inform Kristy that her gender prevents her from trying out for the team; or, in his words, "This is a gym, not a jane." What does that even mean? He thinks she should go work for the women's magazine? Anyway, Zack immediately jumps in an defends Kristy's honor, as if he weren't arguing the same line himself two minutes ago. When Coach Sonski fails to be swayed by Zack's sudden enlightenment, Zack promises Kristy that he'll find a way to help her.

Which apparently involves dragging her down to the KKTY studio in the basement so he can alert Jessica Spano, pseudo-feminist extraordinaire, to the situation. Upon hearing the news, Jessie proclaims it "sexist piggism of the worst kind." Jessie, haven't I already told you that piggism isn't a word? Vocabulary issues aside, Jessie is sure that if they take their case to Belding, he'll help Kristy out. Speak of the devil--here's Belding now, laughing his ass off as he walks into the studio about some girl who wanted to try out for the wrestling team. Just a thought, Belding: Next time you want to have a good chuckle about the girl who tried out for the wrestling team, you might want to have it with someone other than the girl standing right in front of you, wearing wrestling shorts.

Later at the Max, Kristy, who has for some reason changed into a different wrestling-tryout outfit, is lunching with Lisa and Screech (who, speaking of odd fashion decisions, is wearing a shirt with, like, cellos all over it). Kelly brings Kristy and Screech their orders, and when Lisa asks about hers, Kelly responds rudely, "Why don't you just dig for it in the dirt like you do everything else?" before stomping off. Um...what the hell is up with that? Was there a scene missing here somewhere? We don't have a chance to find out, because Zack comes rushing in with his little transistor radio, which is tuned to KKTY just in time for "Spano Speaks." All over Bayside, everyone is crowded around their transistor radios (I am so sure) to hear Jessie deliver her scathing editorial about the Kristy situation, most of which just involves her using a lot of pig sound effects, which nonetheless draw plenty of gasps from the crowd.

Apparently that wasn't enough to convince The Powers That Be, though, so Jessie has also organized a picket line at wrestling tryouts. From their signs, I can see that I've been spelling "pigism" incorrectly. Funny how my spellcheck didn't catch that, isn't it? I guess to annoy me, the protestors are also shouting, "Stop macho pigism!", which only makes me want to shout, "Stop using fake words!" back at them. When Coach Sonski walks in, Zack rushes up and asks him what it feels like to be hated. Coach Sonski says he doesn't really give a rat's, because "I have pets at home that love me." Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude. Then Belding, "the second most hated man at Bayside," walks in, and I guess he doesn't have pets or something, because once he finds out that all the girls hate him, he caves and says Kristy can try out for the team. Of course, Zack is there to capture every bit of the drama, including the pre-match trash talk, for the listners of KKTY, although it appears to me that everyone who might listen to KKTY is actually already in the gym. Anyway, Kristy pins the guy in about a second, the coach says she can join the team, and we all live happily ever after. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.

But Jessie's involved, so of course it's not. At the Max, everyone is basking in the glow of their success in convincing people that pigism is an actual word, and Slater and Kristy get to talking shop. He asks her where she learned the hold she used in tryouts, and she said she remembered him using it at some big match the previous year. Upon hearing this, Jessie looks concerned, and understandably so, since apparently Kristy is stalking her boyfriend. While Kristy and Slater scamper off to practice wrestling moves, Jessie begins referring to herself in the third person, which is just never a good sign.

Later, Zack shows up in the girls' locker room toting some radio equipment, ostensibly to interview Kristy for KKTY, but he actually just hits on her until she agrees to go out with him. I'd suspect that the radio equipment isn't even real (since when does KKTY have field reporters?), but it appears that Belding has picked up a transistor radio of his own and has tracked Zack to the locker room. He attempts to catch him with one hand over his eyes, which is about as successful as you might imagine. He ends up grabbing the arm of some random girl in a bathing suit, who screams bloody murder because...uh, she doesn't like the way she looks in a bathing suit? I guess I have to admit that if I ran into my high-school principal in the girls' locker room, I'd be a little freaked out, too, no matter what I was wearing.

Lisa, who has witnessed the whole thing, is now sharing the scene with KKTY listeners on her gossip show. Apparently on a previous show, she broke the news (and I use the term "news" loosely) of Kelly's big zit at prom, which might explain why Kelly was so bitchy to her early. What it does not explain, however, is why Kelly is now so nonchalant as Lisa seems to be implying that Slater and Kristy are dating. In fact, Kelly just stands there and laughs at Jessie as she freaks out about it, then tries to disown Jessie to the random extras when Jessie storms off. If it were me, I'd be trying to disown those high-waisted denim shorts Kelly has unwisely chosen to pair with her midriff top.

Later that night, Zack is on his date with Kristy, who is wearing a JC Penney bedspread that some enterprising young Maria Von Trapp has turned into a dress. As they're making eyes at each other across a plate of Max fries, in walks a Valley thug, who immediately starts trash-talking Kristy. When Zack makes a feeble attempt to appear threatening, Random Valley Thug puts him in a choke hold, which Kristy gets him out of by giving the thug a noogie. Wow, these are Bayside's prize-winning wrestling moves? Noogies?

The next day, it's once again time for "Spano Speaks." When is it time for "Spano Shuts Up"? Jessie retracts her earlier editorial, saying that women shouldn't wrestle because "the poor dears could get hurt." That's her entire argument, which leads me to believe that she's even worse at radio commentary than she is at protesting. Over at the Max, Kristy is distraught by Jessie's sudden change of heart (which Screech blames on her too-tight barrettes, like that's the least of her problems), and she's 0 for 2 when Zack walks in and breaks up with her.

Somehow, Zack and Jessie manage to run into each other at the radio station, where they realize what idiots they've been, and Zack, in a very after-school-special moment in the girls' locker room, convinces Kristy to rejoin the team. She does so just in time for the big Valley meet, where we are forced to watch Slater in a blatant display of homoeroticism. Fortunately, his match, which Zack promises will be "long and grueling," is predictably over in about 1.5 seconds, and it's blessedly Kristy's turn. She gets into trouble pretty quickly, and when Jessie "Mike Tyson" Spano's screams of "Bite him, Kristy!" fail to have an effect, Zack yells, "Kristy, use the hold you used on the guy at the Max!" In response, Kristy does not use the hold she used on the guy at the Max, but rather a hold Slater showed her earlier. She does give the guy a noogie for good measure, though. When Zack walks up to congratulate her on her victory, she pins him and plants a big kiss on him. Now that's hot. I just hope while we were watching Zack and Kristy make out, someone was giving Jessie a noogie off-camera.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Slater: "Why would I want a girl like Kristy when I can have a nutcake like you?"
Jessie: "Don't try flattering me! It won't get you anywhere!"

Grade
Clare: C+. There were so many bad things about this episode (Jessie's pseudo-feminism and use of the word "pigism," Kelly's ugly denim shorts, Slater in a wrestling jersey), but Kristy, despite her horrendous mall bangs, is a pretty good match for Zack. Then again, given that her competition is the likes of Danielle and Ginger, that's not saying much.

2005-07-07T10:01:00.000-05:00

The Bullshit Aptitude Test

We open in the gym, where the gang and the requisite 12 extras are sitting at tables, No. 2 pencils at the ready. This is because, as Zack helpfully explains to us, they are about to take the SATs. Zack acts as if he, along with the rest of the viewing public, has never heard of the SATs before, which is merely the beginning of the complete and total bullshit that will plague us throughout this episode.

Mr. Belding paces around the room, lecturing the kids that this is the most important test they'll ever have to take. I personally think the SAT comes in second to the driver's test, but no one asked me. Incidentally, I hate how TV shows act like you can only take the SAT once, when everyone knows you can take it as many times as you want to keep improving your score. I guess that doesn't really convey the same level of dramatic tension, but whatever. It's still bullshit.

Cut to the test-taking. Jessie is filling in her answer sheet with vigor while thinking about how much she wants to go to Stansbury. Hey, what happened to Stanford?! Guess the caffeine pills must have affected on her short-term memory. Kelly, meanwhile, is staring at Jessie in horror, aghast that she's already on the third page when Kelly is still on the third question. Hmm, that does make me wonder if perhaps Jessie isn't employing the patented Andie McPhee standardized test-taking method. Then again, perhaps if Kelly spent less time staring at Jessie in horror and more time actually taking the test, she'd be a little further along. A few rows back, Slater is reminiscing about his oh-so-healthy breakfast of Twinkies and Ding Dongs, while Zack has become mesmerized by none other than Mrs. Ben Stiller herself, Christine Taylor, who is sitting at the desk in front of him.

Several weeks later (according to the captioning, although it would not be outside the realm of possibility in the SBTB universe for the test scores to have come back the next day), the gang is gathered at the Max to reveal their scores. Well, this just seems like a fabulous idea. To cut to the chase, the first four scores revealed are: Screech, 1220; Kelly, 1100; Lisa, 1140; Slater, 1050. Everyone obviously thinks Slater's score is embarrassingly low, which makes no sense at all because it's only 50 points lower than Kelly's. Next, we come to Zack, and the gang is amazed to learn that he has a score of 1502. Hey, now we know who the real Andie McPhee here is! Everyone assumes that since Zack got such a great score, Jessie's must be even higher, which it most decidedly is not, at 1205. While Jessie freaks out, I would like to take this moment to point out that I got a higher SAT score (1240) than 5 out of 6 of these people.

Later in the hall, Christine Taylor is congratulating Zack on his high score. In this scene (and a couple of subsequent ones), Christine Taylor is wearing flowered leggings with a matching oversized flowered sweater. I like to imagine that Ben Stiller sometimes gives her shit about having worn this outfit when they're hanging out at home. You know he does. Anyway, Zack takes advantage of his newfound genius to invite Christine Taylor over for a study date. Meanwhile, a random bimbo-ish extra comes up to Jessie, babbling that she made a 1280 on her SATs. OK, now I don't feel so proud of my score, if random bimbo-ish extra beat me. But hey, I got a 30 on my ACTs! Take that, random bimbo-ish extra! And what is up with everyone announcing their SAT scores at the drop of a hat? Who does that? What bullshit.

Conveniently, a college fair has been set up in the gym on the same day everyone received their test scores. Zack, Jessie and Christine Taylor are all in line to talk to the Stansbury rep. As Christine Taylor fawns all over Zack, Jessie makes pukey faces in the background, which may be the one thing Jessie has ever done that I think is awesome. Belding comes into the gym and starts making a big deal over Zack's test score, calling him "Mr. SAT" and introducing him to Mrs. Billingham, the Stansbury rep. He also introduces Jessie, pointing out her straight-A average and spate of after-school activites. However, when Mrs. Billingham finds out Jessie's SAT score, she tells her condescendingly that there are plenty of other colleges that would take her as she fawns over Zack, whom she has not asked about his grades and/or after-school activites, I might add. Which is why I will now be referring to her as Mrs. Bullshit.

That night, Zack is wearing one of his more elaborate geometrically patterened sweaters (which you just know Ben Stiller often makes fun of, too) and getting ready for his date with Christine Taylor by breaking in his beanbag chair, turning on the Muzak and spraying some Binaca in his mouth. Whatever happened to Binaca? Do they still make it? Or did it get eclipsed by those new-fangled breath strips? Anyway, Christine Taylor arrives and lets Zack convince her that both dimmed lights and a massage are conducive to studying. His grand seduction plan fails, however, when Bob, Christine Taylor's 40-year-old boyfriend shows up for some study help, too.

Meanwhile, Jessie is moping at the Max. Kelly points out that they shouldn't be worried about college stuff because they're only juniors, apparently not realizing that junior year is pretty much the crucial one when it comes to college decisions. Anyway, Mrs. Bullshit walks in, and Jessie pipes up a little too quickly and a little too loudly with "I knew you'd change your mind," which makes it all the more embarrassing when Mrs. Bullshit reveals that she's there to talk to Slater. When Jessie finds out that Mrs. Bullshit is recruiting Mr. 1050 to play on Stansbury's football team, she goes...well, apeshit and storms out of the Max. Slater says it's a good thing Jessie didn't find out Stansbury had offered him a car. A car?! Wow, that's like in the 99th percentile of bullshit.

Zack arrives at the Max, fresh from his non-date with Christine Taylor, as does James, fresh from an audition for Julius Caesar, which he apparently screwed up by yelling "With or without anchovies?" Since when does a caesar salad come with anchovies in the first place? As the gang frets over what to do about Jessie, Zack gets one of his ingenious ideas and tells James he's about to play the role of a lifetime. I'm thinking it might not be such a great idea to cast in a starring role an actor who can't even get through a freaking Shakespeare audition without messing up (not to mention a waiter who doesn't know what's on a caesar salad), but maybe that's just me.

Cut to the hallway, where Slater is stalling Jessie as Zack sneaks James into the gym, where he is posing as a Hhhhharvard rep. I would wonder how Harvard got into the show whereas Stanford obviously had to be cut out, but it's pretty clear that they stipulated their name could only be used if everyone pronounced it in an incredibly obnoxious manner. Which is why James is waxing poetic to Mrs. Bullshit (whom he calls Mrs. Billy-Goat-Cheese-Ham) about Hhhhharvard's presence at Bayside (which he calls Bay-Dock-View-Side). You'd think an actor would be able to remember things like names and places, but I believe we've already demonstrated that James is not exactly skilled at his craft. After a few minutes of this nonsense, Zack escorts James out of the gym, beating him over the head with his Hhhhharvard sign on the way out, a gesture which Mrs. Bullshit would have to have been blind not to notice. In fact, the only person not blind in this scene is apparently Jessie, who bumps into James and sees through the whole ruse at once. This causes her, and the rest of the gang, to tell Mrs. Bullshit where she can shove it. Which is pretty easy to do when you're dealing with a fake university. Otherwise? Bullshit.

Meanwhile, James is in Belding's office, posing as Stanley Alan Taylor, president of the SAT board. For no other apparent reason than to provide a sight gag when it begins to fall off, James has donned an extremely fake beard for his new role. Mr. Belding must have somehow fallen victim to the same random bout of blindness as Mrs. Bullshit, because he totally fails to notice the falling-off beard as James lectures him to stop challenging Zack with difficult classes. (How Dennis Haskins kept a straight face during this scene is beyond me, since apparently Mark-Paul Gosselaar and the guy who plays James couldn't manage.)

Having been freed from his schedule of nerd classes, Zack (wearing a blazer and glasses he must have received from the same Department of Unnecessary Costuming that provided James with his beard) exits Belding's office and gives all of his advanced calculus and college-level Russian books to Jessie. Someone must have given her a long-overdue dose of Valium, because she tells Zack that it doesn't matter that he got a 1500 and she got a 1200. Zack wastes no time pointing out that his score was a 1502. And with that, it's official: Bullshit is to this episode as stink is to a monkey.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Man, Zack's smarter than Doogie Howser!" --Screech

Grade
Clare: B+. This is a notable episode (who among us hasn't compared our SAT scores to Zack Morris's?) but one that, in the post-high school era, ultimately requires too great a suspension of disbelief if one is ever to get past all the bullshit. Besides, haven't the ACTs made the SATs obsolete by now?

2005-05-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of really hideous clothing

We open at the Malibu Sands Beach Club, where the staff is gathered for the obligatory morning meeting. This time, Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi is preparing them for the upcoming Fourth of July weekend, detailing all of the activities that will occur therein, such as the Staff vs. Member Games and the Miss Liberty Pageant. Zack offers up the suggestion that, instead of barrel jumping, they leap over girls in swimsuits and call it bikini jumping. Unsurprisingly, neither Jessie nor Big L is too keen on this idea, although the random extra standing behind Zack and Jessie seems to like it.

Talk then turns to the Miss Liberty Pageant, specifically the lack of participants. When Carosi mentions that there's a $500 savings bond in it for the winner, Kelly naturally jumps all over the chance to rake in more cash to put toward the management of her humongous family. Screech also tries to get in on the action, but Big L puts a stop to that. And really, was being Miss Bayside not enough for him? He has to be Miss Liberty, too? When did Screech become the Jon-Benet Ramsey of SBTB? Anyway, Big L tells Zack that, as the ambiguously titled "social director," it's his job to convince girls to sign up for the pageant.

Zack, of course, takes this as an opportunity to hit on even more of the beach club's neon-clad female population by telling them they'll get dates with him if they sign up for the pageant. He makes no such promise to Stacey to get her to sign up, but he does tell her, "If I were a judge, I'd vote for you." Hey, Zack, better put some salt on those words, because you're going to be eating them later.

Meanwhile out on the beach, Slater is attempting to set up the obstacle course, but he's getting some criticism from last year's obstacle-course champion, Miss Lisa Turtle. Since when is Lisa, the prissiest girl at Bayside, an obstacle course champion? Whatever. Slater informs her that, in fact, he will be winning the obstacle course this year. Screech then shows up in a "Muscle Beach" sweatsuit to try his hand at the obstacle course and promptly gets stuck in the cardboard tube. Lisa and Slater walk away, totally unconcerned that their friend appears to be rolling toward his ultimate demise in the ocean.

Up at the dining room, Stacey finally agrees to sign up for the pageant. Big L happens to be within earshot when Stacey makes her big announcement and immediately erupts with paternal pride. He then grabs Zack and introduces him to his buddy, Mr. Edgewater. When Carosi reveals that Stacey will be competing in the pageant, Mr. Edgewater responds with, "Well, I say, old man, that's fantastic!" So apparently they plucked Mr. Edgewater right off the set of Mary Poppins. Anyway, Big L recuses himself from judging due to the obvious conflict of interest, putting Zack in his place instead. Yeah, I'm not sure making the guy who's trying to romance Stacey a judge is any less of a conflict of interest, but whatever.

Suddenly, now that Zack's a judge, every single one of his friends has come out of the woodwork to enter the pageant, including Jessie (what, no grandstanding about pageants being sexist and degrading to women?) and Lisa (won't she be too busy with the obstacle course?). However, it seems that the scales are beginning to tip in favor of Stacey, who for some reason is modeling her pageant dress for Zack in the employee lounge. She's complaining that the dress, which appears to have sequined firecrackers on it, makes her look like a firecracker. Well, what did she expect? Zack takes the hook of this obvious compliment-fishing and goes in for the kiss, only to be rudely interrupted by Slater, who walks in and sticks his head between Zack and Stacey in what I can only assume is an attempt to get in on the action. Because seriously? Normal people don't act that way when they walk into a room and see two people about to kiss. Anyway, after Zack kicks Slater out of the lounge, he asks Stacey to the big Fourth of July dance. She agrees, but unfortunately, Slater seems to have ruined the almost-kiss moment, so you'll have to hold those "wooo"s for later.

The next day, it's time for the big Fourth of July celebration, for which everyone is dressed in colonial garb, and Jessie is playing the fife and walking as if she has a wooden leg. Don't ask me why. Screech has come dressed as his own uncle Sam, although to the casual observer, he might also be Willy Lowman from Death of a Salesman. The games kick off at the obstacle course, where Slater does an exceptionally bad job on nearly every obstacle, causing Lisa and her questionable athletic ability to totally smoke him. Hey, didn't he set the obstacle course up? You'd think he would've practiced doing it at least once.

Next we're off to the wheelbarrow race, where Big L and Edgewater use some of Craig Strand's race-winning tips to knock Kelly and Jessie over. Jessie cries foul, yelling, "Illegal use of a big body!" Whatever, Spano. Let she who has not sinned cast the first stone. Finally, everyone gets even by throwing each other into a random pit of dirty water at the tug-of-war. Oh, and Lisa and Slater call a truce and agree to go to the dance together. But who cares about this crap? Let's get on to the real drama--the Miss Liberty Pageant!

Hey, remember Stacey's sequined firecracker dress? It's actually the most tame outfit here. Kelly appears to be dressed as a cross between Minnie Mouse and Laura Ingalls Wilder, wearing something polka-dotted with puffy sleeves and a pinnafore, which she's paired with some fetching granny boots. Jessie is dressed as the Statue of Liberty. No, really. Her entire body is cloaked in loose gray fabric. Thankfully, we are spared an explanation of the outfit's political motivations. Lisa, in a red bikini top, a hideous flag-emblazoned leather jacket, and a sequined...uh, policeman's hat, looks like the love child of RuPaul and one of the Village People. Hey, no wonder Slater wanted to take her to the dance!

Somehow, these four fashion victims make it to the final round (whoever heard of a top four? Where's Muffin Sangria when you need her?), which means they each have to say what the Fourth of July means to them. Lisa says it means "fun, fireworks, and 50 percent off at all major department stores." Hey, she's got my vote! Jessie starts blathering about...I don't know, Manifest Destiny or something, until Carosi shoos her off the stage. Stacey says, "I would buy everyone a puppy so that they can feel the love that I feel right now." All right, not really, but she says something equally affected and simpering. Kelly actually says something really articulate and insightful about freedom that I'm too lazy to write out word for word.

Time for the results! Instead of the sort of super-secret tabulation that accompanies, say, the Miss America Pageant, Carosi simply walks over to the judges' table and takes each of their votes one by one, reading it out loud so everyone knows who voted for whom. Nice. Of course, this is really just to create dramatic tension when Zack votes for Kelly instead of Stacey. Which it does, first when Big L fires him (oh, so setting up a competing business while wearing his company uniform is within bounds, but this he gets fired for?), and then when Stacey breaks off their date to the dance after hearing from Screech that Zack voted for Kelly to try to win her back.

Later at the dance, Stacey is sulking at the refreshment table, looking fetching in a polka-dotted slipdress worn over lace-edged bicycle shorts. I would make fun of her outfit, but I'm pretty sure that at the time, I either owned those shorts or desperately wanted to. Anyway, Kelly comes up to congratulate her on the whole first runner up thing, and Stacey fires back a sarcastic comment about Kelly's relationship with Zack. When Kelly learns that Screech is the source of the misinformation, she tells Stacey, "Screech thinks Elvis runs a daycare center for the Muppet Babies." Hey, in Screech's defense, "Nanny" was a very ambiguous character whose face was never shown. It totally could have been Elvis!

Stacey goes to find Zack and runs into her dad, who lets it slip that he tried to rig the Miss Liberty Pageant. After chewing him out, Stacey discovers Zack on the beach, where he's sitting with a bag and his glaringly white Air Jordans next to him. So what, is he waiting for someone to pick him up by boat? I guess it doesn't matter, because Stacey and Zack make up and head back to the dance hand-in-hand, much to the delight of the gang, plus some random tall guy who appears to be Jessie's date. Big L, on the other hand, is not so delighted to see his recent firee. He changes his tune, though, when Zack and Stacey convince him that Zack could sue him for unfair dismissal. They make it seem like they're totally bullshitting him, but really, I bet Ally McBeal would've taken on their case. And won, provided she didn't get distracted by, say, dancing babies or having sex with strange men in car washes.

But before Zack and Stacey can ring up Cage and Fish or whatever the hell that sham of a law firm was called, everyone gets distracted by the fireworks starting outside. Zack and Stacey decide to stay inside, presumably so they can kiss without Slater trying to get in on it, which seems to work pretty well. As they lock lips, we fade into a shot of the fireworks. Wow, that metaphor was almost as subtle as Lisa's Miss Liberty outfit.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"You're a Carosi! Like yeast, we rise to the occasion!" --Big L, to Stacey, upon learning that she's entering the Miss Liberty pageant

Grade
Clare: C+. What can I say? Beauty pageants on this show are really only fun when Screech is in them. But at least we were finally relieved of the sexual tension that had been building between Stacey and Zack for a whole two episodes.

2005-04-28T19:34:00.000-05:00

All we are saying is give chocolate-covered grasshoppers a chance

The gang, except Kelly and Slater for some reason (possibly because they're not relevant to the plot yet), is gathered for a student-council meeting, at the start of which Zack appears to be trying to shove some random nerd out of the door. We soon find out that this is because of his disdain for the nerds' (actually, four nerds, two dorks, and a dweeb) petition for a day of mourning on account of the cancellation of Gilligan's Island.

When the nerds' motion fails to pass, heretofore-unseen extra Graham (or, as I shall call him from now on, Grahamdhi), jumps up and starts yelling about plastic foam cups. Let me just say at the outset that I don't find Graham entirely unattractive. But he'd be a lot easier to take if he didn't seem so pretentious. And if he didn't yell every single thing he says in an attempt to convey "passion." And if he weren't wearing pants in that particular shade of burnt sienna.

Anyway, no one wants to talk about plastic foam. They want to talk about Cut Day, which is, according to Zack, the only reason he goes to school. Word. Unfortunately for Zack, he's already taken nine personal Cut Days this year, and, as Belding kindly points out, if he has one more unexcused absence, he'll get suspended. I would say that was harsh, but at my high school, if you had, like, two absences (even if they were excused), they practically kicked you out of school. Anyway, this threat from Belding doesn't stop Zack from making a $100 bet with Slater that he'll be able to cut anyway. Kind of like the fact that Zack is a heterosexual doesn't stop Slater from caressing Zack's face with his hand.

The next day in class, the only students there are Jessie and Grahamdhi , who are there for the big plastic-foam protest, and Zack, who is there to escape Belding's wrath. Once Belding has verified Zack's precise geocoordinates inside the hallowed halls of Bayside, and once Grahamdhi has yelled a little about female world leaders (nearly causing Jessie to jump him right there in class), Franklin--otherwise known as the "dweeb" on the Gilligan's Island Mourning Day Petition--comes in with some bogus story about how Zack owes $86 in overdue library books and must report to the library immediately. Right. Are we really supposed to believe that uber-slacker Zack Morris has ever been in the library, let alone enough times to rack up such a hefty fine? I certainly don't, but Random Teacher We've Never Seen Before and Will Never See Again apparently does. As does Jessie, which...isn't she supposed to be smart? Whatever.

Over at the Max, the usual booths have been removed and replaced with one of those games where the animals pop out and you whack them with a foam mallet (foam! Where's Grahamdhi when you need him?), as well as a bumper pool table. Maybe it's just me, but that seems like a lot of trouble to go to just for Cut Day. And especially when you consider that the only purpose of it (well, the pool table, at least) is so Slater can put the moves on Kelly. Hmmm. I suspect he's only using her to get to Zack. And it works--here's Zack now, ready to collect on his bet before he rushes back to class! Slater puts the brakes on this plan, however, when he says that Zack can only get the money if he shows up everywhere they go. Since when does Slater get to make up all the rules of the bet? That hardly seems fair.

Zack hurries back to Bayside just in time to escape the Wrath of Belding. Jessie still has not caught on to the whole library scheme, so Zack fills her in. Yet another random teacher (seriously, where were Mr. Dewey and Mr. Tuttle?) says that since no one's in class, they can have a free period. So what was the point of Zack coming to school, then, since he's obviously not going to learn anything? Whatever. Jessie and Grahamdhi decide to use their free time to make posters for the plastic-foam protest. I would like to point out that Graham's poster-making supplies include a yellow can of paint to go on his yellow posterboard. Good one, Einstein. Jessie is excited about her super-catchy protest slogan: "Plastic foam: The choice of idiots." Yeah, that might be the worst protest slogan I've ever heard. That's not catchy at all. Talk about idiots. These two are supposed to be the intellectuals of Bayside? Lord help us all.

However, even though Zack has stolen their can of red paint to paint Mr. Belding's car into a fire zone, they manage to still make signs with red letters on them, so maybe I should give them credit (for being able to perform magic, if nothing else). Plus, they now have much catchier slogans, like "Go home, plastic foam," which still isn't great (does plastic foam have a home?), but it's better than the one Jessie suggested. Meanwhile, Zack tracks the rest of the gang to the theater, where Kelly and Slater are getting cuddly to a zombie flick (which may or may not star Alan Thicke), and Screech is offering Lisa some of his chocolate-covered grasshoppers imported from Afghanistan. Afghanistan? I certainly hope Screech isn't supporting international terrorism with these chocolate-covered bugs.

Zack arrives back at Bayside just as Jessie and Grahamdhi are gearing up to protest the big plastic foam delivery. When he runs smack into Belding in the hallway, he pretends to be part of the plastic-foam protest, yelling along with Jessie and Grahamdhi at the delivery man, who is carrying what is quite possibly the smallest box of plastic foam cups I have ever seen. Seriously, there can't be more than like 100 cups in there, so even if the protest had been successful, it's not like it would have made that much of an impact. Not that that matters, because Belding shuts down the protest in about two seconds, telling them that they'll all get detention if they don't move aside. Apparently Jessie and Grahamdhi have never heard of civil disobedience, because they quickly acquiesce. They are the worst protesters EVER.

Meanwhile, over at the fakest beach ever, Kelly and Slater are getting down in the sand. Ew, not like that. They're dancing, because that's what people do at a beach. They dance. Yeah. As Slater continues to hit on Kelly by rubbing suntan lotion on her back, Zack shows up in a blue jumpsuit, explaining that Ernie the custodian is wearing a blond wig and taking his French test. I'm not sure I'd trust my French grade to the school janitor, but it's Zack, so it's not like his grades can get any worse. Anyway, Slater goes to get some sodas, and Kelly confesses to Zack that she kinda has the hots for Slater. OK, I assume that this episode occurs after Zack and Kelly have broken up (since Zack didn't fly into one of his trademark jealous rages upon seeing her with Slater), but still, isn't it a bit odd for him to be giving her advice about her love life? Especially when said love life involves his best friend/homosexual love interest?

Back at Bayside, Zack's last task of the day is sneaking out of Mrs. Culpepper's class, which doesn't seem to present much of a challenge, as Mrs. Culpepper appears to be blind, even with her Coke-bottle glasses. Of course, things get a bit trickier when Mr. Belding comes in and announces that he's just received a telegram that Mrs. Culpepper has won $2 million in the lottery, and Mrs. Culpepper is all like, "Screw this lousy job!" and runs out of the room. Uh, since when are lottery winners notified via telegram? Furthermore, who even sends telegrams anymore, other than the characters on Saved by the Bell? At any rate, Belding says he'll be taking over the class and dismisses everyone but Zack.

When a weary Belding reveals that he hasn't eaten lunch, Zack offers him one of Screech's chocolate-covered grasshoppers. Once Belding is safely ensconced in one of the men's room stalls, puking his guts out, Zack makes for the exit. However, he runs into Jessie and Grahamdhi, who are headed for the Max. When Zack points out that they're supposed to be saving the world, Jessie's all, "Yeah, well we tried, and now we're taking the rest of the day off." See? Worst protesters ever. As Zack is trying to prevent Jessie and Grahamdhi from colliding with Kelly and Slater, Belding emerges from the bathroom. Zack explains that he was just concerned about Belding's welfare and offers him a caramel caterpillar. OK, where did he get those? Is Zack part of this terrorist-supporting candy ring, too?

Somehow, Zack manages to make it to the Max before Jessie and Grahamdhi (perhaps they stopped along the way to weakly protest something), but not in time to keep Slater from seeing them...laughing together. This doesn't exactly look incriminating to me, but apparently it's enough for Slater to initiate The Talk about how they need to see other people. After a vague freak-out from Jessie about Slater's equally chaste interaction with Kelly, they announce to the gang that they've decided to see other people. One would assume that this would mean they would start dating the people who caused their break-up, but no, Grahamdhi and his burnt-sienna pants are on their way to the SBTB Bermuda triangle. And as for Kelly? I told you Slater was just using her to get to Zack.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Belding: Good morning, Zack.
Zack: That's easy for you to say, sir; they pay you to be here.

Grade
Clare: B+. A classic episode, yes, but I have to deduct a few points for the fashion violation that is Grahamdhi's burnt-sienna pants. (Didn't he know neon colors were in during the early '90s?) To say nothing of the points that are automatically deducted anytime Slater tries to hit on someone (other than Zack).

2005-03-08T08:55:00.000-06:00

RADD: Recappers Against Drunk Dummies

I guess it's homecoming time because there are shots of, like, 15 tacky signs, including a "Vote for Lisa Turtle: Homecoming Queen." Lisa and not Kelly? This must be a Tori episode. My suspicions are confirmed as Lisa bounces down the hallway steps to suck up to Tori and Zack for their votes. After they tell her that she already has their votes, she does what any sane canidate would do: asks why she's wasting her time with them and chases after the random bimbo of the episode. Let's just call her Teri. Because that's what Lisa called her. Slater, Screech and Ox come around the corner discussing the "big party." Slater has to remind Ox that they party's at his house because his parents are out of town. Giggles all around.

Later, Tori runs into the Max all hopped up on something and annouces Lisa's arrival. After Lisa comes through the door, Tori actually throws petals at her feet. This girl has some serious gender issues. They join Zack at the booth and soon after, Slater sulks over from the party planning table to complain about his cohorts. Tori sees them drinking ketchup and giving noogies and suggests a toga party since they're such animals. I could see a jungle themed party, but I don't really see how animals and toga parties are connected, unless it's a reference to Animal House. Which it is because the monkeys at table 2 start chanting "Toga," which they apparently cannot stop shouting as the screen flips and they're at the party, still shouting. Zack walks up to blonde bimbo - let's call her Tammy - and tried to look sexy with his bird chest. Let's call her Teri saunters up and Zack's the meat in a whore sandwich. Ox and some other guy bring in a tub full of beer and Slater is the first to succumb to peer pressure. He lures Zack with the rationale that they're seniors. Lisa - sitting on the foulest looking couch ever - is given her beer in a champagne glass on a tray with the phrase "Long live the queen," which is all she needs. Screech and Tori are the only ones who don't fool with this debauchery. Later, let's call her Tammy passes out on Tori and Tori leaves, knowing that her friends are obviously drunk, without offering to drive anyone home or take their keys. I'm now assigning blame to her for everything that happens after this point. Lisa tells Zack that she wants to leave as well, and they all try to ass off driving duty. When Screech - the sober one - offers to drive, they dismiss him. Zack, with beer still in hand, says that he'll drive and they all agree. Drunk logic, gotta love it. They drive down a pitch black road, drunkenly singing "Wild Thing" until Zack runs them off the road. And they all die. Man, wouldn't that be a crazy way to end the show?

But no. It ends up Tori gave them some money to tow the car to Zack's house. As they all mull over what happened to Dr. Turtle's car, Zack's dad shuffles in. They tell him that Lisa was driving and she swerved to miss a dog and they hit a telephone pole. That's feasible. Mr. Morris tells Lisa that he's going to call her mom to tell her that they're OK. She freaks out because her mom isn't home. That's not unlikely, her mom being a doctor and all, but drunk logic tells Zack to have Lisa call his dad, pretending to be her mom.

The next day, Zack and Lisa are at Zack's locker complaining about their hangovers. Dude, didn't they have, like, 2 beers? Whatever. Slater tells them that it'll cost $1000 to fix the car, but if they could steal a waterpump from the autoshop, it would cut the cost in half. They're on a roll. When trying to figure out a way to raise the other $500, they see Sylvester coming down the steps and convince him to buy a message proclaiming his love for someone named Agnes that will be displayed on Slater's jersey. Lisa then realizes that she forgot to call her mom and asks to use Zack's brick. She obviously lies her way through the entire conversation and her mom - who looks like she could really be Lark's mom - is none the wiser. Screech comes down the steps and offers to get the waterpump because he was no real purpose in this episode.

As Screech goes bumbling through an empty hallway, he has apparently succeeded at his mission. Belding catches him and inquires about his procured waterpump and discovers that there's something wrong with Lisa's mother's car. He chases after Screech to find out exactly what it is and Zack, Lisa and Tori come around another corner admiring the stitching handiwork that some girls did. He displays Slater's jersey, which is doubling as a billboard for nerd love. Those letters are pretty small; how is anyone supposed to read that? But they've got bigger problems as Slater joins them, arm in sling, and announces that he whacked his shoulder in the accident and won't be able to play. They walk Slater to his locker as Belding strides to his office. He tells Lisa that Screech told him about the accident - which involved bananas on the freeway and the apparent massacre of monkeys. Belding then asks Slater what happened to his arm, to which Zack replies that he threw his shoulder during practice. What is up with these elaborate lies? Just say you were in a car accident and leave out the drinking part. I knew this when I was, like, 12.

The next day at the pep rally, Belding announces that Slater won't be playing and then goes on to announce Lisa as homecoming queen. She enters from the back of the Max, apparently still using the makeshift dressing room she had for her fashion show. Her dress is very beauty pageant. In fact, I thought she was wearing a sash for the longest time until I figured out that it was actually part of her dress. She is crowned by a cheerleader who was popped up out of nowhere and her mom sneaks in and claps for an absurdly long time before Lisa notices her. She gives a really crappy speech and the crowd disperses. Zack panics until Slater and Tori tell him that they finished fixing the car. Sylvester demands his money back. Zack tells him that he doesn't have it and in the most gangster move ever, Sylvester just snatches Zack's phone. Priceless. Zack laments that he's had that phone since junior high and he asks what he did to get into this situation. "You drove drunk and ran into a telephone pole. Remember?" harps Tori. Rhetorical question, my friend. Rhetorical question. Lisa and her mom come over and Zack tells Dr. Turtle that the car is at his house because they washed and waxed it for her.

In Zack's garage, Lisa and Dr. Turtle and in the car while Zack and Slater look on. Why is Slater there? The engine won't turn over and the Turtles get out. Zack says that the wax must have clogged the fuel injection, which makes no sense. Have you been drinking again, Zack? Just as Dr. Turtle suggests that they leave, Zack's dad saunters in. Zack tries to hustle him out, but as he's leaving, he tells Slater that they car doesn't look like it's been in an accident. Dr. Turtle questions "accident" and Zack supplies that it's the accident with the wax. Mr. Morris questions the wax and he's caught. He admits the entire story. Dr. Turtle tells Lisa that she can forget about homecoming and they walk home. Zack's dad sends Slater home so he can tell Zack how disappointed he is in him. He tells Zack that it scares him that he could be so irresponsible. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys must not have met. Mr. Morris, this is your son. Think about it. Then Zack's dad takes away his car keys for a long while because he loves him and they walk off together.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Let's call her Teri: Zack, did you forget about me?
Zack: Et tu brunette?

Grade: A. This episode is classic. After fighting their struggles with drugs and Johnny Dakota, it took very little for them to get sloppy drunk. I also appreciate the fact that I was watching this as a pre-teen and knew I could easily lie my way out of this situation 10 times better than they could.

2005-03-01T16:57:00.000-06:00

Iowa: the land of farmers' daughters...and Slater.

The Max – a place of forgotten hobbies. Screech and Zack are standing at the booth messing with some audio equipment while Kelly, Jessie and Lisa are in the background going over some cheers. Slater walks in and the crowd goes wild. Ish. Wild-ish. Apparently he just won the city wrestling championship and Zack’s getting the exclusive interview for KKTY – the radio station reserved for bankruptcies and female wrestlers. Zack asks Slater stupid questions and after every answer, he looks at the girls, which prompts them to do an inane cheer. After the interview, they all head to the booth and Screech tells Jessie that she looks good in her miniskirt. Jessie replies with the greatest line she’s ever uttered – which I’ll save for later. Then she explains that she’s only cheerleading because it looks good on her college application. Makes sense that she started doing it after she mailed in her applications. Lisa asks if she’s heard anything and Jessie tells her that colleges don’t usually let you know until next week. What is this? Mid-October? Colleges don’t let you know until January/February. Get it straight. Screech says that he already got into four schools and conveniently pulls out the letters. He rattles off the names, one of which is Emerson. I got into Emerson! That makes me happy. Jessie interrupts, saying she applied to Ivy League schools, which are more careful about their selection process. Shut it, Spano. Emerson’s quality. Screech bursts her bubble by telling her that he got into Princeton. She freaks out and steals food from the waitress. Kelly tells some sob story about going to community college and Lisa tells her that pigging out will make her…well, a pig. Jessie tells Lisa not to give her attitude just because she already got into the fashion institute. It’s not attitude. It’s basic health. There’s a lull in the conversation in which everyone looks at the door to see some guy with a sports jacket covering up a too tight polo walk in. Slater informs everyone that the man is the wrestling coach from Iowa. He speculates that he might be there about his applications. It’s just that simple in their world, huh? Jessie tells him that colleges never accept people in person. And that is why Lisa was accepted to the fashion institute in person a week ago. Of course, the guy comes up and offers Slater a full wrestling scholarship. Just like that. “Hey, Slater, why don’t you come to Iowa.” “Sure.” Whatever. Slater can’t wait to tell his dad about the good news. His dad, however, has different plans. Later, at Slater’s house, his dad tells he and Zack that he’s set up an interview for Slater with a representative from West Point. Slater makes a face, turns around to Zack and says, “West Point? Ugh.” And his dad didn’t catch any of this as he tells Slater he knew he’d be thrilled. His dad leaves and Zack tells Slater that he can’t join the army because he’ll looks stupid with a crew cut. Oh, the logic of this show. Zack then promises Slater that he’ll get him out of it.

The next day at school, Jessie announces that she’s eating potato chips in the morning because Yale rejected her. Screech then rubs in her face that he was accepted into three more schools, including the Barbazon School for Modeling. When Lisa chortles about him being a fashion model, he exclaims that he thought it was a school where you put together model airplanes. I mean, did he not read the application?

Later, Belding and the West Point rep – who is a congressman – exchange pleasantries until the congressman tells Belding that he won’t hold being Belding’s “protégée” against Slater. To which Belding asserts his democratic power and tells his to watch it because he’s up for reelection next month. I told you. Mid-October. The crowd “oohs” as if the threat of wielding the power of the democratic process will actually do damage. Wait 12 years, my friends. Wait 12 years. Belding leaves and two seconds later Zack – dressed in full camouflage and wearing a black feathered mullet wig – saunters in and introduces himself as Slater. Zack immediately makes the mistake of not recognizing Slater’s dad’s name, but counters when he offers the suggestion of attacking Canada. Nice. He rolls around the office throwing around chairs and jumping on top of desks to illustrate the glory of his plan. After which he’s asked to leave.

In the hall, Jessie reveals that she got rejected from Harvard by opening her locker and letting the entire snack aisle of the 7-11 come cascading out. Slater and Zack join them and Zack tells Slater that he failed his interview. Kelly and Lisa admonish both Zack and Slater for their actions. I mean, do they not know these guys at all? I’m just trying to figure out why Slater couldn’t screw that up himself. I’m sure he could have acted just as much of an ass as Zack did. They all disperse and as Slater walks past Belding’s office door, they say hello. The congressman is surprised that the school has more than one A.C. and Belding figures out that Zack was the guy in the interview and vows revenge. I don’t really see where it’s his business, but whatever. Belding and the congressman storm in to random nerd teacher of the episode’s classroom and ID Slater and Zack to two MPs who take them away. You’d think that Slater, being an army brat and all, would know that this is not how this should go. Then again, this is the same Slater who couldn’t think to bomb his own interview.

Zack and Slater mull over their imminent jail time while handcuffed to each other in Belding’s office. Slater doesn’t seem to mind until Belding reminds him that his father will have to know. After some embarrassing groveling from the jailbirds, it’s finally revealed that it’s all a ruse. Zack tells Belding that Slater wanted him to fake the interview and after slamming the door in Zack’s face, Belding has a heart to heart with Slater and convinces him that he needs to talk with his father about the situation. Later Slater tells his dad that he wants to go to Iowa with his wrestling scholarship. His dad puts on the hurt parent face and tells Slater that he’s shipping out on Slater’s state championship wrestling day. Nice. Punish your son because you were too dense to think that your wrestler child might want to go to a school with a good wrestling program.

A few days later at the Max, Zack and Lisa are standing by the door waiting for Kelly, Jessie and Slater to complete the pep rally. Jessie and Kelly breeze in with Jessie’s last college response letter. Lisa rips it open to announce – with a bit of surprise in her voice I might add – that she was accepted to Columbia. Jessie bounces around like a total jerk to this news. Must be back on those caffeine pills. She then asks Zack if he’s made his choice and I’m distracted by his shirt. It has both the pattern and thickness of a Persian rug. I get my concentration back in time to hear that Zack is going to Yale due to his 1500 SAT score. Riiight. In a land far, far away. Slater shuffles in dejectedly, unable to get excited for the pep rally because his father hates him. Aww.

Before the big match, Slater’s in the locker room stretching in his singlet that’s just way too inappropriate for a TV-G rating. After another inane pep talk from Richie, Zack has apparently made Major Slater see his psyche-damaging ways and convinces him to see Slater. As Zack backs out to let them have their moment, Slater throws a towel at him. It bounces off of his head and I’ve never seen hair snap back like that. How much mouse did they put in that kid’s hair? Slater’s dad tells him that he realizes that he’s confused about who he really is and he thought the army was a good way to go, but after the thought about it, he figured that Slater had the right idea with wrestling. Or something like that.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Screech: Looking good in the mini-skirt, mama.
Jessie: Why don't you go bite a stray dog.

Grade: B-. It was nice to see Jessie get cut down a few times. And Zack's feathered mullet wig will go down forever in history. I enjoyed the effort to give Slater a bit more dimension.

2005-02-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

How to lose a job in two days

We open with various shots of people in full early-'90s beachwear frolicking in the sand. You know, if I didn't know any better, I would swear this is that season of 90210 where Brandon works at the beach club and Brenda and Donna go off to Paris, where Brenda pretends to be French to impress Dean Cain and Donna eats brains and is a really heinous fashion model, and Kelly and Dylan totally hook up in her mom's cabana. My absolute favorite 90210 episode of all time is from that season--the one where Kelly and Dylan hook up for the first time, and where Andrea finally tells Brandon off for stringing her along, which makes him kiss her. Oh, Andrea and Brandon. They were one of my favorite 90210 love stories. Well, except for that time she offered to have sex with him at The Peach Pit. That was just uncomfortable for all parties involved, and I don't just mean Andrea and Brandon...

Oops. Wrong early-'90s show. Where was I again? Oh, yeah. A Zack Voice Over reminds us that we're not on the beach season of 90210, but rather the beach season of Saved by the Bell. Now with 50 percent fewer production values! Anyway, Zack daydreams that his summer working at the Malibu Sands beach club will mean "fun in the sun, gorgeous girls and cash in [his] pocket." However, Leon "The Poor Man's Danny DeVito" Carosi has other ideas, namely that Zack's summer won't involve any of these things. Even the cash in the pocket part? What are these, like unpaid internships? God, I hope not.

Anyway, Zack cracks wise, as per usual, causing Big L to single him out of the group. Zack introduces himself as "your new head waiter." Uh, based on what qualifications? I guess it doesn't matter, because Big L again has other plans for Zack. He switches him over to the job of "social director," which involves responding to the members' every whim. Not to get all Brandon Walsh here again, but it sounds to me like that job title should be more like "cabana boy." But I'm not running the beach club here, so whatever. Big L moves on to Kelly, the one person who is actually qualified to be part of the wait staff, but is instead a lifeguard, ostensibly because she's the girl who looks best in a bathing suit. (I feel that anyone who's seen Showgirls might beg to differ.) Anyway, when Big L expresses concern that Kelly is too small (presumably in the chest area) to be a Baywatch Babe, Jessie, to the surprise of exactly no one, starts yapping about discrimination. Big L notes her inability to shut up and says she'll make a fine receptionist. What the hell is going on here, exactly? Why are they being told their jobs on the first day of work? Didn't they apply and interview for specific positions? And furthermore, why are they just now meeting Big L? Wouldn't he have been the one to interview them? My head hurts.

Said headache not helped at all by the blinding neon bathing suits of the two beach bunnies that Zack is slathering with sunscreen. Elsewhere, Screech is being a bit too much of a perfectionist in his new job as a waiter, the fact that he appears to be waiting tables on the beach notwithstanding. Up at the club, Big L is giving Jessie some pointers on how to properly answer the phone until he discovers an ass that needs kissing. He scurries off, giving the gang a chance to congregate around the desk and plan Zack's surprise party. They'll be having it at Lisa's parents' beach house, where Kelly and Jessie are also staying, presumably parent-free, for the summer. Like, how the hell did they get away with that? Are we sure this isn't 90210? Because that seems like the only show where the parents (save the Walshes, of course) are checked out enough to let that happen.

The birthday planning comes to an end when Zack walks up to the desk to bitch about his job. Dude, you haven't even finished the first day, and all we've seen you do up to this point is slather sunscreen on some neon-clad girls, so I'm not sure what the problem is here. Zack's mood lifts, however, when an as-yet-unidentified Stacey Carosi walks past the desk. She's wearing a ruffly skirt and an oversized blazer, which I guess must be the New York version of the Hot Girl Uniform. Anyway, she tells Zack that she's looking for someone, to which he spouts out some drivel about how we're all looking for someone. Stacey responds drily, "How profound." Oh, Stacey. I love you. Anyway, she tells Zack she's looking for Big L, and he asks why she wants to see that jerk. Which is probably not the best thing to say to a complete stranger whose relationship to the person in question is unfamiliar to you. Don't believe me? Witness Exhibit A: "That jerk's my father," says Stacey, not a little smugly. Zack tries to cover his ass, but it's way too late. Did I mention that I love Stacey?

The next day, Big L gathers the staff for another meeting and introduces them to Stacey, who will be their boss. I would ask what qualifications Stacey, who is presumably the same age as the rest of the gang, has to be in charge of them, but we've already established that qualifications are totally arbitrary here at the Malibu Sands Beach Club. She goes all drill sergeant on them, particularly on Zack, who cannot seem to make it through a staff meeting without indulging in a wisecrack. Not a great strategy, that, for someone who wants to keep his job.

And who wouldn't want to keep this job, the entire purpose of which seems to be to frolic with girls in neon bathing suits? This time he's playing volleyball with them, and putting some very Patrick Swayze-esque moves on the one in the most neon suit. Seriously, maybe it's just the reception on my TV, but this girl's bathing suit is so bright that it's actually creating a ring of light around her posterior. Short of pulling a J.Lo and taking out a million-dollar insurance policy on it, that seems like a pretty good way to call attention to your ass. Stacey happens to walk up in the middle of Zack's seduction, and we find out that, in fact, frolicking with the neon-clad beach bunnies is not part of his job description. Well, I could see how he could get confused if they insist on calling him "social director." Cabana boy, I tell you! Cabana boy!

Jessie, meanwhile, is up at the desk, trying to order Zack's birthday cake. Nothing like using the company phone to make personal calls on your second day of work. She's interrupted first by Big L and then by Zack, who's coming to the desk to (surprise, surprise) bitch about his job again. When he sees Screech walking past with a fat wad of cash he's made in the dining room, however, Zack begins to cook up one of his grand moneymaking schemes. Oh, this should be good.

And indeed it is: Cut to Screech on the beach, wearing a hot dog costume and touting wieners at half the price of the Sand Cafe. Sadly, there is no cute girl dressed as a giant Pepsi for him to fall in love with; there is only Zack, peddling hot dogs on the beach while still wearing his Malibu Sands uniform, I might add, which is so many levels of inappropriate that I just don't know where to start. Big L walks up and quite rightly asks Zack just what the hell he thinks he's doing. Zack points out that the Malibu Sands property line ends approximately two inches from where he's parked his cart, so he's well within his rights to sell hot dogs. Yeah, except that he shouldn't be doing it in his uniform. And furthermore, I'd imagine that, even though it is a public beach, he has to have some sort of permit or license to have that cart, which I doubt he's been able to procure, although I am rather impressed with his ability to find a stocked hot dog cart and hot dog costume on such short notice. Anyway, instead of firing him on the spot and getting the zoning commission (or whomever is in charge that sort of thing) to regulate on his impertinent, hot-dog-selling ass, Big L lets Zack blackmail him into giving him his old job as a waiter back. Blackmailing your boss: another good thing to do on your second day of work.

Happily ensconced in the dining room, Zack immediately sets to work flirting with all the female customers. However, his charms are lost on Stacey, who tells him to quit being such a playa and tuck in his shirt. Which is a shame, because I am actually finding him really attractive with the untucked shirt. I think I need to get out more. Anyway, Zack reminds Stacey that employees are not allowed to eat in the dining room, and she pulls the nepotism card, bratting that "That rule doesn't apply to the boss's daughter." And this is where I begin to fall a little out of love with Stacey, because she really didn't have to go there. She could have just as easily said, "That rule doesn't apply to managers." And on top of that, she continues to be unnecessarily rude to Zack, who actually doesn't deserve it this time. (Then again, maybe I am just mesmerized by his hotness in the untucked shirt.) Eventually, Zack's had enough and tells Stacey to find another waiter, flinging his order pad at her as he stomps off. Again, this is not a good thing to do on your second day of work (or at all, really, if you're a waiter and want to keep your job), but I can kind of see his point this time.

Kelly, Slater and Lisa are hanging out in the employee lounge (hey, why does Lisa get to hang out in the employee lounge? She's not an employee) when Zack fumes in, fresh from his confrontation with Stacey. She walks in moments later and orders the others to leave. Although, sadly, this time it's not so they can make out. It's so they can yell at each other again, some more, because apparently they haven't done that enough. Zack takes the opportunity to get his digs in, calling her on the nepotism (word) and saying she's too busy being an East Coast snob to get to know any of them. He concludes by saying that she doesn't belong in the employee lounge, since it's for real employees. (So again, what the hell was Lisa doing in there?) The SBTB studio audience gets in some nice "Oooh"s, and you can actually hear this one guy say very clearly, "Busted!" Every time I have seen this episode, I've always thought how cool it would be to be the guy in the SBTB studio audience who said "Busted!" Like, do you think he went home and watched this episode with his friends and then was like, "That's me! I'm the one who said 'Busted!'" Because that's totally what I would have done.

Elsewhere, in the land where Zack and Stacey aren't fighting and some other people are trying to plan a surprise party for Zack, Lisa has apparently forgotten to OK the use of the beach house for Zack's party with her parents, and they're planning on throwing a party of their own on the same night. So Slater comes up with the brilliant idea of sneaking into the club after hours and holding it there, which is (you guessed it!) yet another thing you don't want to do on your second day of work. Seriously, why couldn't they just have it on the beach? Whatever.

Slater lures Zack and Screech (who, being unable to keep a secret, has not been informed about the party, either) to the club under the pretense of meeting some hot babes. But when they get there, the big surprise party is unveiled, and everyone commences with some really goofy dancing (particularly Slater, although that should come as no surprise). Just as Zack is blowing out the candles on his cake (which reads "Happy Wrong Number by the Sea," thanks to Jessie the uber-receptionist), Big L marches in and puts a stop to the festivities. Busted! (That's not really the same, is it?) He tells them they're all fired, like seriously, it's about damn time! But oh no, here comes Stacey to save all their asses by telling her dad she'd given them permission to use the dining room but just had forgotten to mention it to him. If I were Big L, I would've let the firing stand, given what completely sucky employees they all are, but he just says good-night and heads back to bed. After telling them they'd better have the place spotless again by morning (a request which causes Lisa to look incredibly put upon, like what is her deal? It's not like she even works there, although sometimes I'm not sure she remembers that), Stacey also takes her leave. Zack stops her, but instead of inviting her to stay like any normal, non-rude person would do, he simply suggests that she buy him a surfboard as a birthday present. Instead of saying something along the lines of, "Dream on, loser!", which is totally what the Stacey Carosi of 10 minutes ago would have said, she just smiles coyly at him. Oh, Stacey's spine. We hardly knew ye.

--Clare

Grade
Clare: B-. Although it's infuriating, it really doesn't surprise me how hard the gang (particularly Zack) sucks at anything involving the least bit of responsibility. At least Stacey is entertaining for a while, until she becomes a total bitch and then a total pushover.

2005-02-11T19:15:00.000-06:00

College girls are easy

Zack is at the Max, telling us about the big project they have due in photography class. Hey, Zack, the Navajo Indians called--they want their blanket back, and they don't really appreciate you appropriating it as a hideous patterned shirt. Over at the booth, Screech is examining Slater's nose hairs with a telephoto lens. Is this part of his assignment? Because, ew. Zack inquires after Slater's project, and he goes into ecstasies about a butterfly he saw fluttering over the flowers. I would've thought Slater's project would have drawn a little more inspiration from Robert Mapplethorpe, but whatever. Zack, in usual fashion, has not started his project yet, but claims to be searching for "inspiration."

Right on cue, in walks a girl (and I use the term "girl" loosely, because much like the Sketchinator, if she's in college, she must be a 16th-year senior) in a totally inspiring off-the-shoulder cut-off USC sweatshirt. Zack grabs Screech's camera and starts snapping pictures of her. Danielle (for we soon learn that this is the "girl"'s name) seems to find this charming and not at all stalkerish. Zack comments on her fetching sweatshirt and asks if she's a "fellow Trojan." OK, not that I wouldn't buy Zack as a college student (he certainly looks old enough), but how many USC students hang out at the Max? Not many, I think. Apparently I'm right, because Danielle is only there because she's got a flat tire. The pay phone is occupied, but Zack comes to her rescue with his gigantic cell phone (which, according to Dustin Diamond on the DVD audio commentary, was referred to by the cast as "The Brick"). When Danielle finds out that she's going to have to wait an hour to get her tire changed, Zack offers to change it for her. She gets all up in his grill and says seductively, "You are so sweet I could kiss you." Oh, Danielle. Don't you know they won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? Surely you've learned that by now, with all those years in college. Anyway, Zack says, just as seductively, that they'll "discuss [his] fee later," and they walk out of the Max hand-in-hand. Uh-huh.

Zack returns to the Max and tells the boys that Danielle invited him out to The Attic on Saturday night. Just as Screech is getting excited about the possibility of seeing bats, Slater exposits that The Attic is an over-18 dance club, which poses a problem for 16-year-old Zack. Not so, says Zack, glancing craftily at the camera and telling them that they'll all be 18 by tomorrow. Apparently Screech's mom is kicking him out of the house at 18 (like, how harsh is that? I could see if she were sending him to college or something, but most people turn 18 before they start college), so he runs off to find a new place to live.

Later, in photography class, Zack and Slater tell Screech to be careful and not let Belding (who is teaching the class, I guess because Mr. Tuttle wasn't available) see them making fake IDs. Here's a suggestion, boys: How about not making them in class? But Zack has bigger fish to fry, because Screech has apparently made Zack's ID to say that he's 54. If I were Zack, I'd be more concerned about how those flimsy paper IDs don't even remotely resemble real driver's licenses, but whatever.

The next night in Zack's room, the guys are in their jammies (and I totally want a pair like the one Screech has on, with little pigs all over it) as Zack goes over the plan for the evening: As soon as his mom says good-night, they scram. You know, I'm not an expert on sneaking out or anything, but it seems to me that you might want to wait until your parents are actually asleep before you leave. Anyway, She of the Bad Perm (aka Zack's mom) enters bearing brownies and milk and looking absolutely ravishing in a turquoise unitard and oversized V-neck sweater. After checking the closet for hidden girls (I guess cardboard cutouts of Kelly don't count), she takes her leave, and the guys blow up their inflatable doppelgangers and strip down to the party clothes they have on under their pjs. You know, judging by Slater's bolo tie and Screech's colorblocked shirt (which unfortunately includes both magenta and chartreuse blocks), I think they might have been better off in the pajamas.

The guys arrive at the supposedly over-18 club--judging by the people in line, however, it looks like it's actually an over-35 club. The mulleted 30-something guy in front of them gets busted for having a fake ID, so I guess his said he was 18 or something. Zack and Slater make it in by using a deep voice and complimenting the bouncer on his scar, respectively, but Screech gets stalled in line because he's...well, acting like Screech. Fortunately, Cyndi Lauper's larger, less attractive cousin Reggie walks up at just that moment and takes a liking to Screech, telling the bouncer to let him inside.

Once inside, Slater and Zack give us a preview of what will eventually become Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan's SNL sketch, bobbing their heads and saying loudly in unison, "Hey, babe!" as a 40-year-old woman in a spandex dress walks by. Instead of responding with scorn and derision, this woman actually smiles at them. Oh, the over-35 set. They can be so desperate. Anyway, Danielle comes in, and we find out that this desperate woman is actually her friend Joan. ("Joan"? Good Lord, maybe she's older than I thought.) After Danielle plants one on Zack (ho), he introduces Slater to the ladies. Joan asks what the "A.C." in his name stands for, and he tells her, "Absolutely charmed." Yeah, nice try, buddy. We know the truth. Anyway, Zack and Danielle run off to dance or fornicate or something, and Joan asks Slater to dance. He immediately starts telling her he has a girlfriend, but she's like, "Hey, I just want to dance, not get married." Uh, if you say so, Joan.

Cut to later that evening, when Slater is showing Joan and her not-quite-as-middle-aged friend pictures of Jessie, including, apparently, her kindergarten dance picture. Why he even has that is beyond me, to say nothing of why he has it in his wallet. Anyway, Joan is sick of Slater (word) and demands that they leave. Zack tells Danielle he'll call her, and they pick up Screech, who seems to have fallen asleep in the bouncer's arms. On their way out the door, however, Slater spots The Sketchinator dancing with a girl who is most definitely not Kelly. When he bends down to kiss this non-Kelly girl, all three guys scream, "Whoa!" in a very Bill-and-Ted manner. I can't imagine Jeff didn't notice this, as the "club" is about the size of my living room, but apparently he didn't. Maybe he was too busy being sketchy.

The next day in photography class, Jessie asks Slater if they had fun last night at their little sleepover. Wait, so their parents let them sleep over on a school night? I find that about as improbable as the fact that they didn't get caught when they snuck out before Zack's parents were asleep. Anyway, the guys catch up on their beauty sleep as Mr. Belding bores everyone with slides from his trip to Sea World, and then sleep some more in the hallway. When Jessie and Lisa ask what's up, Screech lets it slip that they went to The Attic. Jessie is pissed that Slater went dancing without her and is also outraged to hear that they got in using fake IDs. And she's not too happy either when Screech lets the "Jeff's cheating on Kelly" cat out of the bag, too. Everyone agrees that someone needs to tell Kelly how sketchy Jeff is (which I personally would have done about three episodes ago), and they all seem to think Zack is the right one for the job. Yeah, because the best person to tell a girl that her boyfriend's cheating on her is the guy she dumped for him. Zack agrees with me and raises a protest, but the others talk him into it.

And now we see why this is a bad idea: Kelly (at work, which is a totally inappropriate setting for this conversation, like way to go, Zack) calls Zack a "maggot-mouthed liar" (which is almost as random an insult as "squid") and accuses him of being jealous. As Zack storms out of the restaurant, Jeff comes up and asks what's going on. Instead of confronting him about the cheating like any normal person would do, Kelly brushes it off and asks about their date Saturday night. Jeff gets all squirrely and cancels on her, saying he has to work. Which is not a very good lie, seeing as they work at the same place. As he leaves, Kelly seems to have caught on, at least partially, to his true sketchiness. Maybe there's hope for her yet.

The gang, meanwhile, wants to make sure, so they're setting up a sting operation that involves a very ancient-looking electric-blue instamatic camera. When everyone leaves Screech to make more fake IDs (about which he comments, "They'll be sorry when I'm gone," like was that a suicide threat or something?), Kelly comes in and starts grilling him about what he did or didn't see at The Attic. Screech cracks under the pressure of trying to keep Jeff's infidelity a secret, which I don't really understand because didn't they agree to tell her? And for that matter, didn't Zack already tell her? Whatever. Maybe they didn't want to mess up the big instamatic-camera sting.

The Attic. Operation Prove Jeff's Sketchiness Once and For All is in full swing. Lisa's trying to pick up some boys, but Zack, freaking out about the absence of Danielle, is totally salting her game, as the kids say. (Or as the kids on The O.C. say, at least. I have no idea what the kids are actually saying these days.) Screech, meanwhile, appears to have stolen the beard off of some poor Hasidic Jew in an attempt to disguise himself from Reggie. It is to no avail, however, as she spots him and drags him onto the dance floor.

Meanwhile, over at Casa Morris, She of the Bad Perm walks into Zack's room humming "Puff the Magic Dragon" to deposit Zack's souvenir from the Peter, Paul & Mary concert she went to. "He'll like this," she muses, laying the poster out on the bed. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it'll go great with his UB40 poster. Ha! Just as she's about to leave, "The Brick" starts ringing, so she goes to answer it. Hey, look, I think we finally found something bigger than Zack's cell phone--his mom's hair! Anyway, it's Danielle on the other end, and she unwittingly fills Mrs. M. in on all of Zack's late-night escapades.

Back to said escapades, which still involve the salting by Zack of Lisa's game. She attempts to lose him and almost bumps into The Sketchinator and his lady friend. She hustles the gang together, but just as they're getting ready to make good use of the instamatic camera, Kelly walks in. I would ask how she got in without having a fake ID of her own, but in this scene, she looks about 35, so I think I know. Anyway, the gang attempts to keep Kelly from seeing Jeff (but didn't they want...ah, screw it), but due to the aforementioned smallness of the club, this is virtually impossible. Kelly somehow acquires a heretofore unseen spine (perhaps she borrowed Jessie's or Lisa's) and tells Jeff off, stopping short of slapping him or throwing a drink in his face, which is a shame, because that would've been awesome.

Lisa and Jessie hustle her off to the ladies' room (which is no locker room, but I guess it'll have to do), while Zack mopes about his lack of date. His mom walks up and tells him not to worry, that Danielle will be there at 11. The guys jump up and try to cover their asses, but the jig is up. She confiscates their fake IDs and starts to herd them out of the club. (So I guess Kelly, Jessie and Lisa get to stay? That doesn't seem fair.) On their way out, they run into Danielle, who paws all over Zack and tells Mrs. Morris (whom Zack claims is his sister) how hot her "brother" is. Yeah, even if you really think she's his sister, that's still not appropriate. Danielle needs to get laid and shut up, although not necessarily in that order. Anyway, after Zack manages to pry himself out of Danielle's desperate grasp, She of the Bad Perm looks around approvingly and says the club is pretty cool. (Well, of course--it's for people her age!) She suggests the boys come back...when they're 18. Or, you know, 35.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Belding: And here's a picture of Mrs. B. at Sea World.
Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?
Belding: That is not Mrs. B., that is Shamu.

Grade
Clare: B+. The plus is only because this episode finally managed to rid us of The Sketchinator. Otherwise, I just found Desperate Danielle and her thirtysomething friends incredibly tiresome.

2005-02-07T09:14:00.000-06:00

Break me up before you go-go

We open at the Max, where Kelly and Zack and Jessie and Slater are sitting in the usual booth, being all schmoopy. Zack is totaling up the minutes that he and Kelly have been together, while Slater puts milkshake on Jessie's nose and calls her "honey lips." Ugh. Is this really what people need to see first thing in the morning? After some disgusting and vaguely inappropriate banter about seeing Jessie "shake," Kelly points out that the two of them have been together since prom, so why don't they just make it official and "go steady"? Um, I'd say because it's not 1952, but Jessie has another answer. She says, somewhat predictably, that they find monogamous relationships to be "restrictive and possessive." Well, yeah...when you're using someone as a beard, you need the freedom to date other people, you know? Anyway, Kelly starts to wax poetic about the joys of monogamy, but Zack can't stick around because he's late for geometry. Surprisingly, the mention of geometry does not cause Jessie to break out into hives. I guess the therapy must be working.

Later in the hallway, Jessie spills the news that she and Slater have succumbed to Kelly's peer pressure and 1950s-era lingo and have decided to go steady. Kelly suggests that they go out on Saturday night to celebrate. God, Kelly, how about letting them make a decision or two about their relationship for a change? Slater and Jessie are too busy being schmoopy (ugh) to resent Kelly's excessive input, however, and agree to go decide on a plan. Kelly runs into Zack by her locker (which appears to be festooned with heart stickers and a picture of a panda bear, like how old is she, seven?) and casually mentions that she's having dinner with Todd Winfield, not to be confused with Todd Wakefield, Elizabeth's boyfriend in the Sweet Valley High books. Zack exposits that Todd Winfield is Kelly's ex, who drives a Ferrari and looks like Mel Gibson. OK, how old is this guy, because based on the information Zack has just given us, he can't be all that young. Needless to say, Zack is pretty wigged to find out that Kelly has a sugar daddy.

At the Max, Lisa is trying to pump Screech for information about the Kelly/Zack/Todd situation. When that well of gossip turns out to be dry, she shifts her attention to Slater, who is there to tell Jessie what he's planned for their date. Um, didn't they just say they were planning it together? Whatever. Jessie arrives and announces that she has their date all planned. Slater says he does, too. Any sane person would have noticed a problem right there, but Jessie, all excited about her date plans and possibly hopped up on caffeine pills, steamrolls ahead with her proposed evening: dinner at Cafe Diane, which seems to sit fine with Slater, and the ballet, which definitely does not. He asks Jessie if she knows how hard it was for him to get Raiders tickets. Well, considering they just decided to go steady earlier that day, and he already has the tickets in hand, I'd say not too hard. Jessie, predictably, climbs up on her chauvanist-pig soapbox, tells Slater off, then storms out of the Max.

While Kelly and Lisa are still reeling from having eavesdropped on that conversation, Zack walks in and asks to talk to Kelly. As Lisa again blatantly eavesdrops, Zack tells Kelly that she is forbidden to go out with Todd. Oh, Zack. Don't you know that Kelly needs Todd's money to support her gigantic family? Kelly doesn't really tell him this in so many words, but she does tell him he can't tell her who to be "friends" with. So Zack drags out the old ultimatum: Either she calls off the date with Todd, or they're through. Unfortunately, this plan backfires, and Kelly also storms out of the Max.

The next day, everyone is at a student council meeting, separated by gender on opposite sides of the room like they're at a middle-school dance. Jessie rescinds a motion to buy uniforms (for what sport is never specified) and proposes using the money to establish a dance department instead. The guys are very upset over the loss of these non-specific "uniforms," and a battle of the sexes erupts that is so intense it causes Mr. Belding to break his gavel.

Although they weren't the only ones yelling, but because they are the only ones central to this plot, Belding rounds up Kelly, Jessie, Zack and Slater in his office and demands an explanation for the fight. They all start yelling again, until Mr. Belding yells over them and gets them to be quiet. (Hey, why didn't he just do that in the meeting? He could've saved himself a gavel.) Finally, the explanation comes out, although not without some choice insults ("meathead" and "skinny lips") from Jessie and Slater. Along with me, Mr. Belding expresses some disbelief at these insults and tells them all to grow the hell up. Of course, he then gets a not-at-all-contrived call from his wife, who ends up kicking him out of the house when he refuses to let her mother stay with them, giving the gang license to smirk at him openly. After the phone call, he predictably takes the guys' side, giving Jessie and Kelly license to employ some overly dramatic hair flipping.

Over at the Max, Screech and Mr. B. are closing the place down as he cries into his coffee over with went wrong with the missus. If I were him, I'd be more upset that my only confidante was a geeky student. But whatever. Screech tries several times to get away, but Belding isn't having any of it.

Meanwhile, at Zack's, Slater and Zack are lying in bed together, ostensibly waiting for a call from Kelly and/or Jessie. Yeah, right! We all know this is the moment Slater's been waiting for. However, before he can make his move, Screech arrives at the door with Belding in tow. Mr. B. compliments Zack on his digs, then makes himself at home. OK, hanging out with one of your students after school on campus (or near campus, or wherever the hell the Max is supposed to be) is one thing, but this? Is probing new levels of desperation. Have some self-respect, Richie!

At what I guess we're supposed to believe is the same time, Kelly, Jessie and Lisa are at the now-full Max (huh?), where the former two are moping about their men. Lisa gets all sassy (I love sassy Lisa!) and convinces them they've been too hard on the guys. She offers to go over to Zack's and wave the white flag on their behalf. But unfortunately, when she gets there, the boys and Belding are in the middle of their bonding session, and he's able to convince them that they're better off without women. Which is true when you're gay, like Slater is, and like I'm beginning to think Belding might be, because he's been touching Screech an awful lot in this episode. Hmm.

The next morning, Zack wakes up with what looks like a nasty pizza hangover and starts hallucinating Kellys everywhere, including in his closet, which appears to be filled entirely with various turquoise shirts. Zack, the next time Jessie offers you drugs, just say no! Also, buy some new clothes. Clad in one of these many turquoise shirts, and with his gigantic cell phone in tow, Zack tracks Slater down in the locker room, where he's doing his 437th bicep curl (I am soooo sure). Slater reveals that he's also been hallucinating (just say no!), and the boys conclude that Belding is wack. And I concur, as he walks into the locker room in his bathrobe with shaving cream all over his face. Apparently he's been staying at the school. Dude, haven't you ever heard of checking into a hotel? Like, maybe the one you were going to put your mother-in-law in? Anyway, Belding lays out the plan for the night: tacos and bowling, on him. Not that I'd want to hang out with my high-school principal on a regular basis or anything, but if he's paying, I'd have a hard time saying no. But apparently, Zack's had about all the Belding he can take, so he stops time and uses his gigantic cell phone to set in motion the wheels of reconcilliation.

Cut to Belding's office, where he's admiring a dozen of the tiniest roses I have ever seen. Seriously, you can barely see the petals on these things. Zack's cell phone bill must have been outrageously high this month or something. Anyway, Zack and Slater are totally unconvincing as they pretend to be surprised by the roses, and are then even more unconvincing as they pretend to be upset that Mr. B. is going back to his wife. As Belding beats a hasty retreat, Slater puts his hand on Zack's shoulder and pleads, "Oh, Preppy, don't you ever leave me." Then they share an air kiss. Awww. I always knew those two crazy kids would make it.

Sadly, even though it should, the episode does not end there. Kelly and Jessie walk into a darkened Max, each clutching miniscule roses that I assume were nicked from Belding's bouquet. They make their way to their "reserved" seats (whatever), and a spotlight (whatever) illuminates Zack, who welcomes us to the "What I Should've Said Theater." In Act One, Lisa, wearing an excessive amount of denim and a horrible wig, confronts Slater about the plans for their big going-steady celebration. It's worth mentioning that in this sequence, both Lisa and Slater manage to get their digs in at Jessie, but she totally doesn't notice. Anyway, although "Jessie" is an uber-bitch to Slater (man, did Lisa nail her character, or what?), Slater rips up the football tickets and says he'd rather go to the ballet. When "Jessie" expresses surprise that he likes the ballet, he rips off his velcro-ed on clothes to reveal a low-cut black unitard and asks, "What does this tell you?" Well, for starters, it tells me that you are, without a doubt, 100-percent gay. And it also tells me that you've been stuffing your unitard with a sock.

Anyway, after Slater shows off waaaay too much ballet proficiency for a guy who claims not to like the ballet, he and Lisa exit stage left, and we fade up (whatever) on Zack and "Kelly" (aka Screech, once again in drag). Screech also appears to have mastered his character, as he perfectly emulates Kelly's hair flip. Zack delivers a very sincere and heartfelt speech about how he shouldn't be so controlling because Kelly should be allowed to have a sugar daddy. When the house lights come up (whatever), Kelly and Jessie rush to hug their respective men. As Screech cries about how he doesn't know which bathroom to go in (might want to get some pointers from Jessie, there, buddy), Slater tries not to look too disappointed that his love affair with Zack has been dashed once again. Oh well, I'm sure he'll meet some nice men in the ballet.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Lisa: Todd Winfield's going out with Kelly? But what about Zack?
Screech: I think Todd likes Kelly better.

Grade
Clare: A-. Although Slater and Jessie's fight follows the trite and tiring "chauvanist pig" argument, I have to give props to any episode that lets Slater be this gay-riffic. And what can I say? You know I'm a sucker for Screech in drag.

2004-09-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

How to have your Bavarian chocolate cream cake and eat it, too

We open at the Malibu Sands staff meeting, where Leon "The Poor Man’s Danny DeVito" Corosi is inexplicably absent. Zack decides to take advantage of this opportunity to try out his impression of Big L, which pretty much guarantees that the man himself is going to walk up behind Zack and catch him in the act. So why is Zack so surprised when this happens? Has he never seen a sitcom before? Kelly attempts to smooth things over by explaining that Zack was just trying to get everyone pepped up before the meeting, adding, "A happy staff is a snappy staff!" One summer of lifeguarding next to Slater, and now she’s making up stupid rhymes, too. Anyway, Mr. Corosi announces that he has to be somewhere else for the day, so he’s leaving Stacey in charge. She promises to keep her eye on Zack in particular, and raises her eyebrows to make sure no one misses the double entendre there.

Cut to the lobby, where the gang, including both Kelly and Slater, is playing frisbee. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t at least one of them be keeping an eye on things at the beach? I mean, what if Denise Richards pretends to drown in three feet of water?! After Screech sends an especially violent throw into what we assume is a window (despite the improbability of a frisbee, much less one thrown by Screech, being able to break a window), Stacey busts the gang and puts an end to the fun. And just in time, because here comes Mr. Richter with a picture of his daughter Jenny, whose Sweet Sixteeen party is being held in the dining room that evening. Incidentally, that picture of Jenny appears to have been taken sometime around the turn of the century, so his definition of "sixteen" might be a bit liberal. As Mr. Richter babbles on about how they’ve flown in people from all over the world for this party (really?), Stacey realizes that the dining room has been double-booked for the evening. Hard to believe, isn’t it, considering the technologically advanced paper-on-a-clipboard system they use to make reservations.

Faced with a dilemma, Stacey and Zack head to the dining room to try and persuade the Thornhills, whose anniversary party is the other event booked that evening, to switch their party to the following night. Zack tries to play the elderly tightwad card by offering them a 10-percent discount if they delay the party. Unfortunately for him, the Thornhills have decided that they want to splurge, and refuse to switch nights. Hmm, a party at the Malibu Sands Beach Club isn’t exactly my idea of a splurge, but to each his own.

Meanwhile, Screech is out on the beach with a metal detector, searching for buried treasure. After stumbling over a sunbather who, judging by his solid-gold dollar-sign necklace, appears to be either a pimp or a member of 50 Cent’s entourage, Screech finds a gold coin under Lisa’s beach chair. As he’s digging through the sand, Kelly walks up and yells at him not to dig holes in her beach. OK, first of all, the hole is about 5 inches deep. Are people not allowed to dig in the sand at all? How will they make sandcastles? (Oh, right—out of particle board!) Second, who died and left Kelly the beach in their will? Because last time I checked, it wasn’t technically "hers."

Back inside, Stacey and Zack have come up with a foolproof plan—they’ll just persuade Jenny (who, even though I didn’t check the credits, I swear to God is played by Rachel Dratch) to move her party outside to the beach. All it takes is one suave look from Zack, and Jenny goes all Veruca Salt and demands that her daddy let her have the party on the beach. Seriously? This girl is not sixteen. She’s either three or 102, but definitely not sixteen. Their mission accomplished, Zack and Stacey bask in the glow of their own genius, which, again, is never a good idea. Maybe these two should consider sitting down and watching some sitcoms some time.

Sure enough, up pops a new problem. Slater, translating for the all-Spanish-speaking kitchen staff, explains that if Stacey doesn’t give them the raise her father promised them right now, they’re going to go on strike. (Actually, Slater’s translation has them going bowling, at which point the head chef breaks in in English and yells, "We strike!" Which begs the question of why he needed Slater to translate in the first place. And also of how Slater happened to know Spanish at this particular time when, in one of the College Years episodes, he admits that he doesn’t know any Spanish at all. Perhaps he suffered from amnesia in the interim.)

Apparently, the Spanish amnesia is already starting to kick in, because suddenly Jessie’s in the kitchen, firing off really bad Spanish and lecturing Zack about worker’s rights and oppressed peoples. All right, calm down, Che Guevara. Zack rightly points out that Jessie’s not exactly oppressed herself, and Roberto points out that her Spanish sucks harder than Slater’s, but Jessie’s on a roll and won’t stop until she’s made up all kinds of false demands pretty much designed to make life miserable for Stacey. Uh…isn’t she supposed to be on Stacey’s side? Whatever.

Back on the beach, Lisa has discovered that Screech’s gold coin is actually worth something, and together they inspire a digging frenzy among the other beachgoers, most of whom seem to be just digging randomly for the hell of it, since Lisa and Screech are the only ones with the metal detector. Kelly gets wind of the activity and predictably freaks out. OK, I can kind of see her point now, as some of the holes are a few feet deep, but still? Not "her" beach.

Meanwhile, Slater is smoothing things over with the kitchen staff by promising to get rid of "loca Jessie," but his efforts are all in vain, as Stacey barges in and tells them that they can’t boss her around, and they’re not getting a raise. To this they respond, "We strike!" and promptly sit down on the kitchen floor. Hmm, I think they might be confusing "strike" with "sit-in." But with translators like Slater and Jessie, can you blame them? Stacey doesn’t have time to deal with the issue at hand because Kelly runs in to complain that Lisa and Screech are destroying—you guessed it—her beach.

In the time it took Kelly to run into the club, Lisa and Screech have procured an excavator, to which they’ve hooked up the metal detector. Surveying the damage, Zack and Stacey are at a loss as to what to do about Jenny’s beach party now. Hmm, I don’t know—how about filling the holes back in? Seeing as it only took Screech, Lisa and company a few minutes to dig them all, it couldn’t be that hard.

But the gang is otherwise engaged—with the kitchen staff on strike (or sit-in), it’s up to them to prepare all of the food for the parties, including a Bavarian chocolate cream cake. (Side note: Much like Stanford and "I hear ya, blood!", the Bavarian chocolate cream cake was another of my sister’s SBTB obsessions. For a long, long time, every time someone in my family would ask, "What’s for dessert?" my sister would respond, "A Bavarian chocolate cream cake!" Not once was that ever the actual dessert.) Anyway, the gang very poorly attempts to prepare the food while the kitchen staff points and laughs at them. Nice. Finally, when Jessie Guevara’s Bavarian chocolate cream cake falls flat, the kitchen staff takes pity on them and makes the food (although the Bavarian chocolate cream cake is conspicuously missing from the final spread.)

At last, it’s time for the Thornhills’ anniversary party, which is scheduled to start an hour before the Sweet Sixteen bash. To get the old folks out in a hurry, the gang reverts to their stellar serving strategy of not actually letting people eat the food before they take it away. Interestingly, no one at the party seems to find this strange. They must all be regular patrons of The Max. As the Thornhills are dancing, the Richters are arriving, and Zack and Stacey send Jessie out to stall while they attempt to shoo the Thornhills off stage left…into the kitchen. Hey, at least then they could finish their meal! However, they must not be that hungry, because they resist the shooing and are still standing there when the Richters enter.

Finally, Stacey is forced to confess the double-booking error. To smooth things over, Zack brilliantly suggests that Stacey ask Mr. Thornhill to tango. Right, because what every woman wants for her anniversary is some chippie hitting on her husband. (Also, while we’re on the subject, women don’t want to be taken to the Malibu Sands Beach Club for their anniversaries, either. Guys, take note.) However, Mrs. Thornhill is soon distracted by Slater acting like a chicken. Actually, he’s tangoing with her, but he’s doing so remarkably like a chicken. Zack works his charm on Rachel Dratch again, while Kelly hits on her dad. So basically, the entire situation is resolved by letting the guests cozy up to the young, nubile staff members. And when Big L arrives back at the club, he takes credit for everything, which would kind of make him the pimp again, wouldn’t it? Hey, I know where he can get a great necklace…

--Clare

Grade: B-. Had it not been for Rachel Dratch (or someone who looks remarkably like her) and the memory of my sister’s obsession with the Bavarian chocolate cream cake, this episode would have been entirely forgettable.

2004-06-02T14:40:00.000-05:00

Even puppies need trainers

Zack walks into the Max, steals a Coke and informs us that he has tickets to the Dodgers-Mets playoff. Unfortunately, it’s during school. Story of his life. He walks up to Screech and Slater, discussing excuses he can give to attend the game. When a burned house, measles and a grandmother’s death don’t pass the test, the conversation moves on to a more “interesting” topic when Jessie – flanked by an inquisitive Kelly and Lisa – comes in, gushing about her mother’s wedding. Lisa expositions that Jessie just got off the plane. Wait, what does her mother do that would allow her to meet and marry someone who didn’t live in “Palisades?” I thought she was an oil derrick-chaining hippie. Anywho, Jessie says that it was wonderful, but her new stepbrother didn’t say much at the ceremony. Oh, Lord. Jessie’s got a stepbrother. She asks Kelly of A Million Siblings for advice. Kelly emphatically warns against the dangers of toilets seats that aren’t down. Jessie gasps as if she’s said the most indecent thing in the world. Calm down, stripper. Jessie informs the gang that her stepbrother decided to spend a few more hours in New York City with his friends. Kelly reminds everyone that they really have to make him feel welcome.

Later Lisa and Kelly take cookies to Jessie’s room that they made for the stepbrother. Lisa tells Jessie which kinds they baked while putting her grubby little paws on and taking a bite out of each of them. Kelly and Jessie grab them from Lisa and put them back in the container. To give to Eric. As if their dirty hands and saliva weren’t all over them. Gross. Jessie’s mom calls from downstairs to let her know that they’re back. Instead of, you know, going down herself, she screams at her mom to tell Eric to come up. Eric breezes through the door and, hey, he’s not entirely uncute. He deposits his life’s belongings - contained in two duffel bags - in the middle of Jessie’s room and makes a dumb comment about the 3 girls being sisters. The girls introduce themselves with extended hands. Eric grabs Lisa’s, yanks her toward him and begins harassing her. Lisa is less than flattered by lines like “Let’s dump these two and make nice in the sand.” She manages to tear herself away from Eric and makes no secret of the fact that she’s disgusted. Kelly curtly reminds Eric that the ocean is on the left (Is the ocean really always on the left? Wouldn’t it be on the right if you’re going south?), shoves the cookies in Eric’s gut and leaves with Lisa in tow.

The next day at school, Zack brainstorms with Slater about more excuses to get out of school while Kelly tells Jessie that her stepbrother’s behavior was not rude at all. She ends by giving the example of her 19-year-old brother blowing out his birthday cake with a mouthful of Diet Coke. Gotta get that product placement in there. When Lisa asks Jessie where she was earlier that morning, Jessie explains that she was drying off from falling in the toilet. Yeah…there are so many things wrong with that statement. Kelly and Lisa walk off while Zack and Slater walk up and ask where Eric is. He’s in Belding’s office getting his schedule. I guess this school has no advisors, no academic counselors. Nothing. Great. We soon hear Eric on the P.A. making a Zack Morris-type announcement about school letting out early. After Eric leaves the office, Zack lets him know that he’s impressed. Eric tells Zack that at his school he would be a puppy. Slater chuckles and Eric asks if he’s Zack’s trainer. Ha! This guy is great. Eric is thoroughly unimpressed when Zack tells him that they have math class together and walks off to class where he sees Lisa and takes the stalker bit a little too far: chasing her around the room asking for a date. Class finally starts and the teacher announces that since he’s Jewish, he’ll be celebrating Rosh Hashanah the next day. He wants all of the Jewish students to raise their hands so he can excuse them. A menorah goes off over Zack’s head. The Dodgers-Mets game is the next day. You get the idea.

The next evening, Eric and Screech settle into Jessie’s room to watch a tape of the baseball game. Just as Screech asks if it’s alright to be in Jessie’s room, she breezes in with a towel on her head and around her body. So…she doesn’t have a robe? She complains about them being in her room, but she eventually just snatches some pink t-shirt looking thing and leaves. While watching the game, Screech points out Zack catching a fly ball and proceeds to tell the story of Zack’s pseudo-religious conversion. Eric says, with a smirk, that he won’t let the tape fall into the wrong hands.

At school, Zack strolls down the steps tossing around his baseball. He sees Eric at his locker and tells him to move. With some bass in his voice, I might add. Well as much bass as Mark-Paul Gosselaar could muster. The bass quickly fades when Eric blackmails Zack out of his locker and ball in return for his silence about the game. In the Max, Jessie’s complaining about Eric and Kelly tells her to get over it. Geez, Kelly. Not everyone was born into a ready-made football team. Get a grip. The guys come in and Slater asks Jessie if he should still come over later to study. She says yes blah blah blah the guys leave blah blah Screech tells Slater what happened with Zack, Eric and the videotape blah blah blah who cares.

Later, in Jessie’s room, Slater tells her that she didn’t need help with her homework. Jessie knows, but she just wanted to be kept from the “teenaged terrorist.” Uh. How about you just go elsewhere. Or close the door. Slater decides he has to go and as Jessie closes her door after him to reveal a pair of framed jeans. What the hell? Jessie twirls around like an idiot and is unaware of Eric entering her room until he throws a jacket in front of her. Eric announces that he’s moving into her room since he’s audiotaped Jessie and Slater’s “study” session, which included Slater urging Jessie to stay away from his neck. Jessie has Eric cornered, but is somehow unable to get the tape from him. He tells her that he’ll play the tape on the P.A. if she doesn’t give up her room. Jessie concedes, but only for the night, telling Eric he’s gonna be in big trouble the next day. Now, I’m thinking she’s gonna tell her parents, but no. She tells Slater, who is roughing Eric up the next day for the tape. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can be expelled for physical threats. Good one, Slater. Eric gives Slater the tape, but then smirks about having 20 more copies. In exchange for his silence, he wants to borrow Slater’s car for the hot date he’s working on. Slater agrees, but takes his frustration out on a locker. Zack and Kelly come around the corner just in time to witness Slater punching school property. Kelly’s disgusted by the way everyone’s treating Eric. Hey, if memory serves me correctly, she was more than a little frosty herself. As Kelly flounces off, Belding comes up and takes Zack and Slater to see the sports car he bought for his wife. Outside, we see that Mr. Belding is obviously a pimp or a drug lord because there’s no way he could afford that on a principal’s salary. In fact, there’s no way Dennis Haskins could afford that on his SBTB salary. Anywho, Mr. B. wants Slater to install a CD player. When Slater starts to decline, Zack throws in one of those long lost “time-out”s. Oh, God. You gotta love this show. Zack says…something…I guess and then times-in and accepts on Slater’s behalf. Later at the Max, Zack offers Lisa front row tickets to the MC Hammer concert if she goes out with Eric. Wait. MC Hammer. MC!!! Ha ha. OK, I’m done. Lisa agrees and the next time Eric sees Lisa he asks her to the movies. I’m sorry, but this kid is cute. Why was Lisa giving him such a hard time? Lisa agrees, as I would have awhile ago.

The next evening, Slater gives Eric Mrs. Belding’s car keys and instructions on dropping the car back off at the school. Later at the Max, Lisa is clearly enjoying herself with Eric, discussing the movie they’ve just seen, Casablanca. Lisa has never seen it and neither have I. And I’m not itching to after hearing these horrible accents Eric is using to quote the movie. Eric tries to be smooth by asking Lisa to wear his class ring while imitating Bogart. Or whoever’s in the movie. Um…he moves pretty quickly. Lisa does a spit take and laughs nervously as Eric moves from the seat across from her to the one beside her. Lisa expresses that he’s different from what she thought. Eric explained that he’d never met anyone like her and he thought he had to come on strong. So…he’d never met a black chick before? ‘Cause that was the only thing he could gather from her before he started harassing her. OK, maybe I wouldn’t have gone out with him. Then Eric sweetens up and tells her that this was the first time he hadn’t missed New York. Aww.

Cut to Screech, Zack and Slater talking behind some bushes. They pop up and Zack explains to Screech that all he has to do is get a clear shot of Eric driving Mrs. Belding’s car. Great. Cut to Lisa driving Mrs. Belding’s car with Eric pressed up on her. Lisa asks if he’s sure that his friend doesn’t mind her driving his car. Eric tells her to relax because nothing could really happen in an empty parking lot…except him kissing her goodnight. She doesn’t think that would be so bad. In her giddiness, she forgot to ask, “And exactly how am I supposed to get home after we leave this car in the parking lot?” As Lisa pulls into the lot, the flash from Screech’s camera startles her and she crashes. But I really don’t see how that could have happened. Instead of braking, she put her foot on the gas? That doesn’t even make sense. But now we know Lisa’s a sucky driver. What happens next? Oh, this sordid story is only beginning…

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Zack: Nice stunt on the P.A.
Eric: Who are you?
Zack: I'm Zack Morris. You can say when it comes to scams I'm top dog.
Eric: In my school you'd just be a puppy.
Slater: Oooh.
Eric: And who's this? Your trainer?

Grade:
Kia: B-. This episode focused a bit too much on Jessie for my taste, but Eric is great. I love the witty comebacks. Plus, Zack has tickets to the M.C. Hammer concert. Just think about that for awhile.

2004-06-02T13:43:00.000-05:00

That's Ms. Chick to you

Previously on SBTB: Jessie got a new stepbrother, Eric. No one likes Eric, but Eric likes Lisa. Zack bribes Lisa to go out with Eric so he can photograph Eric in Mrs. Belding's new car. But Eric lets Lisa drive and since she's a sucky one, she crashes into a brick wall.

Zack, Slater and Screech take an inventory of all the damage done to the car and conclude that it’ll cost $600. Screech says something about winning the lottery, which gives Zack an idea.

At the Max Lisa relays all of the “exciting” details of her date to Jessie, who wants to find out what Zack and Slater are up to. Lisa walks her to the door as Eric comes in. Lisa asks him if he wants to go to the MC Hammer concert with her and he happily agrees.

In the hall, Zack announces that he’s selling tickets to Bayside’s Official Secret Math Lottery. As opposed to the unofficial one. Tickets are selling like hotcakes and Slater and Zack let Screech know that he’s gonna be the winner. Yeah, that won’t look like the obvious fixed contest that it is. Jessie comes down the steps and demands an explanation to the hijinx that are ensuing. As Slater and Zack explain, Mr. Belding comes waltzing around the corner, back early from some conference. Belding wants to hear Bo Jackson Sings the Blues on the new CD player so Zack and Slater give him some nonsensical jargon about the compatibility issues between a Japanese car and a German CD player and tell him that it won’t be ready for a day or so.

Later, before math class starts, Zack announces the rules of the lottery: the teacher will pull a math question from the box on his desk and the person who has the ending numbers will win. Zack assumes that we don’t know how they’ll pull this one off. Oh, Zack. I’m sure it’ll be by some illegal means. Sure enough, Zack signals for the firm alarm to be set off. When everyone leaves, Screech replaces the question box. Cut to a few minutes later: as the teacher reads off each number of the problem’s answer, people yell while reading their tickets. And this guy is still clueless. As promised, Screech wins, and in the bathroom, Slater has to force the money from him. As they start to leave, Eric appears from a stall – without flushing – and reveals that he heard everything. He’s willing to forget if Slater lends him his car to drive his “girl” to the concert. Zack gets all Alpha Male on him and informs Eric that Lisa is most certainly not his girl and proceeds to tell Eric the real reason Lisa agreed to go out with him.

Eric walks into the Max and confronts Lisa while Jessie watches. She confesses about the tickets, but Eric doesn’t want to hear any explanations. He calls her a liar, which isn’t really true, but she continues to let him yell at her. He leaves and she sinks back into her booth, crying. Jessie solemnly asks if its true and we get to experience Lark Voorhies’s tumble into painfully bad acting. Her face crumples up and she explains, “Yes. But when I took the tickets I didn’t like him. And now, I don’t like me.” For the longest time I thought she was saying, “And now he don’t like me” which made me cringe every time. Anywho, Lisa starts sobbing and Jessie comes over to comfort her. The audience was obviously offended by the over-the-topness as well because only 5 people “Aww”ed and they barely made it before the scene changed.

In auto shop class, Eric convinces the teacher to take apart Mrs. Belding’s car. After class, Zack and Slater walk in to discover the car in thousands of pieces and Screech in a stack of tires. Now, I know it’s Screech, but how do you let someone trap you in a stack of tires? When Screech blabs that he helped take the car apart Slater throws the tire back over his head. Great.

Later, Jessie walks into her room – now occupied by Eric – and tells him that Lisa’s really upset and that she had nothing to do with Zack and Slater’s plan. That’s not entirely true. She was an unknowing pawn. Anyway, Eric tells Jessie how he had the shop class take apart the car and Jessie tells him that if she were a guy she’d punch him. But only if you were a guy, right Jessie? Eric says something about her being just a chick and she hits him on the right side of his face. But only if you were a guy, right Jessie? Ha. Anyway, Eric falls back on the bed and gingerly touches his left eye. Jessie screams, “C’mon. You want more?” Um, Jessie, you didn’t exactly sucker punch him, but he wasn’t expecting it. Plus he was hitting the punching bag when you came in. Let it go. Jessie tells him that she doesn’t want a brother anymore.

The next day, Zack and Slater try to tell Mr. Belding about the car, but he rushes to the garage to see it. The car is in perfect condition, much to Zack and Slater’s surprise. In the middle of thanking Slater, some guy gets on the P.A. and tells Mr. Belding that there are mice on the loose. Yeah, I don’t think you’re supposed to make that common knowledge. Belding walks out and Eric slides out from under the car. Eric tells them that he’s moving back to New York.

While packing, Jessie brings everyone (sans Kelly. Hey, where was she? Oh, well) in to tell Eric that he should stay blah blah blah. Lisa tells him that she’d really miss him and she kisses him. You know, I’m not really comfortable with seeing Lisa kiss anyone but Zack. And Eric doesn’t even kiss her back. He just looked at her and then continued to pack. OK, this kid is getting on my nerves. Jessie asks everyone to leave and convinces him to stay. She asks him for a hug a little too flirtatiously. After their moment (which really made me a little uncomfortable), she tells him to get out of her room. Which he obviously did, immediately moving to the SBTB Bermuda Triangle.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Eric: Well, well. Isn't this interesting.
Zack: What are you doing here?
Eric: It's a bathroom. Take a guess.

Grade:
Kia: C. This episode was definitely not as fun as the first. The acting was horrible to say the least and the way Jessie was eyeing her stepbrother was disturbing. But I do want a copy of Bo Jackson Sings the Blues.

2003-09-19T07:49:00.000-05:00

You can call me Albert Clifford

The gang is gathered in Mr. Tuttle's science class. Honestly, is there a class at Bayside that Mr. Tuttle hasn't taught? I highly doubt it. Anyway, they're working on their science projects, and this time they all pretty much fall in the completely implausible category. Third place for complete implausibility goes to Zack and Jessie for their Bond-esque "micro listening device." Now, it is not the "micro listening device" itself I take issue with. In fact, I even own something similar--a pen with a built-in recorder that Kate got me for Christmas from Restoration Hardware. What I am completely unable to believe is the fact that Jessie appears to have constructed it by poking a pen with a screwdriver. I don't think so. Anyway, moving on. In second place for complete implausibility, we have Slater and Random Airhead Extra with gas-powered rollerblades. Um, I'm not even going to go there. And finally, the winner for complete implausibility is Kelly and Screech with The Love Machine! The Love Machine is basically one of those machines you see in malls where you put your hand on it and it lights up and tells you whether you're good in bed or not. You know, I always assumed those served no scientific purpose other seeing how much money they can cheat you out of, but hey, I could be wrong.

In the midst of the Compeltely Implausible Science Project Contest, Mr. Belding walks in with a new student. We can tell she's a Hot Girl because she is wearing the official Hot Girl uniform--a belted oversize T-shirt with a spandex miniskirt. But she's not just any Hot Girl--she's Jennifer, Slater's girlfriend from Germany. Man, what are the odds? Well, considering that the only places that exist in the SBTB universe are Bayside, Hawaii and, apparently, Germany, I'd say pretty damn good.

Out in the hall, Slater does his best to avoid Jennifer by walking over to her with his hand over his face. Pretty cunning, but unfortunately, Slater's trademark pleated pants (not to mention his mullet) give him away. Jennifer screams, "Albert Clifford?!?!" and Jessie's all like, "Albert?!" and Kelly's all like, "Clifford?!" and the rest of us are all like, "Dude. That's pretty unfortunate." Jennifer can't believe her luck that she and Albert Clifford have ended up at the same school. Obviously she is not aware of the limited scope of the SBTB universe. Before both Jessie and Jennifer can catch on the fact that Slater is now a polygamist, Zack whisks Screech, Jen and Albert Clifford off to the Max.

Of course, Slater first has to run home and change into a muscle T Jen gave him back in Berlin. Let me tell ya, it looks great with those pleated pants. Slater orders the guys to leave, but changes his mind when Kelly and Jessie suddenly show up. Apparently their student council meeting has been cancelled because Jessie "banged her gavel so hard on Ronald Geekman's hand that his retainer flew out and hit Mr. Belding in the head." That seems a bit...oh, I don't know, violent? Yet Jessie shows no remorse. What a psycho...little do we know, it's only a hint of what's to come. Anyway, the gang sits down, and it takes approximately thirty seconds for Screech to let it slip that Jessie is Slater's girlfriend. Upon hearing this, Jennifer gets up and storms out of the Max. Surprisingly, Jessie does not find this a bit odd. She must still be on a high from beating up nerds with her gavel.

Now I must take a brief break from this recap to tell you all an amazing but completely true story. In all the times I have seen this episode (including once few weeks ago), I have never until yesterday morning realized that Lisa is not in it. This fact distresses me greatly. I mean, I can deal with the random disappearance of Kelly, or especially Jessie. But where is Lisa? Has she been abducted by aliens? Did she join the merchant marines? I just do not understand. It's very alarming.

OK, back to the recap. Jessie is putting the finishing touches on the micro listening device (i.e. giving it a final screwdriver poke), so Zack recruits Screech to test it out. He takes it into the hallway, where Slater is unfortunately searching at that moment for a pen to write down Jennifer's phone number. Once Jessie hears what's going on, she goes ballistic and says she's going to "break his cheating heart." Dude. Chill. I mean, it's not like he's asking for some random girl's number at a club. They're at school, and it's his friend that he hasn't seen in awhile who just moved to town. Maybe he just wants her number in case he ever wants to call her and hang out. Of course, that's totally not true in this instance, but she doesn't know that.

And so she's already on the rampage. While Zack and Slater are in Zack's room concocting a plan that involves Zack taking Jennifer out so Slater can avoid Jessie's wrath, Screech comes by to inform them that Jessie has spray-painted "Death to Slater" on his locker. One would think that this is an exaggeration, but no. We cut to the hallway, where Jessie has indeed written "Death to Slater" in black spray paint across about four lockers. In addition, she has Slater in a choke hold. Talk about psycho. Also, wouldn't she get in trouble for vandalizing school property and, you know, making death threats? I mean, I know this was before Columbine and all, but good Lord. Where is Belding in all this, anyway? Is he still recovering from his retainer injury?

Finally, Slater acquiesces and agrees to continue seeing Jessie after she cuts off his air supply. Precious. But Jessie is still not satisfied. She wants Zack to go out with Jennifer so she can make sure Slater is over her. Well, doesn't this just work out perfectly for Zack? In addition, Screech has once again spilled the beans (honestly, why do they keep telling Screech stuff?), so now Jennifer is going to get back at Slater by being extra flirty with Zack. She even dances with him at the Max. Whoa, this is serious. Because you know the only time people dance at the Max (other than when Casey Kasem is there) is when they want to make other people jealous. However, Slater is able to convince Jessie that Zack and Jennifer's "romance" doesn't bother him.

But you know Jessie. She's a freaking crazy psycho and still doesn't believe it. So when Kelly and Screech need volunteers to test their Love Machine in Mr. Tuttle's class, Jessie immediately offers up Jennifer and Zack. Of course, this proves to be a big mistake when the oh-so-scientific machine reveals that Jennifer and Zack are somewhat hot for each other. And it bites Jessie in the ass even further when Slater grabs the machine's handle and it goes crazy! (Surprisingly, it is Jennifer holding the other handle, not Zack.) Once Jessie sees this, she storms out of the room in tears. Kelly gives Slater a dirty look and runs after her. Slater gives Zack a dirty look for stealing his woman. I can't believe they're all getting so emotional based on what the freaking Love Machine says!

Kelly and Jessie are in the locker room (naturally), where Kelly is convincing Jessie that she needs to drop the psycho routine and agree to let Slater go out on a date with Jennifer so he can realize what he'll be giving up. (One really starts to yearn for those choke holds and death threats, apparently.) So Jessie, sniffling by the Locker of Doom, tells Slater he needs to go out on a date with Jennifer--but that if he picks her, Jessie gets to keep his letterman's jacket. That's a pretty reasonable request, considering that we've never seen her wear it before, ever.

If you thought Jessie's psycho antics were going to stop there, think again! Quite to the contrary, she's just warming up. She's somehow coerced Zack to dress up with her like an elderly couple to spy on Slater and Jen's date at the movies. (No doubt a choke hold was involved somewhere.) Of course, Zack is dressed like the woman while Jessie is the man. She claims it's because the support hose were killing her, but we all know it's because she sometimes gets nostalgic for her former body. Anyway, when Jessie sees Jennifer start to massage Slater's neck (which is understandably still sore from the choke hold), she freaks and bolts out of the theater. Well, at least she had a bit more substantial evidence than the Love Machine this time.

Meanwhile, Slater and Jennifer are discovering all sorts of things about each other, like the fact that Jennifer no longer likes to sit in the back of the theater and that she prefers Kevin Costner over Mel Gibson. Obviously, these are the kind of things that make or break a relationship, as Jen and Slater decide to call it quits based solely on these trivial differences--and the fact that Jennifer is due back at the SBTB Bermuda Triangle right after her obligatory 30 seconds of flirting with Zack.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Contrary to popular belief, peanut butter and jelly have no visible feelings for each other." --Screech, testing out the Love Machine

Grade
Clare: B-. I have always suspected Jessie was a bit, well, mentally unbalanced, but in this episode she's about one boiled rabbit away from Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. My GOD. And to think, it was all because of the Love Machine. The Love Machine! I can barely even grasp the utter stupidity of basing your entire romantic future on a completely implausible SBTB science project.

2003-09-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

Lisa Turtle: The thing malpractice suits are made of

Zack's at the Max trying to do a math take-home test very unsuccessfully (He's using his fingers. Hey, Zack! We have these things called calculators. Or even an abacus would do) when Slater, Kelly and Jessie come in looking for him. Jessie’s obviously trying to be sexy with her shirt knotted in the front to expose a bit of tummy. In her attempt, she’s really annoying me. When Slater tells him the pep rally starts in a few minutes, Zack tells everyone that he’s not going, even though he’s the team captain, because he needs to finish his take home test. Uh, when did Zack become captain of any team? Lisa wanders in wearing a candy striper uniform as opposed to the cheerleading outfit she's supposed to don. She, also, cannot go to the pep rally because he parents are making her volunteer at the hospital. Gee, these two are dependable. It would be helpful if you told your teammates that you weren’t going to make it.

Zack got his test done in time for the game, however, because he and his teammates are in the locker room waiting to receive a pep talk from their coach, who can barely reach the door handle. What happened to Mr. Rizzo or whatever his name was who was there to witness Slater’s breakdown over loosing Artie? But I digress. Belding, not satisfied with the three-word pep talk, starts babbling about basketball metaphors for life. This apparently pumped Zack into such a frenzy that he felt the need to mold himself to Mr. Belding, so when Belding whipped around to mention one more thing, there was Zack…in the way. Unfortunately for Belding, Zack doesn’t stop or jump back a little like a normal person. No. He falls to the floor, clutching is knee in agony.

Screech wheels Zack through the hospital frantically as Mr. Belding follows. They come upon Lisa who gets a whole sentence out before seeing that Zack’s in a wheelchair. Can no one see wheelchairs on this show?!? Lisa totally rebukes the idea of wheeling Zack anywhere, but offers to go find her mother. Everyone sits around, fretting as if he’s getting a heart transplant. Hey! John Q this is not, people. Dr. Turtle reveals that Zack will live (Thank goodness. I was really worried there for a second), but he hurt his knee pretty badly. Lisa starts whining about all the work she has to do around the hospital and her mom reminds her, “We’re not here just to have fun.” I hope she means “here” as in “on this earth” and not “here” as in “at the hospital.” ‘Cause I know no one who pops by the ER for a rave. Anywho, Dr. Turtle gives Lisa a whole list of things to do after she checks Zack in. I’m assuming that she did none of those things since she jetted as soon as her mother left, leaving Zack in the care of Screech and Mr. Belding. You know, if she’s leaving patients in the middle of the hall, maybe she’s not the best person for the job. But that’s just me.

Some competent person has gotten Zack to his room and into some nice comfy flannel PJs. Kelly and Jessie have formed his harem as they give him massages and hold his sippy cup for him. Suddenly a groan is emitted from the bed on the other side of the curtain. Kelly goes to check and it’s Lisa, exhausted from all of her patient neglect. But I’m confused. Was she there the whole time, just eavesdropping? And how did she get into the room without Zack knowing she was there? I think she was waiting to rape him and she was interrupted by the visitors. It’s always the quiet ones. Some stripper looking nurse comes in, gives Zack a half-assed massage and tells everyone that visiting hours are over. Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack that he’s gonna need surgery, but Zack freak’s out like his leg’s getting amputated. Well Zack, a little coordination in the locker room would have saved all this pain.

The next day at the Max, Mr. Belding is slaving over all of the schoolwork that Zack conned him into doing. Why wouldn’t he just tell the teachers to give him an A? Or change the grades or something? But this is why I’m not a principal. Everyone rushes in and Lisa tells everyone that Zack needs surgery. Because of this momentous occasion, they all chip in and buy him an electronic black book, which they present to him at the hospital. I think they should have brought him the “Coping With Mortality” book that they’ve all apparently read because everyone’s acting like he’s on his deathbed. Especially Kelly. What a basketcase. After they fill Zack’s head with thoughts of death he falls asleep and, surprise, dreams that’s he’s died. I know this is a dream because of the white border around the screen, as opposed to the pink, fantasy border. Incompetent Lisa must have mixed a hallucinogen with his medication because he dreams that the entire school actually cares enough to hold a mandatory memorial service for him. The best part: Kelly and Lisa come out in their cheer uniforms – black, of course – and do a special death cheer for him. Wow. This frightens Zack so much that he wakes up and decides to hobble out of the hospital but Lisa’s mom catches him. Lisa, having nothing better to do in the middle of the night, comes down to chide Zack’s actions. Yet another idiotic “We were both scared before” childhood story ensues: this time Zack talks with Lisa about the time they were rushed to the hospital after they fell ice-skating. Now was this when they lived in Indiana…? ‘Cause I didn’t know ice-skating was all the rage in southern Cali. Zack finally calms down when his medicine kicks in and Lisa says a prayer for him while he’s knocked out.

Dr. Turtle has Zack wheeled into the hall where she explains the procedure. You know, I think I’d want by surgeon scrubbing up. Lisa walks off the elevator, apparently upgraded from candy striper to surgeon, donned in a replica of her mother’s outfit. She and Zack share a tender moment; he extends his hand for hers as she says that she wants to be with him. Be with him where? In the op room? C’mon. The cord needs to be cut some time.

With the success of the surgery, Zack’s back in his room, wearing his PJs under the cast. Wow. Me thinks the cast is a phony. Probably the same one Slater wore when Kelly “beat him up.” Slater brings in a b-ball hoop from the b-ball team because they want him to keep practicing. You know, they’re doing too much. It’s not like he’s recovering from chemo. Zack, determined to get another stripper nurse to come in, chucks the ball into the hall, but he gets Lisa instead. When Zack asks her to sign his cast, she brags that she helped make it. Oh! So that's why it's not a functioning cast. Zack thanks her for everything and Lisa proceeds to kick everyone out. I’m thinking she wants to finish her botched rape attempt from earlier. The world will never know.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
“Z-A-C-K/Since he’s gone the sky turned gray/He hurt his knee, went under the knife/Who’d a-thought he’d loose his life/Yay, rah” - Kelly & Lisa’s death cheer

Grade:
Kia: B. I thought this episode was pretty decent. It was a little cheesy with the whole "Zack's gonna die" mentality, but at least there was no Very Important Lesson to learn. And Lisa's started the process of developing a personality.

2003-09-17T13:14:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the meat market

A student council meeting is in session and Zack interrupts Kelly’s request for new cheerleading uniforms with a dumb joke about girls in bikinis. A high-pitched giggle is emitted from a girl who found Zack’s joke funny. I was laughing because Kelly asked for money from the student council. Don’t cheerleaders have boosters for that reason? A student council officer who looks like he just transferred from Bel-Air Academy lends his full support to the cheerleaders but giggling girl, aka Wendy, reveals that they don’t have any money. With quite an attitude I might add. Keep that up young lady, and you won’t be on any future episodes. Mr. Bel-Air really wants to get some new uniforms and Kelly suggests a date auction because Zack and Slater would bring in a lot of money. So…Zack and Slater are the only two guys in the school, or what? Jessie’s opposed to the auction and I tend to agree. What kind of desperate loser would bid money to date someone? The motion passes, however, and the fun ensues.

After the meeting, Mr. Bel-Air, whose name is Brian, breezes past Lisa and Kelly down the hallway. Lisa takes this as a sign that he likes her. When Kelly points out that he ignored her completely, Lisa exclaims that she loves it when they play hard to get with a really weird, maniacal look in her eyes. As Zack and Slater come down the steps, Slater bets Zack that he can bring in more money at the auction. Only from the flamboyantly gay crowd by the looks of his outfit: a neon orange blouse and some acid washed Aladdin pants with a disturbingly narrow waist and some buckles on the back. Smooth.

Lisa goes to the Max to try to get to know Brian better and…wait! Is that Bailey I see in the background? Oh, yeah. Scott Wolf back for a repeat performance as an extra. Anywho, Lisa bumbles around, trying to flirt and sounding like an idiot. Now I know the writers haven’t developed Lisa’s character in any type of way, but why’d they have to make her sound so dumb? I was embarrassed for her. Later, Jessie gathers all of the female extras in the locker room and lets her testosterone fly by marking her territory and telling everyone not to bid on Slater, slamming lockers to accentuate her point. Kelly and Lisa try to calm her down by saying stuff like “This is for a good cause” and “The guys want to do it, so it’s not sexist, it’s sexy.” A good cause, huh? I thought replacing Timmy’s lung was a good cause, but now I see it’s buying Kelly and Lisa new cheerleading uniforms. Jessie opens another locker just to slam it shut on her way out.

At the date auction Lisa gets into a bidding war with another black girl over Brian. Because, of course, no one else would be interested in the black man. You know, I’m delving way too deep into this. Stupid college courses. They mess with your mind, man. I can't enjoy any of the mindless stuff the same way I could before. Anyway, when Slater comes up there’s an embarrassing silence as Jessie stares down every female with a menacing look in her eyes and her books at her side, ready to throw at anyone who steps out of line. Why does she have books there anyway? Well, a good boy scout is always prepared. Kelly feels bad for Slater and bids on him. Everyone gasps in horror and Jessie retaliates by bidding on the next guy without knowing his identity. Big surprise, it’s Screech. Mr. Belding tosses a card aside, declaring that the next participant needs no introduction because he’s Zack Morris. Shoot. I wanted to know what the card said. You know it couldn’t have been anything positive. Zack comes out and the studio audience screams like they’re really getting a chance to go on a date with him. The bidding on Zack gets intense. Just as it looks like he’s gonna go to random blonde of the episode, Wendy rushes up with $100. Oh, did I mention that Wendy…well, she’s not the smallest thing I’ve seen. So everyone gasps in shock and some giggle hysterically as Zack has to be visibly forced off the stage to his date.

Lisa finds Brian at the Max and tries to hook up with him before the dance and he basically tells her that she’s too stupid to live. He rushes out – with his briefcase – as Zack and Slater come in. Wendy ambushes Zack and drags him to a table. It’s here that she blabs about being so excited about their date that she hasn’t been able to eat, but she guesses that’s a good thing. 1) Don’t tell that to a guy 2) Please don’t tell that to a guy 3) It’s been, oh, 6 minutes since the date auction ended. Does she eat every 30 seconds or something? Zack bails on lunch by clutching his back, citing an old track injury. At the regular booth, Lisa asks Slater what he thinks of the real her and he runs down a list of shallow traits. She realizes that she is an airhead and runs out.

At the next student council meeting Lisa walks in late with pearls, glasses, a power suit, books and a new vocabulary. Brian is extremely impressed by her newfound intellect and he takes her to a quiet little nook in the library so he can ravish her. OK, so that’s not what he said but it’s what he meant. Wendy finds Zack in the hall and he tries to fake another injury, but she’s onto him. She gives him this grand speech about how he’s avoiding her because she doesn’t look like random blonde girl or Kelly or Elle McPherson and she thought he was different (which is why she felt the need to pay for a date, right?) and how if she goes to the dance alone she’ll be with someone who’s honest. All the while, Zack tries to deny it. Indignantly, I might add. Like he’s offended that she actually figured out the truth.

In the Max, Lisa’s blabbing away about what art is ("What is art? Are we art? Is art art?") when Kelly pulls her aside, chastising her for not being herself. Lisa reminds Kelly that the old Lisa didn’t have a boyfriend. And the new Lisa does? Call me crazy, but he just started tolerating her 20 seconds ago and now he’s her boyfriend? She’s pretty easy. Jessie complains to Zack about Screech and wonders what everyone will think when they’re seen together. Why is everyone acting as if they’ve entered into a legally binding commitment contract? It’s just one dance. Geez, there’ll be another one the next day. Anyway, the whole point of that conversation was to make Zack feel bad that he blew Wendy off.

At the dance, Jessie and Screech do some kind of chicken dance while Zack sits on the bleachers with the nerds. Why does Zack always come to these dances after the “I may be fill-in-the-blank, but I’m self-reliant” girl dumps him? But anyway, Wendy comes in and Zack tells her that he feels guilty for dumping her. Exact words. I can see why he’s a ladies man. She gives him a mini speech this time and marches off. Maybe it’s me, but if I paid $100 for a date, I’d get all I could out of that investment. In other news at the dance, Slater is so consumed by his emotions for Jessie that he calls everyone in sight by her name. Then when people ask how he’s doing, he acts like she just died or something and he’ll never see her again. Jessie comes to rescue her man and he hugs her like he didn’t just see her 5 seconds ago. Lisa, seeing that Jessie and Slater are “back together” from their 18 minute split wants to go congratulate them. Brian, however, commences to bashing all of her friends, even calling Jessie a “pseudo-intellectual neurotic.” Ha! That was pretty on-point. Lisa gets really fired up when he talks about Zack, though. So much so that she starts stripping into a more Lisa-type outfit and dumps him. I’m glad she had that extra set of clothes on underneath. You never know when you’ll need it. Kelly comes out and does a cheer in the new uniform, which includes a skirt that has the nifty habit of twirling all the way up over her butt whenever she spins around. Slater must have found this exciting (either that or he didn’t know he was on camera) because he made up his own little cheer to go along.

But it’s last dance time. As people pair off, Zack goes up to Wendy and begs for a dance, but as soon as the start, random blonde asks to cut in. Wendy tells him it’s alright, but Zack declines and even asks Wendy out after the dance. Random blonde gets an attitude, Wendy is speechless and I’m upset because she’s paid $100 for one dance and some fries at the Max.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Lisa: “If I think not, am I not? I think not. Don’t you think?”

Grade:
Kia: C-. I find this episode so demeaning, even for Saved by the Bell standards. Maybe it’s because when I was younger, I was a little porker and I was offended that Wendy acted so stupid. And Lisa! Oh, my goodness. I can’t even talk about it. This Very Important Lesson went oh-so-very wrong.

2003-09-17T10:07:00.000-05:00

Let's take a trip to the Wild West, Bayside style

Zack walks down the steps of Bayside with bodyguard Jessie as people console him as if his mom died. Something equally morbid has happened, though: Kelly dumped him the other night. Lisa takes this opportunity to suggest that he might meet someone at her Sweet 16 party. Someone like who? The 7 extras milling about? Zack convinces everyone that Kelly was just another chick, but when he opens his locker it’s apparent that he stole all of Kelly’s modeling proofs back when she was an international star. What kind of guy has GlamourShots of his girl in his locker, anyway?

Later, in English class, Lisa hands Kelly an invitation to her party and Kelly gushes over what a great opportunity it’ll be for everyone to get to know Jeff. Good one, Kelly. When Lisa doesn't know how to respond, Kelly asks her if he can come in a distressed voice. Or how about you just leave him at home since he wasn’t invited? Our favorite deaf teacher, Miss Simpson shuffles in and class begins. Since they’re studying romantic poetry, I’ll bet she’ll have Zack and Kelly recite a poem. Awkward situation #1. Later that evening, Slater and Screech take Zack to the movies to get his mind off things. It worked until Kelly and Jeff sauntered in. Screech and Slater try to communicate with each other and disturb every other moviegoer in the process except for Jeff and Kelly. Actually, Kelly glances at Screech but I guess it doesn’t trigger any kind of recognition. Someone gets shot in the movie and Kelly screams in the silent theater about 4 seconds after it happened. Zack turns, sees them and bolts. Awkward situation #2. Too bad Slater and Screech don’t feel the to follow him out.

The next day Zack tells Lisa that he can’t come to her party because Kelly and Jeff will be there. Kelly walks up and Zack and Screech walk off, but not before Screech growls at her. Jessie and Lisa confront Kelly about going out on a date with her boyfriend. Ooh, scandalous. Kelly blows them off, and rightfully so.

Zack is in his room trying to get his mind off Kelly so he starts to study. Too bad the book cover is filled with epitaphs like “Kelly Morris” and “I Heart Kelly.” You know, I really hope Kelly did that because that’s really on the little girl tip. In fact, I think I did that with Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s name when I was in the 6th grade. When every form of media he tries to occupy his time with turns to Kelly, the rest of the gang comes a-knockin’. Lisa is holding a list “a mile long” of girls that want to go out with Zack. Apparently they have to submit a resume and application to her before they can talk to Zack. He finally caves in and takes a date that each friend suggested to the same movie he walked out on. Zack strikes “gold” when he goes out with Screech’s cousin, Kimberly. She comes from the tribe of the orange scrunchie and looks about 42. Zack brings her to the Max and flaunts her in front of Kelly. She gets really mad for some reason and stomps off. When Zack and Kimberly dance to A-12 – Zack and Kelly’s song – everything hits the fan. Kelly’s so mad that Zack is dancing to a song that was theirs that she slaps him. I mean, but they’re not together anymore, right? I’m sure Zack was mad that Jeff was dating a girl that was his, but you don’t see him beating Kelly.

The next day, the girls ask Kelly’s forgiveness, then turn around and blast Zack for going out with a girl like they told him to. When Zack tells Lisa to choose who’s coming to her party, she chooses Kelly and he goes all ballistic, opening his locker and throwing out Kelly’s sweater, volleyball, pom poms, pictures and other assorted things that really don’t belong in a boyfriend’s locker. I see now that she was just using him for storage space.

Zack’s finally calmed down a bit and is sitting in his room holding a present when Screech walks in. He tries to convince Zack to go, but Zack declines. And maybe it’s all for the best as we see Lisa’s party in full swing, including Jessie and Slater practicing for their audition for Dirty Dancing 2. If you’re gonna act like you can dance, at least dance on beat. You know, Lisa’s house looks suspiciously like Screech’s. And her outfit, while obviously ugly and way too formal, reminds me of a ballerina’s costume. Suddenly, the lights dim and Jessie brings out Lisa’s birthday cake. Lisa covers her mouth in shock. Did she not know this whose party this was? When the lights come up, Zack magically appears and after giving Lisa his birthday wishes, he goes to “settle something”. What is this? The Wild West? He apologizes to Kelly and they agree to be friends. As Zack congratulates Jeff on his “conquest,” Slater is in the background, visibly trying to rape Jessie. I mean, seriously. She pushes him away and tries to run for her life. Zack relays the moral of the story and a redhead – even older than Screech’s cousin – waltzes by and asks if he believes in love at first sight…then walks away. I’ll tell you what I believe in: waiting for the answer of a question you just asked.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Lisa: “Honey, if I was Kelly, you’d still be pulling a hairbrush out of your ear. Now don’t get me started.”

Grade:
Kia: B-. I like Zack and his Mrs. Robinson complex and I was so glad that the Kelly fiasco finally came to a close. Too bad he married her. But the best thing was Slater and his abusive nature coming to light. I’d never seen that before, but I'm so glad I did.

2003-09-16T07:38:00.000-05:00

Rod Belding: Rogue Substitute and Romancer of Flight Attendants

As Zack walks into history class, he informs us that it's time for the annual class trip. But first it's time for midterms. Break out the caffeine pills! But this time the hardest midterm in school is not geometry, it's history, which is being taught by the maniacal Mr. Dickerson, who's basically Mr. Testaverde without the Micro Machine schtick. Mr. Not-Testaverde grills the class on some very basic 3rd-grade history questions, such as who assassinated Lincoln. Then he laughs maniacally as he tells the class that none of this will be on the test. Well, of course not. This is 10th grade, not 3rd!

Fortunately, the gang is saved by the intercom (has anyone ever been saved by the actual bell on this show?) when Mr. Belding calls the class trip committee to his office. Apparently, this is the day they get to pick their destination. Jessie wants to picket a nuclear power plant. Naturally. Zack wants to go to Vegas, like what the hell are a bunch of 16-year-olds going to do in Vegas? Besides see Wayne Newton, of course. Belding says since they can't agree, he'll pick a neutral place.

Later that night, the entire gang is frantically studying in Zack's room. I can only suspect that Jessie must have given them all drugs because they soon start to hallucinate Mr. Not-Testaverde's face in everything from their school books to Zack's Magic Johnson poster. They decide it's time to take a break from studying to plug a show for NBC...er, I mean, watch "Fresh Prince." However, when they turn on the TV, there is Mr. Not-Testaverde in an argyle sweater, rapping about how they're all going to fail the test. Man, those pills are dangerous!

The next day it's time for the midterm, but Mr. Not-Testaverde is nowhere to be found, so Zack invokes the five-minute rule. You know, I invoked the five-minute rule in this exact same situation once. Freshman year of college, I had this English professor who was, I swear to God, on LSD. On the day of our midterm, she just didn't show up, so I said, "Let's invoke the five-minute rule." And no one even said, "What's the five-minute rule?" Why? Because they had seen this episode of SBTB. Anyway, with 5 seconds to go, Belding walks in and puts and end to the fun. He introduces the class to their substitute teacher, a man named Rod who we're supposed to believe is Belding's brother. But the class isn't buying it, and neither am I, based largely on the fact that they look nothing alike. Good job, casting. And do I even need to bring up the fact that brother Rod has never, ever been mentioned before? I didn't think so.

Anyway, Rod hands out the midterm and then takes a look at it, commenting that it looks pretty hard. So what, is it on a 5th-grade level? 6th? Oooh. Rod says instead of "taking history," they're going to "make history." Then he instructs the class to rip up their tests and yell "Wahoo!" Yeah, it's a veritable Boston Tea Party. Then he tells the class that they can give themselves whatever grade they want. Well, he says it's "whatever grade they think they deserve," but you know they don't all deserve the A's they give themselves.

With the strenuous business of "teaching" out of the way, Rod decides to spend the rest of class making paper airplanes and telling everyone his life story, like how he gave up being a pilot to be a substitute so he could "have summers off to follow his dreams." Uh, and what dreams would those be? I think he really just wanted to be a big slacker and mooch off his brother. Speaking of which, Belding comes on the P.A. and tells everyone that he's decided the class trip will be camping at Yosemite National Park. The gang is pumped, but Rod warns them about going camping with "Richie" since he once got lost in their backyard.

After school, Rod, Zack and Screech are watching some sporting event on a TV that has miraculously appeared in Mr. Belding's office. Conversation comes around to the class trip, and Rod tells the guys about his class trip when they went whitewater rafting. Rod heartily recommends whitewater rafting, which, according to him, pushes you to the limit and lets you really find out what you're made of. Dude, it's whitewater rafting; you're not joining the freaking Marines here.

The next day, Zack convinces everyone to back the whitewater-rafting plan. The only problem: Belding, who is up to his ears in brochures about Yosemite National Park and babbling on about waterfalls and deer. The gang can't figure out how to break it to him, but finally Screech just blurts it out. Belding is hurt that they'd rather go on the trip with Rod, but he agrees to it. I'm not sure why Rod going means he can't go, but whatever.

Later, the gang is preparing for the trip, meaning they've got an inflatable raft in the gym, and Rod is bouncing it up and down as the gang pretends to see deer. As Rod really starts jerking the raft, he tells them to hold on. I think he means to the raft, but Kelly and Zack seem to think he means to each other, as do Pete and Sylvester. Oh, well. At least they'll all drown together.

After the thrilling ride, it's time to practice CPR. Kelly and Jessie lie on their backs, and Rod instructs Zack and Slater to tilt their heads back and then says, "Go for it!" Um, what about closing off their nasal passages? What about chest compressions? I'm not exactly CPR certified, but I think there's a little more to it than "Go for it!" Belding walks in in the middle of the makeout session and orders everyone back to class. Zack stays behind to get his digs in, telling Belding he's just jealous because Rod is the best teacher they've ever had. Um, what exactly has he "taught" them, other than slacking off and making out? I'm assuming they already knew how to do those things anyway.

The next night, it's time to leave for the trip. Everyone is gathered in the gym, but Rod is nowhere to be found. Zack goes to look for him and overhears Rod and Mr. Belding having an argument about Rod ditching the kids for his weekend fling with a stewardess named Inga. Um, boys? It's "flight attendant," OK? Anyway, Belding tells Rod he's not going to cover for him anymore and orders him out of his school. Rod storms out of the office and somehow fails to notice Zack standing a few feet away from him.

Back at the gym, Belding breaks the news to the gang about Rod, but at the last minute decides to lie and tell them he has the flu. Everyone assumes the trip is off and gets ready to go home, but then Belding offers to take them instead, even though he knows nothing about rafting. That's what guides are for anyway. Everyone is excited that the trip is back on, especially Kelly, who gives Belding a kiss as she makes her way to the bus. What is going on here? Who kisses their principal? Anyway, as the gym empties, Zack confronts Belding about the truth about Rod. Belding says he's sorry Zack had to find out because he knows how much the kids idolized Rod. Zack says they got "the better Belding," and then the two embrace. Awwww. But back off, Zack, he's Kelly's man!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Wow...a building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!" --Screech

Grade
Clare: B. I've always hated Rod Belding. He swaggered into Bayside with his long blond hair and tales of his exotic life as a substitute teacher and totally made the kids dis Mr. Belding. And in the end, only Zack learned what an ass he really was. I hope he rots in the SBTB Bermuda Triangle.

2003-09-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

Lisa Turtle: Honor Roll Student, Lime Green Lover, Able to Add...well, not so much

It is report card time, so that means it is time for everyone's parents to shower them with gifts. Jessie got all A's, so her parents gave her flowers. Kelly got all B's, so her parents bought her ice cream. Lisa has made the honor roll, and for all of this hard work, she was given her dad's credit card to go to the mall and buy something nice. Not really such a great idea on Lisa's dad's part, but without his stupidity this episode would not exist...moving on. Everyone is waiting at the booth in the Max, anticipating the debut of Lisa's great new outfit. Thanks to Max's magic--which consisted of Lisa crawling out of a box with a curtain on it that had seconds before housed Max burgers--Lisa makes a grand entrance, wearing a lime green atrocity, complete with a non-matching multicolored patchwork purse and different-color-lime green hair bow. The outfit--a lime green bolo jacket over a black bodysuit paired with lime green walking shorts--plus accessories, including Maneater perfume, totaled almost $400. Lisa never would have known unless her friends hadn't been so pragmatic as to prompt her to add up all of her purchases on Screech's watch calculator. Lisa had no idea she had spent so much money...you think an honor roll student would be able to keep track of this stuff. But anyway. Her oh-so-practical friends persuaded her to keep one item, and take back the rest.

Fast forward to sometime later, we find out that--shock!--the store wouldn't take back any of the hideous crap that Lisa had bought and ALREADY WORE. Big surprise. Lisa doesn't know what to do to stay out of trouble now. Kelly and Jessie try to convince Lisa to tell her father the truth, but Lisa has a horrible vision of the consequences--her father turns into some sort of devil character, Screech is the Grim Reaper, naming Lisa as the worst daughter ever, and Lisa turns into some sort of 80's punk girl, complete with orange sparkley wig and nose ring. Because of this vision, she decides honesty is not the best policy-- but trusting Zack Morris to solve your problems is. Again, this logic from an honor roll student? What kind of academic standards is Bayside holding itself to? Oh wait, I forgot--it is a public high school in California, where learning practical knowledge comes second. Second to what, I don't know yet, but it definitely is not their first priority.

Zack's plan is to sell opportunities to kiss Lisa during Ms. Wentworth's biology class. True to Ms. Wentworth form, she is teaching a class about reproduction, and getting a little too into it, making really bad jokes and imitating the mating noises of frogs. It is during this class that Lisa gets kisses from a number of random SBTB extras. This really makes her angry, but it is all part of the Zack Morris plan to get Lisa out of Debt, so she goes with it for a little while. When she can't take the kissing anymore, they decide to sell all of Lisa's clothes. During school. Out of the lockers. Screech rigged up the lockers to open simultaneously, which he does only when the coast is clear of Belding. They sell some of Lisa's lingerie. Lingerie, for a high school freshman? Seriously, what 14-year-old needs lingerie? Screech buys it--of course--and they go on to sell tacky cowboy boots, hideous bathing suits (as modeled by Kelly), and other supposedly fashionable clothes.

Belding does walk in at one point, and suspects Zack is up to something--even though the lockers are closed. Thank goodness Slater is there to distract Belding with his supposed cross dressing crisis. Slater asks Mr. B's opinion of whether or not one of Lisa's dresses would be okay for him to wear the next day at school. Belding escorts Slater to his office, and it is revealed that Slater is a size 6. Belding thought A.C. would have been a 12, and I would too--there is no way a size 6 dress would have fit Slater's upper body. But I digress. The meeting turned into a pity party for Mr. Belding, thus buying more time to peddle Lisa's clothes in the hallway.

Eventually, Belding emerges from his office to find the sale of the century going on in the hallowed hall of Bayside. Coincidentally, there is a clothing drive going on at the same time, and Mr. Belding assumes all of the clothes--strategically displayed in every locker--are here to be donated, thus ending the Dress Like Lisa sale.

Still on a mission to earn the money she blew on an outrageously ugly outfit, Lisa has turned to waiting tables at the Max, which proves to be a daunting task for her. She can't balance the tray, so Max glues everything down. A good idea, until Lisa tries to give the food to the customers. Lisa gets fed up and quits, but the gang pitches in to help her out. Slater thinks it is a good idea to take food away before people get a chance to even eat it. Call me crazy, but I think a better way to make tips is to ACTUALLY LET THE PEOPLE EAT THE FOOD THEY ARE PAYING FOR. But, the SBTB gang thinks that quantity over quality will make them enough money to pay off Lisa's debt.

Lisa FINALLY decides to tell her dad the truth. So she does. And her dad is so understanding about it, he wants to take her to Sizzler! Lisa is appalled by this gesture, and tells her dad what all she has been through--being kissed by nerds, selling all of her clothes, becoming--gasp--a waitress!!! Her dad cannot believe this last one. Lisa gave him the $150 she has made so far, and her dad punishes her by making her earn the remainder of the money to pay him back. Zack and Jessie come over to give Lisa some money everyone donated, but she won't take it. Anyway, it is a happy ending--Lisa learns the value of money, Lisa's dad isn't mad, and we get famous words of wisdom from Zack Morris. The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it.

--Bri

Quote of the Episode
"The Lisa Card--don't leave home WITH it!" --Zack (so I mentioned it already--too bad. It IS the quote of the episode.)

Grade
Bri: B-. This episode was okay--I mean, it had a dream sequence and all--but it just isn't as funny as other episodes. Plus, the fact that Lisa's clothes are SO ugly but everyone thinks they are fashionable really gets to me.

2003-09-11T09:45:00.000-05:00

Kelly of Arc, Junior-Prom Martyr

Kelly is sitting around in her George-Michael-emblazoned room when Zack and Slater walk in. Zack announces that it's time for the junior prom, and Kelly must now finally make a decision between the two of them. Well, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. I thought this day would never come. Kelly begins her usual waffling, and Zack and Slater begin their usual bickering. Slater tells Kelly not to settle for a mere boy when she can have a "gladiator." Um, OK, Russell Crowe. Don't you mean "Why settle for a mere boy when you can have an incredibly homosexual boy?"

To prove my point, let's cue the dream sequence. In Kelly's dream, Screech is wearing a plastic wig (wouldn't a real wig with gel in it suffice?) and a fake mustache and is going by the name "Geraldo Screech." Kelly is having a "Hunk-Off" to decide between Zack and Slater. Geraldo Screech asks Jessie and Lisa for their opinions on the whole thing. Lisa thinks it's great. Jessie thinks it's "reverse macho piggism." I think "piggism" isn't a real word. Also, why are they all talking like Stepford wives? Is this what people do on Geraldo? (I wouldn't know; we weren't allowed to watch it. That and Married With Children. And The Simpsons. Basically, I missed out on a good chunk of late-80s/early-90s pop culture.)

Anyway, we're down to the last round: evening wear. Zack is sporting something navy blue that he picked up at a random yacht club in New England. Slater is wearing a white suit and a coral-colored T-shirt. I wish I were kidding. No one should wear that, unless maybe they're a flamboyantly gay club owner in South Beach. And even then...no. Kelly must be blind to the complete hideousness of this outfit because she picks Slater as the winner. Fortunately, the non-dream Kelly is a bit more lucid and announces to the entire school the next day that Zack is finally the winner in the ongoing battle for her affections. Zack does a little happy dance.

Back at Chez Kapowski, however, things are a bit less gleeful. Basically, world peace broke out, and Kelly's dad lost his job. Never mind the fact that when this show aired, the country was at war. We were also in a recession...perhaps you could have blamed the job loss on that, huh, writers? Good one. Kelly's martyr complex rears its ugly head, and she tells her dad to take back the money he gave her for her prom dress. He protests at first, but she insists, saying she can go to the prom next year. Which is a good point, only she totally doesn't mean it. She's brokenhearted about missing her prom. Um, couldn't she just borrow a dress from someone? Or get one for $10 at the Goodwill? They always seem to have a lovely selection of early-90s prom dresses.

The next day at school, Kelly breaks the news to Lisa and Jessie about the prom. However, Zack is so excited that she can't work up the courage to tell him. He goes on and on about the limo that he rented with "some of the guys." Um, what guys? Aren't the only guys he hangs out with Slater and Screech? Who are these mysterious "guys?" Anyway, Zack tells Kelly that the limo has a CD player and a TV. Ooh, he's practically P. Diddy.

Later that night, the entire gang is at the movies on a date with Lisa and Screech. Lisa makes the gang sit between her and Screech as a buffer, but she unwisely puts herself at the end of the line, so all Screech has to do is switch seats. However, when Lisa won't stop talking (She keeps mistaking the main zombie for Matt Dillon when it's actually Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke? A zombie?! OK, I can kinda see it.), Screech gets annoyed and dumps her. Meanwhile, when Zack suggests letting Slater and Jessie go in on the whole limo thing, Kelly gets all weird. When Zack asks her what's wrong, she blurts out, "I can't go to the prom with you!" and runs out of the theater. Maybe it's just me, but she totally could have handled that one better.

The next day, Slater finds Zack in everyone's favorite moping-about-the-opposite-sex spot: the locker room (which is, coincidentally, also everyone's favorite dressing-up-like-the-opposite-sex spot). Slater asks Zack what's wrong and then offers to kiss and make it better. (I am not making that up.) Zack says he's upset about Kelly dumping him, and she won’t even return his phone calls—she makes her mom tell him she’s washing her hair. Another good move, Kel. Finally, Slater spills the beans about the whole world peace thing and Kelly's dad getting laid off.

The night of the prom, Kelly, wearing an off-the-shoulder Bayside sweatshirt, is gazing forlornly out her window. Zack walks in and asks her why she didn’t just tell him about her dad. Kelly says she felt bad because he was so excited about the prom. So dumping him without rhyme or reason and making him think you don’t like him anymore is supposed to make him feel better? I don’t get it. Zack asks Kelly to take a walk with him.

Cut to the prom, where Alan (this week’s token chubby extra) is busy licking all the icing off the cake. Eeew. I understand the cake obsession, but dude! Cut yourself a piece. Or five, if you want. Belding walks up, and Alan offers him a finger of icing. Eeew squared. Out on the dance floor, Jessie and Slater are trying to be Patrick Swayze and Cynthia Rhodes and failing miserably. The crowd seems to enjoy it, though. What I’m enjoying is Jessie’s prom dress, which is a turquoise strapless sequined number with a taffeta skirt and a big bow. I know I have seen that dress at the Goodwill. See, Kelly totally could have gotten her dress there!

Of course, then she wouldn’t have gotten to have her beautiful prom picnic, complete with icing-less cake that Zack has wrestled away from Alan. Once again: Eeew! Fortunately, Zack and Kelly don’t actually eat the cake because they’re too busy gazing in each other’s eyes and having their first kiss and stuff. Wooooo! The moral of the story here, kids, is that sweatshirts are better than sequins and picnics are better than proms. Especially when said proms involve Jessie and Slater trying to “dance.”

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: Can we talk?
Kelly: Um…I have to go wash my hair.
Zack: Because of you, there’s a drought in California.

Grade
Clare: A. This episode is notable for a couple of reasons. First, Kelly finally makes the right decision between Slater and Zack. (How Slater was even an option for that long is beyond me.) And Slater realizes he can never have Zack, so he settles for the next best thing: Jessie, in all her transsexual glory. All that and a zombie movie starring Alan Thicke! What more could you want?

2003-09-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

Never trust those accents

Zack is in the Max talking to Screech about big ideas and big money when Jessie, Slater and Lisa come in. Jessie’s quizzing Lisa, comparing her advice to that of an advice columnist. Jessie’s amazed that Lisa & Dear Donna always give the same answers. I’m amazed that anyone actually writes to those magazines when you can guess the answer they’ll give you. Zack tells us that he’s just found his gimmick as a 75-watt flashes over his head. Kelly walks in with Nicki, her little sister who begins shooting the major starry eyes at Zack. She fantasizes about the girls waiting for a prince at the Max in their prom dresses (except for Kelly, who’s wearing a dress made of foil) while she’s forced to scrub the floor. Hey! I wonder if this is a play on Cinderella. Slater, Screech and Zack come in looking and sounding like Run-DMC rejects searching for the girl who can wear the gold sneaker. Just like in Cinderella, it’s the lowly 7th grade sister of the prom queen that he’s dating that the prince really wants.

Later, Zack and Screech discuss how rich they’re going to be while doing a variation on the tango. After Lisa walks in and embarrasses them, Zack reveals his plan to launch a Teen Line. Now, this wouldn’t be the same Teen Line where Zack picks up handicapped girls, would it? No. This one makes money I see, as Lisa requests half of the profits in cash. Once again, the Pandora’s box of bad accents is opened as Zack and Lisa “disguise” their voices to the Teen Line callers as a descendant of Crocodile Dundee and a southern belle, respectively. Various members of the cast call, including Jessie because she’s all about Slater and Nicki, because she’s all about Zack.

The next day, Nicki waltzes through Bayside in her prom dress (since when did Bayside include middle school?) and brazenly tries to steal Zack from her sister. When Nicki demands a kiss, Zack throws her in his locker just as Kelly walks up – overly tanned – and gushes because Nicki has her first crush and they finally have something they can share. What a loser. Jessie walks down the stairs and sees Nicki grab Zack and hug him as he looks disgusted and immediately assumes they’re dating.

Because Lisa’s solved everyone’s problems, Zack fires Lisa and he and Screech get the idea to give out bad advice. Soon the Teen Line is buzzing again. Zack gets simultaneous calls from both Kelly (she’s worried about the possibility of Zack and Nicki dating) and Nicki (she’s…bored, I guess) and he accidentally gives each sister the advice meant for the other. Maybe it’s me, but if I have multiple people on the phone, I check to see who’s who before I relay an entire message.

In an art class that’s filled with some Nickelodeon type figures, the tension between the girls and boys comes to a climax when everyone sprays silly string all over each other. Belding comes in and takes all of the students to his office when someone throws clay in his face. When it becomes apparent that the Teen Line is to blame for all of the students’ woes he figures out that Zack and Screech are behind it. He tells them to fix the students’ attitudes or else. Or else what? Quit acting like you can do something Ritchie.

Zack recruits Lisa to help him calm the school down and to help him with Nicki and Kelly. She agrees and finds Kelly sitting forlorn on the steps, dressed like she’s ready for the battle of the sexes to get some of that money for the volleyball team. No, wait; she’s not even in those episodes. Anyway, she and Kelly go to the Max later that evening. Kelly, for some reason, is dressed like a prostitute on a cold night in a platinum blonde wig and an oversized pearly pink raincoat. Zack comes in dressed like Screech and begins playing the “dork” role a little too well. He meets Nicki and tries to gross her out by bringing out pet spiders and talking about the insect rodeo, but she’s really turned on by that stuff. You’d think he’d know she was weird like that since he’s dating her sister, but whatever. He finally tells her the truth about his feelings for her and her sister while Kelly listens – totally inconspicuous – in the adjoining booth. After Nicki leaves, Kelly gets into her prostitute role and tries to seduce Zack by suggesting that they go make a Kodak moment. Whew. Pretty racy talk, there. Zack turns down her advances, however, claiming he’s a one-woman man.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Zack: You know every person in here made a fortune before they were 20. And you know what they have in common with me?
Screech: Nothing. That's why you're not in there.

Grade: Kia: B-. You gotta give props to any episode from which they pull scenes to put in the opening credits. And that rap fantasy was great.

2003-09-10T14:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing's too good for Max...except for paying him

Screech takes Zack to the basement, which is full of things with sheets over them. Zack is amazed because he’s never seen this place before and he asks Screech how he found it. I’m guessing by walking down the steps, but that’s just me. Zack rips of the sheets and discovers radio equipment. Golly! A radio station. Screech plugs it in (as if an entire radio station runs on one plug) and Tiger Radio is up and running. The gang storms into Belding’s office and demands that the radio station be reinstated. After some brief ego stroking, Belding gives the OK. Don’t they need a transmitter? Some kind of FCC OK? A station number? Apparently not. All they need is good ol’ fashion get-to-it-tiveness.

Zack divvies up all radio segments between everyone but Slater. Slater’s all amped to do the sports report because he wants to spread his wings, diversify his palate. I would have never guessed him to be a sports person. Max brings their orders and…wait! Max is back? When did that happen? Anyway, Max brings their food, which looks like some White Castle burgers and explains that he’s had to cut back because times are hard. You know, most people would scale down on the help or raise prices. Not Max. He uses his magic wand to shrink the food. Everyone feels bad and commences to dig in, needing their energy for the opening broadcast.

Speaking of the opening broadcast, Zack kicks it off and everyone stands around grinning like a bunch of idiots. A montage of the gangs’ contributions flashes across the screen. With segments like “Kelly Desire” (is that name really appropriate for a high school broadcast?) and “Screech’s Mystery Theater” I can see why this was an instant hit. Slater brings the whole train to a screeching halt when he emphasizes the wrong words and accentuates dumb punch lines with a clown horn during his particularly long recap of sports scores. Zack tries to eliminate him from the roster but the girls convince him to simply shorten his airtime. Later Jessie runs in because she just found out that the Bayside School District (since when is a school district named after a school and not the city?) owns the Max. Makes sense; the Max is an extension of Bayside. Anywho, if Max doesn’t come up with $10,000 in back rent, the Max’ll be closed. Um, exactly how did he accumulate that much back rent? Isn’t one evicted after two months of delinquent payments? But back to the news: the gang’s shocked and appalled and desperately they try to figure out a way to help Max. I know! Why don’t you pay for your food! But no. They decided to blast the school board for wanting money owed to it by using the power of the airwaves.

Belding berates them for being irresponsible, but he lets it slip that he’s defended the station before. Meanwhile the school newspaper reviews the station and gives everyone great reviews except for Slater. He’s hurt when he realizes his friends didn’t tell him how bad he was and he quits. Like that’s a bad thing or something. Later, Jessie shows Zack the exact paper they were reading their reviews out of earlier. Only this one is supposed to be from the sixties and it has an article about Belding mooning the school board because they banned long hair and jeans. Zack goes to Mr. B. and tries to draw a comparison. No go, Morris. One struggle was for a changing social climate, the other’s for a man who can’t budget. But somehow Ritchie falls for it and he and Zack put their noggins together to find a way to save the Max. I’ll bet they have a dance! Well, I was only partially right.

They decided to take the radio station out of the basement and on to the streets where it’s needed – well, to the Max where it’s needed – to host a telethon with – that’s right, you guessed it – people dancing around. But what kind of students have $10,000 to spend on a local diner? Bayside students; they’ve raised over $8,000 in a few hours. Must be from all that money they saved from walking out on the bill. Slater calls and pledges his life savings, but soon afterward the phones stop ringing. That Slater. He wrecks everything. Around 3 in the morning, I’m guessing, Slater comes in to hand over his money, but everyone is asleep. He grabs the broadcast mike and starts yelling into it, rallying the troops. Now, I’m not really sure if he’s talking to the people at the Max or the people listening to the broadcast. I think he switched his audience in the middle of his speech. The 4 people still listening were inspired to call in, which was all they needed as they did the big group hand thing signaling that all is well.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
Mr. Belding: I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.
Lisa: I thought Springstein was The Boss.
Mr. Belding: Ah, he stole it from me.

Grade: Kia: C+. Who actually wants to put in the effort to run a radio station in high school? The fact that they never pay Max a dime and wonder why he's broke has got to be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen on here.

2003-09-04T20:08:00.000-05:00

Dance Party: It's no Fast Forward

The camera pans the Max, which used to double as a disco where students come to try and study as we see the gang - gasp, separate booths – hunched over books. Max comes in and breaks up the party with one of his bootleg magic tricks. He reads a telegram from Dance Party that says that they want to hold a dance contest at the Max next Saturday. Yes! Another excuse for Zack and Slater to fight over Kelly. Slater tried to convince Kelly to be his partner by breaking out in a jerky hip-hop/ballet/jazz/most embarrassing display I’ve ever seen fusion. I think I saw the Roger Rabbit in there somewhere. For some reason everyone thinks they’ve just seen Wade Robson because they clap wildly. Zack challenges Slater to a real dance off for a time and location to be named later.

Later on, the gals are in the locker room getting ready for gym. I guess their gym uniforms include wearing gray hot shorts. Jessie’s freaking out, as usual. This time it’s because she’s afraid she’ll never stop growing. Um, I thought Jessie was supposed to be smart.

In music class, the most ragamuffin band I’ve ever seen has been compiled. At least they set up the groundwork for the Zack Attack early. No, seriously, I see orchestra and band instruments and a random guitar. The teacher announces that he has to teach two classes at the same time because Bayside has given up on substitutes. They begin to play and the synthesizers used to imitate sound are working on overload because it sounds like crap. When the teacher leaves the room the class turns into a bunch of A class musicians who jazz up the song. The teacher comes back and they go back to sucking. When the teacher leaves the second time, Elizabeth Berkley gets up and shows us why she didn’t make it as a dancer. Zack obviously had a seizure caused by Jessie’s twitching and spinning in her brightly patterned shirt because he proceeds to ask her for dance lessons.

The next day in Belding’s office Casey Kasem stops by and they take the opportunity to embarrass yet another cast member by having them attempt to dance. Belding re-enacts his award winning Twist impression in hopes that he’ll be able to dance on the show…too bad all Casey wants is a school banner.

But back to Zack and Jessie: they’re in her room dancing up a storm – or, at least, that’s what they’re supposed to be doing – when Jessie busts out with a move she just “invented.” Sorry Jessie, but I think those pesky aerobics instructors already beat you to that one. Anyway, Zack asks why she’s not in the dance contest and she admits that she’s a freak because she’s so tall. I always thought she was a freak, but not because of her height. Zack overlooks her freakish nature and he comes back for one more lesson. They get through a whole routine in which Jessie does all the real dancing. Here’s my question: If Zack can’t dance, and he’s only learned one routine that Jessie’s made up, then how does Kelly fit into the picture?

The day of the dance-off, Lisa hobbles in on crutches and her dance partner dumps her. Everyone’s so offended and the guys act like they’re gonna beat him up. Which I don’t get. It’s a dance contest. If she can’t even walk, how is she supposed to dance? Plus I don’t see either of them rushing to be her partner. Though Zack should have. He would have had a better chance with Lisa than with Kelly. I think Zack realized that as well, though a little late since Lisa already hobbled away. So when Kelly wants to start the dance-off, Zack declines because he wants to go with the only person who knows the only dance he knows.

During the Dance Party, Max comes out in a snazzy variation on his work uniform, complete with sequined lapels and introduces Casey Kasem. The three finalists come out to dance one more time, first of which, The Spandex Twins. I wonder what they’ll be wearing. You know, for Kelly to be so poor, she sure did produce a jazzy outfit. Lisa probably made it for her. Slater and Kelly do some generic dance that involves Slater picking her up numerous times. Jessie senses the competition, so when the Powerhouse Preppies dance, she grinds on Zack numerous times. Preparing for her Showgirls audition, no doubt. Screech and Lisa are introduced not by a name, but by the dance they’ll do – the Sprain. They hop around like idiots and the other two finalists encourage everyone to clap for them. They get the pity vote and win. Win what, exactly? The chance to see everyone in the Max hop like idiots, I guess.

--Kia

Quote of the episode:
"You better start running now punk or there's gonna be a full moon!"
-Slater to Lisa's ex dance partner.

Grade
Kia: C+. Seeing everyone fall all over Slater and Jessie like they're actually good dancers is great. I don't really like the episodes that try and show Jessie's insecurities...because I don't care. Plus Max was in it; not so good.

2003-09-04T08:55:00.000-05:00

It's raining men (in drag)

Slater and Jessie are at the Max working on their science project, which is a good ol' baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano. Man, I love the science projects on this show! They're either completely implausible or something I did when I was very small and playing in my sandbox. Slater inadvertently pours too much vinegar in the volcano, causing it to erupt a little too much, and Jessie chases him out of the Max, yelling about how hard it is to get lava stains out of clothes. Dude, it's not real lava. No wonder they're all taking Incredibly Remedial Science for Four-Year-Olds.

Screech wanders in with an entry in the completely implausible category--a huge pile of wires attached to some old-time photo flashbulbs, which he has given an incredibly long name consisting of about four vaguely scientific suffixes strung together. For our purposes, let's call it a transmogrifier. But instead of changing the cartoonal Calvin into worms or clones or what have you, Screech's transmogrifier does something much more useless. (I'm not sure what--you try making sense of completely implausible science projects first thing in the morning.)

Screech soon forgets the transmogrifier when Lisa walks into the Max. I don't blame him--she looks quite fetching in a black acid-washed miniskirt, white turtleneck, black bolero jacket and Boy George hat. (The sad thing is, I used to try to dress like that.) They do the whole running-across-the-meadow-to-embrace thing until we see that Lisa's actually running to embrace some random guy we've never seen before who ends up chewing her gum (which is especially strange when you consider we never see them kiss).

Dejected, Screech tells Zack he can no longer concentrate on the transmogrifier because he's obsessed with the fact that girls (especially Lisa) don't like him. Apparently forgetting that we already covered this whole plot line during the Miss Bliss season, Zack sets off to find Screech a woman. First target: Man-o Spano. At first, Jessie is receptive to the idea of going out with someone others find repulsive, likening it to Beauty and the Beast. But once she finds out the "Beast" is Screech, she turns Zack down flat. Desperate, Zack has only one place to turn: his giant cell phone.

From the men's room, Zack calls Screech on the hallway pay phone, pretending to be a Southern lass named Bambi. However, Zack soon learns that the men's room is not the best place to pretend to be a girl, as Belding happens to be in the stall and mistakenly thinks Bambi is hitting on him. (I should mention that Belding took a newspaper into the stall with him, so I'm a little surprised Zack wasn't immediately alerted to his presence.) Anyway, Slater walks in in the midst of Belding's conversation with Bambi and shamelessly eavesdrops. Hilarity ensues, naturally.

The next day, Screech is bragging to all of the girls about Bambi--until it dawns on him that he's never met her face-to-face. He then becomes obsessed with the idea of meeting her, and when Zack tells him it's impossible, he goes into the hall and handcuffs himself to his locker. OK, 1) Did he just have a set of handcuffs lying around at school? and 2) Geez, Screech, you've only talked to the girl once! What are you, a contestant on The Bachelor??

In Belding's office, Belding is trying to get Screech to un-handcuff himself from the locker. That's right--Screech is still handcuffed to the locker, and his locker and the adjoining one have been moved into Belding's office. During his conversation with Screech, it becomes abundantly clear that Screech will not un-handcuff himself until Zack agrees to let him meet Bambi, so Belding keeps paging his mysterious secretary "Jenny" to call maintenance. First of all, who the hell is this "Jenny" character? And second of all, I would think that if Belding and Screech managed to physically remove two lockers from an entire row of lockers and transport them into Belding's office, they could surely pick the lock on some handcuffs. Finally, Belding calls Zack into his office and threatens his life if Zack doesn't produce Bambi the next afternoon at the Max.

So Zack calls for reinforcements, namely Lisa...and Jessie. Lisa makes up some convoluted story about why Jessie's tagging along that involves a color wheel (why Lisa even has a color wheel, and why she would need one in order to dress Zack as a woman, is beyond me), but we all know the real reason why Jessie's there--if you're going to dress in drag, you might as well get the advice of a pro.

Although Jessie has done a fine job turning herself into a woman, her efforts on Zack leave a little to be desired. "Bambi" sort of reminds me of my grandmother. I think it's the huge tinted glasses. However, Screech seems to think she's quite a catch--as does Slater, who doesn't waste any time giving her the once-over. After Bambi admonishes him for being "fresh," Slater catches on to her true identity and once again gives Zack the once-over, along with a "Nice legs!" Hmm. Screech insists on introducing Bambi to the gang. Jessie and Lisa can barely contain their mirth. Kelly is completely daft and can't recognize Zack under a teased wig and tinted glasses. Slater cops a feel, and no one seems to notice that but me.

Finally, Bambi realizes that things are getting too serious when Screech puckers up for a kiss, so she gives him a bunch of insane Nazi dating rules and gets him to break up with her. As Screech leaves the Max brokenhearted but with the knowledge that at least one woman likes him (even if it is Zack in drag), Jessie commends Zack for his efforts on Screech's behalf. Slater, on the other hand, tries to get his digits.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"I understand. Actors, rock stars, principals...we excite people." --Mr. Belding, to "Bambi"

Grade
Clare: B. I'm not usually a fan of episodes featuring Angry Screech (I much prefer Happy-Go-Lucky-And-Kind-Of-Stupid Screech), but this one was worth it just to see Slater get to second base with Zack.

2003-08-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

When Jessie's away, the pigs will play

Lisa's in the hall showing off pictures to everyone who passes by of Zack and Tori making out all weekend. I find it a bit disconcerting that Lisa's now turned into a stalker. Speaking of the wonder couple, the waltz in hand in hand, so blinded by love that they walk into a bank of lockers. I also find that disconcerting. Actually, what I find more disconcerting is the fact that Tori's wearing a leather jacket with the sleeves pushed up in southern California.

Everyone bemoans the fact that they have no money for their sports teams. Lucky for them an alumni just died, leaving the students $10,000. They're offered the opportunity to vote on how to use the money the next day. When Zack and Slater suggest that the money be used for sports, the girls jump on the bandwagon until the guys squash them by saying the money should be used towards guys' sports: the "real" sports of the school. Where's Jessie when you need her? Belding has the brillant, fair and simple idea of having a battle of the sexes to decide who gets the money. Followed by -- what else could it be -- a dance! I guess something like dividing it in half would have been too much. It's a good thing they didn't have anything important to do, like go to class.

The first round is a scavenger hunt for picture puzzle pieces. I guess the fact that they were made from left over Mother Goose illustrations made it easy for the guys to win. To celebrate, they make up some gay chants comprised of two words: "We bad, we bad, we we we bad." They also throw some references to choo choo trains in there after which Slater gives a diva snap. They have obviously abandoned their testosterone for awhile, which gives Tori the perfect advantage to win the next round: the rebuilding of a carburetor.

The stakes are now so high that Zack feels the need to cheat. He shares the fact that the next round will be a bake-off and that he has rigged the girls' oven. Zack and Lisa, the respective bakers for their teams, face off and Zack taunts Lisa with such harsh lines like, "Hey, Lisa! I thought you said you couldn't cook." She shoots back with, "I never said I couldn't, I just said I wouldn't." I don't know. I think I'm gonna have to side with Zack on this one. Anyway, time's up and they pull their cakes of out the ovens. Lisa's is a black crusty mutation and Zack's is perfect. Hey, he did help his mom bake gingerbread women. And it helps that the girls apparently cannot smell burning food.

The guys win, and the girls go to sulk at the Max. Screech stops by and lets it slip that all things baked in that oven will burn. The girls figure out that the guys cheated, and they make a pact not to go out with any guy from Bayside until they confess. This would be the equivilent of sex deprivation, I'm assuming.

The guys can barely hold in their composure at the dance when they see the girls in their sexy spandex dresses with geometric shapes. Tori and Lisa come in, and Zack tries to negoiate with them. He fails miserably when Tori fixes his tie and he gets all hot and bothered. When Belding tries to present the check to Zack, he admits that they cheated. When Belding tried to give the check to Tori, she takes the high road, claiming that no one would have known the outcome of the bake-off. There's only one way to settle this. You guessed it: They limbo! I think it's weird that Tori suggested a limbo contest as a tie breaker since she's, without a doubt, the stiffest person to grace the show. During the big showdown, we get to see Slater's unnatural dexterity. There's no way he shouldn't have won that. He definitely took a dive. Tori magically wins the contest, and the girls' team revamps the "We bad" chant to reflect that cheaters never prosper.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Ox: "Hey hey hey. She can't dress in here. She's a girl."
Slater: "Ox, those are coveralls. They go over your clothes."
Ox: "Well I'm still not watching. I'm a gentleman."

Grade
Kia: C-. I really don't like the Zack and Tori episodes. In fact, I hate them, but the "We bad" song is great. Coupled with the fact that they would put so much effort into money for sports teams that they never practice for.

2003-08-28T16:10:00.000-05:00

Teen Line: Not as dirty as it sounds (Rap Room: Exactly as stupid as it sounds)

Zack walks into Belding's office to discuss the senior class community project with the rest of the gang while Screech knocks over everything that's not mounted down. Tori steals an idea from her old high school of a teen line and rap room. Naturally, every one thinks it's a great idea.

Tori lays out a few ground rules at the start of the teen line: never ask for last names, never ask for phone numbers and never never ask to meet. So I guess this means all three will be broken. Lisa gets the first phone call and doles out helpful advice like, "Don't wear white, or you'll look like Shamu at a wedding." Some kid wanders in to complain about his little brother, but when counselor Screech whines about being an only child, the kid offers his brother to Screech. What kind of dysfunctional family is this? Anyway, Zack gets a call from a girl with overprotective parents and immediately starts hitting on her. I think he took Jeff's "How to take Advantage of Girls Who Seek Your Help" seminar. Plus it's good foreshadowing of his manning of the suicide hotline in Dead Man on Campus. Anyway, he gives her some crap advice, telling her to set clocks back in her house so she can stay out later. I guess her parents don't have watches. He goes on to ask her name (Melissa), where she lives and invites her to meet him at the Max. Melissa for some reason doesn't catch on to the fact that the guy from the advice line shouldn't be asking you on a date and agrees to go out with him.

Zack goes to the Max the next day to meet her. He walks up to the usual booth, which now has a "Reserved" sign on it. I'm having a problem with this for a number of reasons: 1) You can't reserve a certain booth, 2) You definitely can't reserve a booth at a place like The Max, and 3) No one ever sits at that booth besides Zack & Co. But I guess the Max is making a lot of changes, like the neon yellow tablecloths now adorning the tables...like the one Melissa is sitting at. Zack introduces himself and invites her to check out the music on the jukebox because it changes every week. Personally, I've never heard anything but cheesy synthesized music, but whatever. Melissa rolls over to the jukebox and Zack discovers her dark secret: she's in a wheelchair. I don't really know how he could have missed it before since he was staring right at her for 15 seconds. Riddle me this: how did she get down the stairs of the Max?

The rest of the gang comes in and invites her to come to Bayside and watch them in action at the teen line. Which consists of them sitting in a room answering phones. They sure know how to entertain. It turns out that they did more than answer phones the next day. A freakishly tall (I'd say...oh, 5'9") not totally unattractive girl comes in to talk to Zack and Slater about how shy she is around boys, being so freakishly tall and all. I don't know. If I was so shy around boys, I think I'd call for advice instead of heading straight for two not totally unattractive guys and moan about my dumb insecurities. Melissa tells her to think of tall as beautiful. I'm going to think of her as not smart because she gushes like she just got directions to the Holy Grail. She then proceeds to bend down in her not totally long skirt right in front of Zack and Slater and give Melissa a hug. That girl has an agenda.

Zack is so smitten with the fact that Melissa can think that he demands a date. He then proceeds to turn their nice quiet evening at the movies into a PC rally, even going as far as asking the guy in front of her to slump down because she's in a wheelchair.

The next day Belding walks in to Teen Line HQ and tells them that the school's budget has been cut and that all nonessential school programs must go, i.e., the Teen Line (What does i.e. mean, anyway? Who cares; you got it). Call me crazy, but I don't think it'll break the bank for five kids to sit around answering phones after school. The gang (sans Slater, plus Melissa) gathers at the Max, totally crushed and indignant that their two-day project has been cut. Shy-but-not-modest girl comes up to them and goofily announces that she has a date for the weekend. Inspired by the one person they helped, they try and think of a way to raise money to keep the Teen Line open. When Slater comes in from basketball practice, Zack has the brilliant idea to have a wheelchair basketball game, to be followed by a dance. So let me get this straight: they're gonna raise money for an annual project that was somehow overlooked in the budget by throwing a dance that definitely was not budgeted for. Makes sense.

The game goes off without a hitch, making enough money to keep the Teen Line open. Then Zack feels the need to make a speech about Melissa being the true star because she's only one who has to stay in a wheelchair. Smooth one, buddy. Melissa blasts him about always calling attention to her handicap and rolls off angrily.

At the dance, Slater goes up to "I'm not really shy; I just wanted everyone to feel sorry for me" girl who's wearing an even shorter skirt and she tells Slater that he's the hunk she's after. What did I tell you? Zack, along at the refreshment table, spots Melissa, apologizes and promises to treat her normally for the last 12 seconds of the show. He then proves this by "dancing" with her. I don't know. It looked a lot like her just spinning around in a circle. Oh, bad Kia. If I've learning nothing else from this episode, it's that people in wheelchairs have the right to look just as stupid as people without any physical disability.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Slater: Oh, you play basketball?
Melissa: Every day in my driveway. You should see my hook shot.
Screech: Oh, can you dunk?
Melissa: Only doughnuts, but I still love to play.

Grade
Kia: C. The fact that Zack was made a peer counselor is hilarious. Other than that, there was nothing exceptionally notable about this episode...except for Zack and Lisa sitting together in the booth on two occasions. But that's another story.

Clare: C-. I have never been fond of the whole Zack-helping-those-less-fortunate-than-him schtick (witness the horrible homeless Christmas debacle). Especially since the message always seems to be, "Help people, but only if they're pretty." Don't average-looking or even ugly people deserve some Zack Morris love, too?

2003-08-26T15:56:00.000-05:00

Jessica Myrtle Spano: Gone, but somehow still annoying us

Zack walks into the hall wearing a wallpaper-inspired shirt and all in a tizzy because someone parked in his parking space. As Screech describes the perpetrator of the crime -- a big bad biker dude -- a girl wearing a black leather jacket full of zippers walks through. Zack gives her attitude about parking in his space and she give him attitude back, thus signaling that Zack has met his match. I guess. Zack goes to Belding and whines about his space while the Fall Ball dance committee has a meeting. Mr. B. shows his complete faith in Lisa as chair by telling her that he hopes she can make it as good as last year's dance. Since there wasn't one last year, I'm thinking Lisa's cool. Lisa, however, has adapted Jessie's aggresive personality, snapping at her committee calling them stupid nerds.

Later, in class, the same teacher who assigned a test on the first day of school gives out an ad campaign project to be done with a partner. Amazingly, Zack gets stuck with Tori. While meeting at the Max to go over their computer datebook project, they trade ruthless insults like, "That way you don't get Candi mixed up with Bambi" and "If it was your datebook, it would be empty." In the end, they decide to split up the project. Meanwhile, Lisa's turned into some Hitler-like personality, telling her committee that they're not allowed to eat. Finally, after being called incompetent, Slater gets fed up and quits as the rest of the committee follows suit. Lisa spots Tori, begs for her help with the dance, and she agrees.

It's the next day; it's presentation day, and Tori is a no-show. Zack begins to demonstrate his half of the project duties with cue cards and a shirt that looks like bacteria cells. He tries to stall by presenting a scenario of a missing partner who is costing the other partner a grade -- I mean job -- when Tori dashes in, right on cue.

After class, Tori meets Lisa in the hall and they talk about how tired they are for staying up all night and decorating for the dance. Tori has developed a new appreciation for Zack after seeing how resourceful he was. Later, Tori walks into the Max, spots Zack sitting at a dirty booth (two half full glasses, neither of which Zack seems to be interested in) and tries to cozy up to him, which only ends in a shouting match. She storms out of the Max and goes to the girls' locker room, kicking lockers. When Lisa guesses that Tori has a crush on Zack, she suggests that Tori soften her image.

At the dance, Zack tries to make conversation with his date, Ginger [Sampras], and fails. Tori makes her grand entrance wearing a variation of Lisa's mystery mansion dress and all of her hair in a poof on the side of her head. As Tori plays up her feminine (?) side to Zack, Lisa keeps walking by in the background, grinning like the Cheshire cat. When Zack blows Tori off for Ginger, Lisa cuts in and tells Zack that Tori was late because she was helping with decorations. Zack finds Tori pouting in the hall, apologizes and they agree to start over. Tori's a bit disappointed when Zack walks off after calling her pal. I can see the determination in her eyes, though. She'll make him hers for at least... 2.5 episodes.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Tori: "So how are things going with you and that bimbo Ginger?"
Zack: "She is not a bimbo! She's not a bimbo. She's just...happy."

Grade
Kia: C+. The fact that it's a Tori episode counts for the majority of the deductions, but the fact that Pete and Ox are beginning to get played up is great. Can't forget Zack and Lisa dancing. That's what gets the plus.

2003-08-26T12:52:00.000-05:00

Punky-a! Power-a!

Well, it's senior year, and that means time is winding down for the good ol' Bayside High gang. Until Tori comes along, that is. But I digress. The twelve students of Bayside are gathered in a classroom filled with A/V equipment and Punky Brewster. Zack walks in, sees Ms. Brewster and is so shocked that he must give us a wink. It turns out that Punky's name is Robin and she is quite unreceptive to Zack's charm, as it does not come with a Rockefeller-size bank account.

Belding walks in and announces that everyone must be wondering why he's teaching communications and asks Slater to explain. Slater, like the rest of the world, has no idea. I thought it was because the show blew all of its money on the fancy shrubbery, velvet curtains and former child stars that decorated the room, so they couldn't afford Mr. Tuttle. Anyway, Mr. B. tells the class that their class project will be to create a show for cable. I must note that while ideas are being thrown out, I see Lisa giggling at Zack, who is off camera. She obviously forgot about the SBTB Bermuda Triangle because she's still acting somewhat attracted to him. Anywho, after some debate, the class decides on a "Today Show"-for-teens format.

A few seconds later, the show is magically in production. Slater's the director, I assume, because he's shouting commands and wearing a nifty headpiece. Robin catches his eye and he proceeds to ask her on a date. Again, a Bayside man's advances are thwarted. But the show must go on. And it did. Anchors Zack and Lisa bring the breaking news, including Jessie bringing Belding to tears for asking him about missing money and not talking about his pet turtle, as well as Kelly's weather report in which she's wearing a down jacket with no pants. Or skirt. Or any kind of visible bottom. Hey, this is for cable.

There's also a segment called Chef Screech's kitchen, and we see Slater doing double duty as both the director and the kitchen help. I guess they were too impatient to wait until the cameras were rolling because they're already three-fourths of the way through. When it's revealed that the spaghetti sauce they've made is so good, everyone in the crew eats from the pot that Slater has quadruple dipped from. Zack and Slater have the wild and crazy idea to sell Screech's sauce. Meanwhile, Robin sets her sights on Screech, a nerd with great earning power. Which I don't really get since they haven't sold anything yet.

After a messy start in the production of the sauce, the gang decides it would be better to shoot a commercial full of horrible Italian stereotypes and accents. In it, Slater plays the brother of the family named Mario and he utters the phrase, "Hey! We're saved by the bell!" All by accident, I'm sure. I don't give the writers that much credit.

Using her job at the Max, Kelly scores a prime spot to both sell and promote the sauce. Or maybe they're at the Max because there is no other place in the world. After some fantastic cheers about the sauce, Kelly immediately starts doing her real job. Where's Jeff when you need him? Those employees have gone wild.

Screech & Robin enter and order some fancy lobster meal from Kelly, who takes their money without any intention of getting the food. She does, however, promptly go back and tell the gang that Screech is buying Robin expensive gifts, like a watch. Lisa uses this opportunity to grope Zack as she asks if it's a nice watch. Not sly at all. Everyone appoints Zack to tell Screech about Robin. Just as he's about to, he and Screech are interrupted by a Betsy Crocker rep who informs them that Screech's sauce is actually a copyrighted sauce that's been in their cookbook for 20 years. He tells them to stop selling it or they'll be sued. I don't know. Something tells me that it wouldn't quite happen like that.

Everyone is so mad at Screech that they refuse to talk to him. When Zack finally gets around to telling Screech about Robin, Screech claims he's jealous, but then overhears Robin bragging to her friend about her rich nerd. Meanwhile, while everyone's packing up the remaining sauce, Mr. B. tells Zack that they need to come up with $1500 for inappropriate use of school supplies or they'll all be suspended. Again, probably not the way it would really happen.

When Screech reveals that he spent all of the profits on Robin (how did he get the money in the first place?), Zack comes up with a brilliant idea that involves him dressing as German wealth and bidding on the recipe for Screech's sauce, which has been put up for auction, in front of Robin. She opposes the acquisition of the sauce by the "foreign creep" and offers to buy it for 2g's. And that's the moral, guys. Get out of a scam with a scam. You'll get the snobs back and even make a profit.

--Kia

Quote of the episode
Belding: "Zack! You must think I'm pretty dumb."
Screech: "We're not the only ones!"

Grade
Kia: B+ If for nothing else, because of that horrible commercial. Zack with a huge beer belly and Lisa screaming out indecipherable lines in what's supposed to be an Italian accent is classic. Points for my boy Sly in a strong supporting role and seeing Berkley as one of the Macaroni Mamas.

2003-08-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

Adventures in Lip-Synching

At the Max, Zack introduces us to the hottest couple at Bayside. It's not him and Kelly, and it's not Jessie and Slater. It's none other than Screech and Violet "Producer's Daughter--Oh, Wait, Wrong Show" Bickerstaff! Screech and Violet sit down at a table opposite the gang and start sucking...on a chocolate malt with two straws. The gang sits there and stares at them like the shameless voyeurs they are.

Finally, they all remember that their mothers taught them it's rude to stare. Either that, or they just want to get a better view. They head over to Screech and Violet's table, where Violet says she's late for glee club practice. For some reason, she tries to get the rest of the gang to join the glee club, and they all make up excuses as to why they can't. Slater says he prefers more active things, like "football, wrestling and Jessie." Ew. Lisa tells it like it is and says, "The glee club is for dorks." Besides, as Bri has already pointed out, why do they even call it a glee club? Why not choir? That seems to work for most normal people.

Zack perks up, however, when Violet mentions that the winner of the upcoming all-city sing gets a trip to Hawaii. I'm beginning to think that the only place that exists outside the universe of Bayside is Hawaii. I mean, think about it. When Slater's father was going to be transferred by the military, where was he being sent? Hawaii. When Zack was trying to get out of detention to win a trip, where was the trip to? Hawaii. When the producers of SBTB finally got enough of a budget to make a two-hour movie on location that guest-starred Rena Sofer, where was it set? Hawaii. My point exactly.

Later that day, the gang has joined the glee club, which is led by none other than Mr. Tuttle. (Like Hawaii, Mr. Tuttle seems to be omnipresent.) Of course, there is the slight problem that none of them can sing, despite the fact that, next season, they all form a band and go on to achieve worldwide reknown. Also, it's worth noting that Jessie has suddenly become a raging germophobic, and when Lisa sneezes, she pushes Kelly in front of her to absorb the germs. Of course, we all know she really did that so she could stand closer to Party of Five's Scott Wolf, who happens to be singing soprano with Jessie and Kelly in this episode. That's right--you heard it here first, folks! Scott Wolf got his start playing a glee club soprano on Saved by the Bell. He didn't have any lines, but he did nod vigorously at several points during the episode. Hey, whatever happened to Scott Wolf? Do you suppose the SBTB Bermuda triangle managed to suck him in even after he became semi-famous on Party of Five? It's a strong one, that triangle! Speaking of which, what the hell has Tori Spelling done lately?

Anyway. Back to the subject at hand, which is the rampant suckage of the glee club. As Zack and Screech are frantically trying to come up with a plan to salvage their trip to Hawaii, Violet calls and invites them both to a glee club concert at Cal State. Yeah, because I know I always like to bring my boyfriend's best friend along on dates. Or not. Zack at first tells Screech they don't have time to go to the concert, but soon, the lightbulb goes on over his head (not really, although it's been known to happen on SBTB). He rifles through his underwear drawer in search of his mini tape recorder. Since when is a tape recorder contraband worth hiding in your underwear drawer? Condoms? Maybe. Marijuana? Definitely. Tape recorder? Kind of makes me wonder what he's been using it for. I mean, I know tape recorders are often forbidden at concerts, but in your own room? Not so much.

The next day, Zack plays his bootleg tape of Cal State's glee club singing "When the Saints Go Marching In" while the Bayside glee club lip synchs for Belding and Tuttle. These two obviously have not watched enough episodes of SBTB and therefore have not yet learned to recognize the finer distinctions between people actually singing and people lip synching to recorded music that sounds nothing like their own voices. Belding is so impressed with the glee club's improvement that he gives them permission to compete in the all-city sing after all. But there's one problem: The competition judges apparently are SBTB watchers, and Zack thinks there's no way they'll be fooled by the lip-synch trick.

So Mr. Tuttle decides that they'll just let the best singer have a big solo, and the rest of the glee club will sing as little as possible. To me, that seems to kind of defeat the whole "team" atmosphere of the glee club, but whatever. Mr. Tuttle asks Kelly to sing a scale, and she does in the same off-pitch voice she used to sing "Moon River" in the Miss Bayside pageant. Isn't it amazing that she went on co-front the Zack Attack?! She must have spent her summer taking voice lessons!

Violet gets up next and sings a scale that would make Julie Andrews proud. Mr. Tuttle thinks they've found their soloist, but unfortunately, Violet has an acute case of stage fright, and she freaks out and runs out of the room. Zack convinces Screech to go after her by feeding him the official date-rapist motto: "She's your woman! Now go out into the hall and talk her into it!" Screech does so (talks her into singing the solo, not date rapes her, you sickos), and Violet is so excited that she invites him to dinner to meet her parents.

Screech is freaked out by this proposition, so he solicits advice from his friends. Slater tells him that when he meets Mrs. Bickerstaff, he should tell her she looks like a celebrity. "Is that why you told my mom she looks like Candice Bergen?" Jessie asks him suspiciously. Candice Bergen?! Slater complimented Jessie's mom by telling her she looked like Murphy Brown? Oh my God, that's hilarious!

Unfortunately, Screech gets the advice a little confused and tells Violet's mom she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He also drinks out of the finger bowl and manages to tuck the tablecloth into his pants, breaking all of the Bickerstaffs' fine china. Apparently, these things are completely unforgiveable sins, and Violet's parents forbid her to ever see Screech again, which causes her to quit the glee club so she won't have to be around him. Screech points out that he can't sing anyway, so he'll quit the glee club instead. However, Violet refuses to sing the solo without Screech to support her. The gang tries to get Jessie to do it, but she is hoarse from what she says is Lisa's cold, although whatever Lisa had didn't give her a sore throat. Whatever. The glee club is doomed.

At the concert, however, Screech is able to talk Violet back into doing the solo. (Wow, he really would make a good date rapist!) Unfortunately, Violet's parents see her talking to Screech and yell at her, causing her to flee back to the bathroom in tears. With Violet gone, Zack decides to revert back to the lip-synching plan, hoping that the judges haven't seen that many episodes of SBTB. However, Screech messes up the tape player, and the glee club lip synchs to the song first in double-time, then half-time, then quadruple-time. Never let it be said that the cast of SBTB aren't good lip-synchers. They've certainly had enough practice.

At any rate, Violet returns in time for the big number, which consists of her singing "Beautiful Dreamer" with more vibrato than even Carmen Rasmusen could muster, while the rest of the glee club sings the word "bum!" on the same note at strategic intervals in the song. When Violet gets nervous, Screech glides on stage in his plaid pants, tie-dyed T-shirt and rainbow suspenders to support her with his not-so-perfect pitch. So much for none of the bad singers getting to sing.

Later at the Max, Violet's parents tell Screech that they were so impressed with the way he rescued their daughter that they've decided to let her continue dating him. Of course, no mention is ever made of whether or not the glee club actually wins the trip to Hawaii, which was the entire purpose of the episode in the first place. My guess is that Scott Wolf went there by himself, en route to the SBTB Bermuda triangle.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Slater: "Screech, when you meet Violet's mom, tell her she looks like a famous celebrity. Moms love that."
Jessie: "Is that why you told my mom she looks like Candice Bergen?"
(I'm sorry; I know I already mentioned that quote. But it's just too funny!)

Grade
Clare: B+. A fairly good episode, and one in which we can explore theories on what's outside the universe of Bayside, have a few laughs at the expense of Candice Bergen and finally understand why the only person they ever allowed to sing on 90210 was Jamie Walters.

2003-08-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

"I don't think we need to be subliminable..."

It's the episode where they have the "sweetheart dance," so Zack, in addition to a shirt that screams "early 90s JC Penney," is wearing a plastic heart with his name on it around his neck. He explains that once a guy asks a girl to the dance, she has to wear his heart. Honestly! Who has ever heard of a school actually doing something like this? If your school ever did this, I want to know. I'd be willing to bet they got the idea from SBTB, though.

Anyway, Zack wants Kelly to be his date, and of course, so does Slater. I should mention that in this scene, Slater is wearing black acid-washed jeans and a neon-pink tank top. Sexy! Torn between these two early-90s fashion gods, Kelly says she will have to think about it a bit longer.

Lisa comes dancing down the hall holding a boom box with a throng of dancing people behind her, like when did this episode become a Spike Lee joint? She tells the gang that it's the new Beau Revere song. Beau Revere? Has got to be the dumbest fake celebrity name in the history of this show. It sounds like "Paul Revere," who, while famous, was not exactly known for his hit teen-pop singles. Anyway, Belding walks up and reminds them about the no-playing-music-in-the-hall rule. Kelly's like, "But it's the new Beau Revere." Belding looks as confused as the rest of us regarding the identity of this Beau Revere character and says that he prefers the Beach Boys. Apparently their name wasn't licensed. Then again, in the Casey Kasem/Zack Attack episode, Brian Fate refers to "The Beach Buddies." So maybe they saw this episode and filed some sort of lawsuit against SBTB. You know, because maybe they had signed an exclusive contract only to appear on Full House as Uncle Jesse's buddies. I've put way too much thought into this. Anyway, Belding reminds Zack that he wants to meet with his mother.

Later, in Miss Wentworth's class, everyone is bringing her flowers, candy and apples. She explains that this is because she played them a tape with subliminal messages that said, "Bring your favorite teacher, Miss Wentworth, flowers, candy and apples." She also told them to bring in their single parents so she could jump their bones. Ew. And, inappropriate. Anyway, she goes on to explain how subliminal advertising works, but warns the students that some minds tend to confuse the messages. Cut to Screech eating flowers. OK, from "Bring Miss Wentworth flowers, candy and apples," he got "Eat flowers?" Why wouldn't he have eaten the candy? Or the apples? Sheesh.

Zack figures he can work this whole subliminal messages thing to his advantage, both to get Belding off his back and to get Kelly, who has by this time agreed to go to the dance with Slater, to change her mind and go with him. He recruits Screech to help him dub subliminal messages onto tapes of both the Beach Boys and the enigmatic Beau Revere. But how to switch out Kelly's regular, non-subliminal tape with the new enhanced version...

Dress Screech in drag and send him into the locker room, of course! This time he's Barbara Bush, and, to his credit, he does actually look slightly like the younger Barbara Bush. Except she was, like, eight when this came out. And no one knew who she was back then because she had yet to get caught for underage drinking. Anyway, Jessie takes pity on Barbara and offers to get her some gym clothes. While she does, Barbara switches Kelly's and Lisa's (which contains subliminal messages about Screech) tapes.

The next day, Kelly finds Zack and tells him that she doesn't want to go to the dance with a "muscle-bound monkey" and discards Slater's heart for Zack's. Ah, so the tapes worked! Either that or Kelly came to her senses and realized that neon tank tops are never a good look. Meanwhile, Lisa is gushing about Screech, calling him all sorts of synonymns for horse, such as "mustang" and "stallion." Kind of makes you wonder what messages he put on the tapes.

Later at the Max, Jessie is studying while listening to Kelly's Beau Revere tape. I should mention that this entire time, Jessie has been wearing the heart of some guy called Steve, even though we have no idea who Steve is because he's never been mentioned. Anyway, Max comments about Jessie going to the dance with this mysterious Steve person, but Jessie says she'd rather go with Zack. Kelly and Lisa show up, and Kelly and Jessie both begin quoting what I assume are lines from Zack's subliminal message tape. Um, I don't really think that's how subliminal messages work, but whatever. Kelly and Jessie soon realize that they've been duped. At first, Lisa can't believe that her "buff bronco" is in on it. But then she realizes that she just called Screech a "buff bronco." The girls take their case to Miss Wentworth, who prefers getting even over getting mad. Of course.

The next day during Miss Wentworth's class, Belding comes on the PA and announces that he's giving the students a break from learning by playing them Kelly Kapowski's Beau Revere tape. Ten seconds into the tape, Jessie dances over to Zack's desk and tells him she can't live without him. The rest of the class follows suit shortly. Zack escapes into the hallway, only to be met with a gaggle of girls chanting "Zack! Zack!" in a zombie-like manner. The girls all throw their plastic heart necklaces on Zack. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Like, aren't they supposed to wear his necklace? Anyway, Slater breaks up the crowd by announcing that Zack is going to the dance with him. Finally, their homosexual love affair is exposed! Subliminal messages my ass! We all knew Slater had these feelings for Zack all along.

Panicked, Zack runs to Belding's office and begs him to stop playing the tape. Belding agrees, but then adds "Did anyone ever tell you you look like a blond Tom Cruise?" Back off, Belding, he's Slater's man! Finally, Zack confesses to the whole subliminal messages scam, and Belding reveals that he wasn't actually playing Kelly's Beau Revere tape, so the whole school actually is not in love with Zack. Except for Slater, that is.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Zack, I am not a straw. Don't suck up." --Belding

Grade
Clare: A-. Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I once did a science project on subliminal messages, and I got the idea from this episode. And I won 2nd place in the science fair! So I have to like it. Besides, Barbara Bush is the best Screech-in-drag character this side of Sinead O'Connor.

2003-07-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

Come and go with me (to the SBTB Bermuda triangle)

Zack is at the Max, where he tells us that Bayside is planning to have a sock hop so they can "dig that crazy scene...whatever that means." Um, you got me, Zack, as I think you're probably the first person to use that phrase in the history of the entire world. Zack joins the gang at their regular booth, where Ginger (aka Mrs. Pete Sampras) comes up to take their order. Instead of ordering like regular people, the gang launches into a Doobie-Brothers-esque medley about the great Max food and their great waitress Ginger Sampras. Ginger is so flustered by their wonderful lip synching that she forgets to take their actual order, and they all rag on what a ditz she is. Hey, if you would order food like normal people, maybe these things wouldn't happen.

Their musical number for this scene out of the way, Slater tells everyone that his kid sister is coming into town. Zack, Screech and Lisa are all like, "Oh, J.B.!" while the entire viewing audience, a few extras and most of the crew is like, "Oh, J.--what the hell? Slater has a sister? Um, where exactly has she been for the past four years?!" If I had to guess, I'd say she was kickin' it in the SBTB Bermuda triangle with Artie the Chameleon. The gang fills Tori (and the rest of us) in on the mysterious J.B., namely the fact that she's a tomboy. Hmm, long-lost tomboy sister? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she's going to end up being hot.

Later in the hallway, Slater attempts to explain why we've never heard of J.B. before--she's been at boarding school and then living in Europe. Oh, well that explains it. Because I know when my relatives don't live in the same city as me, I often forget they exist and never, ever mention them to my friends. Also, when did Slater become a freaking Rockefeller?! As Lisa, who is supposedly the rich one in the gang, is gushing about Miss J.B. Slater's privileged existence (while we're at it, what is up with everyone in the Slater family going by their initials--must be a conceit of the wealthy), Zack scopes a hottie at the end of the hall. Everyone acts mucho surprised that the hottie turns out to be J.B., even though they must have seen it coming a mile away like the rest of us did.

Zack offers to accompany J.B. to Slater's wrestling practice. Slater is suspicious because Zack has never wanted to come to wrestling practice in the four years they've known each other. OK, 1) He did go to wrestling practice that time he was dating the female wrestler, Kristy, and 2) You never mentioned your sister in the four years you've known each other, Slater, so you really don't have room to talk. Anyway, Zack turns on the charm while he and J.B. are at wrestling practice, and they sneak away to the Max while Slater's busy getting touchy-feely with a bunch of sweaty guys.

The next day, Lisa is all abuzz about the love flame between Zack and J.B. Zack decides he'd better tell Slater what's going on between him and J.B. before the news makes it onto Page Six of the Bayside school newspaper. Slater tells Zack he's OK with it but secretly dispatches Screech to ask out J.B. first because, as he puts it, "Zack has busier lips than I do." Screech ponders the concept of "busy lips." The rest of us throw up at the thought of Slater getting busy with his lips.

Slater's plan is ultimately doomed, a) because it's a dumb plan, like how is one person asking J.B. out going to prevent someone else from asking her out? and b) because he chose Screech to execute it. Once Screech discovers that J.B. isn't into bugs, he deems that Zack would be a much better match for her. What perfect timing, because Zack just walked in to ask J.B. out! Slater immediately moves on to Plan B, which is to ask Tori out and make it a double date.

On the date, Slater is doing everything in his power to keep Zack and J.B. apart, such as driving really badly. Well, I guess if you kill them, they can't date. Great plan, Slater! Tori, meanwhile, is acting like they're on an actual date and is getting really pissy that Slater's not paying attention to her. Memo to Slater: When you require a partner in crime to execute your schemes, it's good to let him or her in on the scheme itself. Eventually, Slater resorts to really, really fakely choking on some popcorn, which causes Tori to give him the Heimlich with the whole movie theater watching. Slater claims to be scarred by his near-death experience with a popcorn kernel and makes everyone go home.

The next day, Belding, fresh from male sensitivity training, decides he's going to make the guys' gym class do some male bonding. For some reason this involves Belding wearing an actual bear's head on his head and all the guys wearing fur pelts over their gym clothes. Where's Jessie with a good PETA-type protest when you need her?! Oh, the bonding exercise also requires a fake campfire and some sort of stick. Anyway, Screech and Ox get all emotional about the respective pressures of being a geek and a jock, and then they hug and cry. Why do they need some ritual with animal pelts and fake fire for this? Why can't they just watch The Breakfast Club? It's a lot more entertaining, and no animals had to die for it. Anyway, Belding gives Slater the stick, and Slater goes off on Zack for dating his sister, then throws off his fur pelt in anger! Ooooooh!

Later, Zack and J.B. are parked at some unspecified location that, in keeping with this episode's Happy Days-esque theme, we'll call Inspiration Point. Zack turns to J.B. and tells her how beautiful she looks. Yeah, if you can manage to forget the fact that a huge neon-orange scrunchie is obliterating most of her head! Anyway, as soon as Zack goes in for the kiss, J.B. morphs into Slater, chastizing Zack for being a horrible friend. Man, Mario Lopez is one ugly woman! In his case, I think the huge orange scrunchie actually helps. Anyway, Zack freaks out and tells J.B. that maybe they should call it quits.

At the sock hop, Lisa and Tori (both of whom are wearing a few too many scarves) tell Zack (who is wearing one too many jackets with a sequined lapel) that he should go talk to J.B. (who has totally ruined her cute '50s strapless dress with yet another ill-placed scrunchie). But before he can, Slater (in Danny Zuko finery) walks in. Determined to put his male sensitivity training to use, Mr. Belding (incarnating The Fonz and not doing too bad a job of it) brokers an understanding between the two of them before any of the items on his body can end up in the punchbowl again. With their "band" back together, The Five Aces (aka The Zack Attack, circa 1950) lip synch J.B. right back to the SBTB Bermuda triangle from whence she came.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Screech (to J.B.): "Wow, you're a girl now!" (to Tori) "There's hope for you yet!"

Grade
Clare: B-. Yes, it's a Tori episode, but it's one in which Tori's scenes are rightly kept to a minimum. It's also one that features Belding wearing a bear carcass on his head, some really funny lip-synching, Slater in an orange scrunchie, not to mention J.B., Slater's mysterious long-lost sister, who must be like the sovreign of the SBTB Bermuda triangle.

2003-07-08T08:14:00.000-05:00

How am I supposed to...sing when your face is so freaking close to mine?

Zack announces that it's time for the annual costume ball (funny, since this is the first costume ball they've ever had), and he plans to be crowned king. And his queen is going to be...cue dramatic pause as Zack points at the staircase...Screech! You know, that would have been so much funnier had it been Slater. Anyway, no, the queen is going to be Kelly, only she can't go because she can't afford the costume due to having to provide for her large family, blah, blah, blah. Before she can guilt-trip Zack into throwing her another prom picnic pity party, Lisa mentions that the Max is looking for a waitress. How Kelly could not know that considering they spend every waking moment there is beyond me.

Later, Kelly is at the Max applying for the job. Jeff (aka The Sketchinator) gives her the once-over before talking to her about her application. He says he would rather hire someone with waitressing experience, but Kelly wows him with her many qualifications, such as having a big family and being perky. But it's her "Go Bruins!" cheer that finally seals the deal. The Sketchinator agrees to hire her on a probationary basis. Kelly, being a high-school junior, has no idea what "probationary" means and has to ask Jeff to clarify. Hmm, The Sketchinator thinks, young and stupid. Perfect!

Meanwhile, the dance committee is meeting in Belding's office. After some spirited discussion about who will be crowned king and queen (Zack and Kelly or Jessie and Slater, like are there no other couples in the entire school?), Lisa reveals that there is no budget for decorations. Couldn't they just recycle the sparkly streamers from the last dance? It was probably only a couple of weeks ago. But Zack has a better idea and offers the Zack Attack as entertainment, thereby freeing up the DJ money for some new sparkly streamers. Belding agrees, but only if he can sing a song with the band. Oh, this idea just has fabulousness written all over it!

The next day, Kelly has her first waitressing shift. It's already going badly when some goth/biker types complain that they didn't want mayonnaise on their hamburger. Kelly's all, "Oh, I thought you said you wanted mayonnaise." OK, Kel, rule number one of waitressing: Always blame the kitchen. Kelly offers to fix it and pay for it out of her tips. Rule number two: Don't offer to pay for anything out of your tips, because they're measly enough as it is. Jeff overhears the argument and tells Kelly that the customer is always right...until now. (And he says it all dramatic like that, too!) Then he tells the biker types to get lost. Damn straight, Jeff! Oh, except for the part where the customer actually was right in this situation. Might want to check on that before you drive away all of your business.

Later at Kelly's house, Zack comes in wearing a hat with a plume and bearing a flowy Shakespearean dress. Kelly's all excited because she made $22 in tips. That reminds me of the measly tips I used to make when I was a waitress! But at least I had the good sense to know I should have been making a hell of a lot more for the crap I put up with. Anyway, Kelly tells Zack that she can't go to the costume ball because she doesn't feel comfortable asking for the night off. Wasn't the whole point of her getting the job so she would have enough money to go to the costume ball? Gee, that was a great plan.

Zack decides to take matters into his own hands and approaches Jeff with some story about how Kelly is an only child and Saturday is her father's birthday. Too bad Zack didn't know that having siblings was listed on the "skills" section of Kelly's resume. Jeff calls him on the bogus story, so Zack admits the truth. Jeff acts all good boss by agreeing to give Kelly the night off. Ha! You may have fooled Zack, but I am on to you, Sketchinator!

To wit: Later that night, Kelly and Jeff are cleaning up and she's gushing about making $30 in tips. An improvement, sure, but still not great. Anyway, Jeff tells Kelly she can have the night off to go to the dance with her boyfriend, then immediately starts macking on her. See? Sketchy. Jeff kisses Kelly, and her reaction is what I might call "terrified," but that doesn't stop him from kissing her again. Finally, she runs away. Jeff looks off into the distance, thinking, damn, these high school girls are easy.

The next day, everyone is hanging out at the Max and talking about what a great waitress Kelly is and how hot she looks in her uniform. Speaking of which, why is Kelly the only waitress who has to wear a midriff-bearing shirt? You'd think this was Hooters or something. I blame The Sketchinator. Anyway, Kelly sits down with the rest of her friends, and Zack innocently puts his arm around her, as he has done so many times before in this very booth. Kelly looks like she's mildly constipated. The Sketchinator walks up, and Kelly looks even more constipated. She asks Zack to kill it with the PDAs while she's at work, and Lisa and Jessie exchange a Look. I don't know how Zack missed said Look, since it was supremely obvious and lasted several seconds, but whatever.

Later at band practice, Zack asks the guys if they think Kelly's seeing someone else. Slater says that's crazy because she's at school all day. Screech adds that when she's not at school, "she's at the Max with that good-looking college guy, Jeff." OK, I'll give you "college guy." Well, maybe not "college," because Jeff looks old enough to be Kelly's dad, which only adds to the sketch factor. I'll give you "guy." And good-looking? Actually, I'm embarrassed to admit that I did find Patrick Muldoon attractive when I first saw this episode. But I also bought a Michael Bolton CD because it had the song on it that Jessie and Slater sing at the end of the episode. So I obviously had some problems. (In my defense, I was 13. Everybody has problems when they're 13.)

At the dance, Kelly's constipation has reached all new levels. I mean, she's beyond "dramatization in an Ex-Lax commercial." She also can't concentrate on any thing that's being said to her and keeps giving Zack answers to questions he didn't ask. Dude, pull yourself together! You're giving cheating a bad name. The final straw is when, while basking in the glory of being crowned king and queen, Kelly calls Zack Jeff. I guess in the land of SBTB, this is equivalent to saying another person's name during sex or at the altar or something.

The Zack Attack is ready to play the last song, but Zack is nowhere to be found, so Slater has to take his part. You know, the person who sings for Slater isn't half bad. They should let him sing more often. Or maybe I'm just comparing him to the dying-cow noise emitting from Jessie. Anyway, Slater and Jessie sing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" with their faces so close together that Slater is visibly recoiling from Jessie's punch breath.

Meanwhile, Zack and Kelly are breaking up on the very picnic table where they had their prom picnic. Bittersweet, huh? Or an example of the show being so low-budget that Kelly and Zack are severely limited in their choices of where to break up. Anyway. I have watched this episode so many times that I can actually quote the lines along with them ("Oh, Zack, it wasn't supposed to be this way...not for us") the way some people quote, say, Casablanca or The Godfather. How pathetic is that? Wait! It gets better! When Zack says, "I thought we'd always be together," I improvise a little and start singing the next line ("I was sure our love would last") to "Did We Ever Have a Chance." Hey, I know it's pathetic, but I'm not the one cribbing my eloquent break-up speech from a pop song (even though it was a pop song that Zack himself supposedly "wrote"). Then again, I did buy that Michael Bolton CD, so I guess I can't say anything.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder.
Screech: Sounds like the flu. I'd wear a turtleneck tomorrow.

Grade
Clare: A+. Not since this episode of SBTB have I been inspired to buy supremely bad music because of a TV show. That's probably a good thing.

2003-07-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

Not-so-risky business

Zack shows up at Screech's house carrying a duffel bag and says he can't believe Screech's parents are leaving them in charge of the house for four whole days. Me neither. Zack puts his bag down and inexplicably becomes mesmerized with a ceramic bust of Elvis. Screech's mom comes into the room and immediately freaks out that Zack is touching her prized ceramic Elvis. I'm assuming this is not the first time Zack has ever been to Screech's house, so wouldn't he already know about Screech's mom's most treasured possession? Anyway, Screech's mom says that "Elvis is not a toy" and she would die if anything happened to him. Wait, is that foreshadowing? I think it might just be! Mama Screech bids her son good-bye and says how glad she is that he has a friend as trustworthy as Zack. What, is she new?

At school, Slater and Zack are ready to party down with some babes at Screech's house, but Screech, consulting the extensive list of rules left to him by his mother, says that Rule 137 is "no parties" and Rule 130-something-or-other is "no girls." Shouldn't those be like rules 1 and 2? Apparently "no ripping up phone books" and "no loud burping" are not on the list, so that's what the guys decide to do instead.

As the guys are telling the girls about their plans for the evening, Violet Bickerstaff (aka a snort-eriffic Tori Spelling) comes up and starts flirting with Screech, much to the consternation of her boyfriend, Maxwell Nerdstrom, the richest dork in school. You know, I feel kind of sorry for Maxwell. When you're born with a name like Nerdstrom, your one-dimensional high-school personality choices are severely limited. Anyway, Maxwell basically acts like a pre-singing-and-dancing Captain Von Trapp to Violet, and naturally, Jessie takes the case on as her own, telling off Maxwell and getting Violet to break up with him.

Suddenly Violet is best friends with Lisa, Jessie and Kelly, and they're all sitting around talking at the Max. Violet waxes poetic about Screech, and Lisa looks at her like milk just started coming out of her pores or something. The girls wonder what the guys are up to and Kelly says they're probably seeing who can burp the loudest. The girls think this is gross, so naturally they want to go witness it firsthand.

Back at Screech's bachelor pad, the guys are doing what all guys do when they have a house all to themselves: put on neon-colored tank tops and some of those glasses with little slats in them and dance around to "Barbara Ann." The guys are so engrossed in their little performance that they don't even notice the girls quite obviously pointing and laughing at them in the doorway. I won't even ask how the girls got in without the guys knowing; I'll just assume that everyone keeps their doors unlocked in the tiny town of Los Angeles. Anyway, the girls start dancing around, imitating the guys, and the ceramic Elvis statue gets knocked over. I totally did not see that coming at all!

Screech fears his mother really is going to die when she finds out about the statue. Cue the fantasy sequence, which features his mother as an angel. Although she has on wings, she's flapping her arms like she's in the last stages of Parkinson's as she tells Screech that she forgives him for the statue being broken, but now he must apologize to Elvis--or Mr. Belding in a really bad wig, as the case may be. If you've ever wondered if Dennis Haskins could get a post-SBTB gig as an Elvis impersonator, the answer would be no. He's really bad at it. Anyway, back in reality, Lisa tells Screech that she'll track down another ceramic Elvis.

Which, she does, only it costs $250, which doesn't seem like a lot of money, considering that there are seven of them involved in the whole Elvis-shattering incident, and they could each chip in about $35 to cover the cost. But why do things the easy way when you can do them with a Zack Morris scam? This particular scam involves Zack trying to hustle Max Nerdstrom at five-card draw. It's worth mentioning that Max shows up to the game in full poker garb, including one of those little dealer visors. First rule of poker hustling: It's not a good idea to hustle someone who has their own freaking dealer's visor! Apparently, Zack is not only unaware of this rule, but is also completely unaware of any of the rules of the game of poker, including but not limited to, bluffing. So it's totally unsurprising that the hustlers become the hustlees and Zack loses all of his money and Screech's dog to Nerdstrom. Like, who tries to run a poker scam when they obviously don't know the first thing about poker?? This is the worst Zack Morris scam of all time.

But fortunately, there's still time for Zack to redeem himself. He tries to sic Slater on Maxwell in order to get the dog back, but Maxwell happens to be equipped with a high-tech nerd alarm that alerts Belding whenever someone's trying to hurt him. But Maxwell agrees to give the dog back if they can get him a date with Jessie. Slater and Zack know Jessie won't like that, so they're all about it. I would chide them for being horrible friends, but come on, it's Jessie. She totally deserves it.

The second part of the plan involves throwing a party at Screech's and charging $10 a head to cover the cost of the statue. Are there really enough extras around for that plan to work? Apparently so. Jessie shows up at the party with Maxwell (in a leisure suit, like does this guy have the perfect outfit for every occasion or what??), and Slater teases her that "once you go geek, you can never go back." Well, Slater, I hear that once you wear a silk shirt, a patterned vest and pleated pants, you are officially gay.

Anyway, Maxwell says he won't give the dog back until Jessie kisses him, which is kind of dumb because at the time he says this, his henchman (Sylvester) has already brought in the dog and given it back to Screech. Still, Zack can't resist the chance to get in one last jab at Maxwell, and rubs the dog's nose up against Maxwell's lips while his eyes are closed. Max must have had his senses deadened or something, because he can't tell the difference between human lips and a dog's nose, and starts going into ecstasies about Jessie's kissing prowess, insulting Violet in the process. Hearing this, Screech breaks down the finer distinctions between "dog nose" and "human lips" for Maxwell, calls him a squid and orders him out of the house. A squid! God, what a great insult!

But the fun's not over yet, because Screech's parents are home early. I so did not see that one coming! Not only is there a rager going on in their living room, Slater is still not back from purchasing the statue! But Zack has a plan, and this time it's one that actually works. He tells Screech's mom that this is an anniversary party, backing up his claim by pointing to the archway, where a "Happy Anniversary" banner just magically rolls down. Man, Zack's super powers never cease to amaze me! Just then, Slater shows up with the Elvis statue, but he trips over his own homosexuality...um, I mean Mrs. Powers' suitcases, and sends the statue flying across the living room. Fortunately, Zack is able to catch it and put it in its place of honor on the pedestal without Mrs. Powers noticing. The King lives again!

Grade
Clare: A. OK, so Tori Spelling isn't exactly Rebecca DeMornay, and Dustin Diamond is a far cry from Tom Cruise. But I heartily condone any episode in which Jessie's friends sell her off to a nerd and feel absolutely no remorse about it.

2003-07-02T09:06:00.000-05:00

Three men, a cheerleader, a princess, a transexual & a little baby

The gang is gathered at the Max because Kelly has asked them all to meet her there because she has some earth-shattering emergency. In his haste, Screech has completely forgotten to put on his clothes and shows up in what I think is a karate uniform but what we later learn are actually his pajamas. Anyway, Kelly shows up with a baby in tow and tells the gang that the "big emergency" is that her parents got snowed in on their weekend away, and now there's no one to stay at home with her baby brother, Billy. Kelly has to be at school because they're taking yearbook pictures, like God forbid she not be in the yearbook! Also, have the Kapowskis never heard of the novel concept of a baby-sitter? I mean, don't they have a retired neighbor or something that could watch the kid? Anyway, like the wonderful friends they are, the gang starts making up excuses as to why they can't watch the baby, all the while passing it around the table like a hot potato. In the end, it's Zack who gets stuck on baby duty.

Today Zack decides that he's going to go to French class, even though this is the one and only time any of the characters on the show EVER are in French class. And I think I know why. It's because their teacher (who is identified in the credits as Madame Oeuf, or Mrs. Egg) thinks that the best way to teach French is by speaking English in a French accent. Um, OK. Today's lesson is on the pronunciation of the French "r," a concept that I could have summed up for them in about two seconds: Sound like you're choking on a hairball. Anyway, Mrs. Egg is confusing high-school French class with the Metropolitan Opera and starts going into this elaborate demonstration of rolling her r's. Just then, the baby pipes up with a sound that is a little like a rolling "r" and a lot like a baby whining/cooing. Zack pretends that he made the sound, and Mrs. Egg is so impressed with his pronunciation that she has the entire class repeat after Zack as the baby makes crying noises. The class continues to repeat everything Zack says as Lisa comes in and tells him something shocking about Kelly and Zack says "Emergency! Gotta go!" and books out of the room. The entire class follows him, and Mrs. Egg does absolutely nothing.

Later in the hall, we find out what happened to Kelly, which is that she broke her arm. I would ask how someone could break their arm during a yearbook picture, but when I was in high school, I was trying to climb up on the school sign for a yearbook picture and I fell off, ripping my jeans from the knee to the waistband and getting a huge gash and bruise on my leg in the process. So I'll let that one lie, too. We don't know how exactly Kelly managed to injure herself, only that she's with the school nurse (since when is the school nurse qualified to set a broken bone?) and so someone will have to watch Baby Billy for a little longer. Did I mention that this whole time, the gang has stuffed Billy in a duffel bag? Doesn't exactly seem conducive to, you know, basic respiratory functions.

Later, Zack is cuddling with Billy in the locker room, where he decides that he could really get used to this whole parenting thing. Cue the fantasy sequence, during which we are treated to a montage of Zack with his son, which is just really funny because in the last segment, Zack's "son" is getting ready to go to college and looks old enough to be Zack's father. Anyway, Slater comes into the locker room, and Zack asks him to watch Billy during the track team pictures. Slater seems pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, and as Zack is trying to convince him, Billy suddenly starts crying. Slater and Zack try to figure out what's wrong with him, and eventually determine that he needs to be changed. They get the dirty diaper off, then get into a big fight about who gets to put the new diaper on. What, so suddenly Slater is this big child-care expert? Oh, and let's not forget that they totally neglected the whole wiping step. Anyway, during the tussle over who gets to diaper Billy, Zack and Slater end up tearing the diaper. Zack yells that that was the only diaper, like who only packs one diaper when they're taking an infant out for the entire day? What exactly is in that huge duffel bag they've been carrying around? Slater suddenly wants nothing to do with the baby again and books it out of there, so Zack uses one of Slater's T-shirts as a diaper.

Zack convinces Jessie and Lisa to take the baby with them to home ec while he goes to take the track team pictures. Lisa and Jessie protest this violently, but the reason why is unclear, since they oh-so-conveniently happen to be doing an infant-care unit in home ec and Billy blends in perfectly. Oh, except for the fact that all the other girls are just tossing their babies around with reckless abandon while Jessie, who has the real baby, is being careful. But the teacher doesn't really seem to notice because she's too busy manhandling her own baby. Anyway, Max comes in to take a yearbook photo of the home ec class (since when do classes get photos in the yearbook?), giving Screech the opportunity to take Billy out of the room to give him back to Zack. Unfortunately, he seems unable to find Billy, like how hard is it to tell a real baby from a fake one?

Apparently pretty hard, since when Screech shows up to deliver the baby to Zack, we discover that he's accidentally picked up a doll. In a panic, Zack and Screech race to find Lisa and Jessie, who say that they went back and checked the home ec room (it is at this point I notice that they're standing by what is supposedly Belding's office, only there's a sign on the door that says "Home Ec") and their teacher had already collected all the babies, and Billy is nowhere to be found. At this point, I think it might be smart to, oh, I don't know, check with the home ec teacher about Billy's whereabouts, but of course the gang does nothing of the sort. Kelly shows up and tells us how she broke her arm: in her words, "If you're on the top of a human pyramid, it's a good idea to make sure someone's on the bottom." Um, how would you even get to the top of the pyramid if there's no one on the bottom? Was she levitating or something?? Anyway, the gang has Max distract her with a photo op while they search every single locker for signs of Billy the Kid. Because if you want to find a baby, a high-school locker is the most natural place to look.

The search is cut short by the sounds of baby cooing over the P.A. The gang rushes into Belding's office (formerly the home ec room) and find him there cuddling with Billy the Kid. Somehow they manage to get the whole baby-losing thing past Kelly by convincing Belding that they had asked him to watch the baby and the only reason he doesn't remember is because he's getting old and losing his memory. Later in the hallway, Kelly thanks Zack for being so responsible with Billy and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Seeing this, Slater decides he wants a piece of the action and whines that he took care of Billy, too. Um, what exactly did he do, other than tearing up the kid's only diaper? Kelly gives him a totally undeserved kiss on the cheek, too. As for Billy the Kid, well, he spends the rest of his childhood in the SBTB Bermuda triangle.

Quote of the episode
Zack: You'd have to be a real doofus to lose a baby!
Screech: I think so, too, Zack, but you shouldn't call Jessie a doofus.

Grade
Clare: B+. I never understood why having the baby at school was so forbidden, especially since after Belding finds the baby, he has nothing to say about its presence at school. Even so, pretty good hijinks all around, and an excellent fantasy sequence featuring Zack's 40-something "son."

2003-07-01T08:01:00.000-05:00

Bring it on!

Zack walks into the Max and announces that it's time for the all-city cheerleading championships, and the front runners are, naturally, Bayside and Valley. You know what that means--holy ankle-length cheerleading skirts, Batman! Now that I think about it, didn't they try to mine the whole ankle-length cheerleading skirts gag for laughs on Family Matters, too? Anyway. More about this later.

The only reason Zack cares about the cheerleading contest is because it coincides with the annual Bayside-Valley prank war. Apparently, Valley got Bayside's goat last year, so they have to come up with something really good--and they have to strike first. Screech suggests that they flush all of Valley's toilets at one time. I can't see what purpose that would serve, unless the whole school happened to be in the gym showers at the same time or something. Anyway, just as Zack and Slater are admonishing Screech for this stupid idea, a couple of nerds who have been TP'ed together waddle through the front door wearing a sign that says "Valley Rules."

As the boys are stewing over being had by Valley, the girls walk in in an equal tizzy because one of the cheerleaders has come down with chicken pox (in high school?) and they need to find a replacement, stat. Slater suggests Jessie do it, to which she responds that she's "not some silly schoolgirl." Take out "silly" and "school," and you've just about got it. Kelly and Lisa somehow manage not to slap her into next week and even agree to let her on the squad when she grovels.

Later, at cheerleading practice, Zack, Slater and Screech show up with tales of all the pranks they've played on Valley, including stealing their totally unimpressive school banner. The guys are feeling pretty good about themselves until they walk into the hallway and see that it's been TP'ed by Valley. So far all Valley's pranking prowess amounts to is a roll of Charmin. Oh, unless you count the silly string that they've rigged to spray out of Zack, Slater and Screech's lockers. That was pretty good. We won't mention the fact that Screech and Slater seem to be going into Kelly and Jessie's lockers.

When Belding sees the sorry state of the hallway, he declares that the prank war must come to an end, even though apparently it's been going on for centuries or something. All this over a little toilet paper? Geez, lighten up, Beldo! Anyway, Belding goes to see Valley's principal and tries to call a truce. Valley's principal (whom we'll call Principal Clown, due to the totally cliche arsenal of practical jokes at his disposal) points out that Belding started the prank war oh so many years ago when he put jumping beans in the chili. But "Mad Dog" Belding is not the whimsical lad he once was and demands that the prank war come to an end. Principal Clown agrees...or so it seems.

Meanwhile at Kelly's house, Jessie is showing Kelly and Lisa her great idea for improving the cheerleading squad--what else but ankle-length cheerleading skirts?! I have to admit, the ankle-length cheerleading skirts still make me laugh. Anyway, Jessie thinks that the ankle-length skirts will help the judges focus on their words rather than their bodies. First of all, their uniforms--which have a polo-shirt top--are already more chaste than most midriff-baring cheerleading ensembles I've seen. Second of all, since when does Jessie get to make decisions for the cheerleading squad? Didn't she just join the squad yesterday? Anyway, she's also written a prim and proper cheer to go along with the ankle-length skirts. Kelly and Lisa rightly nip that one in the bud, but apparently Jessie's also written a cheer that, while "dangerous for the mascot," appears to be normal. Again, who died and made her head cheerleader?

Back to the prank war. Zack and Slater have decided that the best way to get Valley back is to steal their bulldog mascot, which they bring to cheerleading practice the next day. I would wonder why they brought stolen goods to cheerleading practice again when they knew all it would do is incur the wrath of Jessie, but this time they actually have a point, which is to take a picture of the cheerleaders with Valley's mascot. Unfortunately, Belding shows up at precisely the wrong moment, so the gang shuffles around so that Belding is in the back of the picture and the bulldog is in the front, presumably so Belding won't see the bulldog. Um, couldn't he just look down? I would have done it the other way around.

After practice, Screech heads for the locker room, where he runs into two guys in Bayside jackets. Screech doesn't seem suspicious that these guys are just hanging out in the locker room in their letter jackets, so he immediately spills all the details of the cheer to them, only to have them take of the jackets and reveal they're really from Valley! Ruh-roh!

With Screech missing, the girls convince Zack and Slater they have to go to Belding and tell him the truth. "Mad Dog" puts in another call to Principal Clown, who actually agrees to stop the prank war this time...right before going to buy his wife some exploding flowers. God, I feel sorry for whoever married him. Anyway, Valley's pranksters, Stand and Dan, note that Principal Clown only said "Take the tiger back to Bayside," so Zack and Slater end up trading the bulldog back for Dan in the mascot costume. However, they're tipped off 30 seconds later by Screech (nice job of keeping him detained, Stan 'n Dan) and formulate a plan to get their ultimate revenge...

...Which would be pouring ants into the mascot's costume. It's amazing how many problems on this show can be solved with ants. These particular ants cause Dan to start performing incredible gymnastic feats. You know, I've never had a jar of ants dumped down my pants, but I'm guessing that's not the way I'd react. Fortunately for Bayside, the combination of Jessie's cheer and Dan's gymnastic reaction to the ants wins them the cheerleading championship. T-I-G-E-R-S! Go Bayside!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"We are the ladies of Bayside, the finest school around
We don't need to win because our minds are sound. Rah!"
--Jessie's cheer

Grade
Clare: B. The cheerleading-competition episode is a classic sitcom device, and this particular episode is made all the funnier by the presence of ankle-length cheerleading skirts. However, I subtract major points for Principal Clown. I can't decide which is worse--his totally unfunny jokes or the way he laughs maniacally at them.

2003-06-26T12:28:00.000-05:00

Baby you can drive my glorified golf cart

Zack slides down the bannister in the main hallway and tells us he's in a great mood because driver's ed is starting today, and that means he's one step closer to getting his license...which means he's one step closer to getting to go parking. Right on cue, Kelly walks up, looking ravishing in an orange t-shirt that is four sizes too big and belted at the waist. Who wouldn't want to go parking with that?

Zack walks up to Kelly's locker and gives her a ring that he bought her. Immediately Kelly starts freaking out, like calm down, sweetie, he's not proposing here. Zack says it doesn't necessarily mean they're going steady, which is a good thing because no one's used that phrase since the 1950s. He says it's just a friendship ring, and then he tells Kelly that "friendship is the boat that happy people sail on." She says he sounds like a Hallmark card. Yeah, I was going to say something else, but OK.

In driver's ed, Mr. Tuttle is quizzing the class (aka the gang and two other extras) on the finer points of driving, such as "Why do you put your hand out the window?" Lisa says it's to dry your nails. I think that's a pretty good answer, along with "to prove that that story your parents used to tell you when you were little about some guy getting his arm whacked off by a wayward tree branch is complete and total crap." But no, the correct answer is "to make a left-hand turn." Oh, come on. Why are they even teaching hand signals? Unless you're driving a Model T or something, there's a pretty good chance your car is going to have a turn indicator. Plus, most idiots out there don't even use theirs.

Moving on. Zack and Kelly walk into the Max, where they immediately get hit on by several members of the opposite sex. Um, right. Who would hit on someone who just walked in with another guy/girl? And since when did the Max become such a pickup scene? Anyway, the gang starts chiding Zack for not taking driver's ed seriously. He doesn't see what the big deal is; it's not like any of them can afford a car anyway. Good point, Zack. Right on cue, Slater walks in and says he just bought a car. With what? Loose change he found in his couch? Because last time I checked, he didn't have any means of income. Zack does a spit take. So do I.

Everyone heads to Slater's garage (which looks a lot like Zack's garage...and the garage on California Dreams) to check out his new wheels. Needless to say, it's a bit of a lemon. Jessie tactfully points out that it has a license-plate holder, and right on cue, the license-plate holder falls off. Man, is everyone hitting their cues today or what? Slater says it just needs to be cleaned. After a tinkling sound to indicate the passage of time, we see the group sitting on a brand spanking new car. Why it could be Grease Lightning! Only there's no singing. And, um, in Grease, it was a fantasy sequence and the car did not actually transform from lemon to hot rod in a matter of seconds. But here, it did.

Naturally, Zack is concerned that this hot car will drive Kelly straight to Slater, and they'll go to the drive-in movie, where Kelly will give him kisses on the cheek to which he responds with a much-too-orgasmic "Oh, yeah!" while Zack glares at them jealously from the bike he is sharing with Screech. Seems like a valid fear. Zack uses his time-stopping powers to let us know that he's going to make Slater fail driver's ed.

That day in class, it's time for some actual driving. Or, it's time to drive a modified golf cart around some cones in a classroom, which I don't consider driving at all. Slater volunteers to go first, but Zack has already put his plan in action by telling Mr. Tuttle what a show-off Slater is, so Mr. Tuttle lets Screech go first. However, Screech takes too long with his pre-driving preparations (including adjusting his leather driving gloves), so Mr. Tuttle lets Slater get in the car, but not before making the course a little tougher for him by moving one of the cones. Ooooooh! Unsurprisingly, Slater is able to navigate the golf cart successfuly through the cone maze, and Mr. Tuttle is so impressed that he offers to let Slater be his teaching assistant next semester. Ruh-roh! Time for Plan B!

Zack somehow convinces Slater to tutor him in driver's ed and to bring the "car" into the hallway so they'll have more room to maneuver. Meanwhile, Screech, posing as Mr. Tuttle, is stalling Belding until Zack has a chance to properly frame Slater. A foolproof plan, until Kelly shows up on her way to volleyball practice and Slater offers to drive her there. Zack starts yelling after them, which causes Slater to wreck the car and topple some lockers outside Belding's office right onto Kelly's head. About 30 seconds after the crash, Belding pipes up with his trademark, "Hey hey hey hey, what is going on here?" Nice delayed reaction there, Richie! By the time he gets out in the hallway to investigate, Zack, Slater and Kelly are gone.

The next day, Belding announces on the P.A. that whoever wrecked the car has until noon tomorrow to turn themselves in. He tries to be menacing by coming out of his office, but unfortunately, the P.A. cord won't reach that far. After Belding's gone, Kelly tells Jessie and Lisa that it was her fault the car was wrecked, since Zack's jealousy distracted Slater. How that even remotely makes it her fault is beyond me. Martyr complex, anyone? Zack shows up and apologizes to Kelly, saying the whole thing was his fault. Kelly points out that Slater's the one who wrecked the car. Zack thinks that's a good point and books it out of there before anyone can find out otherwise.

Of course, then Screech shows up and lets the cat out of the bag with one menacing look from Slater. And now it's time for...getting Zack back! The gang sets up their revenge scheme at the Max, where Jessie and Lisa mention to Zack that Kelly has a headache. Slater helpfully adds, "Yeah, the kind you get when you hit your head in a car accident." Smooth. Kelly walks in and pretends not to know Zack. Screech asks if she remembers him, and she says, "Yeah, you're Tom Cruise, the coolest guy in school." I really hope Tom Cruise is getting some sort of remuneration for every use of his name on the show, because they sure do use it a lot. And Gorbachev. He could make a freaking million off of this show! Anyway, it's not until Kelly "mistakes" Slater for her boyfriend that Zack finally comes clean.

However, there's still the problem with Belding. Zack thinks that if no one confesses, Belding won't punish anyone. However, Belding's gotten tougher in his old age, and when no one confesses, he threatens to punish everyone by cancelling driver's ed. Kelly can't let that happen, so she takes the rap, but she does so in a way that makes her martyr complex all the more evident. Belding knows she's lying and calls her on it, prompting Slater to confess. When Belding questions him, he says, "I was in the seat; I'll take the heat." Dude, there's no need to rhyme. See, this is why I don't like Slater. That, and the fact that he wears pleated, acid-washed jeans.

Just as Belding is about to cart Slater away, Zack's conscience gets the best of him and he fesses up to the whole thing. Before Belding marches Zack to his office, Kelly asks Zack if she can have his ring back, although he hasn't really offered much of an apology. See? Martyr complex.

Quote of the episode
"Get Zack Morris to confess? You'd have an easier time trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head." -Lisa

Grade
Clare: B. The only real star of this episode, as far as I'm concerned, is the glorified-golf-cart driver's ed car. Plus, I've never been a big fan of Mr. Tuttle. I've always considered myself more of a Mr. Dewey girl.

2003-06-24T08:09:00.000-05:00

Mona lala: Hawaiian for "that would never actually happen in real life"

Zack is at the Max in a track suit, talking about feats of athletic greatness by referencing a bunch of early-90s sports icons that are all but lost on me. The point of all this is that Zack has just won third place at the all-city cross country meet against Valley. Although you'd never know it because he's carrying a red ribbon. Um, hello, red is second, yellow is third. What universe are you people from? Oh, right, it's Bayside, where nothing works like it actually does in the real world. This slipup is relatively minor compared to what's to come later in the episode.

Anyway, Screech and the girls crowd around to admire Zack's ribbon. Just as he's regaling them with tales of his athletic prowess, Slater comes in clutching a huge wrestling trophy that is actually more representative of the type of awards given out at high-school athletic championships. Immediately, the girls start fawning over Slater. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that Kelly and Lisa are cheerleaders, so why weren't they at the cross country meet and/or wrestling match cheering for Zack and Slater? I mean, come on, they freaking cheered for Screech's chess match!

Later in the hallway, Mr. Belding is putting the trophy in a trophy case that has mysteriously materialized the spot where some lockers and his office door used to be. The other 12 students are crowded around to watch this production. Kelly, in her best sex-kitten voice, asks Slater if he'll teach her how to wrestle. What a whore! Slater then leaves, and a gaggle of girls runs screaming after him as if he's the spawn of Elvis.

Zack and Screech, heading the opposite way from the screaming throng, happen to run into Slater's dad in the hallway. They give him faulty directions to Belding's office so they'll have a chance to stake it out and find out why Slater's dad is at school. How exactly they plan to get into Belding's office without him noticing is beyond me, since I assume that's where he went after the trophy presentation. Unless he was in the shrieking mass following Slater around.

In Belding's office, Major Slater is telling Mr. Belding that the army wants to send him to Hawaii. As he's relating this, Screech's head pops out of the top drawer of the filing cabinet right in Belding's line of vision. Now I'm not always the most perceptive person in the world, but I'd like to think I'd notice if a head was sticking out of my filing cabinet. Not to mention the utter impossibility of Screech being able to fit in the file cabinet in the first place. Whatever.

Slater comes into the office, and Major Dad tells him about the Hawaii assignment. Slater doesn't want to go because of all the good friends he's made at Bayside. Plus, now that his friends killed his chameleon Artie, he doesn't have a pal to take from school to school. Anyway, Major Dad tells Slater that the decision is up to him, but he only has four days to decide because Major Dad has to let his commanding officer know. Whoa. Let's back the cart up for a minute here! Since when does the U.S. Army leave the assignment of its officers up to a high school kid?? I don't think so.

Screech reports the news back to Zack, who comes up with an extremely convoluted plan to get Slater to go to Hawaii by telling everyone that he's dying and the only treatment available is in Hawaii but that Slater is too proud to get the treatment and/or mention the disease to his friends, so they all should pretend like they don't like him so he'll go and get the treatment. OK, there HAD to be an easier way to get Slater to Hawaii than that. You're slipping, Morris!

Anyway, it doesn't matter because they all buy it, and the girls burst into tears whenever Slater says anything. Surprisingly, Slater does not think this strange. Zack even goes so far as to make up symptoms for this mystery disease such as sneezing and itching, which he somehow causes Slater to do by a) putting pepper on his own hand and then putting said hand close to Slater's face and b) pouring ants on the back of Slater's shirt, none of which even make it inside his actual shirt.

Finally, Slater figures out what's going on when Kelly declares that she's going to Hawaii with him. Oh yeah, I'm sure her parents would allow that, seeing as she's her family's only means of financial support. Anyway, once Slater catches on to Zack's scheme, he hatches a revenge plan with Major Dad that involves a large American flag and a small patch of gauze on Major Dad's forehead. Come on guys! If you're going to do it, do it right. At least go for the full bandage wrapped around the head and maybe a patch of fake blood.

Still, Major Dad manages to scare the bejeesus out of Zack by ordering him to do push-ups and screaming that "the Russians are invading Burbank," like wasn't the Cold War already over at this point in time? Also, he pulls the pin and releases the clip on what he claims is a live grenade. First of all, is Major Dad really going to set off a live grenade in his own home? Second of all, is he really just going to stand there holding it after he releases the clip? Zack doesn't take the time to ponder these questions and books it right out of there.

Later, we find Slater at the Max, which has been elaborately decorated in a Hawaiian theme. Kelly, Jessie and Lisa hula for us a little before introducing the "Pineapple Princess," aka Screech in a pineapple bra with a Carmen Miranda headdress. I'd just like to say for the record that if anyone ever throws me a going-away party, I'd like it to include Dustin Diamond in a pineapple bra. Anyway, Slater finally breaks it to the gang that he's not actually leaving. It seems to me a bit rude to let your friends go ahead and go to the trouble of throwing you a party when you know well in advance that you're not actually leaving. Zack shows up, and he and Slater exchange apologies for their respective pranks, and Slater tosses him another "live" grenade. Oh, how I do love grenade humor!!

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Young man, this is study hall, not Soul Train!" --random study hall teacher, when Slater starts gyrating due to the ants Zack poured on him

Grade
Clare: B. Although I enjoy a good Zack Morris come-uppance as much as the next person, I've never been a fan of Slater-centric episodes. And--dare I say it--this episode had one too many implausibilities. I guess you really can have too much of a good thing.

2003-05-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

Jessie's about to lose control and I think I like it!

We open at the Max, where Jessie is downing coffee at an alarming rate. This can mean only one thing: it's the best episode of all time, the episode where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills!!!!! I'll try to contain my excitement.

Anyway, Zack and Screech join her as she complains about the taste of coffee and then orders a refill. Screech points out the discrepancy here, and Jessie says that she needs the coffee to stay awake so she can study for her geometry midterm. Slater joins them and tells Jessie that all her problems would be solved had she only been born a man, since men are naturally better at math. Oh, Slater. If you only knew.

Lisa and Kelly come in, put "I'm So Excited" on the jukebox and convince Jessie to sing along with them. Since when did the Max turn into a karaoke bar? Anyway, after they finish their spontaneous musical number, Zack tells them that his dad has a friend who just happens to be looking for a girl version of New Kids on the Block. Aren't we all? Kelly, Lisa and Jessie turn him down, saying that they just like to sing for fun in the locker room, which makes no sense because they just finished singing in a place that is clearly not a locker room.

Of course, the boundaries of privacy and general human decency have never stopped Zack before in his quest to pimp his girl friends in every manner possible, so he sends Screech, dressed as a janitor (an Irish janitor named Sinead O'Connor at that), into the girls' locker room to record them singing. Jessie is still freaking out about the C she got earlier that day on a geometry quiz and how if she doesn't do well on the midterm, her life will be ruined, etc., etc. The girls (along with the help of "Sinead O'Connor") convince her that the best way to de-stress is with another round of "I'm So Excited." Well, I know that's what I always do to relieve stress.

Later that night, Slater and Jessie are studying at her house when Zack climbs through the window to tell her that the record producer loved their demo tape. Jessie begins her usual diatribe of "How dare you violate our privacy" until Zack uses the tried-and-true method of appealing to her vanity to shut her up. He tells her that the record producer liked her best, but she shouldn't tell Lisa or Kelly because they'll get jealous. It's clear that her drug abuse has already begun because a non-drugged person never would have fallen for that load of crap.

Anyway, Jessie wants to get back to studying, but Slater points out that they've been studying for four hours. That's about the same amount of time I've spent studying geometry in my entire life. At some point you have to realize that you're just not going to learn any more and give up. Or, if you're Jessie, you can just pop some more caffeine pills. Slater points out to her that even though the pills are over-the-counter, the warning label says they "may be habit-forming." Ooh, scary! Jessie totally lies and says she'll stop taking them, then gives Slater a "woooo"-worthy good-night kiss. These pills are making her crazy!!!

Speaking of crazy...the next day, Jessie is sitting with Mr. Belding as he eats lunch at the Max. What the hell? Who eats lunch with just their principal? Or rather, who sits and watches their principal eat lunch? She has totally lost it. She tells Mr. B. how much she wants to go to Stanford, managing to say "Stanford" about 12 times in two sentences. OK, we get it, Chelsea Clinton. God, her drug use has really gotten out of hand. It's even causing her to have hallucinations that her bad grades will land her at Surf University with Zack, where she'll be utterly disappointed that there's no learning. If I were her, I'd be more disappointed that Surf University is located nowhere near the ocean, but rather in a small classroom back at Bayside.

Later, the girls out in the hallway, where Jessie is still studying for the test. If she gets this way over the midterm, I'd hate to see her at finals. What kind of drugs would she resort to then--speed? Crack cocaine? Anyway, Zack tells them that there are three other girl groups in the running for the ultimate honor of becoming the girl New Kids on the Block, one of which is named The Zit Hit Machine. Now there's a great name for a band! You know what's an even better name for a band? Hot Sundae! Not Hot Fudge Sundae, just Hot Sundae. Yeah, I'm sure we'll see that in lights someday. Zack tells the girls that they're going to beat out the others by making a music video. Was that necessary? Does it really take that much to beat The Zit Hit Machine?

And...cue the music video! The girls run around some random gym with a huge window and exposed brick wearing different variations of neon-colored gym wear and singing "Get Down and Go For It." It's a wonder MTV hasn't voted this the second best video of all time in one of its countdowns, right behind "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

The day before the test, Jessie and Slater are in the hallway where Jessie is (you guessed it) still studying for the test. Seriously, wouldn't it just be easier to cheat at this point? Slater asks to borrow a pen, but when he goes to get it, he finds the caffeine pills in Jessie's backpack. After arguing over the relative dangers of caffeine pills vs. geometry (both of which I'd say were pretty low, but no one asked me), Jessie storms off, presumably to down more caffeine pills and talk maniacally about going to Stanford in between insanely long intervals of studying.

The next day in geometry class, Jessie seems to have moved on from caffeine pills to the hard stuff. How else do you explain her overly enthusiastic recitation of the Pythagorean theorem? I highly doubt there's any drug in the world that could make me that excited about the Pythagorean theorem. Jessie is the first to finish her test and starts yelling to Mr. Dewey about how she aced it. Way to be considerate of the other test-takers, druggie.

After the test, Slater stops Zack in the hallway to tell him about Jessie's drug problem. Zack refuses to believe it on the grounds that Jessie's his friend. Well, that is an infalliable excuse right there. I mean, isn't Slater Jessie's boyfriend? Does Zack think that Slater is getting his kicks by telling people his girlfriend is addicted to caffeine pills? Zack is probably her dealer or something.

Later at the Max, either the haven't worn off yet or she's taken more of them because Jessie is carrying on with her crazy loud-talking ways at the girls' practice. Either that, or she really is genuinely excited about singing with Hot Sundae for the record execs. Seriously, though, how could someone be that excited about being part of a girl group that calls itself Hot Sundae? They'd be better off if they were named Pythagorean Theorem.

Jessie finally comes down from her high, and she's passed out on her bed when Zack comes to get her for the big performance. She's disoriented when Zack wakes her up and remembers nothing about the performance or the fact that she's already taken her midterm. I guess we're supposed to assume that this memory loss is a result of her drug overdose and not of her having just woken up. She immediately goes for the pills, but Zack wrestles them out of her hand. Then she starts singing and screaming and crying and just generally overacting all at once until Zack manages to calm her down with some story about how they snuck out to see E.T. when they were little. Why did they have to sneak out? What kind of overbearing parents wouldn't let their kids see E.T.?? I think we're getting to the root of the problem right here.

Meanwhile at the Max, the gang has recruited Screech to take Jessie's place in Hot Sundae. Why didn't they just make like TLC and do it without Jessie? I'm sure the record execs couldn't tell which fake voice was supposed to go with which girl. I never can.

Later, the gang gathers at Jessie's to talk about her crippling addiction. She tells them that her mom is taking her to the doctor for counseling. Good Lord, she took caffeine pills for two days! Does it really warrant counseling? Then again, maybe the counseling will be a good thing, as it could help her finally admit the truth about her transsexual past to her friends.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Slater: "Jessie, these pills are dangerous!"
Jessie: "Yeah, well so's geometry!"

Grade
Clare: A+. This episode has it all: drama, romance, humor and plenty of musical numbers. Not to mention Mr. Dewey with an American Gladiators reference, Screech in drag and Elizabeth Berkley's trademark overacting. What more could you want??

Bri: A+. Here's the message that I'm sending to you--you can do what you want to do. And what I want to do is LOVE THIS EPISODE!! I concur wholeheartedly. I love the lip synching, the totally awesome workout clothes, and Screech's emmy worthy performance as one Sinead O'Connor and as an integral ingredient in Hot Sundae. This episode is the best episode of all time, hands down.

2003-05-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

You better work, cover girl!

Kelly is at her job at the school store. What, so she has to work here and at the Max? Doesn't anyone else in her humongous family work? Oh, that's right--world peace broke out and her father got laid off, so it's up to Kelly to provide for the Kapowski clan by hawking shell clocks and framed pictures of Mr. Rogers.

The gang comes by to visit Kelly and invite her for lunch at the Max, but she can't go because she has to work at this job now. Before they head off to lunch, the gang pauses to browse through some of the fine school store merchandise, such as the shipment of fluorescent pocket protectors that has just arrived! Zack laments the sorry condition of the store and, naturally, decides it's up to him to turn it around.

He takes his case to Mr. Belding and offers a pretty convincing sales pitch by way of a blank notebook, i.e. last year's sales figures. Uh-huh. But it doesn't take much to convince Belding, so he's sold!

Zack goes about de-nerding the school store, stocking it with a bunch of brightly colored Bayside athletic wear and a couple neon backpacks. Apparently in the aesthetic of the early '90s, this is much better. However, the stench of nerd still lingers, and the gang is having a hard time convincing their fellow 12 students to shop at the store. But Kelly, Jessie and Lisa don't care because they're late for swim practice. Good Lord, I'm beginning to think there must be 5 identical Kelly Kapowski clones, because how else could she participate in all these jobs and extra-curricular activities? Then again, since neither the school store nor the swim team are ever mentioned again, maybe there is just one of her and she has ADD. At any rate, Screech is also late for photography club. Hmm...girls in bathing suits...photography...we're witnessing a Zack Morris idea in the making here, people!

Screech, half-dressed in scuba gear, flops up to Zack in the hallway and says he was able to take pictures of the girls without their knowledge. Zack plans to use the pictures for a Girls of Bayside calendar. I'm sure the girls will never find out about this calendar, which is being sold at the school store where they now work and/or hang out all the time. Good thinking, Zack!

The next day, the girls are excited to see so many customers in the school store, although they do think it's strange that they're all guys. And as the sea of males parts, they see why: Zack has made cardboard cutouts of Kelly, Jessie and Lisa to promote the calendars. I can only imagine that Zack must get some kind of discount at the cardboard-cutout store, given the frequency with which he produces these things. At any rate, the girls are outraged. I say if you stand by the side of the pool and strike model-esque poses after swim practice, you get what you ask for. Because that's obviously what's happened here.

The girls lodge a complaint with Mr. Belding (aka Miss December), but before he can take any action against Zack, in walks photographer/teen model scout Adam Trask. Funny how fake famous people always seem to be turning up at exactly the right moment, isn't it? They should really rename this show Saved by the Fake Famous Person. Anyway, Trask tells them that he wants to use three of the girls from the calendar for a photo shoot in Teen Fashion magazine. The girls allow Zack to keep exploiting them via the calendars as long as he'll tell Trask that they're the ones he should use for the photo shoot. Why a fashion photographer should respect the opinion of Zack Morris is beyond me, but he does.

Cut to the hallway, where the fashion shoot is going on. Jessie comes down the stairs in full sexy-librarian mode, complete with the glasses-off, hair-down move. She's one stripper's pole away from Showgirls right here. Kelly and Lisa are a bit more wholesome. Some guy points a big fan at them. It's all very glamorous. They do the same thing at the Max and the school store. Trask is yelling, "You're a lemur! You're a lemur!" No, actually he's yelling things that are meant to be serious, but all I can think of is Austin Powers.

Sometime in the near future, the girls are at the Max, waiting for some big news from Trask. I guess we're supposed to believe that this is the next day, but it can't be because the magazine with their pictures in it is already out. I suppose in the land of SBTB, a magazine can go from conception to completion in a matter of about two days. Anyway, Trask's big announcement is that one of the girls gets to be Teen Fashion's next cover model and shoot in Paris...and that girl is Kelly! Everyone, being the good friends they are, gets totally bent out of shape about this--Lisa and Jessie because they weren't chosen, and Zack because he's the jealous paranoid boyfriend type.

Yes, Zack is afraid that Kelly will run off to Paris and fall prey to the charms of a cute waiter named Jean-Luc, and all she'll want to do when she gets home is drink General Foods International Coffee and reminisce about her French beau. Naturally he must put a stop to this, so he goes around convincing Kelly and the rest of the gang that things will fall apart at Bayside without her. Considering that she pretty much participates in every extra-curricular activity and works every available job, that's probably not far from the truth.

In the end, Trask points out to Zack what a jerk he's being for screwing Kelly out of an opportunity that could ensure she doesn't have to work 17 after-school jobs to support her destitute family. Zack apologizes to Kelly, but she doesn't really care because she's already decided to go anyway--but not without a little kissing and "wooo"ing first. Zack anticipated that Kelly would double-cross him and had the gang waiting outside with a cake, balloons and confetti for a bon voyage party. Of course, we're not actually saying bon voyage to Kelly, but rather to her career as a fashion model, which has just set sail for the lovely SBTB Bermuda triangle.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Trask: "And the best part is...the theme of the issue is American Girls in Paris!"
Screech: "Whoa...Paris, Texas! The big time!"

Grade
Clare: A-. Another classic episode. And one that makes you wonder--with all those cardboard cutouts of Kelly that Zack has, will he really miss her if she spends a month in France?

2003-05-22T08:39:00.000-05:00

Clear skin! Beat Valley!

It's homecoming time at Bayside, and you know what that means: a) Kelly is freaking out about whether she's going to be crowned homecoming queen, much to the annoyance of her friends and the viewing audience at large, and b) Jessie and Lisa have set up shop in the hallway to sell Bayside paraphernalia. Apparently the no-selling-stuff-in-the-hallway rule only applies to Zack.

In chemistry class, Screech proudly shows Zack and Lisa his first zit, which he's named Murray. I personally think Eugene is a better zit name, but whatever. A random mean chemistry teacher tells them they have to get their experiment done right away. Hello, didn't class just start? That seems a little unreasonable. Screech adds a "dash" of something out of a brown bottle to his beaker. Hmm, I haven't had a chemistry class in awhile, but don't those measurements need to be exact? And shouldn't you know what it is you're measuring? Unsurprisingly, Screech's experiment explodes all over his face.

Later that day, Screech is freaking out because Murray has disappeared...in a matter of two hours. It doesn't take Zack long to realize that he's sitting on a goldmine! He and Screech recruit "Craterface" Coburn for a field test. That was pretty dumb, considering that their test subject's face was clear to begin with, despite the producers' attempts to convince us otherwise by giving him the nickname "Craterface." OK, so perhaps they managed to fool a few people, but they're the same people who believe Rebecca Gayheart got clear skin by using Noxema.

Meanwhile, Kelly seems to think she has a zit smack dab on the end of her nose, but I don't really see anything. At any rate, she's freaking out because the homecoming rally is the very next day, and you know they would never pick a homecoming queen who has a pimple because it is totally abnormal for teenagers to have blemishes. Lisa and Jessie try to comfort her, but I have no idea what they're saying because I'm too distracted by the huge black-and-white poster of George Michael on Kelly's wall. Maybe that's also the reason why I can't see Kelly's zit. Or maybe it's because it doesn't actually exist. Anyway, Kelly's endless stream of annoying and pointless worrying segues us into a fantasy sequence in which she's riding down the hallways of Bayside on an office chair or something wearing a huge red glittery clown nose. Hey, it could have been worse. She could have had to wear a plain foam clown nose. At least this one matches her dress.

Zack has set up shop in the hallway yet again, this time to market his zit cream. And this time, he's recycled a hat from election day to give him that old-timey salesman feel--I guess. I couldn't think of any other purpose the hat would be serving because it's certainly not covering up his over-moussed hair. Once Zack makes his sales pitch and shows everyone how his miracle cream has cleared up "Craterface"'s already-clear skin, the other clear-skinned students of Bayside line up to buy it.

But just as soon as Zack and "Craterface" are raking in the dough, Belding busts up their operation, citing the Zack-can't-sell-stuff-in-the-hallway rule. Belding demands that Zack cease and desist all sales of Zit Off...until Zack promises to name the zit cream "Beldasil," after Mr. Belding. Well, I can see the allure there.

Meanwhile, Screech has discovered an unfortunate side effect of the cream--it turns your face maroon. Oh no! Kelly has rubbed the cream all over her face in an attempt to clear up the nonexistent zit on her nose! And the homecoming rally is in 24 hours! Her lifelong dream of becoming homecoming queen has been dashed! Whatever will Zack do to right this horrible wrong?

For starters, he makes Screech hide in the mascot's costume while he takes about a day to figure out a solution to this taxing problem. Finally it dawns on him: Since Bayside's school color is maroon, he'll just convince everyone that Kelly's maroon face is a sign of her school spirit. Wow, how fortunate was that? It's a good thing their school color wasn't blue or something. Kelly, wearing a clingy orange dress and cowboy boots (seriously, couldn't she have chosen something that didn't clash quite so badly with her maroon face?) is crowned homecoming queen, and she, Jessie and Lisa break out into another one of those spontaneous Bayside raps that we all know and love.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: "A blemish cream that actually works--kids would pay a fortune for it!"
Screech: "And adults, too. It would do wonders for Gorbachev!"
Zack: "Yeah...it's like acne glasnost!"

Grade
Clare: A-. Kelly's constant whining is majorly annoying, but all in all, this episode is a classic, featuring the best-named auxilliary character ever (Muffin Sangria) and the "Beat-b-beat-bbb-beat!" rap/cheer. Besides, what other show would devote an entire episode to the subject of acne?

2003-05-20T07:59:00.000-05:00

Read my lips: Jessie's a man

It's time for student-body elections, as we can tell from the plethora of "Jessie for President" posters plastered all over the halls of Bayside. In fact, there's even one covering part of someone else's poster, but the part of the poster that we can see says "Don't be Tasty." (I think. It was early.) I really want to know what the rest of that poster says! Damn you, Spano!

Just in case we missed the fact that it's time for elections, Zack fills us in. Apparently, though, the only "student body" he's interested in is Kelly's. No wonder, when it's housed in an oversized pink shirt with bows all over it. He asks Jessie why she cares so much about the elections, and she says that her mom protested stuff in the 60s and really made a difference. Or she just smoked a lot of pot. Whatever. Zack suggests that Jessie make a difference by donating her jeans to Goodwill. I think that's not such a bad idea, since Jessie's jeans are not only acid-washed, but so high-waisted that the waist actually sticks up about four inches OVER the belt.

The bell rings, and the students go to class--except for Zack, that is. He has to be around so he can overhear Mr. Belding tell Mr. Dewey that the winner of the student body elections gets to go on a trip to Washington D.C. with them. Suddenly, Zack is all about the elections, if it means that the winner gets a week off from school! Call me crazy, but I fail to see how a trip to D.C. with your math teacher and your principal would be any better than spending the week at school. At least you'd get to hang out with your friends at school.

In Mr. Dewey's class, he's going over the candidates for student body elections. So far Jessie is the only one, so Mr. Dewey begs someone to run against her. None of her friends are willing to run against her...except for Zack, of course, who will stop at nothing to go on an overnight vacation with Mr. Belding and Mr. Dewey!

The candidates are giving their campaign speeches at the Max. Jessie wants to uphold the school's constitution. Dude, their school actually has a constitution? Anyway, Zack could care less about it. He's for free pizza on Fridays. Or something like that. I can't really remember. But in the final analysis, don't all student-body elections on TV come down to free pizza?

Max is supporting both teams, wearing aprons that say "I Back Zack" and "Spano Is My Man-O." See? SEE? I told you so! Lisa decides that she wants to be Jessie's campaign manager because apparently she doesn't know about the free-pizza-always-wins rule. Jessie at first acts all bitchy, like they're not even friends, until Lisa convinces some random airheads to vote for Jessie by saying, "Hey, are you going to vote for Jessie?" Totally impressed with Lisa's skills, Jessie agrees to let her on board.

Meanwhile, Slater suspects something is amiss with Zack's sudden zest for politics, and holds Screech up to a locker to get the truth. Once Slater discovers Zack's intentions, he goes off to confront Mr. Belding...in the locker room. Because that's always the first place I would look for a principal. But Mr. Belding is actually there, pumping iron. He and Slater are both wearing muscle T's that say "Bayside Junior High" (uh...what?), only Belding's is about four sizes too small, so we get treated to a view of Dennis Haskins' hairy potbelly. Not exactly what I want to see first thing in the morning. Anyway, after trading some witty banter about their workout routines, Slater lets it slip that Zack knows about the Washington trip.

Back in Mr. Dewey's class, Zack is screening his campaign video, which draws similarities between him and our founding fathers. (They all came into the world as babies, etc.) It also features some pro-Zack testimonials from Gorbachev and Castro, because when it comes to democracy, you definitely want leaders of communist and former communist countries on your side. Unfortunately for Zack, Mr. Belding catches him after class to tell him that the Washington trip is off, but they can still look forward to lots of after-school and weekend meetings together. Again, I fail to see a big difference here.

Zack immediately sets out on a campaign to destroy his campaign, donning some Alex Keaton-esque Young Republican duds and saying he wants to extend the school day to 12 hours. Jessie, meanwhile, has been convinced by the rest of the gang to do a 180 herself, and she shows up for the final debate wearing a ruffly pink outfit and talking like a Valley Girl. The result? The vote is pretty much split between Zack and Jessie, with a few of the votes (including Kelly's) going to Gilligan. In the end, though, Zack wins by one vote. And guess what? The trip to Washington isn't off after all! That was just one of Mr. Belding's crazy tricks to teach Zack a lesson! So now Zack gets to live out his lifelong dream of spending a week in our nation's capital with his principal and his math teacher!

Except it's about that time in every episode when Zack's conscience rears its ugly head. This time it happens when he climbs in Jessie's bedroom window (because teenagers on TV don't have rooms with actual doors, you know) and finds her crying over the election. Either that, or she's run out of caffeine pills. Wisely, Zack decides that it would be easier to adbicate his throne than to try and deal with all of her issues, thus saving Man-o Spano a few expensive sessions in therapy...for now, at least.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Mr. Dewey: "We're now going to watch a campaign video from Zack. Does anyone have any objections?"
Lisa: "I object on behalf of my candidate, Jessica Myrtle Spano!"
Zack: "Myrtle? That's what I call my turtle!"
Lisa: "We should both be given equal time."
Mr. Dewey: "You'll have a chance to tell us about your turtle later."

Grade
Clare: B+. Any episode with Mr. Dewey is great, as is one that provides further proof of Jessie's sex change. And Zack's campaign video is early-90s fabulous.

2003-05-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

“Oh give me a school, with a big swimming pool, and LI-brary crammed full of books”

The gang is at the Max, discussing their senior class gift. Since last year’s class got the school one VCR, Zack, Tori, Lisa, Slater, and Screech are really thinking hard, because it will take nothing short of a miracle to top that gift. Everyone is also giving Zack a hard time about being such a prankster, and this actually hurts his feelings. Poor Zack.

Now everyone is either in music class or glee club practice. At Bayside, not only did the Glee Club actually exist (and they still referred to it as Glee Club instead of Choir), it was the cool thing to do, as Slater, Zack, Lisa, AND Tori were members. So, this song is being sung, and someone makes the observation that this song is totally old-fashioned. So old fashioned, in fact, that the senior gift should be a new school song.

At the senior gift committee meeting in Mr. B’s office, the idea of a new song is brought up, and everyone loves it. Everyone, including Mr. Belding, files out of the principal’s office, leaving Zack in there. No one seems to be concerned that Zack is left alone in Mr. B’s office, but whatever.

Because the SBTB gang is talented in every way, they are somehow put in charge of working on the song. They are jamming on the piano to Slater and Lisa’s song snippets, until Zack casts a spell over everyone, allowing him to feed them words to wreck the practice. Slater is ticked off at Lisa, who is ticked off at Slater. Tori can’t stand the working conditions. Screech also is angered, leaving Zack alone to write the song all by himself—all part of his master plan to be remembered as Zack Morris, all around great guy.

Later on, in the hallway, no one is at class. People are just milling around, and various seniors are practicing their renditions of the new Bayside High song. Screech is pecking out “Home on the Range” on his glockenspiel. Lisa is playing her guitar, singing the letters that spell out Bayside. Louise, the quintessential 50’s nerd girl, is playing the accordion. Random nerd (possibly Sylvester) comes through as a one man band, complete with cymbals on his knees. Mr. Belding comes out of his office to see what the ruckus is, and gives us his trademark “Hey, hey, hey, hey, WHAT is going on here???”

Zack proposes a solution to the problem of all of these possible songs—a contest. Everyone seems pleased with that idea. Tori and Slater sing their song over the PA, but because Zack has sabotaged the piano, they suck and quit halfway through their song. Screech plays his song “Home at our School”. We see some random jocks grooving to this song. Then Zack wows us all with his electrifying “Cool School”!! Rockin’! When the votes are tallied, Zack and Screech have tied. Zack decides to really buckle down with a master plan in order to not be remembered as a master planner of pranks and sabotages—date Louise, the quintessential 50’s nerd girl, in order to swing the nerd vote. At the very least, Zack's foray into the Bayside intellectual community might get him some fashion pointers from the nerd we see dressed in a 1991 neon green Guess sweatshirt tucked into dress pants held up by suspenders!!

Zack meets Louise at the Max. They wine, dine, and kiss. Well, they press their lips together for a really long time, but neither one of them moves or shows any signs of life during this extended liplock. When Slater, Tori, and Lisa see this, they automatically assume Zack is planning to ruin the contest, and that he probably screwed them over too—drama!! They decide to get him back, somehow, some way. Zack, although repulsed by the though of kissing Louise, is still flattered when she tells him his lips are lethal weapons.

Each of the finalist songs have to be performed at the assembly with the ultra cool Glee Club. Screech is trying to teach his song to the club, but Lisa, Slater, and Tori convince him that he should change his song. He obliges. Later on at the assembly, part two of Lisa, Slater, and Tori’s plan unfolds. They slip PURE LEMON EXTRACT into Zack’s punch, rendering him unable to pronounce words. First of all, is there a difference between PURE LEMON EXTRACT and LEMON JUICE?? I wouldn’t think so. Second of all, I have actually heard from frequent public speakers that lemons and lemon juice actually ENHANCE ones speaking ability. Nonetheless, this pure extract makes it impossible for Zack to sing the right words, or even any words at all. The Glee Club is forced to back him up with such phrases as "cunny fi foo" and "boo bippy boo.” Zack, utterly humiliated, goes backstage to confront his friends. He is unable to speak properly until he takes a sip of regular punch. They make up, all is forgiven, and the whole gang takes the stage to sing the masterpiece that is Slater, Lisa, and Tori’s song.

--Bri

Quote of the Episode
“This is your school you’re singing about, not a smelly sweat sock. Show a little feeling now, HMMMMMMMM!!!!”—Screech, trying to elicit some quality singing from the Glee Club

Grade
Bri: B+. Even though the final song just assumes that everyone goes on double dates, has lots of boy/girlfriends, studies until 3 in the morning for high school midterms, and Tori is there, this episode is still quality. Zack’s ‘Cool School’ and Screech’s ‘Home at our School’ are great songs, and this episode is full of those wacky Screech facial contortions.

Clare: B+. This is the best of the Tori episodes (obviously, since it's the only one we've bothered to write about), which is probably due to the fact that Tori herself had almost nothing to do with the plot. Plus, I seem to remember the "school song" being sung once during a football game by the founding members of the SBTBP/AS...

2003-05-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

What’s a fashion show without a drag queen?

The gang is gathered at the Max when Lisa runs in, blathering about how a recruiter from the Fashion Institute in New York is coming to Bayside to meet her. This can mean only one thing: It's the episode where Lisa and Zack hook up! Anyway, Lisa needs to do something to impress the recruiter, so Zack suggests having a fashion show. What a brilliant idea...a fashion show for a fashion recruiter. It's a wonder Lisa didn’t fall in love with him right then and there for his outstanding mental prowess!

Everyone is way excited about the fashion show. Well, Slater is mostly excited about seeing “hot women.” And Jessie is just excited because Slater said “women” instead of “chick” or “babe.” Screech is excited because Jessie’s adam’s apple sticks out when she gets excited. And I’m excited because we’ve just found out Jessie’s big secret: She's really a man! She (or should I say “he”) doesn’t even bother to point out to Screech that women don't have adam's apples; she just looks away nervously. The gang doesn't seem to notice this momentous piece of information...but I am on to you, Spano! This explains so much.

Anyway. Back to the fashion show. Zack is dividing up tasks for everyone. Kelly and Jessie are assigned to sewing. Naturally Jessie takes issue with this and asks why the men can’t do the sewing. Jessie, stop trying to foil us with your pseudo-feminist politics. We all know. Zack explains that those who have decided to keep their Y chromosome will be in charge of setting up the stage and interviewing the models. Which is to say, they're going to pretty much do nothing, since the stage consists of a platform and some gold streamers, and the models consist of Zack, Slater, Kelly and Jessie.

Later, Lisa is at some unspecified location, working on her designs. I guess this is supposed to be her bedroom, but it doesn't look like her bedroom as we’ve seen it before. Where’s the poster of the hunky exercise guy that she imagined had Screech’s head? Also, there doesn’t appear to be a bed anywhere, just one of those huge slanted art tables. So let’s just say this is her “atelier.” Personally, I’ve always wanted my own atelier, so I’m a little jealous.

Anyway, Zack comes out of...where? The bathroom? The closet? I think we’ve got enough LGBT issues to deal with in this episode already, so we’ll stick with bathroom. He’s wearing one of Lisa’s designs, which is an iridescent brown suit and quite possibly the most dizzying geometrically patterned shirt he’s ever worn—that’s quite a feat. Good job, Lisa! Lisa is obviously disoriented by the shirt (which, seriously, looks like one of those posters that when you stare at it for a long time, a 3-D picture pops out) because she kisses Zack. It's not that long of a kiss, but it is still long enough for the studio audience to get in a fair amount of “woooo”ing.

The next day, Lisa tells Jessie about the kiss as Jessie is busy sewing various things to herself, including a zipper to her thumb. Perhaps I have a low threshold for pain, but it seems to me that this would warrant more yelping than just one quick “Ouch!” Maybe Jessie is still under anesthesia from her sex-change operation. Anyway, Kelly comes waddling in wearing a dress that she’s stuck in because, she claims, Jessie sewed it incorrectly. To me, the fact that she’s stuck in the dress appears to be not so much Jessie’s fault as it is Kelly’s, because she has blatantly refused to put her arm through the armhole. And it's also Lisa’s fault because she designed this dress with a red-rose patterned bodice and a black-and-white flowered pattern for the sleeves. The dress was probably provoked to attack Kelly because it was ashamed that it was so ugly.

Finally, it is time for the fashion show at the Max. Maybe I’m wrong, but a greasy hamburger joint doesn’t seem like the best setting for a fashion show. Anyway, the gang is “backstage” in the kitchen, wearing outfits that look pretty good, but only because they’re not as ugly as the patterned terrycloth robes that are being worn over them. Before the fashion show can begin, however, Lisa and Zack have to talk about their kiss and of course, make out a little more. This time, the kissing lasts for so long that the audience gets through an entire cycle of “woooo” with nowhere else to go. Good thing Screech walks in and sees them kissing just as he's about to give Lisa flowers because then the audience can pick up with “awwww” once he gets hurt and storms out.

During the actual fashion show, Screech gets a little creative with the fashion commentary, using details such as “the finest Italian leather” and “100% Belgian wool” to segue into bitter diatribes against Lisa and Zack. After he stomps off, Mr. Belding takes over, but the best he can come up with is that Zack is wearing really long pants. Lisa is devastated because she’s sure the recruiter is going to reject her from the Fashion Institute on the grounds that her clothes were described badly. However, the recruiter is from a land far, far away from Bayside called The Planet Where Things Actually Make Sense (either that, or she was hypnotized by Zack's shirt), and she says that she liked Lisa's designs, so she has a spot at the Fashion Institute.

Screech confronts Zack in the hall and says he wants to fight him by the willow trees. When Zack points out that there are no willow trees, Screech changes the location of the fight to the oak trees. Finally, we’re going to get to see these mysterious oak trees! Or, actually not because as soon as school is out, Screech starts using his mystical ninja fighting powers (which is to say, he makes a lot of squealing noises and un-velcroes Zack’s supposedly button-down shirt) right there in the hall.

Fearing that Screech might un-velcro more of his clothes, Zack offers to stop seeing Lisa. It is at this point that Lisa steps in and tells Screech that he’s just going to have to get over his 10-year crush on her because she wants to indulge this little fling that started with Zack 20 minutes ago and is set to end in about 30 seconds. Zack and Lisa walk of hand-in-hand to deposit their relationship in the Bermuda Triangle of SBTB Guest Stars, a blissful paradise where the relationship can sip piña coladas with Laura the homeless girl, take a dip with Mr. Spano and the Aerobics Bimbo, and play shuffleboard with Denise Richards.

--Clare

Quote of the episode
Zack: “We'll be busy building the stage, putting up the lights, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”
Slater: “Whoa, preppy, I don't like that third et cetera.”
Zack: “That's where we interview the models.”
Slater: “Et cetera.”

Grade
Clare: A-. First of all, there’s Slater’s memorable “et cetera”, another oft-quoted favorite of the SBTBP/AS. Second, there’s Screech’s fighting style, which inspired us to create the “Screech Salute.” (If you don't know, don't ask.) Finally, there's the truth about Jessie’s past life as a man! And did I mention that Zack and Lisa hook up? All together now: “Woooooooo!”

2003-05-02T09:24:00.000-05:00

Patterned Sweaters, Fake Hair, and Leafblowers: Senior Year at Bayside High

First Day of School, Senior Year, Bayside High. Zack is elated because the fact he is a senior means no more algebra. He also gets to pick on poor, unwitting freshman. Slater and Zack fool this ‘freshman’ (he looked about 23 years old) into buying an all-inclusive pass so he can go to the roof to use the restroom. Everyone meets up right around the stairwell, as always, and the topic of the convo is finding dates to the senior kickoff party. Zack and Slater act as if they are turning girls away in droves. Lisa spots a hottie (Darren) across the hall and fixes her date dilemma in an instant. He must go shopping at Sears, too. He is wearing the exact same green patterned sweater that Zack is wearing in one of his opening credits clips. Then everyone’s favorite principal walks in wearing a wig with a small ponytail in back.

AFTER the bell rings, everyone disperses and decides to go to class. Except for Zack, that is. He lingers out in the hall and runs into a new girl, Joanna. Not really that beautiful, but Zack thinks so and makes a move on her.

Zack goes to class and makes a fool of himself in front of the new, ridiculously hard teacher who gave a test on the first day. Slater also meets Joanna, and is instantly in love with her.

At the Max, Kelly finds out that Lisa’s dream date Darren is a FRESHMAN!!! Zack and Slater are both discussing the hotties they scoped earlier in the day, not knowing it was the same bland girl. They decide to double date to the senior party… Jessie and Kelly break the news to Lisa that she is dating a freshman in the place that bad dating news is always shared—in the girls’ locker room. Lisa is mortified that SHE is the loser senior girl dating a freshman.

Slater and Zack discover they are lusting after the same girl and get into a fight in the hallway. Zack ends up making the first move and makes a study date with her. While Zack and Joanna are hitting the books in his bedroom, Slater comes in to clean with a LEAF BLOWER!! This blower also sucked, because it sucked Zack’s homework up. Zack was all ticked off, like he would never be able to retrieve his work, when in fact it is sitting there, fully intact, in the leaf blower bag. Joanna, who obviously didn’t think she was on an exclusive date, invited Slater to join.

Sometime later, Slater and Joanna went on a date to the movies, where Zack has paid Screech to dress up like an usher and some random woman named Martha to pretend she’s Slater’s mom and crash their date. They see Darren there, waiting for Lisa. Darren asked Slater if he had seen Lisa, who had apparently stood poor Darren up. The boy had faith, though—it was almost 9:15 and he had been there waiting for her to see the 7:00 show. Faith, or maybe he just couldn’t find a ride home. Anywho.

At the party, which no parents, chaperones, or principals are allowed to attend, Lisa shows up with Darren. They must have gotten over the fact that they were carrying on a May-December romance. Zack and Slater get into another fight at the party and Slater pours red punch all over Zack’s gay white pants. Mr. Belding, who showed up to the party despite the fact he wasn’t invited, ends up having his fake hair thrown in the punch after all is said and done. Zack and Slater decide this mediocre looking girl shouldn’t come between them, and they make up, officially kicking off senior year for the Bayside crew.

--Bri

Quote of the episode
“Why is Mr. Belding dressed like Sinbad?” --Kelly

Grade
Bri: B. This episode, while it didn’t have many memorable lines, was good because it was set in the school and had all major characters. After all of these on-location shows, it was good to see ol’ Bayside high once again. And to see Slater cleaning Zack’s room with a leaf blower. Also, Joanna’s bodysuit/vest combo was a great flashback to early/mid nineties fashion!

Clare: B. Like Joanna's looks and personality, this episode was pretty average. Belding's new image was mildly amusing, but Slater's leaf-blowing antics were the only real standout.

2003-05-01T08:08:00.000-05:00

Jingle Bells, Bayside smells

In Bayside, Christmas is coming early this year. About eight months early. Maybe they operate off of an alternate calendar. Who knows? Anyway, the whole gang goes to Zack’s house after school to talk about their Christmas vacation and eat cookies (gingerbread chicks) that Zack and his mom baked. We learn that Zack is just happy to be out of school for two whole weeks and that is the only present he really needs. Well, he needs a new sweater, too—those brightly colored, geometrically patterned sweaters need a break. Kelly wants to buy presents for her sisters, so naturally she gets a job in the men’s store in the mall. Slater is going to be wrapping gifts at the mall. Jessie will be working with the mall Santa, taking pictures. This job is a freaking goldmine, paying $8 an hour!! Seeing that this was like, ten years ago, and that $8 an hour is a respectable wage today, working at the Santa booth in the Bayside Mall must have been better paying job than most people with college degrees have today!! Lisa is going to be a candy striper at the hospital, because her family rich and she doesn’t need to earn money.

A few days later, we see Slater at the mall, wrapping gifts. He absent-mindedly forgets to tape the bottom of a package, and a customer’s wine glasses crash to the floor! She is irate, but Zack mends things by grabbing Slater’s wallet and giving the woman a wad of cash to replace the broken glasses. Slater is bummed because he is only making $4 an hour and with his incompetence at wrapping, it will take him way too long to turn a profit. He is probably also bummed because Jessie got the last job taking Santa photos. We see Jessie, working hard in her overly sexy Santa minidress. She is being annoyed by bratty kids, and is telling them that Santa isn’t going to bring them any presents and so on. Call me crazy, but I think that is probably grounds to be fired. Jessie better watch it or she will be thrown off the gravy train. Sometime during all of this working action, Zack bumps into a random blond girl, making her drop her lunch of an apple. She gets smart with him, and then totally is sincerely touched when he essentially tells her she has a hot bod and doesn’t need to be on the apple-for-lunch diet. She runs off, though, late for work, and Zack doesn’t get to try out any more of his smooth lines on her.

While at the mall, Screech winds up with some sort of peeing doll with a bladder the size of Montana. This doll proceeds to empty the contents of this gargantuan bladder all over Screech, and he and Zack go to the bathroom to clean up. While in the bathroom, they run into a homeless man, shaving. He gives Screech a tip on how to get his shirt dry—use the hand dryer. Not really a big secret, but Zack and Screech act like it is such a cunning innovation. Zack leaves some money for the man and they go on their way.

Zack meets up with the blond chick again, whose name is Laura and works with Kelly in the men’s store. They go and get their picture taken with Santa, where Laura proceeds to fall in love with Zack. Zack continues to talk about the homeless man, saying he might be a wino or a druggie or what have you. But Zack is still concerned about this guy. Zack and Laura also share a plate of potato chips, and Laura freaking inhales them like there is no tomorrow.

The homeless guy collapses in the mall about the same time that the gang was heading over to the hospital for Lisa’s Christmas Party. At the hospital, Lisa is chillin’ with some sick kids. She helps them decorate the tree, and then tells them Santa is coming. She also kissed a small child, which is probably not the best idea seeing as these children are too SICK to go home for Christmas! When Santa arrives, we see that the Bayside gang has gotten some costumes and dressed up like Santa, Mrs. Claus, Elves, and Rudolph. I don’t know why Kelly was Mrs. Claus, when Jessie’s work outfit would have made her a better choice. Maybe Jessie just wanted to be closer to a tights-wearing Slater. Anywho, Zack comes in, cheers up the kids, makes it snow, and then the gang decides to check on the homeless guy that collapsed in the mall. When they make it up to the room, Laura is in there already. As it turns out, the homeless guy is (gasp!) HER FATHER!!! To be continued…

--Bri

Quote of the episode
“Gift wrapping—isn’t that an MC Hammer Christmas song?”—Screech

Grade
Bri: C-. This episode is entirely too sappy. The funny parts are few and far between, and every other line is something entirely too Christmasy-feel-goody, like helping sick kids, homeless people, blah blah blah. I think Christmastime is the only time this episode would be tolerable. Any other time of the year, not so much.

2003-05-01T08:05:00.000-05:00

Peace on earth, and goodwill to all the good-looking homeless people

Previously on SBTB: Zack met a homeless dude and a girl named Laura, and they turn out to be related. Surprise! Slater sucks at gift-wrapping. For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, Screech bought a doll that peed all over him.

Still at the hospital...Zack, Screech and Slater give Laura's dad some cookies that they stole from the kids downstairs. After Zack realizes that cookies are not an actual meal, he invites them to dinner at his house.

At Chez Morris, She of the Bad Perm (aka Zack's mom) offers Laura's dad a fourth piece of pie as she tells them patronizingly that Zack's dad would love meeting them because he enjoys meeting "different" people. Speaking of which, where is Zack's dad, and why is he missing Christmas? Anyway, this segues into the story of why Laura and her dad are homeless, which is that he got fired and they missed one rent payment. See, this is why you should have a) savings, b) a line of credit, c) an insurance policy you can borrow against or d) friends you can hit up for money. Apparently, Laura's dad, although he was an adult with a full-time job, didn't know about any of these things.

The next day, Kelly and Laura are at Moody's Store for Men, talking instead of working. Laura wants Zack, a sports coat for her father and to get time off to be in Zack's mom's production of A Christmas Carol. It looks like she's going to have to settle for just Zack, though, because Mr. Moody is not inclined to give her time off or the salary advance she'll need to buy the sports coat. That is, until her good friends Zack and Kelly step in! Zack convinces Mr. Moody to let Laura be in the Christmas play as long as they endlessly pimp his store in it, and Kelly puts the sports coat behind the counter so she can buy it for Laura later. Oh, and she also lets it slip to Moody that Laura's homeless, which turns out to be not such a great thing.

Time for the Christmas play, which is the one chance the gang has all year to showcase how bad their fake Cockney accents are! And this year's winner for Worst Cockney Accent in a Mall Christmas Play is...Zack Morris! It was a really close race, though.

Back at Moody's Store for Men, Mr. Moody notices that the sports coat is missing and automatically assumes Laura stole it. Which seems like a reasonable accusation, because she totally could have stolen it using her telepathic powers while she was starring in the Christmas play. Laura doesn't even try to argue this line of defense and instead just flees the scene. Good move, Laura.

Zack and his gigantic cell phone organize a campaign to track down Laura. He finally finds her at the Christmas tree lot, where Laura and her dad are living in their car. Zack is shocked that they're living in this small car and suggests that they take up residence in his cell phone instead, where they would have much more room. OK, not really, but it seems like a feasible solution to me.

The whole gang gathers at Chez Morris for Christmas Eve because apparently they don't have families that they should be spending Christmas Eve with. Forget homelessness--orphans are obviously Bayside's biggest problem! Kelly and Mr. Moody (who don't appear to have families either) stop by to give Laura's dad the sport coat. Then Zack tells them that he's talked to the Missing Mr. Morris, and Laura and her dad can stay at their house until they get back on their feet. Which must happen almost immediately because--you guessed it!--Laura and her dad are never mentioned again. I wonder if there's some sort of Bermuda triangle where SBTB guest stars end up. Anyway, for the big finale, everyone gathers around the piano to sing "Silent Night." Awww...doesn't it just warm your heart? Or turn your stomach?

--Clare

Quote of the episode
"Oh, sorry...I forgot you were the sickly Tiny Tim." --Jessie, after she smacks Slater on the back for absolutely no reason during the Christmas play.

Grade
Clare: C-. The only thing that saved this episode from complete and utter failure was the hilarious Christmas play. I hate these warm and fuzzy Very Special Episodes, unless it’s a Very Special Blossom where someone’s doing drugs or losing their virginity to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.